Here's the thing.... people keep saying things to me like: "Don't say, 'Goodbye'... say, 'See you later.' or "This isn't the end. It's the beginning." But here's the thing: it IS goodbye, and it IS an end. It's goodbye to his everyday physical presence in my life. It's an end to his childhood. It's goodbye to opening his door in the morning just to see him sleeping. It's an end to having four children under my roof. I'm not denying that it's also a beginning. It's not like there is absolutely NOTHING that is good about this transition. But I'm wondering why I don't have the permission to mourn the loss part. Why do I have to focus on the good? Why are we all so afraid of the messy emotions?
I've been studying a lot about anxiety (both for myself and for my anxious child), and one thing I've come to realize is that a good portion of the angst in our souls comes from unidentified emotions. Failing to identify what we're feeling. Refusing to admit what we're feeling. Even misunderstanding what we're feeling. A good portion of peace comes from honestly naming what we are going through. You know... like in that book... the Bible... "the truth will set you free."
So why is it that so many keep advising me in the opposite direction? I dont know... but here's the bare naked truth of this: Yes, this is the natural progression of things. Yes, I raised him to give him wings. Yes, he's doing what he has always dreamed of. But. This. Is. Hard. It is hard for the momma to let go. It is hard to walk the path from being the center of his universe to being a supporting actress to just being in the audience. It sucks not to hug him every day. I hate that I haven't heard his voice in over 48 hours. This. Is. Hard.
Phew! Okay! That felt GOOD! Now I will return to the regularly scheduled programming.... See ya later.... it's the BEGINNING!
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
John 8:32
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