Day 1.... Garden

Today I decided to just take a look at my vegetable garden. I had given up on it a few weeks ago. See when I was planting my tomato plants back in May, I dug up an ant hill. Ever since then I have been warring with the ants for control of that tiny little plot of land. A few weeks ago with anthills everywhere and plants which looked like they hadn't grown a millimeter I threw in the towel. However, today out of morbid curiosity I took a little jaunt over there to check out what had become of my little guys. What I saw shocked me! Several of my tomato plants were blossoming! I could NOT believe my eyes! I got to work fighting a new battle, this time against the weeds and grass which were threatening to overtake my tiny little garden. Three hours, one aching back and more blisters then I can count later I had reclaimed about seventy-five percent of my garden and come away with a great analogy.

See this soul cleansing John and I have embarked on is a REALLY good idea. However, I couldn't miss the lesson from my neglected garden. Ignoring a garden for weeks and then trying to reclaim it is MUCH more back breaking then simply caring for it daily. A thorough soul cleansing is good for us, BUT if it is all the "tending" we do for our spirit it will be back breaking and gut wrenching. A cleanse of our spirits will be much easier to weather if it is coupled with daily caring for our soul.

However, even with daily care, our souls can get gunked up with the ick of this world. That's why John and I are on this soul cleanse. And today was a GREAT day! We stuck to all of the things we have resolved to do (and not do) today. We had decided yesterday to share with the children what we were doing but not force them to do any of it. We wanted them to make their own decision on the matter. It has been QUITE a blessing to observe the cleansing of their souls. When I asked Hannah what she wanted God to do this week, she answered, "Heal my Daddy's owie." This morning Noah showed he had really been pondering this concept when he showed me what he had written in his journal, that God would "make me a better man."

Our "Interim Church" turned out to be pretty cool. We weren't taken aback by the fact that our little posse of seven was about one-fifth of the congregation today. It was SMALL! While I still really LOVE LifeChurch, I had the oddest sensation that we just kinda "fit" at Marshview Ministries. Only God knows what is in store for us there, but for now it is a great place for the Kastners to worship closer to home. Two random thoughts from the sermon that I REALLY liked:

1. Elephants in the Sahara desert have ears that are sensitive enough to hear rain falling from miles away. I want to be that sensitive to the voice of God.

2. We need to hunger and thirst for righteousness like we HAVE to eat or drink or we will die!

I did have a brief moment today where I nearly lost my resolve (and my marbles). I was trying to make lunch and EVERY SINGLE person who lives in this house besides John was talking to me at the same time. Noah and Elijah were begging to play Xbox. Auntie Marge was chiding me for not letting her buy McDonalds for lunch cuz "that would have solved your problem of what to make for lunch." Jeremiah was repeatedly asking to watch a show. I started to go postal on everyone's butts, but then I remembered what I was supposed to be doing this week. I dropped my mayonnaise-covered knife and went to John and asked him to pray for me. Then with my spirit calmed, I returned to making sandwiches and listening to everyone clamor my name at the exact same time.

So Day 1 is nearly over.... I'm feeling pretty good about this thing we've embarked on. I'm also feeling this odd sneaking suspicion that God has already freed me from two of the things I am asking Him to bring me healing in. However, I don't want to jump the gun on proclaiming victory so I think I will simmer on it a little while. All I can say is I just feel DIFFERENT in my thoughts/fears/worries/even actions towards these two specific topics and if that is ALL I get from this week it will be so much more then enough.

Please pray for us after you read this. Tomorrow will be the true test if we can really clean our icky souls out... Taking a soul cleanse into the work week... I'll let you know how it goes!

Worship Wednesday: Power in Worship

Worship is such a powerful thing! Worship can encourage your soul, turn your day around, pick your chin up off the ground. The reason why is very similar to what I wrote about last week: Worship gets your eyes on God and OFF of all that is around you. When we focus on God, our circumstances fade away.... our problems are minimized.... worship fades out the screams of this world.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way

when sorrows like sea billows roll;

whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say

It is well, it is well with my soul.

So there you sit in the midst of a mess. Your bills are all past due. Your aging body is aching and sore. Your precious baby is infirm. Your marriage is a mess. Your job is about to make you stroke out. Your elderly mother is sick. You're lonely and sick of being alone. Your womb aches to be filled. You have PROBLEMS! No one is denying you have problems. With a grumpy look on your face (and firmly in your heart too), you reach out and turn on some praise music. The words start to flow over you:

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come

let this blest assurance control,

that Christ has regarded my helpless estate

and hath shed His own blood for my soul.

All of a sudden the bills, aches, illness start to fade away as that last line echoes in your soul: hath shed His own blood for my soul! You see his bloody body hanging on the cross and realize that His gift, His sacrifice is worthy of concentrating on. Your attention is drawn away from the ick all around you and you start to focus on Him.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It starts to dawn on you that YOUR SIN was nailed to the cross. YOUR SIN. You don't have to bear it anymore. Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul! As that sinks in, the stress, worry and fear start to fully break away. Gratefulness and thankfulness are revealed.

And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

the clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

even so, it is well with my soul.

Hope! Hope! Hope infuses your soul! There is HOPE! One day in the not too distant future, the trump shall resound! But until then, it is well with my soul.

Worship IS a very powerful thing. Just yesterday I text my dear friend Ros asking for prayer. "PRAY!" I told her, "We need prayer!" She replied in her wise way (wonder if she ever gets tired of reminding me of it), "Praise Him. It opens the doors to the Miraculous!" At the bare minimum, even if praise doesn't usher in the exact miracle you were hoping for, it adjusts your attitude and does a miracle there.

Real quick in closing..... here's a couple of quick Jami ideas for getting more worship (and power) into your life:

1. Let your house resound with worship! Why not have worship be the background music in your house? Is there anything more worthy? Spongebob? Eric Clapton? Cable news? There's nothing wrong with any of these things. BUT oh the power if as you walk around your house all day, your mind is called to worship instead of your attention being caught by Spongebob getting hooked on a fishing line. Would the whole climate of your house change if you caught your self singing along, "Lord reign in me" instead of "Layla... you've got me on my knees?" Don't you think it would make a difference if your were dwelling on the thought of kneeling at the throne of God instead of the latest plunge of the stock market?

2. Let your car resound with worship! I'm not in the car all that often. I like being a hermit/shut-in. But when I am in the car (especially if I'm stressed) I turn it to K-Love (our CD player doesn't work so well and CD's do NOT last long around Kastners). Why not use that time in the car to worship? Let your mind be drawn to Him.

3. Workout to worship music. I've been trying to get my butt back into shape, and I have been more successful because I've been viewing my workout time as some quiet time with God too. I pop in my ear buds and away I walk with praise music resounding in my ears.

4. Make worship a part of your quiet time. Plan to sing at least one worship song as a part of your daily quiet time. OR... maybe take one day per week and have your entire quiet time be worshiping God.

5. Family worship. Last year we were SO good at this. We have drifted away from it, and keep trying to get back to it. Once a week, we have a family worship service. Just us... (well in the past it sometimes included a friend or family member). We don't have a lot of musical talent, so we just turn on a worship CD. We sometimes use a power point with lyrics, but that's not really required. Sometimes we'd take communion as a family. But no matter what we PRAISE! We'd sing and dance and PRAISE OUR GOD!

Try to think of worship like water.... everyone could use a little more of it in their life. Have a great Worship Wednesday!

Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Worship Wednesday: Beauty in Worship

I have been blog stalking and seen some interesting things... Like blog themes for certain days of the week. I've seen Silent Sundays or Wordless Wednesday where bloggers just post a picture or pictures, no words, on that day. I like this idea, but I am nervous about stepping out and committing to blogging a certain thing on a certain day of the week every single week. Will I be able to keep up with it? What if I miss a week? What if I run out of material? BUT this one idea keeps coming back to me. I think it is a PERFECT place for me to start, because of my deep, desperate love for worship: Worship Wednesdays.

Today, this first Worship Wednesday I thought I would broach this topic: beauty in worship. I feel beautiful when I worship. I really do. Right now I am in a season of life where I do NOT like the way I look. I am heavier than I want to be. I have lost a SIGNIFICANT amount of hair from the stress of the past seven months. What is left of my hair is getting grayer and grayer with each passing day. Things are sagging that ought not to be sagging. Yet, when I worship, I feel beautiful. I really do. It is the one time that I feel STUNNING! And you know why? Because it is the one time that what I look like doesn't matter. It is the one time when my bulging abdomen and my graying hair fade into the background, and the spotlight is shone where it belongs ALL the time: on Jesus. It is the one time what matters is what's pouring out of my heart and streaming up to the Father's throne. All that matters then is loving Him and loving Him is ALWAYS beautiful. It is stunning. It is breathtaking.

The past few times I've worshipped this feeling has been overwhelming me, and nagging there in the background is this lesson. I've kinda been ignoring it a little. I know its application would be life-altering, but I am scared I will fail at applying it. So I side-step it and refuse to "look it in the eye." But now here it is for all of you, my audience of accountability, to read: If I were to SLOW DOWN and worship Him with every breath, every minute of every day, I would have less time to feel gross about myself. I would have more time to feel beautiful.

What an amazing world this would be if we judged ourselves upon the beauty of our soul! Can you think of a more worthy thing to measure our self-worth upon? If we woke up every morning and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking, "Ugh! There's another wrinkle." We looked up to Heaven and said, "Ah! There's my Savior!" If instead of stepping on the scale and groaning, "Bah! It's more than yesterday!" We stepped into His presence and shouted, "Yes! I love you more than I did yesterday!"

See I think this is the secret this dense old lady is missing: I feel beautiful when I worship because I'm no longer focusing on me. I am focusing on Him. And he is BEAUTIFUL! He is STUNNING! He is BREATHTAKING! When I focus on Him I can't help but be covered with, wrapped in, saturated by His beauty, and I, in turn, feel beautiful!

So will you join me today? Be beautiful! Give me just 4 minutes of your time. Stop and really listen to and hear the words of the song that has been playing in the background while you've read this. [Sing, sing, sing and make music with the Heavens] Focus in and worship with THOSE words. [When we shout Your praise lift high the name of Jesus] Let the beauty of Christ... let the beauty of worship, surround you. [What's not to love about you? Heaven and earth adore you.] Lift your hands if you feel like it. Close your eyes if it helps. Look at Jesus and let the ick of this life, the ick of your sinful self fade away. [You are the love that frees us. You are the love that leads us.] I promise you that four minutes will make a difference. God bless you and give you a GREAT Worship Wednesday! [Son of God You are the One, You are the One, we're living for!]

The other side of the coin

I can't wait for this day to end. Stress has been my constant companion. There were several times today when I wanted to lose my Christian testimony or maybe just my mind, but it was you, my blog readers, who inspired me to keep plugging on. I kept on thinking, "I have to keep going so I can give them a good report."

Just yesterday, just YESTERDAY, I ended my blog:

Wherever you are this morning: at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

And right away today, I had to put my money where my mouth was and live that theory out. It was NOT so easy, but I am happy to say that so far, I've made it.

I awoke for the first time at 3 a.m. when a sleepwalking child invaded my bed, then again at 4 a.m. when a nightmare required some soothing to get a little princess back to sleep and finally at 5 a.m. when it was time to get up and get started with our day.

It wasn't looking good from the moment we pulled out of our garage door. It had snowed... not much, but it doesn't take much to make for treacherous roads out here in Dodge County. We prayed, slipped and struggled our way up Madison Road to Hwy 33, but by the time we reached 41, it was becoming quite evident that we would NOT be on time. We had to drop John at MU instead of going straight to my parents' house (today was one of our days to care for Gramma). After dropping him off safely, the children and Auntie Marge and I continued on our way to Oma and Poppa's house.

Once I walk in the door on the mornings I care for my Gramma, the mania seems to commence IMMEDIATELY. Everyone needs me at once. Four little children dragged from their beds a little too early for them have weathered the one-hour drive and are now awake enough to realize they are HUNGRY. Their noisy clammering tends to wake Gramma who needs a lot of attention first thing in the a.m.: blood sugar needs to be tested, blood pressure needs to be taken, meds need to be administered, breakfast must be made, etc... Somewhere in the middle of all that I attempted to get Hannah a glass of water, I was pushing the lever for the ice dispenser and I could hear something, but nothing was coming out. I thought, "Where in the WORLD is the ice?!?!?!?" I opened the freezer door and was met with the answer: LOUDLY and MESSILY several cups of ice poured out onto the floor answering my query. It was at that exact moment, that I realized I was having the complete opposite of "A beautiful morning...."

In the next few breaths as I swept up and tossed out the ice, I mulled over the choice before me: loose my temper and get frustrated with all this chaos or live out what I had blogged about the day before. A few moments later as I cleaned some dishes the following started pouring out of my soul (and my mouth): "I have decided to follow Jesus. I have decided to follow Jesus." It grew in my belly and was exploding out of me with fervor and emotion. "No turning back! No turning back!" I thought to myself, "From now on, every time that Satan throws these pathetic little darts at me in an attempt to steal my joy, ruin my acts of service, or even cause me to sin, I am going to fight back with THIS song!" I promised myself that I WOULD remember that he wouldn't be attacking me if I weren't doing some good for the kingdom. I purposed in my heart to "count it all joy" and praise Him at the top of my lungs whether it was sunny or stormy in my world.

I wish I could say the day instantly got better. It didn't. There was still a cantakerous 6-year old to deal with, a VERY messed up wireless network adapter in my way, worries about the bills I can still hardly pay, and the continual stress of constantly trying to do more than I should. As we traveled home in the car tonight, I was nearing tears. My exhaustion, the tensions of the day, abundant conflict all around me, threatened to overwhelm me. I sat there with wails building in the back of my throat and started just chanting in my head, "I won't give up. I won't give up." (It was SO very important to me to weather this day and be able to tell all of you I did.) When all of a sudden like an answer STRAIGHT from God, the sun broke through my clouds. K-Love started playing Sing, Sing, Sing by Chris Tomlin. I LOVE that song, and earlier in the day when I first arrived at my parents' house it had come on but I had to get out of the car and start the insanity so I couldn't listen to it. I started singing that song like my life depended on it. I was belting it out. I lifted my hands as I sung, "LIFT HIGH THE PRAISE OF JESUS!" And then I felt it.... the moment when my praise actually ushered in the peace of God.... I literally FELT it.... the children who had been bickering WAY too loudly quieted down and actually heard the song.... Even my Aunt stopped commenting on all she was seeing around her somehow transfixed by the presence of God which had entered the minivan..... I could feel Him all around me.... I could feel Him crowding in and bringing peace with Him.... My spirit settled down and my emotions followed suit. What followed was odd... K-Love seemed to being playing a playlist entitled Jami Lynn Kastner's favorites: Perfect People came on, then a few worship songs I LOVE and finally Free to be Me.... I got a 20 minute retreat into the presence of God and I was GREEDY for it! It refreshed me! It encouraged me! It strengthened me to go on!

Again I wish I could say it made everything better, but it didn't. We arrived home to more lunacy.... putting away all of the Wal-Mart stuff... unpacking the basket from Oma's house... a stack of bills a mile high in the mailbox... trying to get 4 VERY crabby and completely spent children into bed..... the discovery of a towel used to wipe up a milk spill that REALLY should have been washed before we left.... and then traipsing down to my office because I vowed I'd type this blog before bed only to have the cat step on the power strip and shut off my puter.....

But guess what y'all? I did it. It wasn't pretty. But I did it. I stood strong, and it was mostly because of all of you. Because I wanted to be able to say to you at the end of this day, "By the POWER OF GOD alone, I was able to stand strong." I wanted so badly to be able to give you all a good report afterwards. What a vast supply of accountability partners you all served as today! Thank you so much! I hope in return I could encourage you a little with this blog. Hang tight! Don't give up! Try using a little praise to usher in the breakthrough, peace, or just a tiny little oasis of rest from the struggle... but whatever you do remember this:

Wherever you are this morning (evening): at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

Peace out y'all! I am going TO BED! Praise Jesus! (I might have to get a little charismatic over that thought.) Hope you all have a great night and a blessed tomorrow.

A beautiful morning....

Hmmmm…. What started out as a bit of a chaotic morning (John took about 4 “alarms” to get out of bed, Jeremiah awoke at 6 a.m. because the cat jumped on his pillow, Hannah awoke too early and she was C-R-A-B-B-Y, my back was SPASMING and shooting pain all the way down my left leg), had turned around quite nicely thank you (John and I read the Bible and prayed before he left for work, Jeremiah and Hannah crashed on the couch watching TMNT because they both woke too early, Elijah and Auntie Marge were still asleep, and Noah was playing PS2 so I was blissfully in silence).

I was walking down the stairs to my office carrying my third cup of “nectar from God” (that’s coffee for those of you who don’t speak Jamiese) and I thought, “What a beautiful morning! What a peaceful way to start the day! I wish every day started like this.” And all of a sudden conviction hit me so hard my coffee literally sloshed over the edge of my cup and splashed on my foot…. Is God any less great on the mornings that start out anything BUT beautiful? OUCH! As the coffee seeped into my slipper that thought seeped into my soul…

When I awaken John late, and we are racing about getting him out the door, when Hannah won’t be consoled by adolescent turtles throwing great roundhouse kicks, when the cat doesn’t just jump on someone to wake them up but pukes on their comforter and all over their p.j.s, when I stumble down the stairs with a burnt cup of “nectar from God” rushing to my puter an hour late to see what awaits me in my work inbox…. Isn’t He the same God who deserves all my praise and worship?

I know it’s tough to “Praise him in the storm.” Trust me! I know! My life has had its share of storms, and I have not always weathered them gracefully. More often than I care to admit the torrents of rain have tossed me to my knees wailing and screaming, “Why? God! Why?” But God doesn’t change. He isn’t any different. Whether you are standing at the altar pledging your heart till “death do us part” or hunched over a coffin saying goodbye until we meet again…. whether you are rolling in the dough or scraping together $2.63 to put just one gallon of gas in your car and praying you'll make it to your destination.... whether you are healthy and well or sick and infirm... HE IS STILL GOD! He is still on the throne. He is still in control. He is still worthy of your praise and worship.

Let that seep into your slipper today. Mull it over and drink it in. Wherever you are this morning: at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

Cast down your idols....

This song…I just can’t get away from it. It haunts my thoughts and pierces my conscience. Here’s the line that was after me today: Oh Lord we cast down our idols… It got me thinking about idols. I think sometimes we think of idols as just things we are worshipping: career, romance, money, etc… But I think idols are more than that. Idols are anything we can’t cast down in the name of Jesus. Things like: worry, fear, anger, gluttony. Lately my biggest idol is righteous indignation. I have at least three situations in my life right now where I have been wronged. I have been sinned against… quite obviously sinned against. In these situations, anger is a logical response. Feeling pain over being hurt is logical as well. But hanging on to my indignation, struggling to let go of the hurt and pain because I feel righteously angry that these things happened, well that is not right. Then I’ve made that thing an idol. I’ve elevated it to a status where it is exempt from being cast down before God, and that my friend should signal some serious warning bells!

Guess what? Today on my way home from the dentist, it did! All of a sudden my heart felt as if it had been punched. I started crying: Oh Lord we cast down our idols…. Over and over again…. Oh Lord we cast down our idols…. Oh Lord we cast down our idols…. I replayed that part of the track so many times my children were begging for mercy. The hard part is that knowing we have an idol and wanting to cast it down before God is only the beginning. Satan doesn’t want us to cast down our idols. Satan doesn’t want us to bow our hearts… bend our knees… Satan does NOT want us to be humble. He wants us to pridefully cling to those things we are idolizing. So he is going to throw a lot of fiery darts our way. He will remind us of that idol. He will taunt us with that idol. He will torment us with that idol. It will be gut wrenching and grueling to get that thing out of us.

Think of a wisdom tooth whose roots are crooked and twisted and even wrapped TIGHTLY around each other and fused with the bone. A dentist will need all his strength and all his dental knowledge to get that thing extracted. That’s what we have to do with our idols. We have to muster all our strength to root out that worry. We have to gather all our spiritual knowledge to extricate that fear. We have to work hard to extinguish that righteous indignation. I believe that God will help us in this endeavor; however, I also believe when we give power to something evil, when we allow an idol to have center stage in our hearts, then we are going to have to combine some good old fashioned elbow grease with God’s grace in order to cast that bad boy DOWN!

So whatever your idol is today, why don't you try to cast it down? I know I'm going to. It won’t be easy. We'll need to be strong. We will need God’s grace and all our strength and every bit of spiritual wisdom we have ever gained, but close your eyes with me and sing these words with ALL your heart:

We bow our hearts

We bend our knees

Oh Spirit come make us humble

We turn our eyes

From evil things

Oh Lord we cast down our idols

Clean Hands/Pure Hearts

Give us clean hands
Give us pure hearts....

I COMPLETELY and TOTALLY forgot about AWANA yesterday. I mean I knew it was Wednesday. I knew AWANA was on Wednesdays. But we started school yesterday and I worked and I took care of John. My s-i-l had brought dinner for us so I warmed that and then set to work straightening the house and doing the dishes when my phone signaled a notification at 6:15 p.m. "AWANA - Faith Bible Alliance" it read. WHAT!?!?!?! That was in 15 minutes!!!

AHHHH! I started shouting out commands and racing around the house. No one was dressed. Elijah was SOUND asleep. I started throwing children into clothing and grabbing Bibles and AWANA uniforms. I quickly threw together a dinner plate for Elijah and dressed him in his sleep. I loaded everyone in the minivan and arrived at the church at 6:40 p.m.! I was pretty darn proud of myself. I was notified of AWANA at 6:15 p.m. and I gathered everyone and everything and got to the church (a 15 minute trip) in just 25 minutes TOTAL!

After depositing my precious cargo at the church and racing back home to make sure my patient was okay, I turned right back around to return to the church. This second trip was made at a much more leisurely pace, and as I drove I poured out my heart in worship to my King. I haven't had much time lately to even pee by myself much less to worship tearfully at the feet of my Savior. For about 2 1/2 months, I have been RACING around from task to task, shooting up quick prayers of desperation in between: packing and unpacking boxes, working way too many hours, shuttling my husband from appointment to appointment. Moments of quiet solitude, heart-rending worship, meaningful quiet time, these have all become a thing of the past for me.

So as I drove south on Hwy 67, I sang along to this song in complete isolation.... tears streaming down my face, heart ripping in two: give us clean hands.... give us pure hearts... let us not lift our souls to another... I've sung the words a thousand times. I know them deep in my bones, yet they hit me in a new way last night. I realized that I usually have clean hands. I'm not trying to be boastful, but I am someone who has been a Christian for well over 25 years now. I know the drill. I have the routine down. I typically do a fairly decent job of keeping my hands clean. I know how to keep my temper in check. I am fairly decent at holding my tongue and biting back inappropriate words or angry retorts. I can usually keep my hands pretty clean. However, a pure heart.... that is a TOTALLY different thing. I realized that while my hands typically stay pretty clean, my heart is ANYTHING but pure. When I am wronged, I am decent at giving a godly response, but inside I am seething with anger. When I am angry, I can usually hold back my vicious words, but in my head, I let them fly with wild abandon.

This summer the heat has been turned up SIGNIFICANTLY under Jami Lynn Kastner.... a move, overtime hours, finishing up homeschooling, the purchase of a lemon vehicle, bills unpaid, needs unfulfilled, sleep missed, friendships lost, trust betrayed... these are just a few of the things that had me at the breaking point by mid-August. Then just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, just when I thought I was at the end of myself toss in a brain surgery which would put my husband out of work without pay for a month or more.

Guess what happened??? That impure heart.... those icky thoughts I had been storing up in my brain.... when the heat was turned up, most of them came POURING out. I started cussing like a sailor. I have really never been a cusser before. Having been schooled in Christian Education (where cussing is punishable by suspension) for 12 years and then teaching in Christian Education (where I felt compelled to be CONSTANTLY on guard to be a good witness) for 6 years, I really never even thought cuss words very much, and I NEVER gave free reign to my tongue in that area. Yet this summer, as the pressure mounted, as the pain increased, as the tension rose, the impurity of my heart flowed freely out of my mouth. My anger consumed me. Depression enveloped me. Sin was the result of the ickiness I had been hiding behind my clean hands and inside my impure heart.

As I drove down the street last night it hit me hard: clean hands are NOWHERE NEAR good enough... that's only part of the equation. A PURE HEART! That is the second half. Having clean hands without a pure heart is like peanut butter without the jelly. It's like Hall without Oats. It is piety without purity.

As I cried out to God last night, I sang those words like NEVER before: give us clean hands.... GIVE US PURE HEARTS!!!! That's my prayer today... that my heart will be pure too. Whether I am skipping down a flower lined path of prosperity and beauty or clawing my way up a rocky ledge out of a deep and dark valley, I want my heart to be pure. I want to take this thing called Jami's Walk with God to a new level. A level where the outside calm and cleanliness is a good representation of what is going on in the inside. A place where I have clean hands AND a pure heart.

Press through... Press through... Press through....

I love to worship. It is something I do when I am folding laundry, driving down the street, even taking a shower too. It is my favorite part of going to church. I love to sing praises to my Savior. Lately I have been having a VERY hard time worshiping during church. The reasons why are many and varied, but yesterday the root cause started coming together in my head: Satan does not want me to offer praise to my God.

Now I am not one to see a boogey man around every corner (okay maybe I am a little bit), but I believe strongly that the devil is a real presence and that his one goal is to destroy me. This belief is proven by scripture: Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. (I Peter 5:8) Yesterday as all the distractions assaulted me, I realized this is Satan attacking me. As I let that thought roll around in my brain, I realized that Satan’s attacks to my worship begins LONG before I even walk through the doors of our church.

I know you’ve noticed it. Haven’t you? Sunday mornings can be SO stressful: a lost shoe, alarm that didn’t go off, misplaced Bible. One time I even got a speeding ticket on the way to church! Before you know it, you are arguing with your spouse, shouting at your child and not at all in the right frame of mind to go worship your Creator. We have noticed this phenomenom. In order combat it, the second we get in the car to drive to church we start to pray. We pray for our hearts to be softened and for our spirits to be drawn to the things of God. We also pray for other families on their way to church that peace might reign in their homes, their cars, and their hearts. This has really helped to calm the discord, but Satan doesn’t give up that easily.

If somehow I make it to church and into the sanctuary with my desire to praise still intact, Satan seems to step up the attack in order to get my eyes off of God. Sometimes the distractions come from wrong notes being sung, improperly advancing slides, or other technical difficulties. But yesterday, my biggest source of distraction was my beautiful children. I was standing there trying so hard to press through the distractions all around me, and my kids were hanging on me, hugging me, even racing about the sanctuary. This is the moment at which I realized what a sneaky, snake the devil is. Here he was using my favorite thing on this earth, my babies, to distract me from worshipping my God. I calmly directed my children to praise or sit quietly still returned to lifting my hands and praising my Lord. I could hear one though echoing through my brain, “Press through…. Press through… Press through….”

Sometimes it is not easy to praise God, follow God, hear from God, but we have to press through. We have to press through the distractions of children interrupting our worship, dirty dishes calling us to step away from our study of the Bible, and sinful tendencies calling us to turn away from our God. We have to press through!

No matter how big the distraction, I hope today you’ll hear this thought echoing through your brain, “Press through… Press through…. Press through…” And next week Sunday when you wake up, before you even put your feet on the ground, remember: For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12). Then purpose in your heart to say, "Get thee behind me Satan!" every time a distraction comes your way. So that in the end you can stand, focused on your Savior, and singing the praises He is due.