Worst mom ever....

Everyone has those days right? When you feel like the absolute WORST mother in the world? When you said (or more likely SCREAMED) those horrible words.  When you rushed when they needed slow, spoke when they needed silence, nagged when they needed love.... 

Here's the thing.... it's not getting any easier.... bigger kids bigger problems... I thought this would get easier with time, but it just keeps getting messier and harder.

I suppose if I didn't care about these four humans I birthed more than I care about any other thing I've tried to do, it would be easier.  But the stakes.... they are SO high here.

So regardless I did it. The other day. Spoke what I thought would be a convicting encouragement.... boy, did I miss the mark! It cut to the bone and left my child aching. 😢 If you know me you know I'm an overthinker extraordinaire... so I have been mulling it over.... agonizing...  analyzing... condemning myself for two days.

This morning as I untangled the situation with my hubby, the Lord gave me peace and direction. See I wasn't really WRONG in what I said. There was truth in my words. And I never intended to cut so deeply or cause any pain at all actually. 

The Lord got me thinking about two things:

1. Sometimes people say things to me that HURT. Because I am such a sensitive person I focus on the butt hurt feelings. I stew and moan and, "Why did they SAY that? It hurts so much!" But just because words hurt me doesn't mean they aren't true. And even deeper every single hurtful thing (even the untrue ones) can teach me something. Maybe if only 

*that's not how I want to be or 

*I should be cautious about giving unsolicited advice. 

Every. Single. Thing. In life can be a lesson... if I let it be one.

2. I have to do a better job listening to the Holy Spirit. 

*With those in my very immediate circle (John, Noah, Jeremiah, Elijah, and Hannah) I tend to let every whisper I hear from God FLY out my mouth with little filter. They deserve more. It is okay to count your words with your most intimate people. So I need to zip it a bit more.

*With other people I tend to shake my head and press my lips closed... not ceding to the Holy Spirit as easily because I fear rejection and condemnation. I need to open up my mouth more freely with them. My close friends deserve my whole heart laid vulnerably in their hands. 

So hear I am.... if I'm going live it I want to learn from it. So I'm going to pray God will give me the strength to apply these lessons. But I also want to use this public forum to say: 

Noah James, Jeremiah David, Elijah Daniel, and Hannah Elizabeth, I love you more than my own life. I'm sorry you have an imperfect mom. You deserve a perfect mom. But what you do have is a mom who LOVES you with ALL of her heart.... and a mom who will NEVER stop trying to be a better mom. Please forgive my failings.  I never set out intending to let you down.

Love,

Mom

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8