Night driving...

I struggle with driving at night... it's something about not being able to see were I'm going.... like FAR down the road going... even though my eyes can see the lane lines RIGHT in front of me, I can't see FAR down the road... and that scares me. I get this weird panic attack feeling when my brain can't gather the distant image and has to rely solely on just the feet in front of me that my headlights illuminate. I have this panicked NEED to KNOW where I'm going! It happened several times on this girl's road trip to see Noah and struggling through it was PACKED with application for me. Gonna try to unpack it here.

It hit me like an owl flying out of the dark and into my windshield: well well well... at least you're consistent! You get this same panicked feeling when you can't see where your trials are taking you also. When you can't see FAR down the road of the struggle (which is most of the time when you're walking with God).... When all you can see is the few feet of the situation RIGHT in front of you that your headlights have illuminated.

I thought about how I was getting through the night driving terrors, and it was DEEP y'all! 

1. I breathed... like I seriously connected to my breath and just BREATHED my way through until it passed.

2. I encouraged myself... I literally talked (out loud) to myself, "Focus on what you can see, Jami. Just keep breathing. Stay between the lines you can see. Just stay in your lane."

3. I found a vehicle up ahead to fix my eyes on for perspective, and I course corrected off of them. 

4. Sometimes... it didnt really make sense. But sometimes I even sped up in order to catch up to another car that I could use for perspective. 

And I thought..... when I get home I have GOT to blog about the parallels between these night driving terrors and struggles. The connections aren't hard to draw, but imma draw them here in the hopes that it will cement these reminders in my fickle heart.

1. Breathe.... when life throws you a swift hard PUNCH to the gut... BREATHE. Just BREATHE. Physically.... it helps to just concentrate on your breathing.... inhale slowly.... count if you have to... exhale slowly... focus HARD on the process of breathing... give time for the panic to dissipate a little.

2. Encourage yourself. Remind yourself of God's promises. Tell yourself you're going to survive. Redirect your panicked thoughts to focus on what you can see... to stay in your lane... get your eyes OFF the problem and onto God.

3. Find a vehicle up ahead! Tell someone about your struggle. Find someone who has previously driven down this road and FOLLOW THEM until you get your perspective and can see the whole road again.

4. If you have to SPEED UP to catch someone to follow... it's not Sunday yet??? Find your church family anyways. You don't know anyone who has struggled down this road? SEEK THEM OUT.... don't give up until you find another person to help you course correct... to give you perspective... to help you see which way to go.

The first time this terror hit me.... I was just a few hours from Noah at about 8 p.m.... stopping until daylight just wasn't an option. So I pulled up my big girl pants and fought through. On the return trip, as night fell.... I kept the lessons I learned in NC in the front of my brain.... I sought out vehicles to follow the entire time I was driving.... whether in a well-lit area or a DARK stretch of the path..... I made sure there was always someone in the distance for perspective... I practiced taking my eyes off the distance and navigating by the lane markers... and I just kept breathing and telling myself it would be fine.... just for a little next-level fun it started POURING in Indiana... even before dark fell... I just kept using my strategies,  and I powered right through.

I feel like this blog is a bit of a jumble.... but I hope it ministered to someone. Even if it didnt.... it helped me to get it down for posterity so the next road trip or the next struggle.... it will be better cemented in my brain.... and for me, the most important takeaway was.... find someone to follow through the dark.... 

Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

1 Corinthians 11:1 

For His name's sake...

I'm unpacking this verse this morning:

He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake.

Psalms 23:3

Already wrote an entire blog about one part...  went back to finish meditating on the rest of the verse and caught THIS:

for His name's sake....

It hit me like a ton of bricks... FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE.... He guides me along the right paths FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE.... not for my comfort... not for my enjoyment... not for perfection... but FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE.

Follow me here.... if I'm on the right path for His name's sake, it might get messy, so He can be glorified.... it might get HARD, so He can show HIS power.... it most likely will NOT be easy.... because I'm on the right path FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE not for anything else.

Wow!

The right paths...

"Sometimes life's just hard  for no reason at all."

Carol Boone... Remember the Titans

I struggle A LOT with wanting to believe if I just make the "right" choices,  do everything "right," be a good girl.... then life will work out... be easy... picture perfect. 

This morning I was meditating on the "verse of the day"

He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake.

Psalms 23:3 

The Lord spoke to me about the "right paths".... He showed me that even on the "right paths" there are potholes... there are rocks that can roll your ankle or even block the path.... there are things that could trip you or ways you can be forced to slow down... right paths aren't perfect... nothing is perfect.... except God. 

This revelation drew me back... full circle... to the movie we watched with Noah two days ago.... Remember the Titans.... after a tragic,  life-altering car accident,  Carol Boone (Coach Boone's wife) says, "Sometimes life's just hard, for no reason at all." 

Sometimes you can do everything,  every single darn thing, "right" and still end up having to go through some hard stuff. That's life, and it's beautiful and comforting while sad and infuriating. 

Today I just wanted to remind myself,  right paths aren't always easy.

In the fire

I'm walking through some tough stuff on many different fronts of my life. Hated and reviled... thwarted and resisted... worn and labored... and don't even get me STARTED on this fall's allergy season!

Yesterday, I kept finding my heart screaming,  "Why?!?!" Why do I have to walk through this fire? "What?!?!" What are you trying to forge through these flames? "How long?!?!" How long will this inferno rage on?

This morning as I sat quietly with my faithful cup and my more faithful God, He whispered to me. It's all about our relationship. Get your eyes off the fire, Jami. Focus on Me. Get that smoke out of your nostrils. Breathe in My peace.  Don't give any more power to this pain by dwelling on it. Give me EVERYTHING, and let Me be powerful in it ALL.

My situations aren't any better this morning.... but my heart is. I'm gonna hunker down in the safety of my God's arms and let Him wage the wars that need to be won.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:2 

The darkness

Do you ever just stop... and look around... and wonder.... what is this landscape? This darkness all around me? Whose life is this? Why doesn't it match the dreams I had in my head? 

That dissonance.... that discrepancy.... this perfectionist's very SOUL screams out for HARMONY! CONTINUITY! PEACE.... between the dreams I held for myself and this thing called life. 

I'm a bit densely constructed... it takes just a smidge to get through to me... but I'm starting to see... that dissonace...  it's actually poignant.... I'm not meant to love this life. I'm not meant to fit in this scene. These unfulfilled dreams... these disappointments... the life that just doesn't match what I'd imagined... they serve a real and righteous purpose.

They point me to God. They make me long for my heavenly home. They force me to THROW myself at His feet screaming, "God I can't do this alone!!!"

So weary traveler take heart... that paltry bank account... those lonely nights... that tragically MESSED UP situation you can hardly make heads or tails of.... it's serving a purpose. Lean into it. Let it show you how big your God is. Let it take you to His feet. Let it exponentially surge your desire to be with Him... right now in prayer and forevermore in Heaven. Don't fear that darkness.... let it lead you to His light. 

There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

Revelation 22:5