Birthday blog....

On the occasion of my birthday I thought I would reflect on what I've learned over the past 12 months. It's been a rocky year... one that resembles some sort of boot camp experience... but I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I learned A LOT:

1. It is God who holds my heart in His hands. He is the only One who will never let me down, leave me, or betray me. Friends, family members, spouses... They disappoint, leave, betray, even die... But He NEVER will. NEVER!

2. It is very important to keep my focus forward; however, glancing backward to remember where I have been is VITAL when attempting not to repeat past mistakes.

3. You can't fix stupid. This may sound funny coming from a teacher; however I have come to see that I CANNOT change the inane rules my insurance company has... I CANNOT change a headstrong, mule-like person... I just CANNOT fight city hall.... Therefore, some battles are better left unfought.

4. Stress.... It's a killer! Stress will catch up with you. It doesn't matter how much I think I resemble Wonder Woman. It doesn't matter that I think I can handle it. Put your body through continual and constant stress, and eventually, the effects will begin to show.

5. His grace is ALWAYS sufficient. No matter what I FEEL like. No matter what I FEAR. No matter what the devil is whispering to me.... No matter that those aforementioned effects of stress are beginning to show... His grace is ALWAYS sufficient.

6. People are crazy and we live in strange times. (Have to admit I stole this one from my mom and her healthcare seminar).... it's so true... read it again... marinate on it... I think you'll agree.

7. One ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship. (Spanish Proverb) When push comes to shove.... When I am down on my luck... When I feel like I have no one else to turn to... My family is ALWAYS there for me and this I can ALWAYS take to the bank: my Momma loves me.

8. This thing called parenting... Heck this thing called marriage... it just ain't as easy as it looks. There are days when I want to throw the whole kit and caboodle out with the used dishwater, BUT... the benefits... should I choose not to throw in the towel... are well, well, WELL worth it.

9. I am sooooo glad that God chose these specific angels to be my babies. They may be daredevils.... Their heads have been known to spin around.... But they are sweet and smart and kind and polite.... They LOVE Jesus with all of them and THEY ARE MY BABIES! And I am GRATEFUL!

10. John Joseph Kastner is the bravest man I know. He is no saint, and he is not perfect. But he bravely faces down EVERY challenge that comes before him. He will fight to the DEATH for his family and especially his wife. He will never give up no matter how insurmountable the odds seem... no matter how scared he is... no matter what it might cost him. I am ever grateful that my God chose THIS man to complete me... for without him I would be NOTHING.

So there it is... another year older, and actually, I think this year (more than many others) I am actually another year wiser as well. It is NOT a year I wish to repeat EVER again, but it is definitely a year that brought me closer to God, my husband, my children, and my family. It was definitely a year that made me stronger. Hope I'm not too whimpy though if I ask just one thing as a "birthday wish"...

Dear God, Can I please have an easier year next?

Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

I trust you Lord

[disclaimer: I am NO poet.... TRUST ME I'm not! This is just my heart right now.... laid out bare and ugly]

I struggle to see what You're doing here

I do not understand

Yet I trust You Lord

The water is murky

The mist oh so thick

Yet I trust You Lord

The pain intensifies....

waves upon waves

Yet I trust You Lord

This night has been unending

The sun eludes me still

Yet I trust You Lord

Each "bottom" I thud against

Gives way, proving itself false

Yet I trust You Lord

My tears are my food

day & night

Yet I trust You Lord

What doesn't kill me...

makes me stronger

And I trust You Lord

Funny what we take for granted.....

I have been suffering through an AWFUL back episode this week. The other day when I awoke, just wiggling my leg brought tears to my eyes. This morning as I tried to tie my shoe, I thought, "Funny what we take for granted." Normal days I just bend at the waist and tie my shoe completely taking for granted the fact that my back just allowed me to bend in that manner. You know how I am. I let my mind wander, and I wondered. What else do I take for granted?

Last night as I drove home from Franklin I turned on K-Love. I didn't catch the whole story, but they were talking about some woman. She had a degenerative back condition which required surgery, she had lupus and one other illness I can't remember. I thought CRUD! She has a lot on her plate medically. This morning I woke up and besides this terrible back ache, I was healthy. "Funny what we take for granted."

A few weeks ago I read the story about a man from our church, Jason Mentink. He was just 25 years old. At the end of January he died playing a game of basketball. He left a young widow and two little girls. Last night I went to bed beside my husband, and this morning I kissed him goodbye as he left for work. "Funny what we take for granted."

Last year my sister attended back-to-back funerals for two victims of childhood cancer. Those Mommas watched their children battle cancer and lose. Then they had to put their babies' bodies in coffins and bury them in the ground, no longer squeezing their arms around their precious children and now left only with the hope of squeezing them in eternity. As I type this I can hear the pounding of my children's feet as they run down the basement stairs. Yesterday I followed them around my parents' house trying to keep them from destroying stuff. Today I will fight with them to get their chores done with a good attitude. "Funny what we take for granted."

In January, 48 Laotian Christians were forced from their homes at gunpoint. Some had belongings confiscated. Some had their homes destroyed. When they refused to renounce Christ, they were forced to leave their village. I blabber on and on at this website about my God, my faith, my beliefs... I freely go to church and worship WHENEVER I want. I openly teach my children to love Jesus. "Funny what we take for granted."

The earthquake in Haiti toppled thousands of homes, leaving so many without a roof over their head..... No shelter from the elements... No place to put their things.... No safety and security from criminals... Today I will mutter about cleaning up my house. I may get a little chilly and stroll over to the thermostat and punch it up a few degrees. I might get hungry and walk over and open my refrigerator to find something to eat. I will likely lie down next to Hannah after lunch and sneak in a little nap in my warm cozy bed. "Funny what we take for granted."

What are you taking for granted today? When you bend down to tie your shoe, thank God that you can. If you are not dead, thank God you are still alive. Even if you're ailing, thank God it isn't worse. Whether your husband is bringing you roses or leaving his dirty laundry on the floor, thank God you have him. When you catch your children just after they've colored on the wall, thank God they are healthy enough to do that. If you love Jesus and plan to go to church this Sunday to worship Him, thank God you can do so without fear of retaliation. If you have a roof over your head and food in your refrigerator, thank God for those provisions. And if you have NONE of these things, thank Jesus that He died to save you from your sins. You at least have that!

God bless and have a GREAT Saturday!

A bum thumb...

A few months ago, I hyper extended my thumb. I could tell it was not broken so I did not go to the doctor; however, time would tell that I had pretty badly damaged it even if I hadn't broken a bone. I lost much mobility and almost all strength in that thumb. I was unable to bend it very far. With time it started to heal from excruciating and constant pain to a dull ache to hardly hurting at all. However, still now, three months after the injury, it is not as strong as it was, and if I bump it or jam it in a certain direction, the pain returns in waves feeling nearly as bad as it did when I first hurt it.

I jammed it at the end of last week (and then several times over the weekend... seems when it rains it pours). As the pain rushed in I thought, "DARN! That thing is just NOT better!" Now for the past few days it has been sore again, and I've taken a few steps back in strength and mobility in that thumb.

This got me thinking... some of life's emotional hurts are like that. Some of the REALLY big things, the ones that are nearly our undoing, keep on hurting for a long time. You struggle through the pain and agony. You push through trying to rehabilitate. Then without warning an unexpected jolt comes from out of nowhere stabbing deeply into the partially healed wound. It might be a flippant comment, a familiar scent which evokes an unpleasant memory, a return to the "scene of the crime," or even a memory of a time before the "injury." Immediately, it feels like you are transported back to the first moment of betrayal, loss, heart break. The pain is so intense, and you feel discouraged by the realization that you have not quite healed yet. For days after, the pulsing of pain in that area of your life reminds you that there is still restoration to be done.

I discussed this connection recently with my dear friend Christina. In late June I received a middle of the night phone call from Christina. My gut fell when she told me, "My mom is dead." Christina is just 21 years old. Her mom was just a few years older than I. A motorcycle accident claimed her life. When I shared the thumb situation with her and then compared it to a major hurt in my life, she wholeheartedly agreed with my connection between the thumb and emotional pain. She admitted that sometimes a random occurrence will transport her right back to that night she first heard the news. Her heart will explode with the pain of the announcement. For days afterward she will feel sore again almost tender to the touch.

Here's the good news, it is not for nothing. I think these "reinjuries" are akin to emotional physical therapy. It is almost like it is necessary for you to "bump that thumb" to remind you how far you've come, to begin another phase of your healing, or maybe just so that you NEVER forget that sin, betrayal, loss, heart break. So that you never forget the lessons you learned from it.

Whatever occurrence this blog brought to your mind today... whether it is the loss of a loved one, betrayal from someone who should have never let you down, or disappointment so deep it feels bottomless... know these two things:

1. He is Jehovah Rophe, the God who heals. He will continue healing that fracture in your heart.
2. Feeling and remembering the pain does NOT mean you have not made any ground. So take a second to look back at that earthquake that hit your life. Do not shy away from it. Acknowledge how far you have come in your recovery, but allow yourself to grieve it some more so that you can take another step forward towards full and complete healing.