The God inside "a Jami"....

I had a Jami on Friday. Oh boy! Did I have a Jami!  Let me set the scene... and remember I haven't slept in FOREVER!

The Friday prior, I had a service man out to work on our washer.  If you have been a long time reader of this blog you will recall that this washer is NOT old.  Just eleven months old to be exact.  This is the THIRD time we've had to have it serviced (can you say THANK YOU LORD for a warranty?!?!?!?) and the man reported we would need ANOTHER new transmission (what is UP with this lemon???) So anyway after a week with no washer, in spite  of a trip to the laundromat, WOW! were we READY to see the washer repair guy return to install the parts which had FINALLY arrived.

So I went downstairs to get my morning work started, and Jeremiah came running downstairs, "Kiah ran away!" I rushed upstairs to assess the situation.  As I did, Noah called to say he was chasing Kiah through the cul de sac  behind our house. I got in the van to drive the leash to him.  I found them, but by the time I did they were in the field BEHIND the cul de sac with some random man I'd never met (a neighbor who came out to help Noah).  I traipsed through snow drifts in FLIP FLOPS to get the leash to Noah and watch as Kiah took off across Madison Road into the cornfield across the street.  I traipsed back THROUGH the snow bank in my flip flops and got in the van to depart the cul de sac, pass our house and get on Madison Road.

As I passed my house I saw the washer repair guy in the driveway.  I stopped to tell him I would be right back, and he informed me he could not enter the house until I got back... ERGH!  I got to Noah and random nice stranger (I'm starting to wonder if he was really an angel) and found Kiah was just PLAYING with us!  Zipping around the field... Coming close then going far away... Finally, random stranger tackled her and Noah was able to get the leash on her.  We traveled home and let the washer repair guy in, and I was EXHAUSTED and thinking what a Jami!  Little did I know....

We did school while the washer guy fixed our machine.  We did a happy dance because we could wash clothes again.  Meanwhile I received a phone call for work which was IRRITATING to say the least!  All I have to say about that is, "Do you want a job or not people???  Don't treat me like a bill collector!  I'm trying to HELP you get this job!"  Okay I'm done with my rant.

So I finished up that tangled situation and Noah came into my office, "Mom," he said very quietly and depressed, "I think I lost my cell phone when we were chasing Kiah." OHMIGOSH!  Actually this did not come as a big surprise to me, because I had tried to call him at one point during the fiasco, and he didn't answer.  But too much was happening then for me to process what that meant.

We hoped back in the car and traveled over to the first field Kiah frolicked in because I was pretty sure he had called me from that field and then not answered after that.  Noah said we should pray, and we did. The wind was whipping like CRAZY!  There was a high wind advisory that day. And I kept calling Noah's phone and praying he would hear it.  I also prayed that God would lead him to that phone. Noah tracked the sound of the phone zig zagging across the field.  I could tell he had the "scent" of it.  Finally he threw his hand up in the air in VICTORY! He found it!  It wasn't in a puddle.  It wasn't gnawed up by an animal. It wasn't lost forever.  He found the proverbial needle in the haystack (which shall from now on be called the cell phone in the corn field)!  Imagine our surprise therefore when he opened it up to find the ringer was disabled.  What in the WORLD had he heard then???  All of a sudden the MIRACLE of finding the phone in that HUGE field became breathtaking as we realized he could NOT have been hearing the real ringer.  God must have been leading him... whispering to him via the sound of a cell phone ringer because that phone's ringer was OFF!

Here I am finally at the inspiration part of my blog today:

God is ALWAYS inside "a Jami."  He is there!  I don't believe He causes the bad things to happen, but I believe He is right THERE making a way for good to come of it.  I believe that He laid His hand of protection over that tiny little cell phone for HOURS until we realized that it was gone.  Then He led us to the right field (through the whispering to my heart about the unanswered call) and STRAIGHT to the phone (through my son's ear which is finely tuned to sounds AND to God's voice). Not because that cell phone was SO important.  But because He wanted to teach us a lesson.... And likely because He KNEW that I would BLAB that lesson to all of you too.

God is THERE in the midst of our catastrophe!  He is THERE!  He doesn't want the chaos and craziness to be happening to us but we live in this evil, sinful world and there is NO way to avoid ALL of the yuck of the world we live in. But do NOT be deceived!  He is RIGHT there! Waiting and working and planning so that SOMEHOW even your worst tragedy turns out for your victory.

Hang on my dear friend!  Wait for it!  Wait for it!  There it IS!  The God inside "a Jami"!

Part 2...

I am literally starting to wonder if my SOLE purpose for existing is so people can look at me and think, "PHEW! Am I glad I don't have HER life!"

So I was cruising along, basking in the warmth of the glow from the good report my mom got after her heart cath this morning. Since Gma was staying with me while dad stayed at the hospital with mom, I had called in and told my work I wouldn't be very available. I was concentrating on ONLY having to homeschool (and care for two old ladies). We were SO far ahead of schedule!  The kids were doing GREAT!  Gma was folding laundry with wild abandon.  I didn't even notice Auntie Marge slip away from the kitchen table. All of a sudden I heard a THUD!  I jumped up to investigate and as I walked down the hallway I could see Auntie Marge's head sticking out of her doorway.  She was lying on the ground.  I took ONE look at her and I KNEW something was wrong with her right leg. It was just at an odd angle AND it was completely lame. She couldn't move her foot AT ALL.

This day has SO many more twists and turns that I will skip all the details of how I got her into the chair, arranged an adult to supervise the boys staying home with Gma, notified my parents and John, cancelled the rest of our school day, etc... I had to CARRY her to the car because she could not use that leg AT ALL.  She is VERY light; however, she was dead weight, and she kept slipping out of my arms.  At one point, I almost passed out.

I kept thinking this CANNOT be happening!  This canNOT be happening!  They discharged my mom from Waukesha Memorial at about noon, and she and dad headed straight for Hartford Hospital to check on Auntie Marge. Really???  Two ER visits in two days???  What kinda crazy family does that???  We do apparently.

Soooooooo Auntie Marge is having surgery to repair her broken hip/femur tomorrow at 1 p.m. (PLEASE pray for her.  She is VERY scared as she has never had a surgery before.... 89 years she made it without ever having surgery!) But now we get to the part where I was finally reduced to tears.

John met us in Hartford after work, and we ate at Culver's.  Then he took two kiddos home, and I took two to do the Walmart shopping. We finished our shopping without a hitch (I had my mode of payment with me this time) and got in the car.  We turned right onto Hwy 60 from the Walmart parking lot.  We traveled.. idk... about 100 feet??? and reached the place where the streetlights stop, and I was INSTANTLY and COMPLETELY disoriented.  I couldn't see the road AT ALL.  I had NO headlights!  Panic mode kicked in, and I held back my tears.  I called John, and we problem solved.  We decided (with hazards on) I would return to Walmart (they have an automotive shop) and see if they could help me.  I will NOT lie. Last summer's almost unsolvable taillight issue was haunting my soul, and at that point the tears were JUST under the surface.

I got to Walmart and started incoherently babbling to the automotive guy. He walked into the shop and voila! I had lights.  I was like "WHAT???"  He reported, "You have brights (I didn't think of that)... which means it isn't electrical. I'm guessing your low beam bulbs just burned out."  Apparently I am just SO lucky that BOTH bulbs burnt out at the SAME time.  WHATEVER!  that was it... I holed up in the waiting room and let the tears start....  Whose life is LIKE this????  I tell you I couldn't MAKE this stuff up!  Fact TRULY is stranger than fiction!

Have you seen Evan Almighty???  God (Morgan Freeman) tells Evan that everything He does, He does because He loves Evan.  At one point, Evan's family has walked out on him.  The whole city thinks he's nuts (he is building a boat in his subdivision just like Noah built the ark)... Evan says, "I know, I know, everything You do You do because You love me."  His lawn sprinkler comes on timer and squirts him in the face, and he SCREAMS, "Could you love me a little less!?!?!?"  Let's just say right now I can relate to that scene.

But I gotta bring it around to something inspirational... and really and truly the tears were just tears of exhaustion... I'm not despondent over here.   I'm just DEPLETED.  Here's the verse I'm clinging to:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Tune in tomorrow for another episode of Calamity Jami  Will she plummet off a cliff? Be struck by a rogue wind turbine? Or just lose her pants in the middle of the hospital waiting room? Only God knows and only time will tell.

Peace out my faithful readers.  And don't forget to say, "PHEW! Am I glad I don't have HER life!"

Too blessed to be stressed....

Do you ever just wonder what business God is about? Like I mean, I TRUST Him, and I KNOW that He has my best interest at heart; however, there are times when I just think, "Seriously God? Seriously?" The funny part is this is a RECURRING theme in my life. Almost always I have SO MUCH on my plate that any mere mortal would be in the loony bin from like HALF of what I'm dealing with... It makes me think, "Hmmmmm God what are you doing in this situation? What am I supposed to glean?" and I'm not gonna lie pretty frequently, "When will this all end!?!?!?!"

Take for instance today:

1. John is on the second day of being home with another neck/brain surgery setback. It was really VERY innocent. On Tuesday night, Hannah jumped up on him to hug him then she grabbed his chin to turn his head and give him a kiss, and POW! excruciating pain and he literally collapsed to the bed. Well, not really one to give up without a fight, John went to work on Wednesday but even during his commute when he called, I could tell he was in no shape to work. He was back home shortly after lunch and has not left bed since. The most ironic part of all of this is that on Sunday he said to me, "Babe, I have been trying to deny it for almost two days, but I think I have another kidney stone." Well I don't know how many of you recall that part of the saga. How in late 2008 - early 2009, John had three different bouts with kidney stones, and how one scan of his kidneys revealed "several" stones in the kidneys. AYE YI YI! REALLY!?!?!? So now this one week we are dealing with kidney stones AND brain surgery setbacks. The only good news is that now the pain from his neck is so severe that he can't feel the kidney stones moving.

2. Every now and then this telecommuting thing is not so fun. See Hannah infiltrated my office this morning and picked up my work phone when it was ringing. When I figured that out I wanted to PUKE! I just spent the morning doing damage control: apologizing to the reference, apologizing to the client, apologizing to my boss... My stomach is still in knots from the entire ordeal.

3. Our minivan... so yesterday I rejoiced to my family and even ALL of FB about the fact that our minivan repair, which had been estimated at $600 was only going to be $118.92. Then just before lunch I called to check on the status and the owner of the shop said, "Well that's just the first thing we're trying. We don't know for sure that is going to fix the whole problem. Didn't they tell you that?" Well, no, kind, balloon-popping sir, they did NOT tell me that... thanks for peeing on my parade! I have been CLINGING to my hope though and REFUSING to doubt. I am trying to BELIEVE that the first thing will be the only thing and this will STILL be a miracle from God; however, they STILL haven't called back about it.

So in the midst of all of this, I'm left to wonder a little:

God what are you doing in this situation??? (actually THESE situationS.) This morning I read this out of Hebrews 12:7a Endure hardship as discipline; and from Hebrews 12:11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. I have mused before about why we suffer, but this week as I've been reading in Hebrews I have been hearing over and OVER from God, "WHY you suffer doesn't matter. HOW you suffer DOES!" Take the suffering... take the hardship... as discipline. Discipline doesn't only mean punishment. Discipline also means training. When we endure hardships, we should consider ourselves to be "in training." Now John and I have been in training A LOT since we've been married. I keep telling myself, athletes training for the Olympics require MUCH MORE discipline than those training for a recreation department athletic event. So I keep soothing myself by imagining myself as an Olympic athlete.

What am I supposed to glean??? This question has SO many answers for my situation today. Some of them I am sure have not even been brought to my attention yet. But so far here is what I have:

1. the body is a frail thing. It cannot be cut open and have a portion of it's skull removed without far-lasting implications.

2. pain is sooooooooo relative. Kidney stone pain seems excruciating; however, when compared to the pain of the side-effects from brain surgery... it becomes minute. That is an IMPORTANT lesson... because the stress of having a sick husband, a big boo boo at work, an out of commission minivan can look pretty HUGE but when compared to the stress of _________ it could become minute.

3. EVERYONE makes mistakes. EVERYONE has snafus. See I live in this terrible world where I expect Jami Lynn Kastner to be perfect. One tiny mistake... One tiny screw up.... and I am spiraling out of control, hating myself, thinking I'm worthless. Yes I SHOULD have shut the door to my office. Yes I SHOULD have noticed sooner that Hannah was not upstairs. But EVERYONE makes mistakes. I have to learn to deal with that.

4. Do not EVER let Satan steal your joy. I was dancing around, bawling yesterday when they called to tell me that the van would be $118.92. Then after the second call I couldn't quite conjure up dancing. My parade had been metaphorically peed on, but I still REFUSED to stress or worry about it being more costly. I chose to keep my mind trained on the $118.92 and I REFUSED to look at the $600 looming in the distance. See that is a CHOICE! We ALLOW Satan to steal our joy. We ALLOW Satan to make us worry. We can CHOOSE not to give him that power.

5. God is God over ALL of this too. He is God over John's neck pain. He is God over John's kidneys too. He is God over John's job and this time spent out of work. He is God over my job and the issues Hannah caused. He is God over our minivan and its possessed taillights. He is God!

Finally, to my last question:

When is this all going to end??? I have longed for a VERY long time from relief from continual and constant "testing of my faith"... I know! I know! it's "developing perseverance." I know! I know! "Perseverance must finish its work." I know! I know! that when perseverance finishes its work I will be "mature and complete.... not lacking anything." But guess what???? I am TIRED and I think my faith has been tested enough! But here's the answer to my question... Even if it NEVER ends. Even if this is what the REST OF MY LIFE looks like: wounded husband, tight finances, enough stress on my plate to feed a family of seventeen.... I will STILL praise Him, AND I am STILL too blessed to be stressed!

God has given me more than I could ever ask for. More than I could ever imagine. Whether He has me walking down sunny paths with flowers lining the way or trudging up a rocky cliff with my blood trailing behind... It doesn't matter because I will never stop loving Him and I will never stop believing that I am blessed.

Birthday blog....

On the occasion of my birthday I thought I would reflect on what I've learned over the past 12 months. It's been a rocky year... one that resembles some sort of boot camp experience... but I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I learned A LOT:

1. It is God who holds my heart in His hands. He is the only One who will never let me down, leave me, or betray me. Friends, family members, spouses... They disappoint, leave, betray, even die... But He NEVER will. NEVER!

2. It is very important to keep my focus forward; however, glancing backward to remember where I have been is VITAL when attempting not to repeat past mistakes.

3. You can't fix stupid. This may sound funny coming from a teacher; however I have come to see that I CANNOT change the inane rules my insurance company has... I CANNOT change a headstrong, mule-like person... I just CANNOT fight city hall.... Therefore, some battles are better left unfought.

4. Stress.... It's a killer! Stress will catch up with you. It doesn't matter how much I think I resemble Wonder Woman. It doesn't matter that I think I can handle it. Put your body through continual and constant stress, and eventually, the effects will begin to show.

5. His grace is ALWAYS sufficient. No matter what I FEEL like. No matter what I FEAR. No matter what the devil is whispering to me.... No matter that those aforementioned effects of stress are beginning to show... His grace is ALWAYS sufficient.

6. People are crazy and we live in strange times. (Have to admit I stole this one from my mom and her healthcare seminar).... it's so true... read it again... marinate on it... I think you'll agree.

7. One ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship. (Spanish Proverb) When push comes to shove.... When I am down on my luck... When I feel like I have no one else to turn to... My family is ALWAYS there for me and this I can ALWAYS take to the bank: my Momma loves me.

8. This thing called parenting... Heck this thing called marriage... it just ain't as easy as it looks. There are days when I want to throw the whole kit and caboodle out with the used dishwater, BUT... the benefits... should I choose not to throw in the towel... are well, well, WELL worth it.

9. I am sooooo glad that God chose these specific angels to be my babies. They may be daredevils.... Their heads have been known to spin around.... But they are sweet and smart and kind and polite.... They LOVE Jesus with all of them and THEY ARE MY BABIES! And I am GRATEFUL!

10. John Joseph Kastner is the bravest man I know. He is no saint, and he is not perfect. But he bravely faces down EVERY challenge that comes before him. He will fight to the DEATH for his family and especially his wife. He will never give up no matter how insurmountable the odds seem... no matter how scared he is... no matter what it might cost him. I am ever grateful that my God chose THIS man to complete me... for without him I would be NOTHING.

So there it is... another year older, and actually, I think this year (more than many others) I am actually another year wiser as well. It is NOT a year I wish to repeat EVER again, but it is definitely a year that brought me closer to God, my husband, my children, and my family. It was definitely a year that made me stronger. Hope I'm not too whimpy though if I ask just one thing as a "birthday wish"...

Dear God, Can I please have an easier year next?

Dancing with Cinderella.....

So I had this HUGE day ahead of me yesterday. TONS on my to do list and time ticking away. I was in the shower sopping wet, and I heard my phone ringing. It was John's ringtone. He doesn't typically call me on the drive to work so I knew there was something wrong. "I need you do come pick me up. I'm on Hwy K." With those words my whole day was turned upside down.

[This blog is NOT about the issues which left him stranded on Hwy K, but because I know I will field ZILLIONS of questions about this if I don't put it out there: all is fine and taken care of.... God prepared a solution before we even had the need. Now focus on my lesson PLEASE!]

It reminded me of a scene in Evan Almighty where Evan says something about what his plans were. God (Morgan Freeman) says, "Your plans?" and then proceeds to bust a gut laughing. See so often we get so caught up in OUR plans, but there are MANY times when God's plans aren't the same as ours.

My plans for Friday, May 14th included errands, work, schooling and TONS of cleaning. God's plans for me for Friday, May 14th included an emergency call at 7:03 a.m., an unexpected expense, and a tax return being deposited on THAT day so the expense wasn't a big deal.

Yesterday reminded me not to be so caught up in MY plans that I am not receptive to His plans. Yesterday ended up being a GLORIOUS day: unexpected time off with my hubby, ALL the errands done much easier then if I had done them myself, and most of my to do list accomplished. Sometimes when we are pitched a curve ball that turns our day upside down we are not very graceful. However, we have to constantly remind ourselves God knew EXACTLY how that ball was gonna curve.

Hannah keeps throwing me one of those curve balls lately. She keeps asking me, "Mommy will you dance with me?" Typically when she asks this, I'm not at a point where I have time for frivolous things. Although truth be told, I NEVER have the time for frivolity. However, in the few seconds after that question is asked, ZILLIONS of things run through my mind. See the question ALWAYS reminds me of the song Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman.

So I'll dance with Cinderella

While she is here in my arms

I'm sure many of you know the tragic story of his daughter Maria.... killed in a terrible accident at the tender age of five. I think of the fact that even if I do not lose my Hannah at a young age, every day she is growing up and I am "losing" my baby a little bit. Sooner than I like to realize, she and I will be fighting over how much stomach that t-shirt shows (or whatever other teenage battle we'll engage in), and I'll be longing to hear her sweet little voice saying, "Mommy will you dance with me?" So every single time, no matter what I'm doing: chores, work, stealing a few selfish moments for myself, I drop it, and I gather that precious little Cinderella in my arms and I DANCE! I bury my face in that soft blond hair. I inhale of her big girl sweetness. I memorize the feeling of those tiny little arms squeezing my neck. And I dance.

That's what I tried to do yesterday. After all the stress and struggle and juggling, I reached over and took my husband's hand and danced. I enjoyed being alone with him. I enjoyed being at home with him. I danced.

I hope you take some time to dance today too. You won't regret it.

Pray without ceasing....

My life has been so stressful lately! Many have expressed concern over the blogs I've been posting. I guess that's the downside to bare naked honesty. Too much is never enough. I try sometimes to keep a few of MY details out, in order to make my writing applicable to more people, but then I seem to muddy the water and arouse suspicion. Idk...

Just this week I told John, my gut was getting sketchy and was telling me to run away from my life as a lesson for awhile, like I did this past summer when the heat was turned up too high. He encouraged me to take a different route this time. Wisely advising, that possibly by standing through the heat God would reveal even more to me.

So here I stand. My yuck displayed (or at least mostly displayed) for all to see. I've really been going through it lately. I can't EXACTLY finger when this most recent plunge into the depths began, but it has been a rough start to 2010, a year I had hoped would be MARKEDLY better than its predecessor 2009, a year which will go down in infamy as the year that nearly destroyed Jami Lynn Kastner.

Since the middle of January, I have been helping the rest of my family to care for my elderly grandmother. This is a labor of love for all of us; however, even when laboring for love you can get depleted. All of us are playing different roles in this play entitled Keep Gma out of a Nursing Home as Long as Humanly Possible. For me it involves traveling to Franklin (a 1-hour drive one way) twice per week and working and homeschooling from my parents' house while caring for Gma. I also prepare dinner (most of the time) for my entire family on those days and try to keep Hannah from destroying my mother's things (not very successful at that one). Caring for Gma is not THAT bad in the grand scheme of things. Her care involves mostly gently cajoling her to do the things she needs to do: teeth brushing, hair brushing and ensuring her meds are taken and vitals are recorded. I do prepare her meals (but big WUP I was doing that for four little ones anyways.... what's adding in one more mouth to prep food for). Most things she is still capable of doing herself. Also, this labor is not without its perks. I am compensated monetarily. We are fed from my parents' pantry two days a week. They have cable, a fact the children RELISH. However, it is still exhausting to take the Crazy Kastner Show on the road two times per week.

Add into the insanity the fact that our washer broke about a month ago. So for that long I have been dragging the laundry of a family of seven to and from Franklin with us twice per week. Again.... there is ALWAYS a silver lining.... my Gma and Auntie Marge fold all my clothes while we are at my parents, but still it is EXCRUCIATING to have this big of a family and have no washer. We are VERY close to hopefully having enough money to replace the beast, but until we do.... on I plod dragging my dirty (and then clean) clothes to and from Mom & Dad's.... being a burden to my parents electric bill and depleting their laundry supplies... and remaining incapable of instantly cleaning up any childlike emergencies (puke, HUGE milk spills which become VERY stinky when stored for 3 or 4 days, other things to delicate for the senses to be posted here).

Oh and that brings up the next little stress to my system. My Great Aunt (also elderly and now incapable of living independently) moved in with us at the beginning of February. In many ways, this is not so bad. She pays us room & board (which is a HUGE help). She LOVES and ADORES the kids and frequently occupies them (especially Hannah who could definitely use 24-hour observation to keep her out of trouble). However, it is still a shock to our system to have a new person in our house. She does require assistance and care, which is a little hard but I keep telling her (because she feels bad and that she is a burden to an already stressed out woman) she changed my diapers when I was a baby... I can do my part and get her a cup of coffee or remind her to take her meds. It is, however, quite "interesting" living with someone who has spent the past five years basically being a hermit. She has REALLY toned down the continual talking about inconsequential things; however, she still reads me EVERY SINGLE street sign we pass when we are in the car. It's like I have a living breathing GPS system sitting next to me. That means that four times a week for one hour each time I have to hear,

"Madison Road. Turning onto Madison Road."

"Hwy 33. We're at Hwy 33."

"Washington County. We're in Washington County now."

"Hwy 41. That's how we get to Milwaukee. Hwy 41."

"Germantown. Already in Germantown."

ALL THE WAY TO AND FROM Franklin! It is interesting to say the least.

The typical Kastner stresses have been heating up too.... John's neck/shoulder muscles have been revolting lately. They seem to get tighter by the day. The other night he walked into the bedroom, and his shoulders were nearly touching his earlobes. The pain and tightness tends to make him a "little" crabby to the point that I'm about ready to make a bed for him on the front porch and start sliding his meals through the screen door. And lack of money... ahhhh lack of money my constant companion..... we are now just $106 away from paying off our van yet last month we had to scrape and struggle to come up with a HUGE amount of back payments to ensure we were allowed to keep the dilapadated beast we just about own. I cannot remember the last time I was able to go to the grocery store and just BUY the things we need. This week I promised the kids that the second I had the full amount budgeted for groceries they could each pick their favorite meal and that week we'd have "Favorites Week" for dinners. They are so sick of having no "snackies" in the house, but yet they still don't tire of pancakes for dinner. PLEASE!!!! No one tell them that this is because pancakes cost just pennies per serving and make a VERY economical dinner. They think I am spoiling them!

Finally, add into this recipe for a breakdown: stress with my work, still adjusting to living in a new community, my oldest entering the "tween" stage and acquiring a rare, but oh so lovely, teenage type attitude, rolling my stinking ankle every time I try to get a little "me-time" by working out, a bum back cuz I'm old & out of shape, my face breaking out like a teenager, having a husband I rarely see cuz he works two jobs, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF!

I've been begging God for answers, solutions, coping strategies, and as always, He "gives generously to all without finding fault" (from James 1:5) I have been getting some answers, and here's the first one.

pray continually; I Thessalonians 5:17

That's the entire verse. I swear it is. If you don't believe me, look it up! It doesn't say, "Pray when you're in trouble." It isn't, "Pray when good things happen." It isn't even, "Pray morning, noon and night." I think that I Thessalonians 5:17 may be the most poignant verse in the whole Bible.... "pray continually;" (emphasis mine)

I looked up continually. Here's what I found:

1 : continuing indefinitely in time without interruption

2 : recurring in steady usually rapid succession

Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession.... Is that how you pray??? I guess I'll have to examine that idea to arrive at my answer to that question.

At first I guess I thought that God was saying to me, "Pray some more, Jami." But the more I looked at it, the more I came to a different conclusion.

If my directive from God's Word is to pray "Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession...." I guess I would have to look at EVERYTHING I do as part of my prayer. I stopped to think: Is my life lived as a prayer to God? Are my words formed as a prayer to God? When I'm talking to my children? Is it language worthy of being before the throne of God? When I'm working? Is it work worthy of being before the throne of God? When I am relaxing? Is it in a manner worthy of being before the throne of God?

This concept is rocking my world. [Quick Sidenote: I absolutely LOVE and ADORE the way God takes a concept we know... one we have known since Sunday School.... one we memorized in AWANA.... one we heard about in Youth Group.... even one we clung to in previous dark days.... and REVOLUTIONIZES its meaning to us so we understand and KNOW it more deeply more completely... the same yet completely different.] This morning it came to fullness in my heart. It had been kinda lurking around in the shadows of busyness for several days and today it stepped out into the light and made itself FULLY known.

pray continually;

So that's the first coping strategy God is giving me.... turn my life into a prayer to Him.... make every word I say.... every action I execute.... a PRAYER TO HIM.... make my inner thoughts and the aroma of my attitude a PRAYER TO HIM.... be CONTINUALLY (Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession....) in prayer.

That's my challenge to you today too....

pray continually;

I've got tons more that God is teaching me through all of this, but today's blog is long enough. You'll have to wait until tomorrow for more. So until tomorrow...

pray continually;

Lucy! You got some essplainin' to do!

As I sit here at my desk, scraped knee throbbing and twisted ankle aching, I am pondering the realization I came to last night: I often feel like my life is an episode of I Love Lucy. Now I don't have too many recollections of specific episodes of I Love Lucy. In fact, the only one I can pull up right now had Lucy & Ethel working in a candy factory, and in order to keep up with the conveyor line they were stuffing candies into their mouths. That's all I've got. However, I do remember the entire gist of the show was Lucy (and typically Ethel) getting into trouble and just having CHAOS ensue all around her. Here's the episode of I Love Jami that played out yesterday.

To set the scene, I have had a DIFFICULT week and a half or so, which started with a ton of emotional "re-healing," on the heels of which came my baby girl developing pneumonia, all throughout this time my work has been stressing me out to the point I fear I will stroke out, and then throw in a dash of normal Kastner Kraziness: a diorama had to be made for AWANA, Hannah's Cubbies' vest has been missing for two weeks, the wash machine has been broken for three weeks, we had to scrape together the money to get current on the van payment this week OR ELSE, and on top of all that, I decided to start working out to get back into shape. I haven't been drinking NEARLY enough coffee to compensate for these occurrences, but the exercise endorphins have been helping.

Soooooooooooooooooo.... I spent the day yesterday working. I sent out eight reports!!! (that's VERY good.... trust me.... typical would be 2 or 3) I also ROCKED our homeschooling world with my new rule: NO TV or Xbox until EVERY bit of school is done! The only TV break they took (in order to give me time to wrap up a little more work) was to watch a documentary on Australia I found on Netflix. By 1 p.m. we were done with school and by 4 p.m., I had gotten in nearly six hours of work! I was CRUISING!

I was bound and determined to workout even though tonight was AWANA and that was going to put some boundaries on my time frame. So at 4:30 I took off down the cul-de-sac on the cardio portion of my workout. As I traveled down the street, I saw there was a house for sale. Out of curiosity, I picked up a flyer and then to be funny, I started texting the details to my sister. I said, "Wanna move? 222K.... 3 BR... 3 bath... 1.25 acres..." POW! The pain hit me like a freight truck, from out of nowhere! Texting while walking is apparently just as dangerous as texting while driving for someone like Lucy (I mean Jami). I had veered too far to the left and stepped off the pavement onto the rocky shoulder, rolling my ankle and CRASHING to the ground forcefully. My ankle was twisted, my knee scraped, and my hands were burning (I had my gloves off so I could text better). I got up quickly and started hobbling towards home. It must have been the exercise endorphins or something, but it wasn't feeling too bad so I finished my first lap and started my second. They started wearing off in the second lap though, and I had to hobble back up my driveway.... AHHHHHHHHHHHH! to the house and RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation) my ankle.

After 15 minutes of RICE, I had to get up and get to work on dinner. I went to the kitchen sink to wash my hands and flipped the faucet to on. sputter, sputter, SPUT! No water came out. I don't know why (call it mother's intuition) but the FIRST thing that flew through my mind was (HANNAH!!!!!!) Somehow in my spirit, I just knew this was her work. I checked under the kitchen sink to see if the tube to the faucet was crimped. Nope! Then I went to the mudroom to check if a breaker was tripped. Nope! I traveled to all the other faucets on the first floor to see if any of them had water. Nope! Finally, destination downstairs I checked the basement bathroom faucet. Nope! Just too investigate ALL options (even though I still suspected Hannah) I checked the well/septic tank meter thingy...green light is good. Nope! I called John and went to accuse the boys of messing with something outside. Nope! They hadn't done ANYTHING (well that remains to be seen, but they weren't the water culprits. They were just playing in the quickly disappearing snow).

John said he would finish up one thing at work and head home early. I left a message for the landlord and then got an idea. If this was a problem with the well, then the other two homes that share our well should be having water troubles too. So I hobbled up the hill to the first house, trying to baby my ankle but not having much luck as the bending of my knee brought misery too. No one was home. I continued on to the second house starting to huff and puff from the exertion of climbing this hilly terrain with an injury on each leg. They had water. So it wasn't the well.

All the way back to my house the thought, "Hannah did something. Hannah did something." kept echoing in my brain. I decided to take one more look. I went into the furnace room (which just so happened to have a burnt out light and I therefore could not see anything) and was drawn (in the dark) to this orange lever. Somehow I just felt like this might be the problem. However, keep in mind, I am NO plumber. I actually had no idea if this lever controlled gas, water, or even sewage. But something inside me said, "Turn it!" As I gently turned it, I heard something liquid starting to rush through the pipe. I quickly turned it back to the starting place. I sent Noah upstairs with instructions to try the kitchen faucet and then turned the lever again. Voila! We had water! The water main shut off is in the hallway outside my office (the furnace room). It is LITERALLY at Hannah's elbow level (about two feet off the ground). I am POSITIVE that while standing outside my office in the "Knock and wait for Momma to finish her work call" posture, she just got bored and decided to play with that lever. AHHHHHHHHH! Crisis number 2 solved.

Racing upstairs barking orders to don AWANA clothes and jackets, find AWANA books, and GET IN THE CAR, I also placed calls to John and the landlord informing them the problem had been solved. As I was heading for the door to get in the minivan, Noah came rushing in, "We forgot to put the seats back in the van!" The boys had cleaned the van on Monday, and now we were down the entire back row of seats because they forgot to put them back! With no time to wrestle that stupid seat (which is ANYTHING but easy to remove and reinstall) I instructed Noah to just ride in the front seat with the seat slightly reclined (Something I RARELY do.... I promise! Do NOT turn me in to the seat belt police!) We headed off for AWANA and that was when the realization hit me, "My life is like an episode of I Love Lucy!" However, my conveyor belt wasn't finished moving quickly yet.... There was still time in this episode for a cherry on top of the sundae.

I dropped the kids at AWANA (somehow in the chaos Hannah had left her book at home so now she was minus her missing vest AND minus her book). I hobbled back to the car and returned home to see how John was doing installing my new under-the-sink water filtration system which had arrived just today. Here it is.... here's the cherry: The system we received was damaged. It couldn't be installed. We'd have to go through a return/exchange process and wait for a new one to arrive. I collapsed into my chair... throbbing knee, aching ankle, tightening back and shoulder (when you're old falling has widespread effects which aren't always initially noticed) SCREAMING and sighed. "Well, tomorrow's a brand new day," I thought.

I woke up this morning itching to get this I Love Lucy blog live. I had NO idea what lesson I was going to spin this into. I just knew that I had suffered through that sitcom-like evening, and I was going to get some mileage out of it! About halfway through typing this, Noah (the first one awake today) came downstairs. Last night, he went to sleep watching Facing the Giants, and now he had something written down his arm (from shoulder to wrist). He proudly displayed his homemade tattoo and told me it was his new motto. "Never give up. Never back down. Never lose faith." That was my lesson! It's the lesson you are all supposed to learn from "watching" this episode of I Love Jami. NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER LOSE FAITH.

That's what I'm gonna do.

NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER LOSE FAITH.

Blog silence....

WOW! Last week hit me in the face like a ton of BRICKS! Sorry if you missed my ramblings here online, but I had a CRAZY week with NO time for blogging. Quickly, lessons I learned:

1. Snow makes EVERYONE crazy! It makes drivers crazy. It makes Mommas crazy. It makes EVERYONE lose their minds. Note to all: snow is just rain but a little colder!

2. Cassie Jastrow is ALREADY an amazing hair stylist. No joke! The girl's only been in stylist school (or whatever they call it these days) for about 5 months and she is AWESOME! Must be a natural, because she did a GREAT job! (Shameless plug for Cassie: You TOO can get your hair cut by her all day on Monday's at the Aveda Institute downtown.... just $15!)

3. A family of 7 makes A LOT of laundry in just 4 days of a broken wash machine. Especially when day 1 of said broken wash machine started with the Momma behind on laundry. AYE CARUMBA!

4. 40-year olds should NOT attempt to sleep on couches... or on floors for that matter.

5. A certain blog writer maybe should have listened more carefully to Momma made crazy by snow in order to avoid being snowed in down in Franklin and having to endure #4.

6. Things always seem to work their way out. No matter how crazy and undecipherable they seem... they always seem to just work their way through.... Very seldom ending in complete and utter destruction. (This thought should be recalled next time I am up to my eyeballs in elephant dung.)

7. Traveling up my driveway should NEVER... repeat NEVER be attempted when said driveway is snow covered.

8. Country peops are not THAT friendly. Sure they'll wave as they pass by but will any of them stop to help a woman struggling with and bloodying herself on a stalled snow blower.... not really.

9. I should NEVER, EVER again treat McDonald's in a disdainful manner. Not even counting the fact that a good portion of our livelihood comes from this establishment..... the number of times that place has been a godsend bringing peace to my insanely loud minivan... bestowing comfort to my weary ears.... and even bailing me out when I'm trapped at the bottom of my driveway, can't get into the house to feed the kids, and have to leave for AWANA in 20 minutes.... NEVER again shall I speak an ill word of ANY McDonald's ANYWHERE!

10. 15 homeschoolers hopped up on TONS of sugar make A LOT of noise.

11. 9 hours sleep after nearly 2 weeks of complete and total sleep deprivation can make a person feel BRAND NEW!

12. Old people can drive you a little crazy. No matter how much you love them, they can seriously push you to the edge sometimes.

13. Quite often all your hard work will not result in glory for you, but will yield great rewards for the next person in line. Think of this at two times: 1. when you're the person slaving away and seeing no real results.... take hope because someone, somewhere, sometime WILL reap the benefits of your hard work. 2. When you have great success, do NOT forget to look back and give some thanks to those who came before you and laid the seed that you are harvesting now.

14. EVERYONE needs a day of rest. Especially four exhausted little children who are now congested and sore throated from being dragged all-around the State of Wisconsin (from Green Bay to Franklin) this week and only spent 2 days in the past 7 in their own house..... and especially their exhausted parents who did all the dragging and put up with 4 crabby little urchins.

15. Some wounds run so deep that they take a VERY long time to heal. Be patient with yourself. Keep moving forward. Healing will come and a stopwatch should not be put on it.

So PHEW! A new week has begun, and I for one am GLAD! Although I see there is more snow in the forecast this week.... AYE CARUMBA!

The other side of the coin

I can't wait for this day to end. Stress has been my constant companion. There were several times today when I wanted to lose my Christian testimony or maybe just my mind, but it was you, my blog readers, who inspired me to keep plugging on. I kept on thinking, "I have to keep going so I can give them a good report."

Just yesterday, just YESTERDAY, I ended my blog:

Wherever you are this morning: at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

And right away today, I had to put my money where my mouth was and live that theory out. It was NOT so easy, but I am happy to say that so far, I've made it.

I awoke for the first time at 3 a.m. when a sleepwalking child invaded my bed, then again at 4 a.m. when a nightmare required some soothing to get a little princess back to sleep and finally at 5 a.m. when it was time to get up and get started with our day.

It wasn't looking good from the moment we pulled out of our garage door. It had snowed... not much, but it doesn't take much to make for treacherous roads out here in Dodge County. We prayed, slipped and struggled our way up Madison Road to Hwy 33, but by the time we reached 41, it was becoming quite evident that we would NOT be on time. We had to drop John at MU instead of going straight to my parents' house (today was one of our days to care for Gramma). After dropping him off safely, the children and Auntie Marge and I continued on our way to Oma and Poppa's house.

Once I walk in the door on the mornings I care for my Gramma, the mania seems to commence IMMEDIATELY. Everyone needs me at once. Four little children dragged from their beds a little too early for them have weathered the one-hour drive and are now awake enough to realize they are HUNGRY. Their noisy clammering tends to wake Gramma who needs a lot of attention first thing in the a.m.: blood sugar needs to be tested, blood pressure needs to be taken, meds need to be administered, breakfast must be made, etc... Somewhere in the middle of all that I attempted to get Hannah a glass of water, I was pushing the lever for the ice dispenser and I could hear something, but nothing was coming out. I thought, "Where in the WORLD is the ice?!?!?!?" I opened the freezer door and was met with the answer: LOUDLY and MESSILY several cups of ice poured out onto the floor answering my query. It was at that exact moment, that I realized I was having the complete opposite of "A beautiful morning...."

In the next few breaths as I swept up and tossed out the ice, I mulled over the choice before me: loose my temper and get frustrated with all this chaos or live out what I had blogged about the day before. A few moments later as I cleaned some dishes the following started pouring out of my soul (and my mouth): "I have decided to follow Jesus. I have decided to follow Jesus." It grew in my belly and was exploding out of me with fervor and emotion. "No turning back! No turning back!" I thought to myself, "From now on, every time that Satan throws these pathetic little darts at me in an attempt to steal my joy, ruin my acts of service, or even cause me to sin, I am going to fight back with THIS song!" I promised myself that I WOULD remember that he wouldn't be attacking me if I weren't doing some good for the kingdom. I purposed in my heart to "count it all joy" and praise Him at the top of my lungs whether it was sunny or stormy in my world.

I wish I could say the day instantly got better. It didn't. There was still a cantakerous 6-year old to deal with, a VERY messed up wireless network adapter in my way, worries about the bills I can still hardly pay, and the continual stress of constantly trying to do more than I should. As we traveled home in the car tonight, I was nearing tears. My exhaustion, the tensions of the day, abundant conflict all around me, threatened to overwhelm me. I sat there with wails building in the back of my throat and started just chanting in my head, "I won't give up. I won't give up." (It was SO very important to me to weather this day and be able to tell all of you I did.) When all of a sudden like an answer STRAIGHT from God, the sun broke through my clouds. K-Love started playing Sing, Sing, Sing by Chris Tomlin. I LOVE that song, and earlier in the day when I first arrived at my parents' house it had come on but I had to get out of the car and start the insanity so I couldn't listen to it. I started singing that song like my life depended on it. I was belting it out. I lifted my hands as I sung, "LIFT HIGH THE PRAISE OF JESUS!" And then I felt it.... the moment when my praise actually ushered in the peace of God.... I literally FELT it.... the children who had been bickering WAY too loudly quieted down and actually heard the song.... Even my Aunt stopped commenting on all she was seeing around her somehow transfixed by the presence of God which had entered the minivan..... I could feel Him all around me.... I could feel Him crowding in and bringing peace with Him.... My spirit settled down and my emotions followed suit. What followed was odd... K-Love seemed to being playing a playlist entitled Jami Lynn Kastner's favorites: Perfect People came on, then a few worship songs I LOVE and finally Free to be Me.... I got a 20 minute retreat into the presence of God and I was GREEDY for it! It refreshed me! It encouraged me! It strengthened me to go on!

Again I wish I could say it made everything better, but it didn't. We arrived home to more lunacy.... putting away all of the Wal-Mart stuff... unpacking the basket from Oma's house... a stack of bills a mile high in the mailbox... trying to get 4 VERY crabby and completely spent children into bed..... the discovery of a towel used to wipe up a milk spill that REALLY should have been washed before we left.... and then traipsing down to my office because I vowed I'd type this blog before bed only to have the cat step on the power strip and shut off my puter.....

But guess what y'all? I did it. It wasn't pretty. But I did it. I stood strong, and it was mostly because of all of you. Because I wanted to be able to say to you at the end of this day, "By the POWER OF GOD alone, I was able to stand strong." I wanted so badly to be able to give you all a good report afterwards. What a vast supply of accountability partners you all served as today! Thank you so much! I hope in return I could encourage you a little with this blog. Hang tight! Don't give up! Try using a little praise to usher in the breakthrough, peace, or just a tiny little oasis of rest from the struggle... but whatever you do remember this:

Wherever you are this morning (evening): at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

Peace out y'all! I am going TO BED! Praise Jesus! (I might have to get a little charismatic over that thought.) Hope you all have a great night and a blessed tomorrow.

A beautiful morning....

Hmmmm…. What started out as a bit of a chaotic morning (John took about 4 “alarms” to get out of bed, Jeremiah awoke at 6 a.m. because the cat jumped on his pillow, Hannah awoke too early and she was C-R-A-B-B-Y, my back was SPASMING and shooting pain all the way down my left leg), had turned around quite nicely thank you (John and I read the Bible and prayed before he left for work, Jeremiah and Hannah crashed on the couch watching TMNT because they both woke too early, Elijah and Auntie Marge were still asleep, and Noah was playing PS2 so I was blissfully in silence).

I was walking down the stairs to my office carrying my third cup of “nectar from God” (that’s coffee for those of you who don’t speak Jamiese) and I thought, “What a beautiful morning! What a peaceful way to start the day! I wish every day started like this.” And all of a sudden conviction hit me so hard my coffee literally sloshed over the edge of my cup and splashed on my foot…. Is God any less great on the mornings that start out anything BUT beautiful? OUCH! As the coffee seeped into my slipper that thought seeped into my soul…

When I awaken John late, and we are racing about getting him out the door, when Hannah won’t be consoled by adolescent turtles throwing great roundhouse kicks, when the cat doesn’t just jump on someone to wake them up but pukes on their comforter and all over their p.j.s, when I stumble down the stairs with a burnt cup of “nectar from God” rushing to my puter an hour late to see what awaits me in my work inbox…. Isn’t He the same God who deserves all my praise and worship?

I know it’s tough to “Praise him in the storm.” Trust me! I know! My life has had its share of storms, and I have not always weathered them gracefully. More often than I care to admit the torrents of rain have tossed me to my knees wailing and screaming, “Why? God! Why?” But God doesn’t change. He isn’t any different. Whether you are standing at the altar pledging your heart till “death do us part” or hunched over a coffin saying goodbye until we meet again…. whether you are rolling in the dough or scraping together $2.63 to put just one gallon of gas in your car and praying you'll make it to your destination.... whether you are healthy and well or sick and infirm... HE IS STILL GOD! He is still on the throne. He is still in control. He is still worthy of your praise and worship.

Let that seep into your slipper today. Mull it over and drink it in. Wherever you are this morning: at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

What's underneath?

I moved VERY slowly this past weekend. I had some nasty bug that settled in my chest and was REALLY tiring me out. My "to do" list was completed over the course of three separate days. It went kinda like this.

Friday: Somehow in spite of my exhaustion and illness, I was able to get the kitchen floors sparkling clean, did some laundry, and CLEANED the basement. I came upstairs from finishing the basement to find a HUGE spill on the sparkling clean floor. SERIOUSLY?!?!?! That wasn't even clean for an hour! Saturday: Cleaned my closet, bathroom, and bedroom, did some more laundry. Sunday: Cleaned the kids' bedrooms and did some more laundry. Then Sunday afternoon, I crawled into bed and really didn't get back out. By Monday morning the kids' rooms were TRASHED! The dishes overflowed in the sink. There was more laundry to be done. I was feeling so discouraged. I started lamenting my sorrows to John and here's what I came up with: When you have small children, the point of cleaning is not necessarily to have a sparkling, perfectly clean house. The point is to know that underneath the clutter and chaos there lies a floor that won't kill your child if they eat something off it. This calmed me down a little. Looking around things didn't look very orderly, but I did have the peace in my heart of knowing that underneath it all, that floor has been "mop & glo'd"... those counters have been sanitized.... the dust has been wiped from those shelves.... all mites, cat hair and other heebie jeebies have been vacuumed out of that carpet...

[Disclaimer: I wonder if I might lose y'all on this application. In some ways I feel like it's a stretch, but it's where God took me. Hope it ministers to someone.]

It's kinda like my life. On the outside it looks all clutter and chaos. I FLY from task to task. I'm homeschooling and working and cooking and cleaning and mentoring and loving and AHHHHHHHHHHH! This past year the STRESS has been laid on my shoulders, and I am not proud of some of the things which have come out. (In fact my latest shame is the dirty word that is Hannah's newest favorite word. Ugh! Guess who's lips she heard that one from?) But on the inside, underneath the stress of too many tasks to do, behind the worry of how we're going to pay the bills, beneath the shame of my falling short, guess what you'll find? Deep in the center of my heart, at the very core of my being, regardless of what the outside looks like, you will find a STRONG and FIRM faith in God. You will find the hope that 2010 will be a jubilee year for the Kastners to make 2009 pale pitifully in comparison. You will find the assurance that no matter what Satan throws at me I will stand....just stand. You will find a deep and abiding love for my Jesus. Isn't that what truly matters? Not whether the outside, visible things are perfectly in order, but the knowledge that on the inside all is right.

Have hope today. It is okay if your life doesn't look perfect on the outside. Those extra gray hairs you found this morning, the added jiggle you noticed on your backside, even the steam you blew off at the one you love the most.... Those aren't as important as what's on the inside. Get your inside cleaned up, and then no matter what craziness leaves it's stain on your exterior, you can rest in the peace that underneath it all is order.

But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

I Samuel 16:7

Worst day yet...

AHHHHHHHH! One of those literary agents wants to see my work!!!! I am FREAKING out! So excited and nervous all at the same time! Here's another recycled blog:


This was one of the worst days on record for the Kastner family. All of the following happened by 11:00 a.m.:

*I was upstairs finishing up my shower and Noah came running up and said, “Elijah’s in the refrigerator, and he has eggs!” I ran downstairs to find Elijah had been cracking eggs onto the carpet and them stomping them deep down into the fibers. I wanted to cry, but instead I cleaned up all the egg and eggshells and then used the spot cleaner on the carpet.

*A little later I was working at the computer, and I heard what I thought was the faucet in the bathroom running. I said, “Noah, I think you forgot to turn off the water in the bathroom.” He said, “No someone plugged the sink and left the water on and there’s a flood in the bathroom upstairs.” I got up and opened the door to the basement and saw water pouring out of the basement ceiling. So I ran upstairs to survey the bathroom. I found at least two inches of water on the bathroom floor, all of the drawers on the left-hand side of the sink were completely filled with water, and the carpet in the hall outside the bathroom was soaked up to about 12 inches from the bathroom door. I again wanted to cry, but instead I just got to work. I started using the shop vac to remove the water. I emptied all of the drawers: makeup was drenched, hair brushes were floating, hair dryers were completely submerged. In the process of cleaning up the bathroom, I slipped and fell into the tub running my already styled hair through the shower and getting it sopping wet. However, as this was not enough disaster for this family, the day continued as follows.

*I came downstairs from cleaning the mess up and watched Elijah throw an entire bowl of popcorn at Noah. By this point I had resigned myself to the madness and I just swept up the popcorn quietly.

At one point I was sitting in the corner drooling for a little bit. It was a very difficult day. I even googled “military preschools.” But alas, one must be in junior high before a military school will enroll you. I wanted to pull my hair out that’s for sure.

Thank goodness His grace is sufficient! I (and my children) used up a whole lotta His grace this day. That is all I have to say about that!

A word of encouragement from the past...

I submitted queries to 3 different literary agents today. I decided to then get started cleaning up some more of my manuscript. In doing that I stumbled upon this blog. It took my breath away because it is as if August of 2006 Jami is speaking DIRECTLY to July of 2009 Jami. For those of you who know the details of today's disappointment, I think it will take your breath away too. I hope it ministers to you, wherever you are at today as much as it ministered to me.


written on August 2, 2006...

You know people CONSTANTLY say to me, "I don't know how you do it Jami." They're referring to the fact that I have four children (who are beautiful and sweet, but AMAZINGLY "precocious"), I work 20 - 30 hours per week from my home (while watching said children), I coach the (amazing and incredibly talented) FHS cheerleaders, and I teach fitness classes. I always tell them that I just love my life, and I love to keep busy. The truth is I love everything in my life so much: my husband, my children, my cheerleaders, cheerleading itself, working out, that I'd rather work myself into the ground than give any of it up. However, the past two weeks or so, I myself have been thinking, "I don't know how you do it Jami."

I am so past exhausted! Having all four of the kiddos at home is just killing me. If I leave them upstairs so I can get in some work, they just get into trouble. A few weeks ago Noah used up all of my Victoria's Secret body spray. I asked him what he used it for, "knockout gas" was the answer. He was playing Splinter Cell and the sprays were his knockout gas. So while I really don't like to wish time away, I am ANXIOUSLY anticipating the beginning of school this year.

Not only that but summer is just SUCH a crazy time. I think we've had only two weekends this whole summer when we didn't have something planned: weddings, graduations, cheer camps, family reunions, class reunions, church picnics.....our summer has been FULL.

Add to it the fact that I have a newborn; however, in all honesty she is the LEAST of my problems. Hannah is SERIOUSLY and HONESTLY the best baby in the world. For the past three and a half weeks, she has been sleeping through the night. She sleeps about 10 hours EVERY night! She's an absolute dream. I figure though that with all the broken toilets, perfume used as knockout gas, bald spots cut in hair, and urinating in places that are NOT the toilet, I deserve at least one easy one right now. There are short skirts and midriff-baring tops that she will undoubtedly torture me with later, so I'm glorying in the angelic season of her life now. I digress....so the point of this is I'm barely making it.

I'm at the end of myself, but gratefully I'm finding that, as in all things, in the midst of my self-induced insanity, God's Grace is enough to see me through. Right now that is all that's getting me through. That and the knowledge that before I know it we'll be in the throes of fall. Summer's craziness will have given way to my FAVORITE season: it will be time for cool, crisp air, sweaters, trips to the apple orchard, new school outfits and lunchboxes, football games, and pumpkins....they are all on the horizon. So if I can just hold on a little longer. If I can just make it through the sweltering heat, a class and a family reunion, if I can just keep the boys from burning down the house, I will make it to the promised land - FALL.

Now I know this is getting kinda long, but I can't end without a plug for my amazing Lord and Savior...this is true of all of life. I know things get tough. Life can really suck at times. But if we can just make it through the heartbreaks of this life, through the broken marriages, Leukemia, financial hardships, and other tragedies, we will make it to the promised land – HEAVEN! Where we'll be done crying and hurting and wailing. There will be nothing but joy, peace, and praising our Lord and Savior.

So hang on if your life is tough. Mine is too right now. Take the time today to thank God for the joy in your life...there is always some joy, even if it's hard to find. Mine isn't hard to find at all...in spite of my troubles and strain I am filled to capacity with joyful things: John, Noah, Jeremiah, Elijah, Hannah, Amanda, Amber, Alex, my mom, my dad, Jodi, Cori, Seth, Shawn, Alyssa, Luke, Savana, Grammas Hilly and Haugh, Shannon, Christina, Tracey, Nicole, Angie, Danielle, Megan, Whitney, Marki, Kayla, Cassie, Brittany, Vicky, Carol, Theresa, everyone of my myspace friends, all of my former middle schoolers, my amazing church, my God-filled pastor, my Jesus, my Jesus, my Jesus. Then after you thank Him, just hang on through your troubles, because before we know it, this hard world will be behind us and we'll be walking the streets of gold, praising our Savior for all eternity.

What happens when you have too many irons in the fire...

I awoke this morning with the nagging sensation that I was forgetting something. I couldn't put my finger on it, so I just proceeded through my morning... start the coffee, load of laundry, intercede on behalf of others, start to work... OHMIGOSH! "Today is Hannah's eye doctor appointment, and I was supposed to take John to work so I could have the minivan!!!" That was only the beginning of a very stressful day. We ended up taking our first taxi ride ever. It wasn't too traumatic, in spite of the fact that the fare was double what I figured using the online rates. Moving along, we tried to sail through Hannah's eye doctor appointment, but just couldn't get out of that place without being handed eye patches Hannah has to wear for two hours every day. The surprises this day held left me drained and exhausted. They also left me thinking: I am so glad that none of this surprised God.

I often give thanks that my God and King is never taken aback. He is never sitting up there in Heaven wringing His hands thinking, "Oh no! How is this going to turn out?" Not only is He in control of my situation He has already provided a way out of it. The taxi cab was a way out for my forgetting to drive John to work. The eye patches are actually a way out of impending eye surgery. God is there when things get chaotic, and regardless of how I feel, He has provided some way out. It may not be my favorite option. It may not be what I wanted, but it is there, and it is a way out. I sure did not want to pay that much for a taxi, but I am very glad it was a way out of missing Hannah's appointment.

After a day of stress, fear, and disappointment, we made it to the fun part: a playdate at the park. I had a blast reconnecting with a former cheerleader, while our children made fast friends on the play equipment. I am so glad I made it through the hurdles of this day in one piece, and I am so glad that my God never has too many irons in the fire.

A little perspective....

I think Sunday's are going to become recycling days. I just can't seem to get an original writing posted on Sundays. They are too hectic! So here's another oldie but goodie. One of my favorites...

My three-year old Elijah is precocious to say the least. However, it is always interesting how a little bit of perspective brings his antics into focus and instantly wipes away any frustration I feel with him.

One night I returned home to learn that Elijah had dumped about a liter of Hawaiian Punch on my bedroom carpet. What I didn't know then was it would be only the beginning of a campaign of destruction which would last for the next two days.

The next morning, my father brought over the carpet cleaner so I could clean up the Hawaiian Punch spill. No sooner had I finished cleaning the large red spot and returned from dumping the dirty water out of the carpet cleaner, then I found he had snuck down into the kitchen, stole a jar of peanut butter out of the cupboard and smeared it all over the exact same spot where the Hawaiian Punch had been. Muttering under my breath, I went back for the carpet cleaner and repeated the carpet cleaning process.

Earlier in the day, he had found a can of shaving cream left over from when “vandals” toilet papered our house, and he coated our blanket chest with about an inch of shaving cream. When I went to discipline him for this, I found him searching for a rag to clean up the evidence. He was naked with shaving cream on one hand and one bare butt cheek, and he was wearing the bronze shoe Noah, my oldest, had made for me for Mother's Day on one foot. I could not do anything at the sight of him but laugh.

Just before dinner we left to run some errands, and all four of my children fell asleep in the car. Now for those of you who have children, you know what an incredible feat it is to get them all sleeping at the same time. I would rather have gnawed off my own arm then wake any of them by trying to remove them from the car. So I just came up with more errands to run which would not involve taking them out of the vehicle. My last stop was at my grandmother’s house. I ran in to give her some pictures, leaving all four children sound asleep in the van. I was inside about 3 ½ minutes. When I returned to the van, I found Elijah had woken up, and he was in the front seat messing with the radio. As I returned him to his seat, he said, "Look Momma." He had found a packet of BBQ sauce in the garbage can, opened it and poured the entire packet between the seats. I returned home feeling like I needed a vacation.

I have noticed this odd phenomenon that he seems to go on these destructive binges where he does a gob of horrendous things and then takes a break for a little bit to build up some steam for his next reign of terror. I was hoping with all of me that he was at least taking a break to gain more steam for the next time, because I wasn’t sure if I could take anymore.

Wednesday I tried so hard to not let him out of my sight. This is not an easy task when you have four children and three jobs. At naptime, I tried to no avail to get him to sleep. Finally, I gave up and then just minutes before we were supposed to leave for the grocery store, I found him collapsed and sound asleep on the floor in his room. I got a sitter so I wouldn't have to wake the little despot.

Then late that night came the event which put everything into perspective. It was 11:15 p.m., and I was sweeping the kitchen floor. I knew that since he had taken a late nap, Elijah was still awake in his room with his brother Noah, but what I did not know was that they had smuggled hard candy from their Daddy's birthday basket into their room. Noah came tearing down the stairs. He was crying and screaming, "Elijah's choking." I threw down the broom and bolted up the stairs two at a time.

When I got to their room, I found that Elijah was indeed choking. I thought I heard him gasp, but as I knelt down to him I found he was not breathing at all. As I pulled him into my arms to perform the Heimlich maneuver on him, I heard him start to cough. It was very surreal. I couldn't seem to get my mind around what CPR class had taught me. I knew that if he was moving air he was not truly choking so I should allow him to work the item out of his windpipe; however, even though he was breathing, he was struggling so hard on the piece of smuggled candy that was trapped in his throat. Noah was terrified. He was screaming and crying. I told him to go wake his daddy (mostly to remove him from the room). Just as he returned with a very sleepy daddy in tow, Elijah started vomiting. The light still was not on in their room, and by the glow of the TV, I thought I saw blood in what he was puking up. I thought, "Oh God....we better call 911." But as the light came on I realized it was only spit colored dark by the toffee candy which was causing all this ruckus. Then like a gift from heaven, I saw the piece of candy in the vomit I was holding in my hands.

I pulled Elijah into my arms and thanked God for all the trouble he would cause today and the next day and the next day. With tears in my eyes, I sang praises that there was still life in this little destroyer's body. I told Noah that he was the BEST big brother in the world, because he had saved his brother's life by running for help. I glanced over at my middle son sleeping in his bed through this entire incident. There I sat stinking of vomit and realizing that my world was right and perfect and amazing.

Even as I tell this story with tears streaming down my face from remembering it all, I realize nothing else matters: money troubles, lack of sleep, no time to myself, a house that is completely destroyed on a regular basis… none of it matters. I do not care if I go the rest of my life without ever having another restful vacation. I am blessed and lucky, and all I really want is many more years to hold these babies in my arms.

World War 3....

My kiddos have been at each other’s throats most of the morning. He spilled my juice! That wasn’t his juice it was Hannah’s! Give me back those drumsticks! As a mom, I just want the fighting to STOP! It breaks my heart and hurts my head. As a person, I see validity in the grievances listed by all sides. I understand that a little sister who CONSTANTLY turns the television off in the middle of your program can be irritating, but I equally understand that being choked by your brother can be a little grievous too. Both sides have valid points to argue, but (mostly because of my wicked headache) I just wish they could find a way to get along. On a more realistic level, I wish they would remember to just let ME solve their disputes. I find myself CONSTANTLY saying, “Do NOT take matters into your own hands!” I remind them that when Hannah does something to them if they come to me for help then only Hannah gets in trouble, but if they take matters into their own hands and deal with the matter themselves, then they will get into trouble too.
I bet God feels that way about us too. When he looks at all our warring and fighting and fussing and complaining, I bet He recognizes the validity of our grievances. He knows that it hurts to be lied to. He recognizes that being rejected does not feel good. He knows full well how hard it is to forgive someone over and over and over again for the same exact thing. He knows that it is irritating to have to relate to filthy rotten sinners who just cannot seem to stop sinning. But I bet He too dreams of a day when we will all just get along, and I know that He wants to say to us, “Do NOT take matters into your own hands!” He wants us to come to Him when someone sins against us. He wants us to refrain from retaliation. He wants us to let Him deliver the consequences.
When my kids were in public school here in Franklin, their teachers often said, “1-2-3 eyes on me!” to get control of the class that had dissolved into chatting or horseplay. I envision God saying the same to us. When we are bickering, gossiping, or even just obsessing about other people, I think He is standing there saying to us, "Get your eyes off of that and onto me." So the next time someone hurts you or sins against you in some way, instead of fighting back stop and listen, and see if you can hear it: “1-2-3 eyes on Me!”