I'm alive! REALLY! I am!!!!

I did NOT fall off the face of the earth!  I promise!  I'm still here.  "Well then, Jami, where have you been???"  Well, it's been one of "those" months for the Kastners.

1.  I was SICK (and actually am AGAIN now!)  I got a cold and it lingered for three weeks before this stubborn, hard-headed, martyr mom, FINALLY went to the doctor.  It took nearly the whole ten days of antibiotics to feel better.  Now, I am coming down with something else.  Before my inbox gets flooded with suggestions as to how to improve my immune system and demands that I see the doctor in case I have something wrong with me, I KNOW what is wrong with me:  immune system horribly compromised by severe sleep deprivation.  I'm working on it!  I promise!  Hannah's just going through the growing pains of giving up a nap, but yet she's not TOTALLY ready to give it up... Of course this means increased sleep deprivation for the mom.  In the middle of cold/flu season, that is a LETHAL combination for my immune system.

Lesson learned:  Playing the martyr typically does not end well.  Trying to tough it out can sometimes be good (like if you're a professional football player getting paid a zillion dollars to tough it out through an injury).... but if you're a mom toughing it out with sickness typically just gets you further and further behind the eight ball.  I STILL have not caught up on the laundry, the dishes have been one load behind for a month, and I am CONSTANTLY feeling tired.  But God is SOOO good.  Not only does He teach us a lesson:  "Jami, do NOT put your health last ALL the time or the whole family will suffer."  But He gives us a follow-up pop quiz:  "Here's another little cold.  Will you chose to take it easy or will you prove that you NEVER learn your lesson?"  (I'm taking a nap in 33 min!  I learned MY lesson!)

2.  This past month, we had a WEEK filled with terror and death.  Here's how it went down:

Thursday, October 14th.... I was only on day 2 of antibiotics... I had actually called in sick to my work-at-home job (that's only happened maybe 4 times in the past 11 years)... I was in bed and awoke to find I had missed several calls from my sister.  When I finally called her back, she asked me some nutty question about John working and then hung up on me.  I was half asleep, sick and VERY confused.  I called her back several times and when she finally answered she asked me to meet her at Hartford Hospital because Luke was being sent to Children's in Flight for Life with a brain injury.  The adrenaline PULSED through my body.  I flew outta bed.  I raced around looking for clothes while barking orders to the kids:  "Get dressed!  We're leaving!  NOW!"  It was one of the scariest things I can recall going through... Luke fell from a tree and ended up with a severe concussion, because Hartford Hospital doesn't handle pediatric head trauma he had to go to Children's in Flight for Life... scary, scary, SCARY.... but he is FINE!  Struggling through recovering from a concussion but it could have been SO MUCH WORSE.

While all this was going on I was in communication with Christina about what had happened to Luke.  At some point, she informed me that she had just found out her father had died.  (I don't know if you all recall, but Christina lost her mother tragically in 2009... now she is 22 and an orphan.)

While we were still reeling from Luke's injury and trying to arrange plans for me to be at Christina's Dad's funeral, we learned that John's childhood best friend had passed away.  While they had lost touch a little in recent years, this was a TRAGIC loss for John.  He had been friends with Ron Kloeden since he was 5 years old.  Every childhood memory John has includes Ron Kloeden.  Ron was the best man in our wedding.  It was VERY difficult for John.

That week was the toughest we've had since brain surgery.  But as in all things, we persevered with His support.

Lesson learned:  Life is SO fleeting.  You just NEVER know what is around the corner.  Live life to the fullest.  Cherish every moment.  Cling to those you love and don't let ONE MOMENT pass without telling them how you feel.  [Oh and one more side lesson from this:  my crazy, loud, occasionally-invasive family is THE BEST!  As I stood there in the ER waiting room at Children's looking around at my sister who raced over from work, my Gma sitting in the wheelchair, Mom and Dad trying hard to be strong but terrified for their baby and their grandbaby, my husband who called in to his second job to support us all, and my sister the STRONGEST woman I know handling yet ANOTHER life-threatening crisis with her baby boy.... I reazlied... I have the GREATEST family in the whole entire world.]

Sooooo am I back?  idk... I will try... but I have had to prioritize to get through this past month and blogging has been pushed WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to the bottom of my priority list.  So never fear... I am still here... but I may be a little quiet right now because now that I'm kinda on the upswing from crazy, zany October, I can see THE HOLIDAYS on the horizon and WAH!  that's NOT going to ease my load!

Take care everyone!

Friends are like a box of crayons.....

My friend Lori is such a blessing to me lately.  She thinks that I am the one that is blessing her.  We talk about spiritual life applications, and she literally jots down notes about what I say!  She thinks that God put me in her life to help her understand some of the things she is struggling through right now, but HA!  the joke is on her!  I think God put her in MY life to help build me up and encourage me.

What some of you may not know about me (but what my mother knows INTIMATELY and I think sometimes wishes she could change) is I am very, very, VERY hard on myself.  I very often struggle to find good things... really any redeemable qualities in myself.  I am the quintessential perfectionist.

Since this perfectionist has been through a very hard year, she is battered, weary, and little bit bruised.  Lately, however, I have felt myself gaining back a little strength, starting to have the ability to lift my head on my own and look around a bit.  The problem is... as a perfectionist. my natural tendency now that I have a little strength, is to critique myself.... to think of every single thing I've let slide over the past year... to get down on myself for lacking in this... slacking in that... failing in EVERYTHING!

Here's where Lori comes in:  she thinks that I am giving her all these great insights (gleaned only from a wealth of suffering I might add), but I don't think she fully realizes what she is doing for me.  She is building me up.  She is encouraging me more than I can express.  She is helping me to find a few things good about myself... in FACT!!!!  In a VERY, VERY, VERY rare occurrence... during a conversation with her this morning, I actually complimented myself!  ME!!!  Jami!!!  I independently found something good about myself and actually said to her, "I am really good at this."  What a BREAKTHROUGH!  When she says to me, "You have SUCH a great way with analogies."  She thinks she is just stating what she sees to be true, but it is SO much more for me.  It is like she is pouring soothing, healing oil on a aching wound.

About now I'm sure many of you are wondering... so what's with the Forest Gump blog title then....  Here it comes... I wanted to write this blog about Lori, but then I thought, "Well... I don't want to make anyone feel bad."  Will it hurt Christina's feelings that I singled out Lori?  Will Peggy worry that I don't value her friendship enough to blog about her?  Will my dear amazing sisters who are more valuable to me than gold think, "Humpf!  she didn't blog about me!"  Which is when I heard the voice of Forest Gump in my head, "Friends are like a box of crayons..."  (Actually friends are the crayons, but work with me here.)  While Lori is great and amazing and wonderful, she's not the only crayon in my crayon box.  I have many other colors and without them, the pictures I draw would be incomplete.  We all need Loris and Christinas and Peggys and Jodis and Coris...  (actually we all need one of those little crayon sharpeners, like the one on the box of 64 crayons, too... but that's not what this blog is about)...  And it is okay if right now most my pictures are heavily tinged with pink and some of the other colors get a little rest to hang out in the box....  Eventually I'm sure I'll go through a season of my life where I'll pick up the red more often or the green or the blue...

My encouragement to all of you is to remember:  Friends are like a box of crayons.  The more colors we have at our disposal the better the pictures we draw will be.  It is okay if sometimes you get a new crayon (or in the  case of Lori... you discover an old crayon at the back of the box you haven't used in awhile and move it to the front lines) and you LOVE to color everything that color...  That doesn't make the other colors any less important... any less valuable.  In my opinion, the prettiest pictures of life are drawn by those of us who have the most crayons in our crayon box.

One year ago...

Stitches

September 8, 2009... Some things are so fuzzy.  Some things are so clear.  I clearly remember sitting in a little vending machine alcove with Amber trying to keep our minds off what was going on in the operating room.  I hardly remember handing the kids off to my sister.  I remember Shane prayed with us before the pre-op nurse wheeled John away, but I don't remember much of what we said or did other than that..  I remember John left so quickly I didn't feel I had enough time with him and what if....  (Well you KNOW)...  What if that was the last time I saw him?  I remember how puffy he looked the first time I saw him after surgery, and I remember I cried tears of joy that he had made it through mingled with tears of sadness for how miserable he was.  I can't remember how long he was in that first ICU, but I remember the other family in the waiting room there.  I remember that their loved one wasn't expected to recover fully.  I remember eating TONS AND TONS of Noodles & Company.  I remember Amanda and Amber helping me watch the clock so we could tell John exactly how many minutes till he could press his morphine button.  I remember there was a hot male nurse Amber was sweating, but I couldn't pick him out of a line up.   And I remember the grumpy AWFUL nurse who preceded him.  I remember I hardly slept at all that week...  A few stolen winks on a family room couch... A few restless moments on an air mattress at my sister's.  I remember the AWFUL 2nd ICU, and its horrid brightness.  I remember the luxurious room we got once John got out of ICU.  I remember that it seemed we were at the hospital for years, but in reality we only spent 4 days there!  For BRAIN SURGERY! 

Daddy is my BFF

I remember tons of great nurses, doctors, therapists (most of the icky ones have faded away into fuzziness).  I remember my family and friends taking over care of the children, especially Cori caring for them EVERY spare unaccounted for minute.  I remember thinking over and over and OVER again, "The stress of all this should be killing me.  Why isn't it killing me?" I know now why...  because I was surrounded by a vast cloud of prayer.  I remember friends, family, even complete strangers blessing us with gifts, prayer, meals, food, advice, financial support.  I remember the sweetest of sweet (a little girl asking her daddy to send us 7 cents from her piggy bank), the crazy LAVISH (3 diff people gave us LARGE amounts - enough to pay the rent!), the very sacrificial (a friend whose family had struggled with unemployment for over a year slipped a folded up bill into my hand at church)....

Watchin TV in the hospital

But here it is ladies and gentlemen, what I remember the most:  He was right there with us through the whole thing.  He didn't drop the ball.  He didn't wring His hands.  He gathered us in His arms.  He buoyed us up with His people.  He healed my husband with a skillful surgeon from his tool box.  He carried us, He loved us, He provided for us, He stayed by us!

On our way home...

I don't know what you're facing today... I have friends facing foreclosure... I have a friend who just inherited FIVE children he is trying to keep together as a family.... I have friends struggling with a mysterious illness... Another struggling with the pain of divorce brought on by unfaithfulness... ALL of these needs and MORE are on my heart this morning.... A year and a half ago my heart would have felt such DEEP sadness for these situations.  Today, I feel a little sadness, but mostly I feel awe, wonder and expectation!  I know that I know that I KNOW that our God WILL come through for all of you in miraculous ways!  Just ask Him and then look for the answers.  

Last year, He pulled us through things I thought I could never make it through (a mini-stroke, being out of work for TWO MONTHS with no pay).  We hit rock bottom, time and time and TIME again last year, and we learned to cherish each and every day as a blessing from God.  I believe with all of me that He will pull you through too.  If you have a little time and want a little encouragement go back and read (or re-read) my blogs from last year:  August, September, October.... we were in the belly of the beast, and here we stand today having made it through by the grace of God.  He will get you through too!  So hang on and let Him carry you.

I'm not dead!!!!

That title is both an update and part of the lesson of this blog. I am not dead. I know I've had a long blog silence. All I can say is when you take a family of seven on vaca (even for two days) it takes a lot out of you!

Last week was Haugh Holiday. It is the day my mother and father met. When we were children, we celebrated that day by getting measured up against the closet door to see how much we had grown the past year and with a present of course (Kathi Haugh is ALL about presents ya know). Last year, we turned Haugh Holiday into a family reunion of sorts. All my parents children and grandchildren step away from the hustle and bustle of life for a little fun and a TON of bonding. This year took us to the Chula Vista resort in Wisconsin Dells and brought a lesson learned as well.

After packing up all six of us to go to the Dells and helping Auntie Marge get ready to spend a few days in Franklin, we were off to Oma and Poppa's. We measured all the grandbabies against the door and then headed out to the Machine Shed for breakfast. It was all fun and games until I blew out the pocket of my jeans. Seriously, I sat down and a tiny two inch worn spot (which was cute and trendy) turned into a foot long rip which revealed my unmentionables! A well placed jacket around the waist saved my dignity, the ripped jeans were chalked up to a GREAT story to add to the folk lore of Haugh Holiday, and on we went.

Well I don't know if it was bad luck or poor planning... (No one really thought to check all of the Spring Breaks around that state of Wisconsin.) Holy mother of pearl! That place was crowded! I have been to MANY waterparks in my lifetime, and I have NEVER seen one that was as crowded as the Chula Vista was last weekend! But the big punch it packed wasn't felt by the Kastners until much later. As we were driving home from the Dells, the itching began. Noah's legs, Jeremiah's stomach, Hannah's cutie bootie, and Elijah's whole body were assaulted with itching, the likes of which man has never seen before. We were all tired and itchy and ready to be home. As we got on I90, a teaching moment hit me from outta nowhere. I told the kids, "We are all tired, and we are all itchy from the chlorine. However, in every thing in life there is good and there is bad. We can choose to look at the good things or the bad things. That's our choice. So let's play a game!" We spent the next few miles going around the minivan taking turns listing three good things about Haugh Holiday. Time with Daddy. Time with my children. Jeremiah went on the scary ride with me. I got to spend time with my cousins. I saw The Squeakwel. We got to eat some GOOD food. I got to sleep in Riri's room. Before too long, the irritation of our itching had faded into the background and eyelids were beginning to droop. A much needed naptime commenced, and as I drove us home, I uttered a quick prayed that my children would learn the MARVELOUS lesson placed before them well. There is GOOD and BAD in EVERY situation. Focus on the good, and the bad starts to fade away.

Back to I'm not dead..... I returned from Haugh Holiday to find an avalanche of work awaiting me. It has been non-stop, long hours, many reports completed all week. We're back in one of those chaotic, "Mommy has to work a ton" times where granola bars and chips become the staple of our diet and to do items are piling up higher than dirty towels at the Chula Vista. But guess what???? The lesson of Haugh Holiday was not lost on ME! I am focusing on the positive: lots of hours = big paycheck! I have a job.....many people don't right now. The weather is BEAUTIFUL and is keeping my children busy while I work, work, work. And just like the title says, "I'm not dead!!!!!"

So come on, join the Kastner Kids. Play the game! What three things are you grateful for today? List them here! I'd love to hear them. And if you play my game, I PROMISE your situation will look a little better than it did 5 minutes ago.

God bless! And have a GREAT day!

An open Thank You to all of our Christmas Angels

This Christmas, the one which closed out the most difficult year in the history of the Kastner family, was the best Christmas we have EVER had. Thanks entirely to the generosity of God's Christmas Angels, the Kastner children had a better Christmas then they have ever had before.

As Christmas approached, John and I started to realize that we might not be able to give the children any Christmas gifts this year. God was so generously providing for our needs during this time; however, we weren't sure presents would qualify as a need. So many had given us generous gifts, and we were sure God would get us through the rest of this trial with food in our bellies and a roof over our heads; however, we did not at all anticipate the "cherry on top of the sundae" He would provide. We gently began to prepare the children for this reality. Jeremiah so wise beyond his years said, "That's okay mom. I have everything I need in this wonderful family."

But then in a gesture designed solely to show us how much He loves us. In a totally unnecessary and purely lavish act, God impressed upon Christmas Angels to bless us. First from New Mexico arrived the presents Santa "accidentally delivered" to the wrong place. Then the cafeteria ladies from John's building sent home a ridiculous amount of loot for the children. Finally, we were contacted by our church and told a family from the community would like to provide presents for our Christmas. And of course there were the typical GOBS of presents the children are always blessed with from Oma, Poppa, and Riri. We were blessed beyond measure with an AMAZING Christmas. While I am eternally grateful for the smiles on the faces of our children and the joy in their hearts over all the Christmas presents they received, it is for the intangible, everlasting gifts that I am most grateful. Our children learned lessons of generosity and kindness that I do not think they will ever forget. Through the gifts of our Christmas Angels, our children learned that God doesn't just care for their needs He cares for their wants too. Through the gifts of our Christmas Angels, our children were inspired, and they are already saving some of their allowance for next Christmas so they can bless a family just like we were blessed.

John and I were humbled to the point of tears over the charitable gifts we were given this Christmas (and actually since the beginning of this ordeal), but it is not for the tangible things that I am finding myself most grateful. I am finding myself most grateful that my children know, I mean REALLY know, that God will always provide for them. That they have learned to depend on Him and Him alone for all their needs. That they have learned to be humble and generous and to always look for ways to bless others. Truly this brain surgery, this entire year.... what Satan had crafted to be the destruction of this family and our faith has become our greatest triumph. We are stronger than we were at the beginning of 2009 and we will NEVER let go of the faith that got us through all of this.

Thank you to ALL of our Angels (Christmas, Fall, rent, and food Angels). We are truly blessed because of you.

Lessons I learned from Mercy

I need to begin this blog with a HUGE disclaimer. I am NOT a cat person. I really am not. I can hardly stand cats. In fact (as MANY would tell you), I might have even been heard saying, "The only good cat is a dead cat." I really do not like cats. Okay, finished with the disclaimer. Here's the story:

About two weeks ago, a stray cat followed the kids home from a bike ride. What I didn't know then was that it was just the "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" storyline being played out in front of my eyes. As John and I decorated the Christmas tree (something the kids were supposed to be helping with), they sat out on the driveway petting the cat and playing with the cat.

"She's hungry Momma." was the first step in my slippery slide down the hill. I gave in out of love for my babies, not out of any affinity for this cat. We gave her a can of tuna and a saucer of milk. She set up an abode underneath our front porch, and the kids started calling her Lucky. After about two days, it was time for Elijah's tonsil surgery so Riri came out to the country to watch the other kids. She brought along with her a water dish, food dish and a bunch of cat food. I guess that was step two...

I can't remember the exact timeline, it is all so foggy and seems like it was forever, not just a few weeks. Eventually (we theorize because we were leaving her food outside) she got into a scuffle with another animal. One morning we found her face all gashed up and her nose bleeding. We let her move into the garage to keep her safe and let her heal from whatever predator had attacked her. John and I rationalized, we can have an outside cat and not be cat people. At that point, I announced that Lucky was a lame name, and we needed a real name. We decided upon Mercy because in our dreams the dog we'll have is named Gracie, and Grace and Mercy go so well together. We moved her food and water into the garage, gave her a camp chair and a few blankets to sleep on, and opened the door during the day for her to "do her business."

Our setup became problematic when the weather started turning colder. The day that I found her water bowl frozen solid was the day we knew we were in over our heads. We moved Mercy inside and set her up in the mudroom. In breezed Riri, with a litter box, toys, canned cat food, a brush... all the goodies the spoiling Aunt has right at her fingertips (at least after a quick trip to Target). The kids were in heaven. They would sit and pet Mercy forever.

Mercy was a GREAT cat. She was not like other cats. She wasn't snobby or persnickety. She was friendly and patient. She was great with the kids. She would let Hannah manhandle her and love on her, and she never got mean. She must have been someones cat who had been abandoned or something, because she immediately knew what the liter box was and used it consistently from the beginning. She was a dream cat (if there is such a thing).

We always kinda knew that Mercy was sick. When she first showed up, I told John, this cat just came here looking for somewhere to die. So when we decided to let her come live inside, we determined she would have to take a trip to the vet in order to make sure she wasn't a danger to the children. The vet did not have good news. Likely Mercy had a terminal condition that wasn't treatable, but nothing that could be transmitted to the children. We could try to clear up her infections with antibiotics and keep her for awhile. So we tried. That was Monday.

So there I was (NOT the cat person) squirting antibiotics down this cat's throat twice a day and wiping away her bloody buggers. I mean SERIOUSLY?!?!?! John was humoring me, but I know he was thinking, "Who is this crazy cat lady who has taken over my wife's body?" The medicine seemed to be working. We could hear Mercy sneezing a lot, and she seemed to be clearing some of the mucus from her lungs and nose.

Then yesterday, she climbed in her litter box and wouldn't get out. She sat in there much of the day. It was awful. I explained to the children that she was likely going to die soon, and she knew it. She would let us pet her, but if we tried to pick her up she'd bare her teeth and make a little pitiful sound like, "Please don't. It hurts too much." I was a wreck. The triple assault of watching this creature suffer, realizing I had fallen for this dumb cat and was now going to lose her, and knowing that this would break my babies' hearts was too much for me. I cried all day.

I struggled to find something to do for her. We could not afford to put her down (the vet said it would be nearly $100). No Humane Society would help me because we live in a "non-contracted" area. Part of how we ended up in this jam was because we had called the contracted "dog catcher" guy for Hubbard earlier in this saga, and he never called us back. We prayed for Mercy and that God would help us find a way to help her, and I tried one more time to reach the Hubbard animal guy. Miraculously, I reached his wife. I think my tears helped plead my case for once. She assured me he would call as soon as he returned from work. Mercy left with the animal man at 4:10 p.m. last night. We were devastated but not left without many lessons learned.

1. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death (James 1:15) I am not saying Mercy was sin; however, I am saying, if you don't want to have a cat.... if you don't want to be a "cat person".... do NOT (I repeat) do NOT feed a stray cat. Don't even pet it. Don't even look at it. The parallels here are too clear not to be applied! If you don't want to have sex before your married, don't take your clothes off. If you don't want to become addicted to drugs, don't smoke even your first joint. If you don't want to cheat on your husband, don't spend any time with a man you are not married to. If you want to avoid sin, do NOT entertain it! Don't give it even one second of your time. Because if you let it get just one tiny little paw into your front yard, before you know it that thing will be sleeping on your couch, and you'll be wiping the bloody mucus from it's nose. Trust me! I know some of you are saying, "Not me! I hate cats!" or "Not me! I love my spouse!" or "Not me! I don't drink, smoke or chew or go with boys who do!" But let me tell you: If it can happen to the greatest cat hater of all, it can happen to you.

2. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9) God sure works in mysterious ways I tell you. Me falling for this cat reminded me of this unexpected friendship that came my way. I had determined in my heart to hate this girl. She had taken my place. She was the new (and MUCH better) cheer coach at HCS, and I was still bitter about having my job, my calling, my ministry ripped from my grip. But in breezed Shannon Michelle and it was all over. She and I "clicked" like peanut butter and jelly. Still now... ten years later she is one of my BFFs. God works in mysterious ways. I never thought I'd love a cat. But I did, and because I kept my heart open to the unexpected I gleaned a lot of good things.

3. Why you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. (James 4:14) Mercy really seemed to be on the upswing this week. Then all of a sudden she veered suddenly and started declining rapidly. Life is like that too you know. All is going well and then without much warning, it is lying shattered at your feet. We had such a short time with Mercy before she was gone, but we enjoyed every moment with her and we loved her and gave her a little taste of Heaven before she succumbed to her illness. So the lesson I take from that??? Suck up every second like it is your last. Savor every moment you have with the ones you love because before you know it your time may be up. I have had two relationships like this. Two very intense friendships that came seemingly out of nowhere and overtook my life. Two "BFFs" who became indispensable within a matter of minutes and then after not very long left my life with a heart-shattering "BAM!" I have really learned to just be grateful for every second I have... with Mercy, with my friends, and with my family. Because I know that sickness, death, or betrayal can rip those things from your grip in an instant, and I never want to be left regretting the fact that I didn't cherish what I had when it was there.

4. The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:40) Being kind can never be wrong. It just can't. It might hurt in the end. You might end up with your heart torn to shreds and bleeding profusely, but it can NEVER be wrong to be kind. Recently, I made a kind gesture that was rebuked and thrown right back in my face. At first, I was so angry. The sting of the rejection really hurt. But then I realized, I wouldn't change one thing I had done because I had been kind and that was a good thing. Right now as I sit here a little bruised and battered from having known and loved Mercy, I realize that I wouldn't change one thing. It hurt like heck to let her go, and it hurts like heck still as just a few moments ago I had to console Elijah through a storm of tears after he asked, "Mom, why did Mercy have to go to sleep?" But I am glad we were kind to this tiny little creature. I am glad we gave her love and warmth and food for her last days on this earth.

Okay so I'm finally to the end of this long-winded blog. Please do not mistake me, I am still NOT a cat person. However, I think I may amend my famous saying, "The only good cat is Mercy."

Thankful Blog Part 4 - My Family

I have the most amazing family in the world! We aren't perfect, and trust me we have got our CRAZY, but my family is loyal and true and faithful to a fault. No matter what, my family will support me... through the good and the bad... through the ugly and the pretty...

I am thankful for my mom. Everything I ever learned about how to love my children I got from my mom. She loves her children MADLY. She cherishes each and everyone of us dearly. My mother would literally give her heart if one of us needed a transplant. She is the most generous person. Most of all I am thankful that my mom loves Jesus. I am thankful that she made it a priority to give me a godly foundation for my life.

I am thankful for my dad. He was just a child when I was born... a mere 18 years old. And he did the best thing he could ever do for me; he loved my mom, he stayed married to my mom. I am thankful my dad was willing to work hard to provide a good life for us children. Again most of all I am thankful my dad loves Jesus.

I am thankful for my sister Jodi. I am thankful for her CONTINUAL and CONSTANT prayer support. I am grateful that in the middle of her husband being laid off she is worried about how she can minister to me in my time of need. I am grateful that no matter what whether she agrees with me or not she will love me and defend my right to believe what I believe and choose what I choose.

(Okay Riri... Here it is...your turn in the spotlight!)

I am thankful for my sister Cori. She is generous to a fault. She will give me or my children (or any of her family or friends) her last dime in order to make us smile. She has got my back! If someone hurts me or betrays me, that girl is RABID and straining at her leash waiting to ATTACK and rain vengenance on their head. She is funny. No matter what she can make me laugh. She does not judge me. I can always be exactly who I am with her and I know she won't judge me or offer unsolicited advice. She'll just listen and love. Finally, I am thankful for how much she loves my babies. So much in fact that some of them ask me frequently if they can go live with her.

I am thankful for my wonderful brother Seth who is the BEST uncle in the world to my children. I am thankful for my gramma, the matriarch of this wonderful, crazy family. She is supportive and amazing, and she folds some mean sock. I have an amazing Aunt and SUPER cousins.

I am blessed with the most amazing family and I am thankful for them this Thanksgiving.

OHMIGOSH! It's Friday!?!?

Thank you all for your patience. I'm sorry I haven't been posting blogs very quickly. I hope you are able to follow on Twitter. That is where I am trying to do most of my updating. This is ALL so exhausting: managing John's care, being his advocate, updating our VAST support network, tracking how the children are doing, fielding calls, replying to e-mails, answering texts, not letting myself get rundown. It is a lot to do. While His grace is sufficient, I am grateful that y'all are cutting me some slack on the communication thing. Just so you know, my distribution lists for sending update e-mails are on the desktop at home. I am therefore not able to send e-mails each time I post an update to this site. Please either sign up to be a follower on this site and request notifications from the site or check back frequently for updates. I'm trying hard to post at least one update per day.

Okay so now with all THAT out of the way... on to what you really want to know:

How is John?

They have moved him out of the "armpit of Satan" in that ICU and into his own room. This room is a suite reserved for Dr. Ahuja's patients and we are living in the lap of luxury here. Dr. Ahuja was NOT happy they had bumped John out of the neuro ICU. He told me, "I gave them a piece of my mind." Our nurse told us, "Dr. Ahuja is a very powerful man. When he says something, we ALL jump." To say we are much more comfortable here is the HUGEST understatement in the world. If he ever gets conscious, he has a flat screen TV and DVD player. I'm sleeping on a pull out bed in stead of that horrible recliner. My butt is currently residing in a LEATHER recliner. But most importantly I am able to keep it PITCH black in here so he can rest peacefully and reduce the pain from light sensitivity.

He is still VERY nauseous and the pain is pretty bad. A few minutes ago he woke up calling out, "Stop! Stop!" We got him a bit more comfortable, and he is back to sleep right now. He is doing VERY well in the areas of strength and mobility. He can stand up with little assistance. He has done some walking. When we got to this room, he did not want to be lifted from one bed to the other he wanted to scooch himself.

How can I help?

1. The most important thing you can do is to continue praying. Pray for complete healing, for relief from the pain and nausea. Also in order to go home, he just has to get the nausea under control and to be managing his pain via oral medication instead of IV. Those are the goals we are working towards. Please help us by praying towards those goals.

2. Visiting: I feel bad because I keep reiterating this, but we are continually being inundated with requests to come and visit. John is NOT up to that yet but is trying hard to get himself there. Yesterday, we brought the little kids up and they each got a quick 30-second visit: a kiss, I love you's and a card before they were whisked out because he was fading fast. I almost cried earlier when I got to actually hold a conversation with him for about 15 min or so. I got all tongue tied and couldn't remember what I had been dying to converse with him about for the past 2 days. It was just so good to have him talking to me for a little bit. To all those who are chomping at the bit to visit, I VOW to you I will tell you when he is feeling up to it. I will not forget you! But he only just visited with me for the first time last night at about 9 p.m.

3. Child care: I really only planned help with the kids through tomorrow morning. My sisters have been my gold standard here: arrising in early hours to pick up the chidren, watching them whenever they are available... Cori's house has become headquarters for the Kastner Fiesta and she has even been keeping them all night as long as I get someone to get them before she has to leave for work. Not sure what is going to happen as it now appears very likely that we will be here this weekend and my one sister, mom, and m-i-l will all be at the NDC women's retreat. If anyone out there has a fun suggestion and would like to entertain the Kastner Kids this weekend, please call/text/e-mail. I'm open to suggestions.

4. Miscellaneous: there are other practical ways for people to help if they are itching for things to do. I thought today while I'm in the city I should run my van to a quick lube (haven't been able to find one of those in the boonies) and get the oil change that is LONG overdue. If someone wanted to pick it up and run that errand for me, that'd be great. My only request would be to take it somewhere CHEAP. I'm getting a little sick of fast food. It would be dreamy if someone could bring me something real to eat. In fact, Dad if you are reading this it would be AWESOME if tomorrow morning a lunch of leftover tater tot casserole made it to me. Mmmmmm....

Okay, I think that's it and I'm feeling sleepy so I think I could get a bit more rest now. Thank you SO much for everything you are ALL doing: the prayers, the encouraging notes/texts/e-mails/calls, the assistance with children, the gifts, the love, they are our lifeline! We love you all!

Information from the Neurosurgeon

Well John has two things wrong with his brain (I know, I know you thought there were many more than that).

1. Cavernoma – he has a spot on the left side of his brain which the neurosurgeon suspects is a cavernoma. Apparently a cavernoma is a leaky blood vessel. The doctor does not believe this is what is causing his symptoms: right side weakness, headaches, vision problems, etc… However, this area must be looked at more closely to confirm the doctor’s suspicions that it is not the main culprit.
2. Chiari Malformation – John also has a Chiari Malformation at the base of his brain. Basically, his brain is sinking into the top of his spinal column and putting pressure onto his spinal cord. The doctor suspects this is what is causing the symptoms. The solution for this is brain surgery.

What is the gameplan? It’s gonna move pretty quickly. Apparently the quicker this is resolved the more likely that John’s right side weakness and other symptoms will be resolved and not be permanent.

1. Tomorrow he goes to Hartford Hospital for an MRI of his cervical spine.
2. Monday he goes to St. Luke’s (in Milwaukee) for an angiogram of his brain.
3. Thursday we go back to the neurosurgeon to see if brain surgery is the recommendation.

Prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer! We need PRAYER!

1. Wisdom for the doctors, nurses, technicians, etc…. to figure this out for sure and come up with the proper plan of action.
2. Complete and total healing. Whether through God’s miraculous intervention or through the healing hands of the doctor doing surgery….beggars can’t be choosers. We will take it however we can get it.
3. Practical matters: caring for the kids during all of this, paying the bills if John ends up out of work for surgery, short-term disability, FMLA, how much sick time does he have left, etc, etc, etc…

As far as the children go: Alex is in Afghanistan and will find out what he needs to know when he needs to know it. Amanda and Amber are adults and we are including them on everything we know. Noah, Jeremiah, Elijah and Hannah are way too young to process this. We will be telling them in bits and pieces on an as need basis. For example, Monday they will be with my sister Cori all day, and they will know that Daddy has to have a better picture taken of his brain. If any of you have chance to talk with any of them about this, we wanted to make sure you know what we are telling them.

We are exhausted, a bit overwhelmed, but completely secure in the verse that closes every e-mail I send: He knows the plans He has for us and they are plans to prosper us and not to harm us… plans to give us hope and a future. Thank you in advance for your prayers.