Confessions...

God has been teaching me a lot through this most recent series of troubles. See I think regardless of the reason WHY I am going through this (if there is a sin God is trying to weed out of my heart, if my faith is being tested, if there is someone in my life who needs to see me go through this so they can weed out a sin or have their faith tested...) there is ALWAYS at least one thing that I can glean from my trials. Whether that thing is the primary reason for my struggle or just a secondary lesson doesn't matter at all. Being the kind of person who CONSTANTLY asks, "God, what can I learn here?" That is what matters.

Because of the answer I have received to the "God what can I learn here?" question, I have several confessions to make.

Somewhere deep in my heart I still believe that if I follow the rules, life should go my way.  In spite of the fact that I see MULTIPLE examples in scripture that prove this to be a fallacy: Jesus, Job, Paul... I still think that if I love God and serve Him wholeheartedly, if I take care of the sick and elderly, if I give the shirt off my back to those in need, then I should just skip down a rose-lined path without a care on my mind. The problem is... for those roses along the path to grow, there needs to be a little rain. Because I have yet to root out this false belief from my heart, when the rain falls I feel challenged, chastised, discouraged.

I have too much on my plate. (Many of you are right now going, "DUH! We knew that all along!" Here's the thing. I know it too. I've known it all along as well. The problem is there is not much that I feel I can scooch off my plate. And some of the things that well-meaning people in my life have suggested I scooch off wouldn't actually make my plate any emptier... they would just fill it with a different thing.) Because I have too much on my plate, the smallest addition to my plate results in chaos. Remember a few days ago at Thanksgiving? You had that plate FILLED with goodies: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes covered in gravy, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce. At one point, your plate was FULL... not a smidgen of white visible. Imagine if you had taken your fork and scooched clear a little space. Just a TEENY tiny space for that yummy look jello your Great Aunt brought. What would have happened? CHAOS! Yummy turkey, piping hot potatoes and scrumptious stuffing would be all over the floor! There is only SO much room on your plate and if you scooch a clear spot for jello... something is going to fall over the edge.  My life is that plate:  laden with homeschooling, telecommuting, elder caregiving, sick husband transporting, cheerleading coaching.... If I try to scooch a clear spot for a broken refrigerator, CHAOS abounds!

This weekend my parents took us all on Haugh Holiday. We went to Green Lake and stayed at the Heidel House (BEAUTIFUL resort, GORGEOUS grounds, GREAT amenities, COURTEOUS staff). We started Thursday with a Thanksgiving buffet. The way I tackled that buffet is (I think) the solution to a plate that is too full (in life and at Thanksgiving dinner). Some in our party went through the buffet line trying to get everything they wanted in one trip. I took a different approach. I went up, took a salad plate, and made myself a salad. Then I returned to the table to consume my salad. Next, I went for a hot plate, filled it with meat, vegetables, and stuffing. Returned to enjoy that. Finally, I headed for the dessert table.  I'm still not POSITIVE how this translates into real life, but I think it looks something like this:  one day at a time... one task at a time... slow down... risk being consumed by the fires burning all around and tackle one segment of life at a time.

I don't know where this train is taking us, but I trust the conductor. I can't see down the road. I don't know how this two more months of driving John around is going to pan out. I can't see how this STUPID refrigerator nonsense will be resolved. I can't tell you how all these messes in my life will be tidied up. But I TRUST THE CONDUCTOR. So hard as it is, I am trying to just relax in my seat, doing my part (and my part alone) while He does His job of keeping this train on track.

I hope these ramblings ministered to someone today. You know even if they didn't, this was an exercise in obedience for me. God wanted me to publicly admit these things and I have done my part.

This morning, I begged God to forgive me for my doubt, for the false beliefs I have held onto, for my inability to submit to what He is doing here. I am now begging Him to FILL ME with more of Him. So that I have the strength to tackle this crazy life of mine one plate at a time.