They didn't tell me

They didn't tell me how to let go.  I mean I've been doing it lil by lil for many years now... get a driver's license... get a job... now a bank account... pledge your life to the Army... but this last finger gripping on the edge of my first born... no one told me how to let go of that. 

How to drop him off at a hotel so the Army can lend him back to me for dinner. How to come back the next day bursting with pride over the sacrifice he's choosing, but then LEAVE. him. there. and return home to his absence. No one told me how to do that.

I guess I'll just trudge through it knowing that God's grace is big enough.  I guess I'll just focus on how proud I am of what he's choosing to do instead of how much my arms already ache to hold him longer. I guess I'll just blab it all out here for the whole world to read.... so that maybe one person can hear this - letting go, it feels like the hardest part. It feels terrifying and heart breaking and exciting and pride-filled, all thrown in a blender and MASHED up. 

Sometimes I don't even KNOW which feeling is going to come out. Literally JUST this morning I cried as I swelled up with pride while listening to God Bless the USA because MY SON is going to be a soldier and that is the most patriotic thing I can think of. And tonight my eyes are leaking all over the place cuz he's leaving my house... and he's going to South Carolina... and there's a FLIPPING hurricane there!

I guess it's really no different than when he drove off on that first solo car ride.  The only choice I had was to trust him into God's capable hands. To trust his instructors had taught him well. To trust we had instilled responsibility in him. To trust that God's got this and then let go. They just didnt tell me it would be THIS hard.