Focus

It's been rough around here this week. I haven't been sleeping well all week. Then I started getting a cold. Discouragement has been settling in because it has been a WEEK since we received any mail from our soldier.

Then this morning, John went out to warm up his truck and found a letter to Noah in the bushes.  He brought it in, and I opened it... it was the stamps I sent him 11 days ago! I started crying as I went up the stairs to get a new envelope and mail it again.

"Is this why we've gotten no mail??? Cuz he has no stamps???"

"I'm the worst mom ever!"

"We have the worst mail person EVER!" (this is the THIRD letter we've found... one was returned to us by the neighbor around the corner who found it in front of his house!)

Thoughts assaulted me and just shoved my face deeper in the dirt. After just a lil bit of wallowing (FINE! 15 minutes!), God grabbed me by the messy bun, wrenched my head around, and said to me, "Focus! This isnt about YOU. This isnt about what YOU want. This. Is. About. Noah."

As I focused I realized that even if Noah is out of stamps and unable to write to us, he has STILL been getting mail. I send at least two pieces of mail a day. John sends mail. My kids send mail. My sister sends mail. My mom sends mail. And so many others have reached out to say they are sending him mail. Noah is what matters. Noah being encouraged. Noah getting letters to lift his spirit. And that is happening.

As I refocused, I realized that is my biggest lesson in this season as the mother of a soldier in Basic Training, "Focus." I have to focus on God. When the enemy attacks.... When my fears are boiling over... When I'm exhausted... when I just MISS MY SOLDIER... FOCUS.

I've been just saturating myself in worship this week. It truly is the best way to focus. And two songs have been MINISTERING my socks off (Thank you Alyssa Westrich)....

"It may look like I'm surrounded but I'm surrounded by You...."

and

"All I did was praise
All I did was worship
All I did was bow down
All I did was stay still"

I hope these minister to someone else too. Have a blessed day, and "Focus!"

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.
Hebrews 12:2

Thoughts on growing up...

Here's the thing.... people keep saying things to me like: "Don't say, 'Goodbye'... say, 'See you later.' or "This isn't the end. It's the beginning." But here's the thing: it IS goodbye, and it IS an end. It's goodbye to his everyday physical presence in my life. It's an end to his childhood. It's goodbye to opening his door in the morning just to see him sleeping. It's an end to having four children under my roof. I'm not denying that it's also a beginning. It's not like there is absolutely NOTHING that is good about this transition. But I'm wondering why I don't have the permission to mourn the loss part. Why do I have to focus on the good? Why are we all so afraid of the messy emotions?

I've been studying a lot about anxiety (both for myself and for my anxious child), and one thing I've come to realize is that a good portion of the angst in our souls comes from unidentified emotions. Failing to identify what we're feeling. Refusing to admit what we're feeling. Even misunderstanding what we're feeling. A good portion of peace comes from honestly naming what we are going through. You know... like in that book... the Bible... "the truth will set you free."

So why is it that so many keep advising me in the opposite direction? I dont know... but here's the bare naked truth of this: Yes, this is the natural progression of things. Yes, I raised him to give him wings. Yes, he's doing what he has always dreamed of. But. This. Is. Hard. It is hard for the momma to let go. It is hard to walk the path from being the center of his universe to being a supporting actress to just being in the audience. It sucks not to hug him every day. I hate that I haven't heard his voice in over 48 hours. This. Is. Hard.

Phew! Okay! That felt GOOD! Now I will return to the regularly scheduled programming.... See ya later.... it's the BEGINNING!

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
John 8:32

Noah James

Well today is the day. I'm both ready and not ready. Saying goodbye these past few weeks has been beautiful, perfect, amazing, exhausting, heart-rending, difficult. I am ready to be done anticipating your departure, but not ready to give you that one last squeeze before you leave.

I don't doubt. I really truly don't. For the past 18 years, I've doubted and wondered and worried... was homeschooling the right choice? did I hug you enough? did we pray enough? read the Bible enough? But today all my doubts are gone. You are EXACTLY the man you were supposed to be.... the one I dreamed all along you would be. You are strong and brave and upright. You are going to be a GREAT soldier. You are going to make life-long friends. But best of all, I do not doubt that you are going to change this world for Christ. I know in the depths of me that every single person you touch is going to be gently nudged in the direction of Jesus.

There is so little I need to say to you right now because you. are. SO. ready. for this. The fires this family has walked through have forged you and made you strong as steel yet tender too. You know that God and His word hold every answer you will ever need. I've watched you turn to Him for answers many times this summer. You don't need me to nag you or remind you or squeeze in one more lesson. So I guess I'll just end with this one little whisper: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY PLEASE CALL YOUR MOMMA WHEN YOU CAN.

I love you so much NoNo. I'm infinitely proud of you. And I am so excited to watch where God and the Army take you.

Love,

Mom

They didn't tell me

They didn't tell me how to let go.  I mean I've been doing it lil by lil for many years now... get a driver's license... get a job... now a bank account... pledge your life to the Army... but this last finger gripping on the edge of my first born... no one told me how to let go of that. 

How to drop him off at a hotel so the Army can lend him back to me for dinner. How to come back the next day bursting with pride over the sacrifice he's choosing, but then LEAVE. him. there. and return home to his absence. No one told me how to do that.

I guess I'll just trudge through it knowing that God's grace is big enough.  I guess I'll just focus on how proud I am of what he's choosing to do instead of how much my arms already ache to hold him longer. I guess I'll just blab it all out here for the whole world to read.... so that maybe one person can hear this - letting go, it feels like the hardest part. It feels terrifying and heart breaking and exciting and pride-filled, all thrown in a blender and MASHED up. 

Sometimes I don't even KNOW which feeling is going to come out. Literally JUST this morning I cried as I swelled up with pride while listening to God Bless the USA because MY SON is going to be a soldier and that is the most patriotic thing I can think of. And tonight my eyes are leaking all over the place cuz he's leaving my house... and he's going to South Carolina... and there's a FLIPPING hurricane there!

I guess it's really no different than when he drove off on that first solo car ride.  The only choice I had was to trust him into God's capable hands. To trust his instructors had taught him well. To trust we had instilled responsibility in him. To trust that God's got this and then let go. They just didnt tell me it would be THIS hard.

Monday

Noah's going away party was INCREDIBLE, perfect, blessed, full. I literally couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect event than the one that unfolded on Saturday. 

Then yesterday he and I got to go Walmart shopping for the one backpack worth of supplies he gets to take to basic. We didn't buy much, but it was exactly what this momma's heart needed.... some one-on-one time with my first born.

Today I sit on my couch... Bible app on my phone... coffee on my lap... it's my last Monday with all 4 of my babies living under this roof. I'm trying hard to just CHERISH every one of the next 604,800 seconds.  I don't want to waste even one. But sometimes love leaks out your eyes and trickles down your cheeks. Sometimes....

If you're praying for us today, I want you to know that we have our own crossfit-like WoD going on here on Hayes Place. Except it's a MoD (meltdown of the day). Yesterday was Hannah. At the party, it was Elijah. So in addition to keeping my tears from leaking out my own eyes, I also get to navigate others through their grappling with goodbye. I keep reminding myself... this wouldn't hurt so much, it wouldn't be so tough... if our love weren't so deep.

Above all, love each other deeply...
1 Peter 4:8

Fleeting

Life is such a contradiction right now... wishing to be through the tough parts of sending my number one off to Basic Training... yet CLAWING and SCRATCHING to cling to every last second and breathe in every fragrance of his last moments as a child.

This picture came up in my Facebook memories yesterday...

Time. You are so fleeting... Such a punk.... how you scoot past me before I even realize it. I'm sure that just a SECOND ago we were in our country house.... my four lil munchkins... gathered on this ledge... getting ready to start Kindergarten through middle school. I find myself standing here, blinking away the confusion, slightly startled by the fact that I have a 7th grade girl... WHAT?!?!? Two high schoolers... and a son going into the Army. How. Did. This. HAPPEN?

Cherish every second.  That's the ONLY possible lesson God can be speaking to me now. In a blink, Hannah will be the one leaving her childhood behind for the promises of adulthood. As I sit here wondering where the sippy cups, diapers, and car seats went, I realize that before I know it homeschooling, youth group, and acne will be a replaced too... the challenge my friends is this....

Suck it ALL up. Enjoy every minute of whatever season your in. Marinate in those sticky kisses... Relish those tweenage eye rolls.... Enjoy even those HORRIFIC teen boy smells...

But hold on loosely. I have a friend who's a bit more blunt than I am. Yesterday she said to me, "You did realize they'd eventually grow up, right?" I needed to hear that. I can't cling TOO tightly. I can't wallow too long. I have to let go and let them soar. It's been the end goal all along.

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

Chiseling

The other day I read that trials are God chiseling away the parts He wants to remove from our lives. That image has stuck with me, and this morning it formed into a blog.

I was thinking this morning about how I respond to the chiseling. If you know me you know, I respond to pain by talking, musing, writing, even obsessing about it. I examine it from every angle. I worry over what I did wrong to cause it. I wonder, "If I had only done this differently." All of a sudden it occurred to me... it must be incredibly difficult to chisel a hunk of rock, marble, whatever I am that is constantly in motion.

I realized that the best posture for chiseling is a stationary one. If I would just be still, God's chisel would take exactly what He is aiming to remove. I wondered how often do I flinch, or try to run away, or even just shudder a little, causing the chisel to dig a little deeper. I wonder if some of the pain of going through trials isn't self-inflicted. Worrying about how this will affect my future.... will I be on the streets cuz I can't pay the bills.... how will I live without that person in my life... I bring a lot of the suffering on myself by trying to pick up burdens I have no business carrying.

So as I approach the mountain of basic training in front of me (and as I glance back on the broken relationship behind... even as I look around at the finicaial struggles that are my constant reality) I want to work harder to be still. I want to remain as stationary as possible soaking up every ounce of the lessons God has for me in each season so He can chisel me into a better replica of Himself.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18

Let go

Today I'm struggling with my people pleasing tendencies. I want everyone to love me. I want to make everyone happy. I want a perfect, peaceful, happy world where I offend no one, and I'm never misunderstood. Well Barbie, shake the dust off... we arent in Neverland anymore.

This morning, God is trying to pierce my heart. He's trying to get me to hear something I don't want to hear.... "Let go." I need to stop pouring my heart, my dreams, even my prayers into people I will NEVER please. "Let go." I have people, children, loved ones all around me who love and accept me inspite of my flaws. They deserve my time, my attention, my acts of service. "Let go." I'm not meant to minister to, be in relationship with, be loved by everyone.

I need to "Let go." and allow God to remove from my life relationships that shouldn't be there. I need to "Let go." to free up my hands to pour into the relationships that are God ordained. I need to "Let go."

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
Matthew 7:6

Laying down my why

I like to know why... why I have to walk through this... why I have to be Christlike in the face of vicious, sinful behavior... and my favorite: why is this happening???

This morning as I was wrestling with the why of an ugly, painful, confusing play I've been cast in, I heard my own voice in my head, "Because I'm the mom, and I said so." It's something I say often... when I just dont have the energy to give a 5-point dissertation to my brilliant, precocious, tenacious child. It's something I've threatened to have put on t-shirts to sell. Some things are just because I said so. Doesn't mean I don't have a reason. Doesn't mean I don't care about my child. Doesn't mean I didn't think it through. Sometimes it means I'm too busy to give the reason. Or that I'm too tired to explain. Sometimes it even means that God hasn't even revealed the reason to me yet. I just know in my bones that is the answer.

This morning as I whined, "Why???" I felt, "Because I'm God, and I said so." And it struck me. Might be this painful route will protect me from even worse pain. Might be to protect the other actress in this scene. Might be logical consequences of sinful actions need to be felt. Might be so others can see Jesus in me (In fact, I feel this is an almost constant subpoint why... let's call it a "subwhy" to any suffering. So others can see Jesus in my suffering.)

So this morning I set a new goal... to lay down my why. To place it at the feet of my Heavenly Father.... in submission... in respect... as an act of worship... because HE IS GOD AND HE SAID SO.

I know it won't be easy. A sassy girl like me is going to have to lay down that nasty why over and over and over again. But today I'm going to start trying.

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:9

Icky people

People can be icky, prickly, flawed. I can be icky... prickly... FLAWED. We aren't called to love the behavior of people. We are called to love the people.

Sometimes the behavior of the people I love is terrible. They lose their temper. They make poor choices. They live in perpetuating cycles of dysfunction. But. Still. I. LOVE. Them. Wanna know why? It's not because they are always lovable. Nope. There are two reasons why I love people even when they are unlovable.

1. I love people even when they are unlovable because Christ loves me, and He commands me to love others. When He loves me, it isn't my behavior He's loving. When He loves me, it isn't only when I'm lovable. He. Loves. Me. PERIOD. When He commands me to love others, He doesn't say "love people when they are lovable" He says. Love. People. PERIOD.

This is the message you have heard from the beginning: We should love one another.
1 John 3:11

2. I love people even when they are unlovable because I am unlovable at times too. I lose my crap sometimes. I have unrealistic expectations. I am irritable, ugly, self-centered. I cannot afford to stop loving people when they are unlovable because I am unlovable too!

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.
Romans 3:23

Here's the thing folks... we are called to love. The rest is up to God. Let's work on loving more.... all the time. If we could stop focusing on our differences and just LOVE each other, this world would be a much better place.

A rare treat

Last night I had a rare treat. I'm always bemoaning the fact that I wish I could go back 10 years to when my babies were lil bitty... when they needed me so much... when pudgy lil toddler arms were my constant necklace.... when I was utterly DEPLETED physically but so FULL of being the MOM. In those days, I was exhausted... continually dreaming of when they could wipe their own butts... tie their own shoes... get their own sandwich... Being the MOM was my every minute.... it was commonplace.... we don't often remember to cherish the commonplace.  Well I'm there. Every one of my offspring can do these things on their own now, and you know what? I actually MISS doing everything for them. I miss the commonplace of being the MOM. I'm still their mom,  but it is just not the same.

Yesterday, Elijah had a minor (but PAINFUL) surgical procedure done on a very irritated, ingrown toenail. 

At about 10:30 p.m. (I had been asleep about an hour and a half) Jeremiah woke me with, "Elijah needs you.  He is in a lot of pain." I inspected his toe to confirm we didn't need to call the doctor, and then proceeded to spend the night getting water, Tylenol, pillows to prop the bad foot up. I slept in his room waking each time his moaning intensified to help him find something to ease the pain. It was EXHAUSTING.

This morning as I woke to a WICKED headache I realized... that was it! I got to be the MOM again for a night.  I got to be NEEDED, and I got to care for my nearly grown up baby. And if it weren't for seeing him in so much pain, it would have been a perfect trip back to being the MOM.

Just a couple of lessons here....

To those of you, exhausted, depleted, WORN OUT moms of lil bitties.... please listen to me! Sooner than you can imagine,  these lil bitties WILL wipe their own butts, tie their own shoes, and make their own sandwiches.  CHERISH EVERY SECOND NOW. Because I promise you, it won't be too long before being this needed will be just a distant memory.

To ALL the rest of us.... regardless of what you are going through, there is something about this season of life that you will eventually long for.  In just 7 months I'll send my first born off to basic training.... I remind myself DAILY to CHERISH his stinky socks left out,  his sometime stinky teen-man attitude,  even the senioritis that has set in to plague all his schoolwork... look around right now, and enjoy the good stuff... because it too shall pass.

Resolutions for 2018

I've been praying for several weeks about the New Year.... what will I resolve to change this year? Based upon the lessons of last year,  what does God want me to focus on this year? I felt led to three sweeping concepts to focus on, instead of specific resolutions to make (i.e. break) this year.

Here's what they are:

1. Listen
2. Bend
3. Moderation

(Yes I realize that list is not parallel... but it's my list, and it's the way God gave it to me.)

Listen... this one is so multifaceted for me.... I need to listen to others better... I need to listen more closely to what my body is telling me. I need to  listen more during my quiet time. But most of all I need to listen for that still, small voice from God..... during my regular day... when I'm faced with a big decision... when I'm losing my stuff over something.... when discouragement settles in... I. Need. To. Listen.

Bend... again this speaks to many areas of my life... I want to physically bend more... like literally... stretch, sweat, strengthen, bend more often. I want to bend my mind to the idea that my way isn't the only way... I want to bend my will to love AND accept those whose beliefs are different than mine... but most of all I want to bend me, mySELF to the will of my great God more readily, more completely, more joyfully.

Moderation... the oddball in this list... the only noun in a list of verbs... a place amongst the action of these resolutions... my overarching goal... the sole idea I most want to carry through this year is moderation. So often, extremes are my goal:

*exercise every day
*lose ___ pounds
*build up $____ in my savings
*stop worrying what others think about me

But guess what:

*some days are made for sitting on your butt
*there should be eat cake days in life
*sometimes that cuss word flies out
*sometimes you make a STUPID purchase
*life just isn't as perfect and EXTREME as Facebook would lead us to believe

So I want to aim for moderation... especially at the expense of perfection.

I want to eat healthier, but also have permission to have decadence in my life.

I want to move more often, but I'm not giving up my crochet in my recliner time.

I want to save money, but I need to STOP obsessing over EVERY SINGLE penny.

I want to SLOW MY ROLL during my quiet time... this year I don't want a read through the Bible plan.... instead I want to slowly absorb some specific passages.

...moderation

I love this time of year... the focus on newness... the chance for beginnings... the blank slate of a new year in front of me.... and I'm praying that these concepts will stick with me ALL the way through 2018.