Going through it

I swear right now everyone I know is going through something... death of a loved one, fourth-stage cancer with complications, possibly career ending injury, sick pet, surgery, car problems, sick baby, diarrhea lettuce, estranged family.... everywhere I look there is TRAUMA and the temptation to fall into despair is STRONG.

I intend for this blog to be encouraging, but I can't really guarantee I will get there. Here's what im learning:

1. Give it a minute. All of this does eventually pass. These rapid boils... they do simmer down. Plant your feet. Take a deep breath. Just endure until the toughest part until the storm passes you by.

2. Grace and space. (I stole this phrase from my work friend Kathy.) Everyone around me needs grace and space to work through their stuff. We don't need to fix other people's stuff. Most of it we can't have any impact on. We just need to give grace and space for them to work it out.

3. A little love goes a long way. Friends who check in. Nothing fancy. Just a quick, "How's Gracie?" Now THAT'S where it's at. So spread that little bit of love. It really helps people.

Like I said I don't think that was very encouraging. It's just the random waiting room thoughts of a girl who processes by writing it out. But maybe it ministered to someone.

Unfollow

I'm in a Facebook group for families at this Basic Training.  At least once a week,  someone posts a long GUSHING post about how this group had been a lifeline, how much comfort it brought them,  how much valuable information they gleaned.  That has not been my experience. 

What I have experienced: 

*increased anxiety - wait what do you mean you're checking your child's bank account every day for fraud

*new worries - what are you talking about your graduation was canceled

* feelings of shame - reading "anyone who brings 10 people to graduation is a disrespectful piece of garbage"

*borderline bullying - you can't disagree with them or they shut down your post or even block you from the group

I'm sure you're thinking why don't you just leave the group, Jami? Because it is one of my only connections to what is going on with Hannah! We get 15 minutes on the phone with her every week... maybe. She writes letters, but they are very behind and they rarely tell us everything that's going on in the training phase. So I endure.  

But here's the life lesson (Well actually lessons):

1. As much as possible I try to just scroll on by. I do NOT engage.  Even if I have a VERY valid comment.  Even if I desperately want to encourage a struggling mom. NOPE. I scroll on by. I'm trying to treat this group like a newspaper that I glean information from and that I stay uninvolved in. I'm also trying to scroll on by when a post starts to trigger my anxiety. This morning, I read someone saying their soldier was told they can only have five people at graduation. NOPE. I cannot worry about that right now. That's tomorrow's problem. If we get there and we can't all go in to graduation, we'll deal with that then.

Here's the thing (and hold on I might get a little preachy here): I think this might be a principle we could all apply to our Facebook activity as a whole. Maybe not as extreme as I've gone (refusing to interact at all) but maybe just honestly stopping and thinking, "Do I really need to interact with this post?" And also asking ourselves is this thing that might possibly be true or might possibly happen worth the time and energy of me investing in it? Worrying about it? Dwelling on it? Ask yourself that. I am.

2. Both. Things. Can. Be. True. One person can find that group to be an absolute lifeline the best thing since sliced bread, and another person can find it to be their own personal hell that they are only enduring to get more information about their child. This is diversity at it's purest and rawest form. We aren't all alike! We all have different experiences! And this too needs to be heard by so many of us. (Mostly by me.) It's okay that someone's experience is 100% different than mine. It's okay if someone's opinion is 100% different than mine. My job on this earth is not to convince other people to agree with me. So as much as my flesh dreams about a July 2nd post saying this group did nothing but tear me down, heighten my anxiety, and give me a teeny tiny speck of helpful information, instead come July 2nd, I'm just going to (with a full and happy heart) click unfollow on that group.

a good, good Father....

In April 2025, our sweet little baby girl ran away. I didn't sleep or eat for 36 hours until we knew where she was and that she was safe. She then spent maybe a little more than a week away from home but not on the street. In retrospect, it wasn't long... but it was traumatic and terrifying and left us all with some pretty deep scars. Our dear, dear family supported us through it... making sure some of those deep scars didn't end up life-altering wounds. Family members gave her a place to rest her head after the first night while also saying, "I'm not supporting you in doing this to your parents." They checked in to let me know they had heard from her so I could have some peace that she was okay. It was a time in our life I didn't really share widely and that I never want to revisit.

However, the past two months I've thought of it so often. It's odd how closely the timeline parallels when she left for Basic... right in the middle of April. It's crazy how many times I'm missing her right now and thinking but at least I know she's not sleeping on a park bench or being trafficked. Even though I would never want to go through that again I am just so grateful it happened because in comparison, the 10 weeks of Basic seem so much easier than the one to two weeks when she had run away.

Our God is a good, good Father. Sometimes that looks like miraculously healing us. Sometimes it looks like bringing back a prodigal daughter. Sometimes that just looks like reminding us how bad it has been in the past and that we got through that so we'll get through this. I'm so grateful for my good, good Father.

My Isaac on the altar...

I just realized this is the last morning she'll wake up here. This is so hard. The closer I get to goodbye, I feel a bit of desperation welling up in me. This is so hard. I know I've done this two times before, but the last one... my baby... my girl... it's the same but different. This is so hard.

I'm trying to stay rooted in right now. God will carry me through. I'm trying to be compassionate with myself. God will carry me through. I'm remembering that I have survived every single tough thing I've faced before. God will carry me through.

Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.

Genesis 22:8

drowning...

You know you think you get to the fourth child, and you've got it figured out, you'll be able to do this, but hey you just need a new challenge then! Here's this tiny pair of glasses. Figure out how to keep those on a 4-month-old!

 #thebabywiththeglasses was quite an adventure! If we were ever in the car for more than 10 minutes, Hannah would get bored, take off her glasses, and toss them around. She teethed on those things! They were constantly getting lost, and because they were these little plastic things kind of similar to goggles which were designed to not get broken or hurt her, the lenses popped out easily, so we would always be searching for those ridiculously expensive, thick, little bifocal lenses. One time on the way home from Madison when she was almost two, I looked back, and she wasn't wearing her glasses. I said Hannah where are your glasses, and she pointed to the window and said, "Windo!" Sure enough while we were flying down I-94, she had thrown them out the window.  She had glasses from the time she was four months old. We had to patch her eye for what felt like a very long time (maybe from 2 to 4 years old). Finally when she was 4 years old, she had to have eye muscle surgery.

I really only have two very vivid memories from that surgery. She was in my arms when the doctor came to get her, and they took her from me, and she cried all the way down the hallway, "Momma! Momma! Momma!" It SHREDDED my heart.  But this second memory is what this blog is about. As I sat in the waiting room during her surgery, I couldn't pray for her surgery. Every time I tried to close my eyes and pray about it, I was assaulted with this image of her eyeballs cut open. So I reached out to my loved ones and ask them to please carry me through this surgery on their prayers, because I was not capable of praying about it right then. 

Sometimes in the heat of it when you're going through an extremely difficult trial, you have to prioritize survival. If a person is drowning, it isn't the time for them to worry about how they fell out of the boat or analyze boats and oceans and falls. It isn't the time to start contemplating lessons for the next time they're about to fall out of the boat. It also isn't the time to be grateful for the salt water hitting them in the face and rushing down their throat or to be grateful that they didn't die upon impact. When you're drowning, you have to prioritize survival. Contemplating and learning lessons and sometimes even praising God can wait until you survive. And sometimes all you can manage is a very short, succinct cry for help, "Save me, Lord!"

I'm not positive what Jami's 7 stages of trials would actually be, but I do know a few things you don't have to worry about when you're drowning in trials:

1. You don't have overanalyze what got you there.  Tell the story as much as it soothes your soul. Talk about it if talk is beneficial for you. But when you're walking through the worst of the fire, it is NOT the time to analyze.

2. You don't have to learn lessons while you're fighting to keep your head above water. Survival is not the time for taking notes! It's time to focus on those skills you learned in water safety: tread water, keep the limbs moving, start swimming, head above the water! Just. Get. Through. Just survive.

3. When your drowning, it really doesn't matter how many have drowned before you. The 4,000 others who drowned before you this year are not a comfort or an aid to you when you're just trying to survive. Don't worry about them! Also when you're drowning isn't the time to worry about what other people will think about your situation or to worry if your treading water form is on point. Let the audience (imaginary or real) fade into the blur of the background.

4. It's okay not to praise with salt water rushng down your esophagus. There will be PLENTY of time after you survive for praising. You don't have to try to time the beats of your legs pedaling through the water to praise songs. 

5. Finally, it's okay not to pray. You can ask others to pray for you because it just hurts too much to pray yourself. You can throw up short pleas for help or just be carried on the wings of your prayer support. Again focus on surviving! Once you get close enough to the shore to put your feet down and start walking through the waves to the beach, you can start truly praying. Save you strength! Survive! Just get through the hottest part of the trial.

The surgery was incredibly successful. She even got back her depth perception, which isn't the outcome for every child who has eye muscle surgery.  We learned so much! Heck we learned so much from the entire #babywiththeglasses saga! But most importantly,  we survived.

Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 

Personal Theology

Senior year Bible for my kids is Personal Theology. All year long, they dig into different timely topics and report back: 

*what does God say? 

*what does the world say?

*what do my parents say?

*what do I say?

This year, my last year teaching Personal Theology, I added a new final project. Based upon all that you dug into this year, how are you going to live your life? The assignment, write 10 "I will" statements. Today I did the assignment, both to give my student a sample of how to do this and to put my money where my mouth is. 

I like my "I will" statements. They are a great combination of facts of who I am and things I aspire to be. You don't have to like them.  They aren't your "I will" statements.  But maybe this will inspire you to think about your "I will" statements and write them down too. 

This post isn't private;  however,  it's mainly intended for my three previous students who took the course before this great assignment was developed.  I hope you three will send me your "I will" statements or at least think them through.

The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.

Proverbs 20:5

Breaking up scar tissue

Something happened in my heart this weekend. The only way I can describe it is by referencing another blog I wrote long ago:

Day 155: a weird pop

I have been under so much pressure lately... girl bossed too hard and now I'm a manager and WOW that's intense.... parenting adult children or as I like to call it the valley of the shadow of death... menopause, hot flashes, weight gain OH MY! Each of these pressure cookers would be intense on their own But all combined together!?!? Sometimes I feel like I'm not even me anymore.... 

Any of you Grey's Anatomy fans out there... you know when April and Jackson lose Samuel, and then April goes to the desert to do relief work, and she comes back TOTALLY changed. I feel like I'm post-desert April: Rougher. More edgy. Bit stronger of a backbone. Bigger cojones. It's the path God wants me on, but it feels uncomfortable like a pair of pants that just doesn't quite fit me. For TOO long I have been a pushover.... afraid of conflict... people pleaser... God is making and molding me so I can be a better manager, parent, daughter, sister,  friend, HUMAN.... but I couldn't find my comfort zone in that.

This weekend something BROKE! Like the pop I described in my Achilles tendon blog above. And I think I see my way now... The way to make firm have a gentle Jami spin on it. The way to let these lil ducklings learn to fly (and fall) being their safety net FAR below instead of the shepherd right there by their side and not letting their descent or their plop into the net I formed kill me. The way to be refined not broken, stronger not tough.

I sobbed through the sermon today.  GOLLY it was FIRE! Jesus embraced the TORTURE of the cross because there was purpose in the pain --- I was the purpose in His pain! 

I guess my best analogy is this: yesterday I changed over every song in my Taylor Swift Work Hype Mix to the "clean version." It's the same brilliant T. Swift lyrics.  It's all the angry girl rock I need to pump me up before work. It just doesn't have any swears.  That's the new version of Jami. She's not a pushover anymore.  She says what she thinks a lot of the time. She draws boundaries. She is a TOUGH mammer jammer. But she is still kind and Christlike. She is still gentle. She is still Jami. 

I might be back to this blog thing. I might be a one-hit wonder until some more scar tissue pops... I don't know. But this.... this I had to share. Cuz for the first time in a long time I feel like me again, and also cuz just like this whole blog: I hope this ministers to someone else's soul too.

‭Galatians 2:20 

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 

Not a Christmas you dream about...

This really wasn't a Christmas that you dream about. I'm on crutches and in an immense amount of pain.  We didn't have a church service to go to (even if I could've hobbled in there). I forgot a TON of things for our appetizer feast. The valley of the shadow of parenting a teen girl is a bit dark and scary these days. Then I couldn't even make it through to Christmas dinner.  In the middle of our family celebration, the pain brought me to tears, and John had to take me home to go to bed and elevate my leg.  

It has me thinking.  Do you think Mary enjoyed the stable? I mean I know what the pictures convey.  I know she's all dewy and glowing cuz she just brought God's Son into this world.  But do you REALLY think she enjoyed giving birth in animal filth? I bet she didn't.  But I also bet it didn't matter if she was thrilled about the way it turned out.... GOD STILL HAD HIS WAY. 

Lately God's been doing a lot of things in a way that is just NOT pleasing to me... not my favorite.... not the way I would've planned it if I were the author.... but here's what I've been seeing... GOD STILL HAS HIS WAY... and I guess I'm starting to get it through my thick skull that I'm NOT the author. 

Regardless of how not storybook this Christmas was.... I'm trusting that HIS way is better. Just like I imagine Mary did on that very first Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone. 

Christmas on Crutches

I'm currently doing three different Christmas reading plans on my Bible app. I'm just trying hard not to miss the joy this Christmas season because of all the NOT merry stuff on my plate right now.

*Army graduations are so stressful but this one was even more so because the unit Elijah was in literally communicated not 1 word about the in-person graduation to the parents.

*a car crash the day before we left put so many wrinkles into our trip and extended our driving time.... as we had to go to Georgia and take Noah to his new base.

*my work is just so busy. I've been working overtime for at least 6 months.

*and my surgery is very close on the horizon---just 9 days away now

*2 soldiers arriving at the airport on 2 different days (one of them I have to miss because I'll still be in the hospital.)

*then two whirlwind weeks full of celebrations and family and the Kastner6 together.

I just KNOW that I'm going to get to January 5th and think, "Wow! That was a blink of a eye!" It already feels like it went fast, and it hasn't even all the way started.

As I FLY, full-speed down this hill, there are a few things I'm doing to try to make sure I don't miss everything....  

1. The most important one Get. In. The. Word. Every single day...  Multiple different reading plans. Worship songs while I exercise. Quiet minutes of listening for His voice even when I feel like I can't slow down. I'm tying to center my heart on my Savior's birth to help me remember the Reason for the Season.

2.  Count it all joy. I'm really truly TRYING to count it all joy. My work being so busy made Elijah's time in basic seem exponentially shorter.  Elijah's unit being so disorganized meant they didn't even look at our registration for our car which was last year's not this year's. All this insanity and having to pump the brakes to just even experience any of it is giving me very little time to stress out about this knee surgery. This fast pace which I'm fighting so hard is actually what's making it like "oh my gosh it's already only 10  days until I see Elijah again!" So I'm trying to embrace the suck because the suck is actually beneficial for me.

3. Connect with my people.  Even though I'm stressed and busier than a one- armed wallpaper hanger I'm trying to be intentional about connecting with people. It is so helpful to my mental health and it us why I do all this craziness.... my people.

 Whatever kind of Christmas season you're having, chill - crazy - lonely - mournful,  you can still be purposeful and celebrate Christmas. My prayer is that today you'll find just one way to do that.

When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Matthew 2:10‭-‬11

Mountaintops

I just read in my devotions that when you are looking at others,  behind every spotlight moment there are struggles you missed. That resonated in my soul. The past week on Facebook I shared GOBS of pictures of mountaintop experiences. Because I believe in raw honesty I also shared some of the struggles as well. But here's the brutal truth of it:

*we drove roughly 40 hours

*we jumped through hoop after hoop (COVID vaccines, COVID tests, last minute screenshots of recent vehicle registrations)

*we never got ANY information from the battalion about graduation other than the start time for the live stream event

*my knee has completely given up the ghost and I hobbled everywhere I went. A lot of the time using a crutch to help me walk

*the a/c was broken in our hotel room

*it was a VERY long walk from the elevator to the lobby and our room (exponentially longer for a person with an ugly knee) 

*we couldn't take Elijah off base... not once. We spent roughly 12 hours sitting at a picnic table in the on-base park

*we spent A LOT of money

*we got VERY little sleep

We endured all of that for just 20 hours with our soldier... [and the list doesn't even count the struggles Elijah went through in basic (little contact with family,  no sugar, lost sleep, being hollered at, push ups on top of push ups) a lot of sacrifice!] That's a lot of struggle for a mountaintop experience, but I would do it all over again just for those moments.... when we first found him.... when he squeezed the life outta me with that first hug.... our whole big loud family there to support him. 

The entire point of this blog is that I want to remember that nothing good comes easy.  That every beautiful moment captured on Facebook came after a TON of hard work. That the glamor and shine of graduations come AFTER a butt ton of hardship and struggle. 

But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.

2 Chronicles 15:7 

Cinnamon Rolls

This isn't a recipe.... I'm taking my cue from my brown-skinned momma... she doesn't share her cinnamon roll secrets...  I'm not sharing mine either... BUT when I give you a pan of cinnamon rolls... here are the baking instructions:

Take them out of the fridge the second you get up in the a.m.... the closer they are to room temperature before they pop in the oven, the better.

Preheat the oven to 375. (I always leave my pan of rolls on the stovetop while the oven preheats to jump start the warming up process.)

Bake them for 17 minutes (this is how long they take in my oven... watch them... you dont want the dough to cross over into turning brown... then you've gone TOO FAR... remove them from the oven IMMEDIATELY... but don't worry they'll still be delish.)

Snip the corner off the ziploc baggie of icing I gave you, and frost it up! Again don't let common sense be your guide! Use as much as your heart feels is right.

I love you!

the gold...

I was JUST thinking yesterday about how really truly HARD "the old days" were.... 

we were BROKE... I had 4 children... I worked full-time from home.... this particular status.... we were down to one car for a season.... John needed it for work.... so either the kids and I stayed home or we walked... 

on this specific date in time I walked four  children [N - 9, J - 7, E - 5, H - 2 (almost 3)] from 66th and Drexel to the MS for soccer.... pushed a stroller down the side of Drexel... somehow keeping all three boys from darting into traffic... at the tine it seemed large and hard but I just did it.... now I wonder HOW DID I DO THAT??? It seems impossible! 

But here's the best part.... here's the nugget of gold:

When I look back on this now... it is with fondness... those four sweet little faces... their tiny arms around my neck... the toughness of it all... the fear... the "will we make it" (financially and just to the soccer field) all of that tough stuff just fades to gray and the vibrant part... the gold... that is what remains... 

how blessed I was to (as everyone at the grocery store CONSTANTLY reminded me) "have my hands so full" 

Hang on today! Whatever you're going through... one day the gray of it WILL fade away... I promise.

#goodolddays #turnbacktime #timeisapunk #nuggetofgold

Unfollow me...

I just had a teachable moment with my 14 year old about this "unfollow me" trend. It seemed like maybe others (like Twitter and Facebook) might benefit so I'm sharing with all. It went like this:

Hannah, while I agree with the situation you are indignant about, I want to talk about this unfollow me idea. I have a problem with it. If you post, "Unfollow me if you hate Why Don't We." How will you EVER convince those people who unfollow you that Why Don't We is the best boyband that ever existed? [So full transparency that wasn't the ACTUAL thing she said unfollow me about... it is just the best way to make my point.]

I know some of you are filling your "unfollow me" blank with RIGHTEOUS things. Unfollow me if you think it's okay to abort a baby in the third trimester.... unfollow me if you think it's okay to beat someone up because they are gay.... unfollow me if you think it's okay to brutalize someone because of the color of their skin... but I don't care what you fill that blank in with... how are you going to proselytize that person if they unfollow you???

We have become a society of people believing that disagreement is hate... and that tolerance comes from agreement and We. Are. SO. WRONG! Disagreement means NOT agreeing, and tolerance means being accepting of those you DON'T agree with. So many of us are being intolerant in the name of tolerance! The irony is so rich!

Which brings me to Twitter and Facebook.... their censoring has led to a mass Exodus... while most of my conservative friends have not cancelled their FB or Twitter accounts we are taking our real thoughts elsewhere. So what has been accomplished then??? Now FB and Twitter are just echo chambers of their opinions. They have effectively silenced all opposition on their platform. How is that smart? How will you ever convince us knuckle-dragging conservatives that your position is the correct position if we are no longer even hearing your side?

Unfollow me... it's such a sad commentary on our world. Let me say to everyone  reading this what my Lord and Savior said: FOLLOW ME! I want you to FOLLOW ME! Because I plan to use every chance I get to tell you, "Jesus loves you!" And if you unfollow me, then you won't hear it.

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, 

Matthew 4:19 

It is well...

We are standing at the beginning of a deep dark valley. We've actually been descending the backside of the mountain for several weeks. We could see the valley in the distance, so to some extent we could prepare for it. But we've arrived...  Set foot on the actual terrain of the valley last night just before bed.

We've traveled this kind of valley before. It was horrible. Painful. Exhausting. Even faith shaking. As I crawled into bed last night, I felt myself reverting to my old pattern of handling this. Every time I closed my eyes sheer terror overcame me, so I picked my phone back up to try to distract myself from the fiery darts racing through my mind. I think I finally escaped my consciousness just before midnight. I fell asleep whispering the lyrics of my new song.... 

 

You are good

In the morning I sing

You are good

In the evening I sing

You are good

You are good to me

 

I slept like the dead! Blissfully, no nightmares assailed. But when I woke I had that lingering wish I had slept longer feeling. I lifted my cement limbs from my bed and started my day. As I brewed my coffee, the Lord whispered to me. He reminded me how the last time I traveled this valley, I got to the end and glanced back wistfully wishing I had traveled stronger. I repeatedly told Him, "Not that I want another chance to do it better! But..." 

Alas... not my will but His be done... we are here again. And this time. Imma do it BETTER! So just some random reminders to myself... really just a packing list for the trip 

*don't travel alone! Bring your prayer tribe with you, Jami! (You know who you are... prepare to HEAR from me.)

*sing your way through the darkest parts (when sorrows like sea billows blow.... It. Is. Well.)

*cocoon yourself.... reserve your energy... don't overcommit... pull back into your cozy spot and STAY SAFE... surround yourself with love and hope and peace as much as it depends on you.

Here's the thing God spoke to me.... this is gonna happen. You're going to walk this valley. It's up to you whether you walk it with 10 pounds of sharp rocks on your back binge eating m&ms and hot cheetos chased down with espressos.... or if you set down the rocks. Hydrate. Eat whole, good foods. And follow your Guide to the other side.

My goal is the later.

Peace everyone! Have a great day.

For no word from God will ever fail.

Luke 1:37

Worst mom ever....

Everyone has those days right? When you feel like the absolute WORST mother in the world? When you said (or more likely SCREAMED) those horrible words.  When you rushed when they needed slow, spoke when they needed silence, nagged when they needed love.... 

Here's the thing.... it's not getting any easier.... bigger kids bigger problems... I thought this would get easier with time, but it just keeps getting messier and harder.

I suppose if I didn't care about these four humans I birthed more than I care about any other thing I've tried to do, it would be easier.  But the stakes.... they are SO high here.

So regardless I did it. The other day. Spoke what I thought would be a convicting encouragement.... boy, did I miss the mark! It cut to the bone and left my child aching. 😢 If you know me you know I'm an overthinker extraordinaire... so I have been mulling it over.... agonizing...  analyzing... condemning myself for two days.

This morning as I untangled the situation with my hubby, the Lord gave me peace and direction. See I wasn't really WRONG in what I said. There was truth in my words. And I never intended to cut so deeply or cause any pain at all actually. 

The Lord got me thinking about two things:

1. Sometimes people say things to me that HURT. Because I am such a sensitive person I focus on the butt hurt feelings. I stew and moan and, "Why did they SAY that? It hurts so much!" But just because words hurt me doesn't mean they aren't true. And even deeper every single hurtful thing (even the untrue ones) can teach me something. Maybe if only 

*that's not how I want to be or 

*I should be cautious about giving unsolicited advice. 

Every. Single. Thing. In life can be a lesson... if I let it be one.

2. I have to do a better job listening to the Holy Spirit. 

*With those in my very immediate circle (John, Noah, Jeremiah, Elijah, and Hannah) I tend to let every whisper I hear from God FLY out my mouth with little filter. They deserve more. It is okay to count your words with your most intimate people. So I need to zip it a bit more.

*With other people I tend to shake my head and press my lips closed... not ceding to the Holy Spirit as easily because I fear rejection and condemnation. I need to open up my mouth more freely with them. My close friends deserve my whole heart laid vulnerably in their hands. 

So hear I am.... if I'm going live it I want to learn from it. So I'm going to pray God will give me the strength to apply these lessons. But I also want to use this public forum to say: 

Noah James, Jeremiah David, Elijah Daniel, and Hannah Elizabeth, I love you more than my own life. I'm sorry you have an imperfect mom. You deserve a perfect mom. But what you do have is a mom who LOVES you with ALL of her heart.... and a mom who will NEVER stop trying to be a better mom. Please forgive my failings.  I never set out intending to let you down.

Love,

Mom

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8 

As far as it depends on you....

On my road trip to North Carolina, I caught up on my Elevation Church sermons. For whatever reason I haven't been catching them live lately, so I listened to them while I drove. [Steven Furtick can PREACH!]

Back home, I decided to try to listen to one sermon a day. So while I was wading through vacation laundry two nights ago, I opened YouTube and clicked on a video that had a picture of Steven Furtick. As the person started talking, I realized this wasn't Steven Furtick and this wasn't a sermon. I backed out and read the title. What I was actually listening to was a podcast of someone bashing Steven Furtick.  They had just used a picture of him in the thumbnail. 

For quite some time God's been forming a lesson in my heart. It has taken several different forms, but they all spring from the same truth He wants me to see. 

*Initially I heard it this way: there were just many people who thought Miss Haugh was the best teacher they ever had as there were people who thought that Miss Haugh was an obsessive-compulsive, control freak put in their lives to make them miserable. 

*I  have heard it multiple times during this election season: Donald Trump is the best thing that ever happened to America vs  Donald Trump is destroying America.

*I think that Steven Furtick brings the Word of God hot and fresh every time he steps up to that pulpit, and clearly the woman in this podcast does NOT think that.

As I started to ponder to find the lesson God wanted me to get, I breezed right by everyone has the right to their opinion and landed on something else.... 

I started to wonder does Steven Furtick REALLY never preach a bad sermon? Is Donald Trump really as evil as CNN wants me to believe? Was Miss Haugh ever out to get people? 

Is it more likely that our opinions shape the way we respond to things? Is it possible that Strven Furtick gets up in my kitchen every Sunday because I go into the sermon expecting him to? Is it possible that the media sees Trump offering to send troops to Seattle as dictatorial because they hate him? Is it possible that you overlooked and excused Miss Haugh's OBVIOUS flaws and shortcomings because you liked her?

Stay with me please.... I know this one is long.... but it's been brewing in my heart for quite some time.

Because IF those things are possible, THEN we have the power to just make them different! We can just switch the lens we are viewing those situations through. We can have the power to choose joy over depression. We can have the power to hear a word from God out of a donkey's mouth. We can have the power to submit to and learn from an authority figure (like Miss Haugh or Donald Trump) who we dont agree with.

I like this power. I hate being a victim. I want the control to decide to HEAR from a preacher I don't prefer.  I want to FLOURISH even in the presence of my enemies.  I want to GROW even when my teacher bores me near to death. 

So here's what I'm doing today. I'm taking back my power, and I'm examining my heart, especially when something offends me or I dislike something.  I am going to look more closely and see if its possible that my bias is causing me to roll my eyes, get my hackles up, turn off my ears. I am going to change the ONLY person I have control over.... ME!

If it is possible, AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU, live at peace with everyone.

Romans 12:18 

(emphasis mine) 

Night driving...

I struggle with driving at night... it's something about not being able to see were I'm going.... like FAR down the road going... even though my eyes can see the lane lines RIGHT in front of me, I can't see FAR down the road... and that scares me. I get this weird panic attack feeling when my brain can't gather the distant image and has to rely solely on just the feet in front of me that my headlights illuminate. I have this panicked NEED to KNOW where I'm going! It happened several times on this girl's road trip to see Noah and struggling through it was PACKED with application for me. Gonna try to unpack it here.

It hit me like an owl flying out of the dark and into my windshield: well well well... at least you're consistent! You get this same panicked feeling when you can't see where your trials are taking you also. When you can't see FAR down the road of the struggle (which is most of the time when you're walking with God).... When all you can see is the few feet of the situation RIGHT in front of you that your headlights have illuminated.

I thought about how I was getting through the night driving terrors, and it was DEEP y'all! 

1. I breathed... like I seriously connected to my breath and just BREATHED my way through until it passed.

2. I encouraged myself... I literally talked (out loud) to myself, "Focus on what you can see, Jami. Just keep breathing. Stay between the lines you can see. Just stay in your lane."

3. I found a vehicle up ahead to fix my eyes on for perspective, and I course corrected off of them. 

4. Sometimes... it didnt really make sense. But sometimes I even sped up in order to catch up to another car that I could use for perspective. 

And I thought..... when I get home I have GOT to blog about the parallels between these night driving terrors and struggles. The connections aren't hard to draw, but imma draw them here in the hopes that it will cement these reminders in my fickle heart.

1. Breathe.... when life throws you a swift hard PUNCH to the gut... BREATHE. Just BREATHE. Physically.... it helps to just concentrate on your breathing.... inhale slowly.... count if you have to... exhale slowly... focus HARD on the process of breathing... give time for the panic to dissipate a little.

2. Encourage yourself. Remind yourself of God's promises. Tell yourself you're going to survive. Redirect your panicked thoughts to focus on what you can see... to stay in your lane... get your eyes OFF the problem and onto God.

3. Find a vehicle up ahead! Tell someone about your struggle. Find someone who has previously driven down this road and FOLLOW THEM until you get your perspective and can see the whole road again.

4. If you have to SPEED UP to catch someone to follow... it's not Sunday yet??? Find your church family anyways. You don't know anyone who has struggled down this road? SEEK THEM OUT.... don't give up until you find another person to help you course correct... to give you perspective... to help you see which way to go.

The first time this terror hit me.... I was just a few hours from Noah at about 8 p.m.... stopping until daylight just wasn't an option. So I pulled up my big girl pants and fought through. On the return trip, as night fell.... I kept the lessons I learned in NC in the front of my brain.... I sought out vehicles to follow the entire time I was driving.... whether in a well-lit area or a DARK stretch of the path..... I made sure there was always someone in the distance for perspective... I practiced taking my eyes off the distance and navigating by the lane markers... and I just kept breathing and telling myself it would be fine.... just for a little next-level fun it started POURING in Indiana... even before dark fell... I just kept using my strategies,  and I powered right through.

I feel like this blog is a bit of a jumble.... but I hope it ministered to someone. Even if it didnt.... it helped me to get it down for posterity so the next road trip or the next struggle.... it will be better cemented in my brain.... and for me, the most important takeaway was.... find someone to follow through the dark.... 

Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

1 Corinthians 11:1 

For His name's sake...

I'm unpacking this verse this morning:

He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake.

Psalms 23:3

Already wrote an entire blog about one part...  went back to finish meditating on the rest of the verse and caught THIS:

for His name's sake....

It hit me like a ton of bricks... FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE.... He guides me along the right paths FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE.... not for my comfort... not for my enjoyment... not for perfection... but FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE.

Follow me here.... if I'm on the right path for His name's sake, it might get messy, so He can be glorified.... it might get HARD, so He can show HIS power.... it most likely will NOT be easy.... because I'm on the right path FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE not for anything else.

Wow!

The right paths...

"Sometimes life's just hard  for no reason at all."

Carol Boone... Remember the Titans

I struggle A LOT with wanting to believe if I just make the "right" choices,  do everything "right," be a good girl.... then life will work out... be easy... picture perfect. 

This morning I was meditating on the "verse of the day"

He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake.

Psalms 23:3 

The Lord spoke to me about the "right paths".... He showed me that even on the "right paths" there are potholes... there are rocks that can roll your ankle or even block the path.... there are things that could trip you or ways you can be forced to slow down... right paths aren't perfect... nothing is perfect.... except God. 

This revelation drew me back... full circle... to the movie we watched with Noah two days ago.... Remember the Titans.... after a tragic,  life-altering car accident,  Carol Boone (Coach Boone's wife) says, "Sometimes life's just hard, for no reason at all." 

Sometimes you can do everything,  every single darn thing, "right" and still end up having to go through some hard stuff. That's life, and it's beautiful and comforting while sad and infuriating. 

Today I just wanted to remind myself,  right paths aren't always easy.

In the fire

I'm walking through some tough stuff on many different fronts of my life. Hated and reviled... thwarted and resisted... worn and labored... and don't even get me STARTED on this fall's allergy season!

Yesterday, I kept finding my heart screaming,  "Why?!?!" Why do I have to walk through this fire? "What?!?!" What are you trying to forge through these flames? "How long?!?!" How long will this inferno rage on?

This morning as I sat quietly with my faithful cup and my more faithful God, He whispered to me. It's all about our relationship. Get your eyes off the fire, Jami. Focus on Me. Get that smoke out of your nostrils. Breathe in My peace.  Don't give any more power to this pain by dwelling on it. Give me EVERYTHING, and let Me be powerful in it ALL.

My situations aren't any better this morning.... but my heart is. I'm gonna hunker down in the safety of my God's arms and let Him wage the wars that need to be won.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:2