Hannah Banana

(just an aside... did you ever hear the story where someone asked Hannah what her last name was and she said, "Banana?"  FUNN-EEEE!)

Hannah Beth is doing GREAT! We saw the doctor yesterday morning. She said that Hannah's eyes look GREAT! The weird discoloration we are seeing in one of her eyes is similar to a bruise turning yellow and green prior to fading. It is okay that the bloodiness is fading at different rates in each of her eyes. Her eye alignment looks VERY straight which means she is seeing better and her vision in that crossing eye will still be able to properly develop. The "pain" Hannah is reporting is likely simply for a little more attention. I had wondered that; however, with the AWFUL way her eyes look I was not able to be an impartial judge tthe topic. I kept getting distracted by how scary her eyes looked.

In fact, today when she told me her eyes hurt and I tried distracting her she said, "But I want to go see Dr. Patterson." She is still taking the drops like a champ, and she is (with the doctor's okay) running about a little. Although she is still firmly entrenched in Momma and Daddy's bed each night (aye carumba!)  Still I don't think that's too bad.

Thank you all again for praying us through this far!  Hannah doesn't have to see the doctor again until 8/29. So I'll give you all a report then.

[I tried but I can't get a pic of her icky eyes... I mean they are still beautiful but they are all bloody in the corners.]

An epiphany...

Today was a grueling day. Rose at 4 am (after not being able to fall asleep last night and then startling awake every 1-2 hours cuz I was afraid we'd overslept), dropped the boys at Jodi's, and headed to the surgicenter. It was a HORRIBLE experience.
We were doing fine until it was time for Hannah to take some Versed. Just like her Momma, she is NOT one for liquid medication. John and I had to pin her down, TWICE, before the medicine went down. Then they started to wheel her away, and she cried, "I want my MOMMA!" all the way down the hall! Talk about ripping a mom's heart out and STOMPING on it!
And then all those children having surgery! Some of them (8's & 9's) came in crying, obviously not wanting surgery. Some were YOUNG, and it was awful. I was crying for at least 3 of them who weren't even mine. Surgery took longer than expected, and it seemed an eternity before they called, "Family for Hannah."
The doctor met us and said everything went JUST as hoped for, and Hannah did great! When we were called back to recovery Hannah was resting peacefully. She awoke and said,  "Mom! I can see you!" And then dozed again.
After an hour in recovery we headed to Auntie Jodi's, by way of Walmart first (to get Tylenol and a baby doll reward), and picked up the boys. We were home by just after noon. John, Hannah and I took a 2-hr nap. Then we ate dinner. The patient is doing GREAT. No nausea from anesthesia. No fever. No complications. We are actually having a hard time keeping her down right now. She wants to run about and play, but we want to be careful cuz she's still a little off-center from anesthesia. (Weird how quickly kids bounce back!)
So now to the epiphany part...
I literally took time to pray before I shared this. It was such a REAL, STRONG word from God, and I really hope I can properly express it to you all.
It happened post-op, as I was sitting in the chair holding Hannah. It occurred to me that Hannah might be thinking, "Momma why did you let this happen to me?" Indeed I did have the power to stop that from happening to her. The doctor required OUR authorization before she could operate on Hannah. John and I did NOT have to agree to it. She cried out, "Mom! My eyes hurt!" I could have prevented that pain. I had the power to avoid it. But because I want what is best for my little girl, I had to give authorization for this surgery to take place. From her finite 5-year old perspective, the Versed, the wheeling away from us, the pain, our refusal to let her itch her eyes... they made little to no sense. But John and I looked at it from a different perspective... one that focused on our daughter keeping her vision. So we forcibly administered the Versed. We gave authorization and let them cut into our baby's eyes causing her pain, agony, and itching that may drive her insane. Because that was what had to happen to bring about the best results for her.
In a light-bulb-above-my-head moment, it occurred to me what a perfect example this is of why God allows us to walk down difficult roads. Often we cry out, "God why are you letting this happen to me?" And indeed He does have the power to stop it. He could help us avoid the pain, but He sees from a different perspective. Our finite perspective cannot understand why God would let these things happen to us. However, He sees with eyes that are focused on a different goal. So He forcibly administers the Versed, allows them to wheel us away, and lets them inflict painful procedures on us.... because He knows what is best for His babies.
If this analogy didn't minister to you, then just ignore it. But God impressed it on my heart today because SOMEONE needed to hear it.
God bless, and have a great night.

Thinking of Jesus tonight...

Don't get your undies in a bind!  I KNOW full well that what I am walking through pales in comparison to what He did!  Yet I can't help but REALLY, TRULY relate to our Savior, in the garden. Sweating drops of blood as He prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." 

Oh what I wouldn't give to have the rapture come TONIGHT! I just feel like I don't have the stomach, or the nerves, or the guts to walk through yet ANOTHER surgery.  I do not want to!  Alas, the choice is not mine. I need to do this, and I need to be brave while I do it.

So PLEASE keep on praying! You may not feel like you are doing much, but your prayers are how I am getting through this!  Keep on praying, and I'll keep on being brave for Hannah. Have we got a deal?

Thanks everyone!  His will be done.

One more thing....

Tomorrow I will be tweeting status updates for anyone interested..... You can read this updates via Twitter, Facebook, or right there on the left side of my blog on my twitter feed (underneath my Blog Archive).

surgery is scheduled for 7:30 a.m.

Thanks in advance for praying us through this!

Tomorrow...

Ugh... I'm so unsure how to even blog about tomorrow, but I need to get this information OUT THERE because we need some prayer support.

Tomorrow is the day. Hannah has her eye surgery. 

Dr. Maria Patterson (the BEST Pediatric Opthalmologist in the WORLD) will be operating on my baby's eyes at 7:30 a.m. tomorrow morning. 

Dr. Patterson will be detaching Hannah's inside eye muscles and reattaching them further back so that they do not pull so tightly on her eyes, causing them to cross. 

This is a routine surgery she has done a gazillion times before. But this time it is different.

This time it is MY baby girl's eyeballs she is cutting into. This time it is MY life, soul, heart and breath on her operating table. I trust God (and Dr. Patterson) implicitly, yet I am still VERY nervous. I know that He has this in control, yet I wait with anxious anticipation of the fear, stress, agony, and WAITING tomorrow will bring.

See it is like I am a little girl waiting in line to go on the Demon at Great America (come on... all you old peops out there... you remember when we called it just Great America right?  and you remember the Demon... maybe they still even have it???)  Anyways, it's like I'm standing in line with my dad waiting for the Demon. My dad is right next to me, and it gives me courage to know that he will be with me the whole time. I  know that he will protect me from any preventable tragedy he sees coming my way: if someone in line tries to push me down to get ahead of me, he will protect me from their assault.... if I forget to buckle my seat belt, he will check it before the ride starts... and if I stumble with dizziness and nausea after the ride, he will catch my elbow to keep me standing up. However, even though I am just a little girl, I realize that there are some things my dad can't prevent: the ride could go off the track, my seatbelt could snap off, etc...

That's how I feel today.  I know that my Dad is standing in line with me. I know that He has the ability to protect me from awful things that might come my way. However, I have been through enough (and I have seen those I love go through enough) to know that my Heavenly Dad won't always protect me from everything that COULD go wrong. I know that brains slip out of place, children get terribly sick, and husbands walk away from 25+ years of marriage. I trust that if after this "ride" I should stumble and fall nauseous and dizzy from the results of it, my Father will be right there to grab my elbow and keep me standing. Yet, still a little fear of what might come resides.

That's just life. God loves us desperately and dearly, but "bad" things happen to "good" people ALL the time. What's the answer? I think it is the same things I have been saying for just over 2 years on this blog:

*CLING to Jesus... when the ride gets rough, when the waves get high... CLING TO JESUS

*tell the world... I really think here on earth we suffer in silence TOO much. I do NOT believe that God wants this. I strongly REFUTE this concept that God knows our needs so we should just be silent and let Him impress those needs upon other people's hearts. (I have heard this one A LOT over the years... especially when John was having brain surgery, and especially as it relates to financial needs) I think we need to BLAB our worries, fears and needs to the WHOLE world. Satan wants you to keep them quiet because Satan knows what a POWERFUL resource we have available to us in the prayers of the saints, and Satan does NOT want us tapping into that. So if you are struggling tell the WORLD! (or at least tell someone) so they can lift you up before the throne of Him who has the power to do something about it.

*buckle up that seatbelt cuz it is gonna be a ROUGH ride... I am covering my own self in prayer. I am randomly spouting out encouraging scripture as if I have Tourette syndrome. I am surrounding myself with Christian music (thank you Klove and Pandora) and I am just casting down EVERY thought that is not from above (worry, fear, trepidation.... these are NOT from God).

If you have something looming on your horizon, will you join with me today? I know it is scary. I know what COULD happen. I know that you fee INCAPABLE of overcoming the mountain in front of you. But PLEASE stand with me and CLING to Jesus, tell the world, and buckle up!  It may be a bumpy ride, but we are NOT on it alone.

God bless, everyone!

Hannah's Surgery

I just scheduled Hannah's surgery. Thought this might be the quickest way to share the information.

August 16 - in the afternoon

Thank you in advance for your prayers.

The baby with the glasses....

Hello dear blog readers. Do you feel used and abused because I only blog when there's something wrong? I don't know what to say except, "I'm sorry." See life swirls at such a frenzied pace around here that I literally have no time for the luxury of blogging. I have been doing a lot of freelance writing for Demand Studios which does not leave much time for blogging. But today life threw another one of those darn monkey wrenches at me, and I need a little therapy... the only therapy I can afford... blogging.

See it all started nearly five years ago....

We took Hannah to her 4 month well-baby checkup and I distractedly asked the pediatrician, "Is it a bad thing that her eye crosses like that?" Sure enough it was. My four-month old perfect baby girl had strabismus caused by the fact that she was severely far-sighted. Thus began an endless parade of HORRENDOUS little plastic glasses FINALLY replaced by cute and trendy frame after frame after frame!  No lie at this point the girl goes through AT LEAST three pairs of glasses per year.

***There was the time that she threw her little pink plastic glasses out the window of the minivan as we sped down I-94... never got those ones back.

***Then there was the season where we had to make her wear a patch over her strong eye for hours a day. We bought ADORABLE decorative patches: tiaras, flowers, polka dots, and pink, pink, pink... Alas it didn't make the patching more fun.

***and now this.

You know I thought by the fourth child I kinda had this parenting thing figured out... so HEY for a little twist let's through in this tiny pair of PRESCRIPTION eyeglasses and the HYSTERICAL task of keeping them on a baby's face, keeping her from teething on the lenses and EVEN retrieving them from the garbage can of a Target cashier who thought they were a TOY.

Our journey through the world of pediatric opthamology has been grueling; however, the past two appointments started revealing a light at the end of the tunnel. That was until today... when the tunnel caved in and the light was cut out, "The glasses aren't working. Hannah has to have surgery."  Those BLASTED little eyeglasses! The bane of my existence!  I retrieved them out of situations I don't care to reveal. I have offered reward after reward after REWARD for their recovery. I have spent the past two years driving an hour ONE WAY to travel to the amazing Lisa at the Stein Optical on Hwy 100 and National to make sure the bifocals in those precious little glasses were cut properly. I have cared for pair after pair after PAIR of those little glasses for five years.... and TODAY they let me down. They did NOT do the job. So now we have to travel down another bumpy road.

Now don't get me wrong people I KNOW that we CAN do this! I know that in the grand scheme of things... ranked next to a daddy who needed brain surgery and would be out of work with NO INCOME for months and would probably NEVER return to full pre-brain surgery strength... this measly little eye surgery carries little to no degree of difficulty. But... (and that's a very big BUT there):

1. that is MY baby girl they are going to be doing ROUTINE eye surgery on

2. I don't care that I CAN get through this... I don't WANT TO... I just don't want to!  I want God to reach down and miraculously touch those little eyes and make them WORK so I don't have to sit in a waiting room for 1 - 2 hours waiting while someone cuts my baby's eyeball open.

As I drove home from the doctor's visit, I ran to the one and ONLY place I can ever find comfort. I turned on K-Love... desperate for a word from my loving Father....  He just NEVER, EVER, EVER disappoints.

First I heard...

I was sure by now... God you would have reached down...
and wiped out tears away... stepped in to save the day...
but once again... I say amen... and its still raining...
as the thunder rolls... I barely hear You whisper through the rain....
"I'm with you."

Next...

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...
Your perfect love is casting out fear.
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life...
I won't turn back I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

So I will praise Him in this storm.... because I know my God is with me... But if you get a second please throw up a little prayer for the little girl with the eye glasses.... all her life she's worn those little eye glasses... but now she STILL has to have her eyes cut into... and while you're at it say a little prayer for her daddy... handing her over into the arms of the surgeon just may break that man. Oh and don't forget her momma too... a lady who has been through the WRINGER and just does not WANT to go there again.

Although as I always tell my children when they tell me what they want:  I want to be a size 10. I want to be sitting on the beach in Aruba. I want a clean house and less gray hair. 

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT!!!