They didn't tell me

They didn't tell me how to let go.  I mean I've been doing it lil by lil for many years now... get a driver's license... get a job... now a bank account... pledge your life to the Army... but this last finger gripping on the edge of my first born... no one told me how to let go of that. 

How to drop him off at a hotel so the Army can lend him back to me for dinner. How to come back the next day bursting with pride over the sacrifice he's choosing, but then LEAVE. him. there. and return home to his absence. No one told me how to do that.

I guess I'll just trudge through it knowing that God's grace is big enough.  I guess I'll just focus on how proud I am of what he's choosing to do instead of how much my arms already ache to hold him longer. I guess I'll just blab it all out here for the whole world to read.... so that maybe one person can hear this - letting go, it feels like the hardest part. It feels terrifying and heart breaking and exciting and pride-filled, all thrown in a blender and MASHED up. 

Sometimes I don't even KNOW which feeling is going to come out. Literally JUST this morning I cried as I swelled up with pride while listening to God Bless the USA because MY SON is going to be a soldier and that is the most patriotic thing I can think of. And tonight my eyes are leaking all over the place cuz he's leaving my house... and he's going to South Carolina... and there's a FLIPPING hurricane there!

I guess it's really no different than when he drove off on that first solo car ride.  The only choice I had was to trust him into God's capable hands. To trust his instructors had taught him well. To trust we had instilled responsibility in him. To trust that God's got this and then let go. They just didnt tell me it would be THIS hard.

Monday

Noah's going away party was INCREDIBLE, perfect, blessed, full. I literally couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect event than the one that unfolded on Saturday. 

Then yesterday he and I got to go Walmart shopping for the one backpack worth of supplies he gets to take to basic. We didn't buy much, but it was exactly what this momma's heart needed.... some one-on-one time with my first born.

Today I sit on my couch... Bible app on my phone... coffee on my lap... it's my last Monday with all 4 of my babies living under this roof. I'm trying hard to just CHERISH every one of the next 604,800 seconds.  I don't want to waste even one. But sometimes love leaks out your eyes and trickles down your cheeks. Sometimes....

If you're praying for us today, I want you to know that we have our own crossfit-like WoD going on here on Hayes Place. Except it's a MoD (meltdown of the day). Yesterday was Hannah. At the party, it was Elijah. So in addition to keeping my tears from leaking out my own eyes, I also get to navigate others through their grappling with goodbye. I keep reminding myself... this wouldn't hurt so much, it wouldn't be so tough... if our love weren't so deep.

Above all, love each other deeply...
1 Peter 4:8

Fleeting

Life is such a contradiction right now... wishing to be through the tough parts of sending my number one off to Basic Training... yet CLAWING and SCRATCHING to cling to every last second and breathe in every fragrance of his last moments as a child.

This picture came up in my Facebook memories yesterday...

Time. You are so fleeting... Such a punk.... how you scoot past me before I even realize it. I'm sure that just a SECOND ago we were in our country house.... my four lil munchkins... gathered on this ledge... getting ready to start Kindergarten through middle school. I find myself standing here, blinking away the confusion, slightly startled by the fact that I have a 7th grade girl... WHAT?!?!? Two high schoolers... and a son going into the Army. How. Did. This. HAPPEN?

Cherish every second.  That's the ONLY possible lesson God can be speaking to me now. In a blink, Hannah will be the one leaving her childhood behind for the promises of adulthood. As I sit here wondering where the sippy cups, diapers, and car seats went, I realize that before I know it homeschooling, youth group, and acne will be a replaced too... the challenge my friends is this....

Suck it ALL up. Enjoy every minute of whatever season your in. Marinate in those sticky kisses... Relish those tweenage eye rolls.... Enjoy even those HORRIFIC teen boy smells...

But hold on loosely. I have a friend who's a bit more blunt than I am. Yesterday she said to me, "You did realize they'd eventually grow up, right?" I needed to hear that. I can't cling TOO tightly. I can't wallow too long. I have to let go and let them soar. It's been the end goal all along.

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

Chiseling

The other day I read that trials are God chiseling away the parts He wants to remove from our lives. That image has stuck with me, and this morning it formed into a blog.

I was thinking this morning about how I respond to the chiseling. If you know me you know, I respond to pain by talking, musing, writing, even obsessing about it. I examine it from every angle. I worry over what I did wrong to cause it. I wonder, "If I had only done this differently." All of a sudden it occurred to me... it must be incredibly difficult to chisel a hunk of rock, marble, whatever I am that is constantly in motion.

I realized that the best posture for chiseling is a stationary one. If I would just be still, God's chisel would take exactly what He is aiming to remove. I wondered how often do I flinch, or try to run away, or even just shudder a little, causing the chisel to dig a little deeper. I wonder if some of the pain of going through trials isn't self-inflicted. Worrying about how this will affect my future.... will I be on the streets cuz I can't pay the bills.... how will I live without that person in my life... I bring a lot of the suffering on myself by trying to pick up burdens I have no business carrying.

So as I approach the mountain of basic training in front of me (and as I glance back on the broken relationship behind... even as I look around at the finicaial struggles that are my constant reality) I want to work harder to be still. I want to remain as stationary as possible soaking up every ounce of the lessons God has for me in each season so He can chisel me into a better replica of Himself.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18

Let go

Today I'm struggling with my people pleasing tendencies. I want everyone to love me. I want to make everyone happy. I want a perfect, peaceful, happy world where I offend no one, and I'm never misunderstood. Well Barbie, shake the dust off... we arent in Neverland anymore.

This morning, God is trying to pierce my heart. He's trying to get me to hear something I don't want to hear.... "Let go." I need to stop pouring my heart, my dreams, even my prayers into people I will NEVER please. "Let go." I have people, children, loved ones all around me who love and accept me inspite of my flaws. They deserve my time, my attention, my acts of service. "Let go." I'm not meant to minister to, be in relationship with, be loved by everyone.

I need to "Let go." and allow God to remove from my life relationships that shouldn't be there. I need to "Let go." to free up my hands to pour into the relationships that are God ordained. I need to "Let go."

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
Matthew 7:6