Worship Wednesday: Hear my Cry

[disclaimer: I did not mean to go all reggae on you this morning, but this little snippet was the ONLY version I could find on playlist.com but I figure it is kinda a nice taste of Jamaica for those of us who are stuck in 12 degree WI]

Wowzer! The past 48-hours has been a whirlwind. Christina and I have decided that we should contact Webster's and ask them to add the following definition:

Jami (noun): a 24-hour period in which more catastrophic and minorly irritating events happen to you than happen to most people in an entire year.  Car accident, forgotten lunch, trip to the ER, and cat peed all over the comforter, what a Jami yesterday was!

It started when I received some heart breaking news about a dear loved one of mine. (names and details withheld to protect the innocent who didn't sign on to be a part of my blog)

Hear my cry, Oh Lord 

Next came some GREAT news... but it was hugely momentous as well and not without a great deal of stress. (same as above regarding details)

Attend unto my prayer

Then began the truly sketchy part... Awoke to a text from my mom:  Dad's taking me toWaukesha Memoria ER... heart... will text details.


From the ends of the earth, will I cry out to Thee


The entire day was FILLED with stress:
*snoblowed the driveway TWICE because John's neck flare up didn't allow him to do it; propane truck STILL couldn't get up the driveway; had to PAY THE SNOWPLOW GUY to plow driveway even though I sweated and labored and slipped my way through snowblowing it... TWICE!
*got ALL the way through the grocery store AND CHECKOUT only to find I had left my checkbook at home
*as I raced home to get the checkbook I didn't get over into a lane fast enough for some jerk behind me... he decided to just LAY on his horn until I moved... by that point I was ready to go POSTAL on someone.
*Mom was kept in the hospital overnight and scheduled for a 6 a.m. heart catherization.

And when my heart is overwhelmed
Lead me to the ROCK
That is higher than I

I have often wondered how people get through tough stuff without God.  I mean I can hardly get through it with Him!  I'm so glad I don't have to know.

Well my Jami is behind me (hopefully)... Today peace and calm has settled about my house. Gma spent the night last night so my dad could stay at the hospital with my mom. All four kiddos are still sleeping. John got off to work on time.  I'm on my second cup of coffee.  And BEST of all, I just got a text from my dad, Great news.  All arteries virtually unchanged from ten years ago.  Sending her back to room. We may be out by noon or so.

Thank you Jesus for being my Rock.  I could NOT do this thing called life without you.

I'm alive! REALLY! I am!!!!

I did NOT fall off the face of the earth!  I promise!  I'm still here.  "Well then, Jami, where have you been???"  Well, it's been one of "those" months for the Kastners.

1.  I was SICK (and actually am AGAIN now!)  I got a cold and it lingered for three weeks before this stubborn, hard-headed, martyr mom, FINALLY went to the doctor.  It took nearly the whole ten days of antibiotics to feel better.  Now, I am coming down with something else.  Before my inbox gets flooded with suggestions as to how to improve my immune system and demands that I see the doctor in case I have something wrong with me, I KNOW what is wrong with me:  immune system horribly compromised by severe sleep deprivation.  I'm working on it!  I promise!  Hannah's just going through the growing pains of giving up a nap, but yet she's not TOTALLY ready to give it up... Of course this means increased sleep deprivation for the mom.  In the middle of cold/flu season, that is a LETHAL combination for my immune system.

Lesson learned:  Playing the martyr typically does not end well.  Trying to tough it out can sometimes be good (like if you're a professional football player getting paid a zillion dollars to tough it out through an injury).... but if you're a mom toughing it out with sickness typically just gets you further and further behind the eight ball.  I STILL have not caught up on the laundry, the dishes have been one load behind for a month, and I am CONSTANTLY feeling tired.  But God is SOOO good.  Not only does He teach us a lesson:  "Jami, do NOT put your health last ALL the time or the whole family will suffer."  But He gives us a follow-up pop quiz:  "Here's another little cold.  Will you chose to take it easy or will you prove that you NEVER learn your lesson?"  (I'm taking a nap in 33 min!  I learned MY lesson!)

2.  This past month, we had a WEEK filled with terror and death.  Here's how it went down:

Thursday, October 14th.... I was only on day 2 of antibiotics... I had actually called in sick to my work-at-home job (that's only happened maybe 4 times in the past 11 years)... I was in bed and awoke to find I had missed several calls from my sister.  When I finally called her back, she asked me some nutty question about John working and then hung up on me.  I was half asleep, sick and VERY confused.  I called her back several times and when she finally answered she asked me to meet her at Hartford Hospital because Luke was being sent to Children's in Flight for Life with a brain injury.  The adrenaline PULSED through my body.  I flew outta bed.  I raced around looking for clothes while barking orders to the kids:  "Get dressed!  We're leaving!  NOW!"  It was one of the scariest things I can recall going through... Luke fell from a tree and ended up with a severe concussion, because Hartford Hospital doesn't handle pediatric head trauma he had to go to Children's in Flight for Life... scary, scary, SCARY.... but he is FINE!  Struggling through recovering from a concussion but it could have been SO MUCH WORSE.

While all this was going on I was in communication with Christina about what had happened to Luke.  At some point, she informed me that she had just found out her father had died.  (I don't know if you all recall, but Christina lost her mother tragically in 2009... now she is 22 and an orphan.)

While we were still reeling from Luke's injury and trying to arrange plans for me to be at Christina's Dad's funeral, we learned that John's childhood best friend had passed away.  While they had lost touch a little in recent years, this was a TRAGIC loss for John.  He had been friends with Ron Kloeden since he was 5 years old.  Every childhood memory John has includes Ron Kloeden.  Ron was the best man in our wedding.  It was VERY difficult for John.

That week was the toughest we've had since brain surgery.  But as in all things, we persevered with His support.

Lesson learned:  Life is SO fleeting.  You just NEVER know what is around the corner.  Live life to the fullest.  Cherish every moment.  Cling to those you love and don't let ONE MOMENT pass without telling them how you feel.  [Oh and one more side lesson from this:  my crazy, loud, occasionally-invasive family is THE BEST!  As I stood there in the ER waiting room at Children's looking around at my sister who raced over from work, my Gma sitting in the wheelchair, Mom and Dad trying hard to be strong but terrified for their baby and their grandbaby, my husband who called in to his second job to support us all, and my sister the STRONGEST woman I know handling yet ANOTHER life-threatening crisis with her baby boy.... I reazlied... I have the GREATEST family in the whole entire world.]

Sooooo am I back?  idk... I will try... but I have had to prioritize to get through this past month and blogging has been pushed WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to the bottom of my priority list.  So never fear... I am still here... but I may be a little quiet right now because now that I'm kinda on the upswing from crazy, zany October, I can see THE HOLIDAYS on the horizon and WAH!  that's NOT going to ease my load!

Take care everyone!

God's billboard.....

So yesterday I spent some time skimming through my blog entries and adding labels to them in order to encourage people to read more parts of my blog. As I read I started to feel a deepening sense of shame settle upon me. Ugh! Our life as chronicled in my blog reads like a never-ending story of destitution! I started to feel embarrassment and shame creep in. Maybe I shouldn't be telling everyone all this. It is so HUMILIATING! I felt a quiet whisper to my soul, "I have a purpose. This is not for nothing." Without fully getting the "purpose" I plodded on finishing up my labeling and moving on to another task.

Later I was sharing this with Christina. I said to her, "I guess my faith must just be REALLY weak because it keeps on being tested." She responded with words that comforted my soul, but more than that, I believe they were a word directly from God. She said, "No.... Your faith is really STRONG. People around you need to have their faith strengthened and God knows you are strong enough to do that for us." I pondered that a little and tucked it away.

Finally, the third piece of the puzzle came to me during Family Worship. We were singing the song Undignified by the David Crowder Band. We got to this part:

And I'll become

Even more undignified than this

Some may say

It's foolishness

And I'll become

Even more undignified than this

Leave my pride

By my side

and it HIT me! HARD! Maybe God is calling me to lay my shame and humiliation out there for everyone to see so that they can ALSO see His power and greatness revealed through it, and if that is the CASE!!!!! I'll become even more undignified than this!!! I completely WILL leave my pride by my side! This stinks! It is humiliating! I'd much prefer to be living with creature comforts... bills paid on time... vehicles that WORK! but if just ONE person sees Jesus through my humiliation, then BRING IT ON! Let me be debased! Let me be humbled! Let me be poorer then poor for I am being used by God.

This morning God revealed more to me: John and I are a billboard for God. He is using us to broadcast His power because he found us to be strong enough to take it and to have big enough mouths to blab about even the embarrassing parts of our struggles!

Here's what happened this morning..... If you've been keeping up on my blog, you know that our minivan is in the shop. The original estimate was $600. A preliminary report (which we thought was their "final answer") was that the repair would only cost $118.92; however, not too long after, we were told that was only the figure for the FIRST thing they were trying to fix the problem. We have been CLINGING to hope and REFUSING to let the devil make us worry since TUESDAY. Yet still NO answer from the repair shop.

Yesterday John's Buick started having some troubles. We prayed HARD, but this morning he called me at about 9 a.m. and said he could NOT get the car into gear. Trying not to panic at the thought of being completely without a car, I called my parents who are out of town for the weekend (and by my count would have at least two if not three unused cars sitting in front of their house right now). Dad said, "Go get the truck." So I started making plans to figure out how to pick up the truck, while John called the repair shop to see if they could tell him what the problem might be with the Buick.

I went in and rallied the troops. Told them that we needed to pray for a miracle. The kids sat up rubbing sleep out of their eyes and immediately bowed their heads. After we prayed for a miracle, I returned to the kitchen and started texting my "prayer warriors." Before I could even FINISH the text, John was calling back. When he called to ask about the Buick, he was told the minivan was READY. While the guy didn't have the exact total, he remembered it was less than $130!!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!! I didn't even have time to ask my friends to PRAY for a miracle before I received it!

Over and over and over again over the past few weeks God has been speaking to me, "If God is for us who can be against us?" That is what I want to speak to you today. For those of you who need a miracle RIGHT now, please listen closely and read this part carefully: He already has your miracle PREPARED! Just because you don't see it yet, doesn't mean it isn't coming!!! Do you believe that He is on your side???? Then what does it matter what you face??? You have a BIG HUGE GOD on your side! Doesn't matter what the devil has on his side. It can't compare to what you have.

Let's imagine that Elijah and a bunch of 7 year olds are going to play basketball. Let's say that standing among the 7-year olds waiting to be picked for a team is Shaquille O'Neal. Elijah is a team captain, and he gets first pick. He, OF COURSE, picks Shaq. Does it matter who the other kid picks for his team???? Does it matter if he takes ALL the 7 year olds available???? Elijah has SHAQUILLE O'NEAL on his team!!!! The game is OVER before it begins!

That is what you have. Does it matter if the other side scores a few points? Does it matter if they win a few battles??? You have GOD on your side!!! We ALL know that NO ONE can beat God so Satan can have his trivial little victories for in the end.... GOD WINS!

I hope this installment of the Kastner's destitution turns into a MIRACULOUS victory for God has encouraged you. I know it encouraged me... and Christina... and Rosalind...

Reflecting on twelve years of marriage....

As of yesterday, John and I have been married for twelve years. We had a GLORIOUS weekend away from EVERYTHING. We shipped the kids off (THANK YOU Shawn & Jodi) and farmed Auntie Marge out (THANKS Mom & Dad), and we just hung out in solitude at our place for the whole weekend. It was marvelous! The highlight of our weekend was dream shopping at Home Depot… (hee hee hee)

But on this first day of the thirteenth year of our marriage, I thought I would do a little more reflection. Here are a few things that this weekend (and thirteen years) have taught me...

1. John Joseph Kastner is an amazing, enigmatic, hard working, funny, adorable, incredible, dedicated man. I just REALLY love this man. I love being with him. I love talking to him. I love everything about him. You know I’m sure after twelve years one or two of his flaws have presented themselves, but I have learned two things about loving my spouse: (1) Everyone in this world has positive and negative characteristics…. EVERYONE (2) It is MY CHOICE to highlight his attributes or emphasize his weaknesses… MY satisfaction level depends upon which choice I make. I work my hardest every day to CHOOSE to highlight John's positives while helping him work through his negatives....

2. Marriage is HARD! Anyone who tells you otherwise is either a newlywed or is lying. Taking two individuals and melding them into one cohesive unit takes WORK! It does not come naturally. Crucifying your own desires on a daily basis is not inherent, it is a learned trait. Even after twelve years, marriage takes work. I don't believe that will ever change. I believe marriage is a lifelong assignment. If you think you have completed that assignment and you and your spouse are still alive, well then you have some more thinking to do.

3. Marriage is worth fighting for. As difficult as it can be to meld two people into one unit, the benefits reaped from doing so FAR surpass the effort required. Having someone with whom to weather all the storms of life is an amazing blessing. Having someone who just "gets" you with hardly any explanation on your part is invaluable. Having someone who is always, always, always there for you is a gift that is worth fighting your butt off for. So don't be discouraged by point number 2, instead be ENCOURAGED, marriage may be a difficult, but it is definitely worthwhile.

4. A marriage can withstand ANYTHING if the people in it are stubbornly headstrong to this one purpose: marriage is FOREVER! One of the best things my parents EVER did for me was to show me that no matter what their relationship weathered, they were going to stick together. They taught me marriage was going to be hard, but exiting marriage was not an option. Trust me, John and I are both stubborn and headstrong so I think we've got this one in the bag.

5. Everyone in this world can benefit from a little downtime. Sometimes John and I do not realize the superhuman load we are attempting to carry: He works a full time job and a part-time job. I work a part-time job, homeschool four children, and care for my elderly aunt. Neither of us gets much sleep. Neither of us has much of a social life. We rarely go out on dates. We have never once been on a family vacation. We live life at a frenzied pace. We have always just adapted to this craziness out of necessity, but this weekend I realized how very, very, very nice downtime (and sleep) can be.

Well I guess that's about all I have time for (it's not all I learned, but Blogger stymied my efforts all day by way of a broken link that kept prohibiting me from posting this). I guess my closing is more of a dedication than a wrap up:

Happy anniversary John Kastner... I love you with all of me. Thank you for loving me when I'm unlovable. Thank you for believing in me no matter what. Thank you for being my biggest fan and my best critic. I can't wait to see what the next decade or two brings.

Pray without ceasing....

My life has been so stressful lately! Many have expressed concern over the blogs I've been posting. I guess that's the downside to bare naked honesty. Too much is never enough. I try sometimes to keep a few of MY details out, in order to make my writing applicable to more people, but then I seem to muddy the water and arouse suspicion. Idk...

Just this week I told John, my gut was getting sketchy and was telling me to run away from my life as a lesson for awhile, like I did this past summer when the heat was turned up too high. He encouraged me to take a different route this time. Wisely advising, that possibly by standing through the heat God would reveal even more to me.

So here I stand. My yuck displayed (or at least mostly displayed) for all to see. I've really been going through it lately. I can't EXACTLY finger when this most recent plunge into the depths began, but it has been a rough start to 2010, a year I had hoped would be MARKEDLY better than its predecessor 2009, a year which will go down in infamy as the year that nearly destroyed Jami Lynn Kastner.

Since the middle of January, I have been helping the rest of my family to care for my elderly grandmother. This is a labor of love for all of us; however, even when laboring for love you can get depleted. All of us are playing different roles in this play entitled Keep Gma out of a Nursing Home as Long as Humanly Possible. For me it involves traveling to Franklin (a 1-hour drive one way) twice per week and working and homeschooling from my parents' house while caring for Gma. I also prepare dinner (most of the time) for my entire family on those days and try to keep Hannah from destroying my mother's things (not very successful at that one). Caring for Gma is not THAT bad in the grand scheme of things. Her care involves mostly gently cajoling her to do the things she needs to do: teeth brushing, hair brushing and ensuring her meds are taken and vitals are recorded. I do prepare her meals (but big WUP I was doing that for four little ones anyways.... what's adding in one more mouth to prep food for). Most things she is still capable of doing herself. Also, this labor is not without its perks. I am compensated monetarily. We are fed from my parents' pantry two days a week. They have cable, a fact the children RELISH. However, it is still exhausting to take the Crazy Kastner Show on the road two times per week.

Add into the insanity the fact that our washer broke about a month ago. So for that long I have been dragging the laundry of a family of seven to and from Franklin with us twice per week. Again.... there is ALWAYS a silver lining.... my Gma and Auntie Marge fold all my clothes while we are at my parents, but still it is EXCRUCIATING to have this big of a family and have no washer. We are VERY close to hopefully having enough money to replace the beast, but until we do.... on I plod dragging my dirty (and then clean) clothes to and from Mom & Dad's.... being a burden to my parents electric bill and depleting their laundry supplies... and remaining incapable of instantly cleaning up any childlike emergencies (puke, HUGE milk spills which become VERY stinky when stored for 3 or 4 days, other things to delicate for the senses to be posted here).

Oh and that brings up the next little stress to my system. My Great Aunt (also elderly and now incapable of living independently) moved in with us at the beginning of February. In many ways, this is not so bad. She pays us room & board (which is a HUGE help). She LOVES and ADORES the kids and frequently occupies them (especially Hannah who could definitely use 24-hour observation to keep her out of trouble). However, it is still a shock to our system to have a new person in our house. She does require assistance and care, which is a little hard but I keep telling her (because she feels bad and that she is a burden to an already stressed out woman) she changed my diapers when I was a baby... I can do my part and get her a cup of coffee or remind her to take her meds. It is, however, quite "interesting" living with someone who has spent the past five years basically being a hermit. She has REALLY toned down the continual talking about inconsequential things; however, she still reads me EVERY SINGLE street sign we pass when we are in the car. It's like I have a living breathing GPS system sitting next to me. That means that four times a week for one hour each time I have to hear,

"Madison Road. Turning onto Madison Road."

"Hwy 33. We're at Hwy 33."

"Washington County. We're in Washington County now."

"Hwy 41. That's how we get to Milwaukee. Hwy 41."

"Germantown. Already in Germantown."

ALL THE WAY TO AND FROM Franklin! It is interesting to say the least.

The typical Kastner stresses have been heating up too.... John's neck/shoulder muscles have been revolting lately. They seem to get tighter by the day. The other night he walked into the bedroom, and his shoulders were nearly touching his earlobes. The pain and tightness tends to make him a "little" crabby to the point that I'm about ready to make a bed for him on the front porch and start sliding his meals through the screen door. And lack of money... ahhhh lack of money my constant companion..... we are now just $106 away from paying off our van yet last month we had to scrape and struggle to come up with a HUGE amount of back payments to ensure we were allowed to keep the dilapadated beast we just about own. I cannot remember the last time I was able to go to the grocery store and just BUY the things we need. This week I promised the kids that the second I had the full amount budgeted for groceries they could each pick their favorite meal and that week we'd have "Favorites Week" for dinners. They are so sick of having no "snackies" in the house, but yet they still don't tire of pancakes for dinner. PLEASE!!!! No one tell them that this is because pancakes cost just pennies per serving and make a VERY economical dinner. They think I am spoiling them!

Finally, add into this recipe for a breakdown: stress with my work, still adjusting to living in a new community, my oldest entering the "tween" stage and acquiring a rare, but oh so lovely, teenage type attitude, rolling my stinking ankle every time I try to get a little "me-time" by working out, a bum back cuz I'm old & out of shape, my face breaking out like a teenager, having a husband I rarely see cuz he works two jobs, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF!

I've been begging God for answers, solutions, coping strategies, and as always, He "gives generously to all without finding fault" (from James 1:5) I have been getting some answers, and here's the first one.

pray continually; I Thessalonians 5:17

That's the entire verse. I swear it is. If you don't believe me, look it up! It doesn't say, "Pray when you're in trouble." It isn't, "Pray when good things happen." It isn't even, "Pray morning, noon and night." I think that I Thessalonians 5:17 may be the most poignant verse in the whole Bible.... "pray continually;" (emphasis mine)

I looked up continually. Here's what I found:

1 : continuing indefinitely in time without interruption

2 : recurring in steady usually rapid succession

Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession.... Is that how you pray??? I guess I'll have to examine that idea to arrive at my answer to that question.

At first I guess I thought that God was saying to me, "Pray some more, Jami." But the more I looked at it, the more I came to a different conclusion.

If my directive from God's Word is to pray "Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession...." I guess I would have to look at EVERYTHING I do as part of my prayer. I stopped to think: Is my life lived as a prayer to God? Are my words formed as a prayer to God? When I'm talking to my children? Is it language worthy of being before the throne of God? When I'm working? Is it work worthy of being before the throne of God? When I am relaxing? Is it in a manner worthy of being before the throne of God?

This concept is rocking my world. [Quick Sidenote: I absolutely LOVE and ADORE the way God takes a concept we know... one we have known since Sunday School.... one we memorized in AWANA.... one we heard about in Youth Group.... even one we clung to in previous dark days.... and REVOLUTIONIZES its meaning to us so we understand and KNOW it more deeply more completely... the same yet completely different.] This morning it came to fullness in my heart. It had been kinda lurking around in the shadows of busyness for several days and today it stepped out into the light and made itself FULLY known.

pray continually;

So that's the first coping strategy God is giving me.... turn my life into a prayer to Him.... make every word I say.... every action I execute.... a PRAYER TO HIM.... make my inner thoughts and the aroma of my attitude a PRAYER TO HIM.... be CONTINUALLY (Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession....) in prayer.

That's my challenge to you today too....

pray continually;

I've got tons more that God is teaching me through all of this, but today's blog is long enough. You'll have to wait until tomorrow for more. So until tomorrow...

pray continually;

The other side of the coin

I can't wait for this day to end. Stress has been my constant companion. There were several times today when I wanted to lose my Christian testimony or maybe just my mind, but it was you, my blog readers, who inspired me to keep plugging on. I kept on thinking, "I have to keep going so I can give them a good report."

Just yesterday, just YESTERDAY, I ended my blog:

Wherever you are this morning: at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

And right away today, I had to put my money where my mouth was and live that theory out. It was NOT so easy, but I am happy to say that so far, I've made it.

I awoke for the first time at 3 a.m. when a sleepwalking child invaded my bed, then again at 4 a.m. when a nightmare required some soothing to get a little princess back to sleep and finally at 5 a.m. when it was time to get up and get started with our day.

It wasn't looking good from the moment we pulled out of our garage door. It had snowed... not much, but it doesn't take much to make for treacherous roads out here in Dodge County. We prayed, slipped and struggled our way up Madison Road to Hwy 33, but by the time we reached 41, it was becoming quite evident that we would NOT be on time. We had to drop John at MU instead of going straight to my parents' house (today was one of our days to care for Gramma). After dropping him off safely, the children and Auntie Marge and I continued on our way to Oma and Poppa's house.

Once I walk in the door on the mornings I care for my Gramma, the mania seems to commence IMMEDIATELY. Everyone needs me at once. Four little children dragged from their beds a little too early for them have weathered the one-hour drive and are now awake enough to realize they are HUNGRY. Their noisy clammering tends to wake Gramma who needs a lot of attention first thing in the a.m.: blood sugar needs to be tested, blood pressure needs to be taken, meds need to be administered, breakfast must be made, etc... Somewhere in the middle of all that I attempted to get Hannah a glass of water, I was pushing the lever for the ice dispenser and I could hear something, but nothing was coming out. I thought, "Where in the WORLD is the ice?!?!?!?" I opened the freezer door and was met with the answer: LOUDLY and MESSILY several cups of ice poured out onto the floor answering my query. It was at that exact moment, that I realized I was having the complete opposite of "A beautiful morning...."

In the next few breaths as I swept up and tossed out the ice, I mulled over the choice before me: loose my temper and get frustrated with all this chaos or live out what I had blogged about the day before. A few moments later as I cleaned some dishes the following started pouring out of my soul (and my mouth): "I have decided to follow Jesus. I have decided to follow Jesus." It grew in my belly and was exploding out of me with fervor and emotion. "No turning back! No turning back!" I thought to myself, "From now on, every time that Satan throws these pathetic little darts at me in an attempt to steal my joy, ruin my acts of service, or even cause me to sin, I am going to fight back with THIS song!" I promised myself that I WOULD remember that he wouldn't be attacking me if I weren't doing some good for the kingdom. I purposed in my heart to "count it all joy" and praise Him at the top of my lungs whether it was sunny or stormy in my world.

I wish I could say the day instantly got better. It didn't. There was still a cantakerous 6-year old to deal with, a VERY messed up wireless network adapter in my way, worries about the bills I can still hardly pay, and the continual stress of constantly trying to do more than I should. As we traveled home in the car tonight, I was nearing tears. My exhaustion, the tensions of the day, abundant conflict all around me, threatened to overwhelm me. I sat there with wails building in the back of my throat and started just chanting in my head, "I won't give up. I won't give up." (It was SO very important to me to weather this day and be able to tell all of you I did.) When all of a sudden like an answer STRAIGHT from God, the sun broke through my clouds. K-Love started playing Sing, Sing, Sing by Chris Tomlin. I LOVE that song, and earlier in the day when I first arrived at my parents' house it had come on but I had to get out of the car and start the insanity so I couldn't listen to it. I started singing that song like my life depended on it. I was belting it out. I lifted my hands as I sung, "LIFT HIGH THE PRAISE OF JESUS!" And then I felt it.... the moment when my praise actually ushered in the peace of God.... I literally FELT it.... the children who had been bickering WAY too loudly quieted down and actually heard the song.... Even my Aunt stopped commenting on all she was seeing around her somehow transfixed by the presence of God which had entered the minivan..... I could feel Him all around me.... I could feel Him crowding in and bringing peace with Him.... My spirit settled down and my emotions followed suit. What followed was odd... K-Love seemed to being playing a playlist entitled Jami Lynn Kastner's favorites: Perfect People came on, then a few worship songs I LOVE and finally Free to be Me.... I got a 20 minute retreat into the presence of God and I was GREEDY for it! It refreshed me! It encouraged me! It strengthened me to go on!

Again I wish I could say it made everything better, but it didn't. We arrived home to more lunacy.... putting away all of the Wal-Mart stuff... unpacking the basket from Oma's house... a stack of bills a mile high in the mailbox... trying to get 4 VERY crabby and completely spent children into bed..... the discovery of a towel used to wipe up a milk spill that REALLY should have been washed before we left.... and then traipsing down to my office because I vowed I'd type this blog before bed only to have the cat step on the power strip and shut off my puter.....

But guess what y'all? I did it. It wasn't pretty. But I did it. I stood strong, and it was mostly because of all of you. Because I wanted to be able to say to you at the end of this day, "By the POWER OF GOD alone, I was able to stand strong." I wanted so badly to be able to give you all a good report afterwards. What a vast supply of accountability partners you all served as today! Thank you so much! I hope in return I could encourage you a little with this blog. Hang tight! Don't give up! Try using a little praise to usher in the breakthrough, peace, or just a tiny little oasis of rest from the struggle... but whatever you do remember this:

Wherever you are this morning (evening): at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

Peace out y'all! I am going TO BED! Praise Jesus! (I might have to get a little charismatic over that thought.) Hope you all have a great night and a blessed tomorrow.

An open Thank You to all of our Christmas Angels

This Christmas, the one which closed out the most difficult year in the history of the Kastner family, was the best Christmas we have EVER had. Thanks entirely to the generosity of God's Christmas Angels, the Kastner children had a better Christmas then they have ever had before.

As Christmas approached, John and I started to realize that we might not be able to give the children any Christmas gifts this year. God was so generously providing for our needs during this time; however, we weren't sure presents would qualify as a need. So many had given us generous gifts, and we were sure God would get us through the rest of this trial with food in our bellies and a roof over our heads; however, we did not at all anticipate the "cherry on top of the sundae" He would provide. We gently began to prepare the children for this reality. Jeremiah so wise beyond his years said, "That's okay mom. I have everything I need in this wonderful family."

But then in a gesture designed solely to show us how much He loves us. In a totally unnecessary and purely lavish act, God impressed upon Christmas Angels to bless us. First from New Mexico arrived the presents Santa "accidentally delivered" to the wrong place. Then the cafeteria ladies from John's building sent home a ridiculous amount of loot for the children. Finally, we were contacted by our church and told a family from the community would like to provide presents for our Christmas. And of course there were the typical GOBS of presents the children are always blessed with from Oma, Poppa, and Riri. We were blessed beyond measure with an AMAZING Christmas. While I am eternally grateful for the smiles on the faces of our children and the joy in their hearts over all the Christmas presents they received, it is for the intangible, everlasting gifts that I am most grateful. Our children learned lessons of generosity and kindness that I do not think they will ever forget. Through the gifts of our Christmas Angels, our children learned that God doesn't just care for their needs He cares for their wants too. Through the gifts of our Christmas Angels, our children were inspired, and they are already saving some of their allowance for next Christmas so they can bless a family just like we were blessed.

John and I were humbled to the point of tears over the charitable gifts we were given this Christmas (and actually since the beginning of this ordeal), but it is not for the tangible things that I am finding myself most grateful. I am finding myself most grateful that my children know, I mean REALLY know, that God will always provide for them. That they have learned to depend on Him and Him alone for all their needs. That they have learned to be humble and generous and to always look for ways to bless others. Truly this brain surgery, this entire year.... what Satan had crafted to be the destruction of this family and our faith has become our greatest triumph. We are stronger than we were at the beginning of 2009 and we will NEVER let go of the faith that got us through all of this.

Thank you to ALL of our Angels (Christmas, Fall, rent, and food Angels). We are truly blessed because of you.

Thankful Blog Part 4 - My Family

I have the most amazing family in the world! We aren't perfect, and trust me we have got our CRAZY, but my family is loyal and true and faithful to a fault. No matter what, my family will support me... through the good and the bad... through the ugly and the pretty...

I am thankful for my mom. Everything I ever learned about how to love my children I got from my mom. She loves her children MADLY. She cherishes each and everyone of us dearly. My mother would literally give her heart if one of us needed a transplant. She is the most generous person. Most of all I am thankful that my mom loves Jesus. I am thankful that she made it a priority to give me a godly foundation for my life.

I am thankful for my dad. He was just a child when I was born... a mere 18 years old. And he did the best thing he could ever do for me; he loved my mom, he stayed married to my mom. I am thankful my dad was willing to work hard to provide a good life for us children. Again most of all I am thankful my dad loves Jesus.

I am thankful for my sister Jodi. I am thankful for her CONTINUAL and CONSTANT prayer support. I am grateful that in the middle of her husband being laid off she is worried about how she can minister to me in my time of need. I am grateful that no matter what whether she agrees with me or not she will love me and defend my right to believe what I believe and choose what I choose.

(Okay Riri... Here it is...your turn in the spotlight!)

I am thankful for my sister Cori. She is generous to a fault. She will give me or my children (or any of her family or friends) her last dime in order to make us smile. She has got my back! If someone hurts me or betrays me, that girl is RABID and straining at her leash waiting to ATTACK and rain vengenance on their head. She is funny. No matter what she can make me laugh. She does not judge me. I can always be exactly who I am with her and I know she won't judge me or offer unsolicited advice. She'll just listen and love. Finally, I am thankful for how much she loves my babies. So much in fact that some of them ask me frequently if they can go live with her.

I am thankful for my wonderful brother Seth who is the BEST uncle in the world to my children. I am thankful for my gramma, the matriarch of this wonderful, crazy family. She is supportive and amazing, and she folds some mean sock. I have an amazing Aunt and SUPER cousins.

I am blessed with the most amazing family and I am thankful for them this Thanksgiving.