Thoughts on growing up...

Here's the thing.... people keep saying things to me like: "Don't say, 'Goodbye'... say, 'See you later.' or "This isn't the end. It's the beginning." But here's the thing: it IS goodbye, and it IS an end. It's goodbye to his everyday physical presence in my life. It's an end to his childhood. It's goodbye to opening his door in the morning just to see him sleeping. It's an end to having four children under my roof. I'm not denying that it's also a beginning. It's not like there is absolutely NOTHING that is good about this transition. But I'm wondering why I don't have the permission to mourn the loss part. Why do I have to focus on the good? Why are we all so afraid of the messy emotions?

I've been studying a lot about anxiety (both for myself and for my anxious child), and one thing I've come to realize is that a good portion of the angst in our souls comes from unidentified emotions. Failing to identify what we're feeling. Refusing to admit what we're feeling. Even misunderstanding what we're feeling. A good portion of peace comes from honestly naming what we are going through. You know... like in that book... the Bible... "the truth will set you free."

So why is it that so many keep advising me in the opposite direction? I dont know... but here's the bare naked truth of this: Yes, this is the natural progression of things. Yes, I raised him to give him wings. Yes, he's doing what he has always dreamed of. But. This. Is. Hard. It is hard for the momma to let go. It is hard to walk the path from being the center of his universe to being a supporting actress to just being in the audience. It sucks not to hug him every day. I hate that I haven't heard his voice in over 48 hours. This. Is. Hard.

Phew! Okay! That felt GOOD! Now I will return to the regularly scheduled programming.... See ya later.... it's the BEGINNING!

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
John 8:32

Noah James

Well today is the day. I'm both ready and not ready. Saying goodbye these past few weeks has been beautiful, perfect, amazing, exhausting, heart-rending, difficult. I am ready to be done anticipating your departure, but not ready to give you that one last squeeze before you leave.

I don't doubt. I really truly don't. For the past 18 years, I've doubted and wondered and worried... was homeschooling the right choice? did I hug you enough? did we pray enough? read the Bible enough? But today all my doubts are gone. You are EXACTLY the man you were supposed to be.... the one I dreamed all along you would be. You are strong and brave and upright. You are going to be a GREAT soldier. You are going to make life-long friends. But best of all, I do not doubt that you are going to change this world for Christ. I know in the depths of me that every single person you touch is going to be gently nudged in the direction of Jesus.

There is so little I need to say to you right now because you. are. SO. ready. for this. The fires this family has walked through have forged you and made you strong as steel yet tender too. You know that God and His word hold every answer you will ever need. I've watched you turn to Him for answers many times this summer. You don't need me to nag you or remind you or squeeze in one more lesson. So I guess I'll just end with this one little whisper: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY PLEASE CALL YOUR MOMMA WHEN YOU CAN.

I love you so much NoNo. I'm infinitely proud of you. And I am so excited to watch where God and the Army take you.

Love,

Mom

They didn't tell me

They didn't tell me how to let go.  I mean I've been doing it lil by lil for many years now... get a driver's license... get a job... now a bank account... pledge your life to the Army... but this last finger gripping on the edge of my first born... no one told me how to let go of that. 

How to drop him off at a hotel so the Army can lend him back to me for dinner. How to come back the next day bursting with pride over the sacrifice he's choosing, but then LEAVE. him. there. and return home to his absence. No one told me how to do that.

I guess I'll just trudge through it knowing that God's grace is big enough.  I guess I'll just focus on how proud I am of what he's choosing to do instead of how much my arms already ache to hold him longer. I guess I'll just blab it all out here for the whole world to read.... so that maybe one person can hear this - letting go, it feels like the hardest part. It feels terrifying and heart breaking and exciting and pride-filled, all thrown in a blender and MASHED up. 

Sometimes I don't even KNOW which feeling is going to come out. Literally JUST this morning I cried as I swelled up with pride while listening to God Bless the USA because MY SON is going to be a soldier and that is the most patriotic thing I can think of. And tonight my eyes are leaking all over the place cuz he's leaving my house... and he's going to South Carolina... and there's a FLIPPING hurricane there!

I guess it's really no different than when he drove off on that first solo car ride.  The only choice I had was to trust him into God's capable hands. To trust his instructors had taught him well. To trust we had instilled responsibility in him. To trust that God's got this and then let go. They just didnt tell me it would be THIS hard.

Monday

Noah's going away party was INCREDIBLE, perfect, blessed, full. I literally couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect event than the one that unfolded on Saturday. 

Then yesterday he and I got to go Walmart shopping for the one backpack worth of supplies he gets to take to basic. We didn't buy much, but it was exactly what this momma's heart needed.... some one-on-one time with my first born.

Today I sit on my couch... Bible app on my phone... coffee on my lap... it's my last Monday with all 4 of my babies living under this roof. I'm trying hard to just CHERISH every one of the next 604,800 seconds.  I don't want to waste even one. But sometimes love leaks out your eyes and trickles down your cheeks. Sometimes....

If you're praying for us today, I want you to know that we have our own crossfit-like WoD going on here on Hayes Place. Except it's a MoD (meltdown of the day). Yesterday was Hannah. At the party, it was Elijah. So in addition to keeping my tears from leaking out my own eyes, I also get to navigate others through their grappling with goodbye. I keep reminding myself... this wouldn't hurt so much, it wouldn't be so tough... if our love weren't so deep.

Above all, love each other deeply...
1 Peter 4:8

Fleeting

Life is such a contradiction right now... wishing to be through the tough parts of sending my number one off to Basic Training... yet CLAWING and SCRATCHING to cling to every last second and breathe in every fragrance of his last moments as a child.

This picture came up in my Facebook memories yesterday...

Time. You are so fleeting... Such a punk.... how you scoot past me before I even realize it. I'm sure that just a SECOND ago we were in our country house.... my four lil munchkins... gathered on this ledge... getting ready to start Kindergarten through middle school. I find myself standing here, blinking away the confusion, slightly startled by the fact that I have a 7th grade girl... WHAT?!?!? Two high schoolers... and a son going into the Army. How. Did. This. HAPPEN?

Cherish every second.  That's the ONLY possible lesson God can be speaking to me now. In a blink, Hannah will be the one leaving her childhood behind for the promises of adulthood. As I sit here wondering where the sippy cups, diapers, and car seats went, I realize that before I know it homeschooling, youth group, and acne will be a replaced too... the challenge my friends is this....

Suck it ALL up. Enjoy every minute of whatever season your in. Marinate in those sticky kisses... Relish those tweenage eye rolls.... Enjoy even those HORRIFIC teen boy smells...

But hold on loosely. I have a friend who's a bit more blunt than I am. Yesterday she said to me, "You did realize they'd eventually grow up, right?" I needed to hear that. I can't cling TOO tightly. I can't wallow too long. I have to let go and let them soar. It's been the end goal all along.

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6