Confessions...

God has been teaching me a lot through this most recent series of troubles. See I think regardless of the reason WHY I am going through this (if there is a sin God is trying to weed out of my heart, if my faith is being tested, if there is someone in my life who needs to see me go through this so they can weed out a sin or have their faith tested...) there is ALWAYS at least one thing that I can glean from my trials. Whether that thing is the primary reason for my struggle or just a secondary lesson doesn't matter at all. Being the kind of person who CONSTANTLY asks, "God, what can I learn here?" That is what matters.

Because of the answer I have received to the "God what can I learn here?" question, I have several confessions to make.

Somewhere deep in my heart I still believe that if I follow the rules, life should go my way.  In spite of the fact that I see MULTIPLE examples in scripture that prove this to be a fallacy: Jesus, Job, Paul... I still think that if I love God and serve Him wholeheartedly, if I take care of the sick and elderly, if I give the shirt off my back to those in need, then I should just skip down a rose-lined path without a care on my mind. The problem is... for those roses along the path to grow, there needs to be a little rain. Because I have yet to root out this false belief from my heart, when the rain falls I feel challenged, chastised, discouraged.

I have too much on my plate. (Many of you are right now going, "DUH! We knew that all along!" Here's the thing. I know it too. I've known it all along as well. The problem is there is not much that I feel I can scooch off my plate. And some of the things that well-meaning people in my life have suggested I scooch off wouldn't actually make my plate any emptier... they would just fill it with a different thing.) Because I have too much on my plate, the smallest addition to my plate results in chaos. Remember a few days ago at Thanksgiving? You had that plate FILLED with goodies: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes covered in gravy, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce. At one point, your plate was FULL... not a smidgen of white visible. Imagine if you had taken your fork and scooched clear a little space. Just a TEENY tiny space for that yummy look jello your Great Aunt brought. What would have happened? CHAOS! Yummy turkey, piping hot potatoes and scrumptious stuffing would be all over the floor! There is only SO much room on your plate and if you scooch a clear spot for jello... something is going to fall over the edge.  My life is that plate:  laden with homeschooling, telecommuting, elder caregiving, sick husband transporting, cheerleading coaching.... If I try to scooch a clear spot for a broken refrigerator, CHAOS abounds!

This weekend my parents took us all on Haugh Holiday. We went to Green Lake and stayed at the Heidel House (BEAUTIFUL resort, GORGEOUS grounds, GREAT amenities, COURTEOUS staff). We started Thursday with a Thanksgiving buffet. The way I tackled that buffet is (I think) the solution to a plate that is too full (in life and at Thanksgiving dinner). Some in our party went through the buffet line trying to get everything they wanted in one trip. I took a different approach. I went up, took a salad plate, and made myself a salad. Then I returned to the table to consume my salad. Next, I went for a hot plate, filled it with meat, vegetables, and stuffing. Returned to enjoy that. Finally, I headed for the dessert table.  I'm still not POSITIVE how this translates into real life, but I think it looks something like this:  one day at a time... one task at a time... slow down... risk being consumed by the fires burning all around and tackle one segment of life at a time.

I don't know where this train is taking us, but I trust the conductor. I can't see down the road. I don't know how this two more months of driving John around is going to pan out. I can't see how this STUPID refrigerator nonsense will be resolved. I can't tell you how all these messes in my life will be tidied up. But I TRUST THE CONDUCTOR. So hard as it is, I am trying to just relax in my seat, doing my part (and my part alone) while He does His job of keeping this train on track.

I hope these ramblings ministered to someone today. You know even if they didn't, this was an exercise in obedience for me. God wanted me to publicly admit these things and I have done my part.

This morning, I begged God to forgive me for my doubt, for the false beliefs I have held onto, for my inability to submit to what He is doing here. I am now begging Him to FILL ME with more of Him. So that I have the strength to tackle this crazy life of mine one plate at a time.

Thankful list....

Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving! My FAVORITE time of the year! I love to be thankful and this year I AM thankful!  So this year instead of being verbose and eloquent, I'm just making a list.  A thankful list....

THANKFUL LIST
*John J. Kastner
*Noah J. Kastner
*Jeremiah D. Kastner
*Elijah D. Kastner
*Hannah E. Kastner
*Amanda & James Starkweather
*Amber Kastner (btw... HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUT TO MY BEAUTIFUL 21-year old step-daughter!)
*my mom
*my dad
*my sisters and my brother
*my mother-in-law
*my friends who are always there with a listening ear
*my cheerleaders
*my Bible
*being a wife
*being a mom
*working from home
*homeschooling my children
*coaching cheer again
*my health
*Haugh Holiday
*turkey and mashed potatoes, stuffing and cranberry sauce
*FOUR DAYS off
*5/6 Boys Basketball at HCS
*my trials, which are building perseverance and making me mature and complete not lacking anything
*living in a free country that has people willing to sacrifice there lives to keep us safe (like my baby brother!)
*Jesus Christ my Savior, my Lord and my BFF

[I'm sure there's more but I have to get GOING. We leave for Haugh Holiday in 2 1/2 hours and I'm not even PACKED!]

May you have a BLESSED Thanksgiving filled with good food, fellowship and fun. May God remind you today of all the things you have to be thankful for.

Maniacal laughter...

There comes a point.... past the slough of suffering.... beyond the trail of tragedy... far, FAR down the peak of excruciating pain, even a few steps past the distant dark of discouragement.... I like to refer to it as the mountain of maniacal laughter. This place is reached only after so much has gone wrong that it becomes comical. You can't even cry over your troubles. All that is left is to laugh like a maniac because most would not even BELIEVE what you have laboriously walked through is even true.

I reached this precipice tonight. It was after yestetday's refrigerator debaucle. Long past our brush with yet ANOTHER craigslist scam. Even after complete CHAOS threatened to make null and void a VITAL contract I had entered into. The maniacal laughter started after John reported not only did the doctor refuse to shorten the ban on him driving... but He actually EXTENDED it. EXTENDED IT!!!

I'm at that point.... the trials of my life don't even seem BELIEVABLE anymore! I mean who has TWO brand new appliances fail COMPLETELY when they are less than 18 months old? Who drives her husband 30 miles one way to reach the BUS STOP to get to work? Who barely escapes her SECOND brush with a scam on craigslist? Who does these things???? Jami Lynn Kastner... that's who.

Now you may think the maniacal laughter means I have gone crazy... but tonight I recognized it for what it really is... And the realization brought more laughter. I have been trying to figure out how I am going to do all of this.... how I will get John to work an hour away.... how I will make do until the fridge gets fixed.... how I will deal with this and that .... tonight I just started laughing when I realized... I CAN'T. I just CAN'T. this one is ALL God's. The ball is in His court, and if He wants John & me to make it through the next 2 months of John being unable to drive then HE will have to carry us through it. He will have to reveal some pretty crazy miracles. He will have to make a way when there seems to be no way.

I think the laughter comes in because I'm like... really Jami? It took you this long? It took this many things before you would finally LET GO and realize the One you serve didn't bring you to these herculean circumstances to watch you fight through them on your own... He brought you to this place to do MIGHTY things THROUGH you. So step out of the way and stop trying to DO IT! You are messing everything up! Let Him do it.

And I will. I'm laying down my tools. I'm done trying to figure this out. One day... one minute at a time.... I will just keep plodding on. I don't have to know how we are going to get there.... I just have to let Him navigate.

Stay tuned y'all. I just have a feeling that we are all about to witness SOME KIND OF show here in the Kastner household! Because in order for this to work out, God will need SOME kind of fireworks show.

God bless you tonight! May you too realize that He is in control. May you let Him navigate the way for you.

When it feels like God is late...

Before I even start, let me please make it CLEAR:  I know that God's timing is not our timing. I know that He has not dropped the ball. I know that He is still in control.

But sometimes it FEELS like God is late. It feels like He should have stepped in weeks, months or even years ago. It feels like SURELY He has lost track of all the things currently heaped on one person's shoulders. It feels like He lost track.

I have been PRAYING! I have been BEGGING for prayer and I KNOW others are praying too... yet still here we sit.. nothing changes but for the worse.

I know all the Christianese for my situation: I know I need to hang on. I know I need to trust God. I know I need to consider the lilies of the valley....

I also know that I have been BEGGING God to let me catch just ONE title to write about for MONTHS now... nada. I also know that I have been trusting Him to bring GOOD out of John's most recent medical woes... nopes! Nothing but negative ramifications raining down on us from that. I know that every single stinking place I turn there is NOTHING but broken down, negative, NONSENSE coming my way.

This morning I woke up to the refrigerator incessantly beeping. This is a NEW fridge... just THREE WEEKS out of warranty. And it is DEAD. Won't cool anything... won't stop beeping... I was able to get the manufacturer to cover the service and repair it under warranty; HOWEVER, they aren't even coming for the service call until Tuesday (and then who knows how long till the parts come in)... What in the WORLD? What is up with us? We just have the WORST luck ever and I can't figure it out! This fridge is new and in 13 months it has NEVER caused us even ONE problem... Yet now... right NOW with John still unable to drive, my "layoff" from freelancing starting to squeeze us, and my schedule so full I have NO wiggle room... NOW I get to figure out how to CHEAPLY feed a family of 7 without a refrigerator. The timing on this couldn't be worse and I just want to know WHEN? God WHEN will you step in and help me out????

I have been crying much of the day.. this may seem like just a stupid refrigerator but I am TIRED and WEARY and fed up with being the poster child for Trials R Us!

I have been trying for the past month to weather this with grace and godliness. I haven't fretted or worried... I keep trusting that God is going to figure this out... that He will make a way when there seems to be no way, but I am DONE now... I can't keep believing that everything is going to be "okay" when quite CLEARLY it is not.  I know in my head that He is not late, but right now I feel like God has forgotten me.... like He doesn't remember that I already have a HEAVY load on my shoulders and I don't need anymore burdens to carry. I know that's not right but I also know that is what I feel. Defeated... Discouraged... Hopeless...

I want to believe that He's gonna rescue us but I'm just not sure I can.

So what do you do when it feels like God is late?  On the way into town today, I just kept chanting to myself, "I love God. I love God. I love God." I couldn't make it past that... One thing I know is I LOVE GOD... I suppose nothing else matters much.

I think often of that scene in Facing the Giants when the coach's wife is struggling with her infertility issues and she keeps saying, "I will still love you, God." I am SO there.... I am at the end of me... my hopes and dreams lie dashed on the rocks, but I WILL still love Him... no matter what.

Move

For Lori Brady and to remind myself...  We just might bend girl but we WON'T BREAK!!!!!