Cinnamon Rolls

This isn't a recipe.... I'm taking my cue from my brown-skinned momma... she doesn't share her cinnamon roll secrets...  I'm not sharing mine either... BUT when I give you a pan of cinnamon rolls... here are the baking instructions:

Take them out of the fridge the second you get up in the a.m.... the closer they are to room temperature before they pop in the oven, the better.

Preheat the oven to 375. (I always leave my pan of rolls on the stovetop while the oven preheats to jump start the warming up process.)

Bake them for 17 minutes (this is how long they take in my oven... watch them... you dont want the dough to cross over into turning brown... then you've gone TOO FAR... remove them from the oven IMMEDIATELY... but don't worry they'll still be delish.)

Snip the corner off the ziploc baggie of icing I gave you, and frost it up! Again don't let common sense be your guide! Use as much as your heart feels is right.

I love you!

the gold...

I was JUST thinking yesterday about how really truly HARD "the old days" were.... 

we were BROKE... I had 4 children... I worked full-time from home.... this particular status.... we were down to one car for a season.... John needed it for work.... so either the kids and I stayed home or we walked... 

on this specific date in time I walked four  children [N - 9, J - 7, E - 5, H - 2 (almost 3)] from 66th and Drexel to the MS for soccer.... pushed a stroller down the side of Drexel... somehow keeping all three boys from darting into traffic... at the tine it seemed large and hard but I just did it.... now I wonder HOW DID I DO THAT??? It seems impossible! 

But here's the best part.... here's the nugget of gold:

When I look back on this now... it is with fondness... those four sweet little faces... their tiny arms around my neck... the toughness of it all... the fear... the "will we make it" (financially and just to the soccer field) all of that tough stuff just fades to gray and the vibrant part... the gold... that is what remains... 

how blessed I was to (as everyone at the grocery store CONSTANTLY reminded me) "have my hands so full" 

Hang on today! Whatever you're going through... one day the gray of it WILL fade away... I promise.

#goodolddays #turnbacktime #timeisapunk #nuggetofgold

Unfollow me...

I just had a teachable moment with my 14 year old about this "unfollow me" trend. It seemed like maybe others (like Twitter and Facebook) might benefit so I'm sharing with all. It went like this:

Hannah, while I agree with the situation you are indignant about, I want to talk about this unfollow me idea. I have a problem with it. If you post, "Unfollow me if you hate Why Don't We." How will you EVER convince those people who unfollow you that Why Don't We is the best boyband that ever existed? [So full transparency that wasn't the ACTUAL thing she said unfollow me about... it is just the best way to make my point.]

I know some of you are filling your "unfollow me" blank with RIGHTEOUS things. Unfollow me if you think it's okay to abort a baby in the third trimester.... unfollow me if you think it's okay to beat someone up because they are gay.... unfollow me if you think it's okay to brutalize someone because of the color of their skin... but I don't care what you fill that blank in with... how are you going to proselytize that person if they unfollow you???

We have become a society of people believing that disagreement is hate... and that tolerance comes from agreement and We. Are. SO. WRONG! Disagreement means NOT agreeing, and tolerance means being accepting of those you DON'T agree with. So many of us are being intolerant in the name of tolerance! The irony is so rich!

Which brings me to Twitter and Facebook.... their censoring has led to a mass Exodus... while most of my conservative friends have not cancelled their FB or Twitter accounts we are taking our real thoughts elsewhere. So what has been accomplished then??? Now FB and Twitter are just echo chambers of their opinions. They have effectively silenced all opposition on their platform. How is that smart? How will you ever convince us knuckle-dragging conservatives that your position is the correct position if we are no longer even hearing your side?

Unfollow me... it's such a sad commentary on our world. Let me say to everyone  reading this what my Lord and Savior said: FOLLOW ME! I want you to FOLLOW ME! Because I plan to use every chance I get to tell you, "Jesus loves you!" And if you unfollow me, then you won't hear it.

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, 

Matthew 4:19 

It is well...

We are standing at the beginning of a deep dark valley. We've actually been descending the backside of the mountain for several weeks. We could see the valley in the distance, so to some extent we could prepare for it. But we've arrived...  Set foot on the actual terrain of the valley last night just before bed.

We've traveled this kind of valley before. It was horrible. Painful. Exhausting. Even faith shaking. As I crawled into bed last night, I felt myself reverting to my old pattern of handling this. Every time I closed my eyes sheer terror overcame me, so I picked my phone back up to try to distract myself from the fiery darts racing through my mind. I think I finally escaped my consciousness just before midnight. I fell asleep whispering the lyrics of my new song.... 

 

You are good

In the morning I sing

You are good

In the evening I sing

You are good

You are good to me

 

I slept like the dead! Blissfully, no nightmares assailed. But when I woke I had that lingering wish I had slept longer feeling. I lifted my cement limbs from my bed and started my day. As I brewed my coffee, the Lord whispered to me. He reminded me how the last time I traveled this valley, I got to the end and glanced back wistfully wishing I had traveled stronger. I repeatedly told Him, "Not that I want another chance to do it better! But..." 

Alas... not my will but His be done... we are here again. And this time. Imma do it BETTER! So just some random reminders to myself... really just a packing list for the trip 

*don't travel alone! Bring your prayer tribe with you, Jami! (You know who you are... prepare to HEAR from me.)

*sing your way through the darkest parts (when sorrows like sea billows blow.... It. Is. Well.)

*cocoon yourself.... reserve your energy... don't overcommit... pull back into your cozy spot and STAY SAFE... surround yourself with love and hope and peace as much as it depends on you.

Here's the thing God spoke to me.... this is gonna happen. You're going to walk this valley. It's up to you whether you walk it with 10 pounds of sharp rocks on your back binge eating m&ms and hot cheetos chased down with espressos.... or if you set down the rocks. Hydrate. Eat whole, good foods. And follow your Guide to the other side.

My goal is the later.

Peace everyone! Have a great day.

For no word from God will ever fail.

Luke 1:37

Worst mom ever....

Everyone has those days right? When you feel like the absolute WORST mother in the world? When you said (or more likely SCREAMED) those horrible words.  When you rushed when they needed slow, spoke when they needed silence, nagged when they needed love.... 

Here's the thing.... it's not getting any easier.... bigger kids bigger problems... I thought this would get easier with time, but it just keeps getting messier and harder.

I suppose if I didn't care about these four humans I birthed more than I care about any other thing I've tried to do, it would be easier.  But the stakes.... they are SO high here.

So regardless I did it. The other day. Spoke what I thought would be a convicting encouragement.... boy, did I miss the mark! It cut to the bone and left my child aching. 😢 If you know me you know I'm an overthinker extraordinaire... so I have been mulling it over.... agonizing...  analyzing... condemning myself for two days.

This morning as I untangled the situation with my hubby, the Lord gave me peace and direction. See I wasn't really WRONG in what I said. There was truth in my words. And I never intended to cut so deeply or cause any pain at all actually. 

The Lord got me thinking about two things:

1. Sometimes people say things to me that HURT. Because I am such a sensitive person I focus on the butt hurt feelings. I stew and moan and, "Why did they SAY that? It hurts so much!" But just because words hurt me doesn't mean they aren't true. And even deeper every single hurtful thing (even the untrue ones) can teach me something. Maybe if only 

*that's not how I want to be or 

*I should be cautious about giving unsolicited advice. 

Every. Single. Thing. In life can be a lesson... if I let it be one.

2. I have to do a better job listening to the Holy Spirit. 

*With those in my very immediate circle (John, Noah, Jeremiah, Elijah, and Hannah) I tend to let every whisper I hear from God FLY out my mouth with little filter. They deserve more. It is okay to count your words with your most intimate people. So I need to zip it a bit more.

*With other people I tend to shake my head and press my lips closed... not ceding to the Holy Spirit as easily because I fear rejection and condemnation. I need to open up my mouth more freely with them. My close friends deserve my whole heart laid vulnerably in their hands. 

So hear I am.... if I'm going live it I want to learn from it. So I'm going to pray God will give me the strength to apply these lessons. But I also want to use this public forum to say: 

Noah James, Jeremiah David, Elijah Daniel, and Hannah Elizabeth, I love you more than my own life. I'm sorry you have an imperfect mom. You deserve a perfect mom. But what you do have is a mom who LOVES you with ALL of her heart.... and a mom who will NEVER stop trying to be a better mom. Please forgive my failings.  I never set out intending to let you down.

Love,

Mom

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8