Friends are like a box of crayons.....

My friend Lori is such a blessing to me lately.  She thinks that I am the one that is blessing her.  We talk about spiritual life applications, and she literally jots down notes about what I say!  She thinks that God put me in her life to help her understand some of the things she is struggling through right now, but HA!  the joke is on her!  I think God put her in MY life to help build me up and encourage me.

What some of you may not know about me (but what my mother knows INTIMATELY and I think sometimes wishes she could change) is I am very, very, VERY hard on myself.  I very often struggle to find good things... really any redeemable qualities in myself.  I am the quintessential perfectionist.

Since this perfectionist has been through a very hard year, she is battered, weary, and little bit bruised.  Lately, however, I have felt myself gaining back a little strength, starting to have the ability to lift my head on my own and look around a bit.  The problem is... as a perfectionist. my natural tendency now that I have a little strength, is to critique myself.... to think of every single thing I've let slide over the past year... to get down on myself for lacking in this... slacking in that... failing in EVERYTHING!

Here's where Lori comes in:  she thinks that I am giving her all these great insights (gleaned only from a wealth of suffering I might add), but I don't think she fully realizes what she is doing for me.  She is building me up.  She is encouraging me more than I can express.  She is helping me to find a few things good about myself... in FACT!!!!  In a VERY, VERY, VERY rare occurrence... during a conversation with her this morning, I actually complimented myself!  ME!!!  Jami!!!  I independently found something good about myself and actually said to her, "I am really good at this."  What a BREAKTHROUGH!  When she says to me, "You have SUCH a great way with analogies."  She thinks she is just stating what she sees to be true, but it is SO much more for me.  It is like she is pouring soothing, healing oil on a aching wound.

About now I'm sure many of you are wondering... so what's with the Forest Gump blog title then....  Here it comes... I wanted to write this blog about Lori, but then I thought, "Well... I don't want to make anyone feel bad."  Will it hurt Christina's feelings that I singled out Lori?  Will Peggy worry that I don't value her friendship enough to blog about her?  Will my dear amazing sisters who are more valuable to me than gold think, "Humpf!  she didn't blog about me!"  Which is when I heard the voice of Forest Gump in my head, "Friends are like a box of crayons..."  (Actually friends are the crayons, but work with me here.)  While Lori is great and amazing and wonderful, she's not the only crayon in my crayon box.  I have many other colors and without them, the pictures I draw would be incomplete.  We all need Loris and Christinas and Peggys and Jodis and Coris...  (actually we all need one of those little crayon sharpeners, like the one on the box of 64 crayons, too... but that's not what this blog is about)...  And it is okay if right now most my pictures are heavily tinged with pink and some of the other colors get a little rest to hang out in the box....  Eventually I'm sure I'll go through a season of my life where I'll pick up the red more often or the green or the blue...

My encouragement to all of you is to remember:  Friends are like a box of crayons.  The more colors we have at our disposal the better the pictures we draw will be.  It is okay if sometimes you get a new crayon (or in the  case of Lori... you discover an old crayon at the back of the box you haven't used in awhile and move it to the front lines) and you LOVE to color everything that color...  That doesn't make the other colors any less important... any less valuable.  In my opinion, the prettiest pictures of life are drawn by those of us who have the most crayons in our crayon box.

One year ago...

Stitches

September 8, 2009... Some things are so fuzzy.  Some things are so clear.  I clearly remember sitting in a little vending machine alcove with Amber trying to keep our minds off what was going on in the operating room.  I hardly remember handing the kids off to my sister.  I remember Shane prayed with us before the pre-op nurse wheeled John away, but I don't remember much of what we said or did other than that..  I remember John left so quickly I didn't feel I had enough time with him and what if....  (Well you KNOW)...  What if that was the last time I saw him?  I remember how puffy he looked the first time I saw him after surgery, and I remember I cried tears of joy that he had made it through mingled with tears of sadness for how miserable he was.  I can't remember how long he was in that first ICU, but I remember the other family in the waiting room there.  I remember that their loved one wasn't expected to recover fully.  I remember eating TONS AND TONS of Noodles & Company.  I remember Amanda and Amber helping me watch the clock so we could tell John exactly how many minutes till he could press his morphine button.  I remember there was a hot male nurse Amber was sweating, but I couldn't pick him out of a line up.   And I remember the grumpy AWFUL nurse who preceded him.  I remember I hardly slept at all that week...  A few stolen winks on a family room couch... A few restless moments on an air mattress at my sister's.  I remember the AWFUL 2nd ICU, and its horrid brightness.  I remember the luxurious room we got once John got out of ICU.  I remember that it seemed we were at the hospital for years, but in reality we only spent 4 days there!  For BRAIN SURGERY! 

Daddy is my BFF

I remember tons of great nurses, doctors, therapists (most of the icky ones have faded away into fuzziness).  I remember my family and friends taking over care of the children, especially Cori caring for them EVERY spare unaccounted for minute.  I remember thinking over and over and OVER again, "The stress of all this should be killing me.  Why isn't it killing me?" I know now why...  because I was surrounded by a vast cloud of prayer.  I remember friends, family, even complete strangers blessing us with gifts, prayer, meals, food, advice, financial support.  I remember the sweetest of sweet (a little girl asking her daddy to send us 7 cents from her piggy bank), the crazy LAVISH (3 diff people gave us LARGE amounts - enough to pay the rent!), the very sacrificial (a friend whose family had struggled with unemployment for over a year slipped a folded up bill into my hand at church)....

Watchin TV in the hospital

But here it is ladies and gentlemen, what I remember the most:  He was right there with us through the whole thing.  He didn't drop the ball.  He didn't wring His hands.  He gathered us in His arms.  He buoyed us up with His people.  He healed my husband with a skillful surgeon from his tool box.  He carried us, He loved us, He provided for us, He stayed by us!

On our way home...

I don't know what you're facing today... I have friends facing foreclosure... I have a friend who just inherited FIVE children he is trying to keep together as a family.... I have friends struggling with a mysterious illness... Another struggling with the pain of divorce brought on by unfaithfulness... ALL of these needs and MORE are on my heart this morning.... A year and a half ago my heart would have felt such DEEP sadness for these situations.  Today, I feel a little sadness, but mostly I feel awe, wonder and expectation!  I know that I know that I KNOW that our God WILL come through for all of you in miraculous ways!  Just ask Him and then look for the answers.  

Last year, He pulled us through things I thought I could never make it through (a mini-stroke, being out of work for TWO MONTHS with no pay).  We hit rock bottom, time and time and TIME again last year, and we learned to cherish each and every day as a blessing from God.  I believe with all of me that He will pull you through too.  If you have a little time and want a little encouragement go back and read (or re-read) my blogs from last year:  August, September, October.... we were in the belly of the beast, and here we stand today having made it through by the grace of God.  He will get you through too!  So hang on and let Him carry you.

Thorns, contentment, and hope...

I had the EXACT same conversation three different times yesterday.... I'm not THAT dense... I see it's something God must want me to process... With three different people, I had conversations where we ended up talking about what to do when you're praying and praying for God to change something, and it just doesn't change.

Did you ever see the movie Groundhog Day? I actually hate that movie, BUT that's not the point of this. In the movie, Bill Murray goes through the same day (Groundhog Day) over and over and over again. I can't remember what the point of that exercise is as I have tried to block the irritating movie from my memory banks; however, it is actually serving a purpose for once. In the movie, every time he wakes up it is the SAME EXACT day. He knows what's coming. He knows how it goes. Do you ever feel like that? Like you have been down this road a jillion times? Like you have endured these same struggles over and over? Like you have prayed your heart nearly DRY begging for God to change your circumstances? Yet still here you are.

How do we handle the struggles in life which seem to never end? Suffering a chronic illness... Neverending financial struggles... Perpetual singleness... What attitude are we to have towards those things?

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.

2 Corinthians 12:7-8

If the struggle that just won't go away is our "thorn" then our posture should be one of humility, acceptance, and perseverance. We should just accept that this is what God has given us, our "cross" to bear, and continue on living the life he has given us. Supporting this idea is:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Philippians 4:12

We need to be content whether we are walking in sickness or health, whether we are socking away money for a rainy day or robbing Peter to pay Paul, whether we are navigating our days as one or as part of a dynamic duo. The summer before I met John, I had REALLY come to grips with my singleness. I was nearly 30 and feared I would never ever get that precious "Mrs. Degree" I had so deeply desired. That summer I remember saying to God, "You know Lord, I'm okay with being single. I don't need to get married. I have a tremendous ministry here, reaching out to these children in this Christian school. That is enough for me. I had become content in that situation. BUT (and that's a REALLY BIG BUT there) I had NOT given up hope. My contentment with my singleness didn't mean that I had stopped longing for my soul mate. I think that is a fallacy we have all accepted. We believe that being content means you no longer desire or hope for that thing you don't have: health, financial stability, a spouse. I think you can be content with your situation while still hoping and praying for a change.....

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10:23

He is faithful and no matter HOW long you have endured the exact same struggle, you should hang on to your hope! We serve an AMAZING God, Whose power and majesty know NO end.... No matter how neverending your situation seems, no matter how hopeless your plight, He CAN change it. He CAN turn it around in a FRACTION of an instant.

So where does that leave us??? How then do we endure? I think that we endure by accepting our situation and getting to the point where we know should God choose to NEVER change our struggles, we will continue on: loving Him, praising Him, serving Him. I think we endure by finding things to be grateful for even when the night seems the darkest. But most importantly I think we endure by NEVER EVER giving up the hope that things might change.

My dear friend who is struggling through a situation that just DOESN'T seem to resolve itself, I know your pain! I understand the agony! I GET the deep, deep desire to just be through to the other side of this trial. I need you to hear that our God CAN change your situation. But I need you to tell me that even if He never does change it, you will NOT give up!

So seek contentment with where you are. Remember that God can bring your healing, rescue, redemption in an INSTANT! But until He does, hang on tight. Don't give up. Be content and most of all PRAISE HIM!

Day 7... My final thoughts

So sorry I left you all hanging on the wrap up to the soul cleanse thing. It has been an INSANE week (more to follow in another blog) and I have not had a second to breathe much less blog.

I really enjoyed our endeavor. The soul cleanse revolutionized my life in a few areas, refreshed my soul and refocused my spirit. I highly recommend embarking on a week long "diet" for your spiritual life. I think we would all reap different benefits from one but we would ALL reap benefits.

Quick wrap-up then... What I learned from my soul cleanse:

***(for Jami Lynn Kastner) the TV is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. I do not do moderation well in just about ANY area of my life, and TV is an area where I just should not even start.

***children learn best by example. You can't tell your kids to love Jesus. You can't lecture or Bible read your kids into loving Jesus. You have to love Jesus with ALL of yourself and let them SEE how to love Jesus.

***A lot of the time, healing is like peeling an onion. The healing happens in layers. God peels off layers of hurt one at a time, so each underneath layer can get prepped before hitting the harsh, cruel elements outside the onion. I like that type of healing. While I'm impatient for the healing to be "complete," I like that God is gentle with me when healing me.

***My husband is an fountain of spiritual wisdom. Every once and a while like a geyser he spews forth some of that wisdom and I am amazed at what showers all around me. I am glad my children have THIS daddy for many reasons but mostly because of the spiritual things he reveals to them.

***I love Jesus. I just do. I love Him always, completely and FOREVER.

Cleansing my soul....

This morning a friend's Facebook status (Sarah Bowling) caught my attention: it said, "I think ever so often we should consider doing a soul cleanse - just some food for thought." I immediately took this idea to my bff. "What do you think, Hon? Are you game?"

Together we started pondering the idea of a soul cleanse. We are SUCH huge fans of cleansing diets. While we never seem to make it all the way through one, we still believe deeply in the concept of cleansing toxins from one's body. So the idea of doing a cleanse for our souls really appealed to us.

We started thinking through what a cleansing diet involves: eliminating junk food and increasing healthy food.... the result of which is a cleansing of toxins from one's body. Then we marinated on how could we fashion a "cleansing diet" for our souls.

First we contemplated what things are junk food to our soul. Junk food in our diet isn't necessarily evil, but it does fill our bellies with food that does not bring much nutritive benefit to our bodies. There are things in our life that do the same thing to our spirits. They are not necessarily evil or sinful, in and of themselves, but they fill our time with stuff that does not bring much benefit to our spirit. We tried to identify what things in our life have little to no spiritual value. The list John and I came up with included: secular music, talk radio, and TV. We decided these things, while not "sin," are taking up space that could be filled with more spiritual pursuits.

Next we contemplated what is spiritual health food. What are the good things we should increase in our daily spiritual "diet" in order to eliminate spiritual toxins. We thought, "How can we get more God into our lives?" These spiritual "health foods" boiled down to three things: 1. Prayer 2. Reading the Word 3. Worship. We started thinking through our schedules and coming up with ways to get more and more of these three things into our lives.

One thing we change we have ABSOLUTELY got to make is: we have to get back to church! Car problems have kept us from traveling the 40 minutes to church for months now. We need a BIG repair to fix the problem and are not able to drive long distances right now. Today we spent some time searching for an "interim" church, and we found one just 15 minutes away! Even if it isn't the church where our hearts are, at least we will be at church. And who knows! Maybe God has plans for us at this "interim" church.

Another thing we are committing to: Family Worship. For a long time in the beginning of 2009, our family faithfully worshiped together on Friday nights. We would spend an hour or so, praising and worshiping, dancing and clapping, crying and praying. It was an AMAZING thing. However, somehow when the storms started we let that habit fall to the wayside. It is being revived again this week. In fact, this week we are going to try to do Family Worship EVERY SINGLE night! (Some of you BETTER keep me accountable and ask how many times we actually did it!) Then after our cleansing week ends, we plan to return to weekly Family Worship times.

It didn't take long as we were hatching these plans, for me to feel my stomach drop with the realization that Satan was NOT going to like this. I wanted to throw up, but yet I was not really deterred. See quick rewind back to 2009. John and I were ON FIRE for God! We were praying fervently and faithfully for a revival in our church. We were working hard to lead the youth of our church closer and closer to Christ. Using Facebook, I started a prayer group. I spent nearly every morning praying through long lists of requests, some from people I didn't even know personally. We might as well have been waving a red cape in front of a raging bull. John even posted on Facebook one day, "Bring it on Satan." Only we didn't fully realize how what we were doing was going to stir of the forces of the evil realm, and I don't think either of us had a healthy enough respect for what exactly Satan is capable of. So when Satan charged at us we didn't have our eyes on him, we weren't prepared for his attack. He blindsided us from what seemed like out of NOWHERE. He brought weapons to the fight that we didn't even know existed, and while he did not win (for he NEVER does) at the end of the battle John and I found ourselves face down in mud that was tinged with our own blood. Gravely but not fatally wounded, we found ourselves with a new appreciation for Satan's crafty power, a sickening realization of our frail, wicked humanity, and a triumphant assurance of His sovereignty, goodness, and never-ending, loving, kindness.

But this time I feel we will weather the battle better. I stopped the second I got that sick realization that we were about to HACK off the devil. I went to John, and we agreed in prayer, covering our entire family, our possessions, our relationship with the blood of Christ. I know we are about to make the devil a very unhappy camper, but this time we are ready for him. I don't want to fight him again. I don't relish the thought of battling him, especially since we really haven't even recovered from the last series of skirmishes. But I want MORE of God in my life. I want to know Him more deeply. I want to love Him more completely. I want to reflect Him more clearly. And if I have to fight to get that, so be it.

Last night we watched Independence Day. (I LOVE that movie! However, during our soul cleansing it will not be on the list of approved pursuits.) After an air battle with an alien which results in a crash, Will Smith opens the alien craft to find the alien inside is STILL alive. He punches the thing full in the face and knocks it unconscious. That scene inspired me! His character had just finished a grueling dogfight in which his best friend was killed. He was tired and weary yet when he saw the enemy was still writhing he rose to the challenge and knocked that alien OUT!

I too have been through a grueling battle. The past 12 months have been wrought with battles. My husband, my marriage, my family, my very life, and everything I hold dear have been threatened. I am tired and weary, but I tell you what, I am NOT going to go down without a fight! I am going to keep on taking swings at that crafty old snake, and I will crush him under my foot because I am a child of the King and MY SIDE WINS IN THE END! No matter how many stupid little battles Satan appears to have won along the way, in the end WE WIN!

So I am inspired and motivated, and I am girding up my loins for battle. But I am also reaching out my hands to my Father the King, expectantly and confidently waiting for Him to fill my begging hands with good and amazing things from above.

I'm going to do my best to chronicle this journey here daily. I will try as hard as I can to be as transparent as possible and let you all walk with us through this cleansing of our souls... I don't think it will be easy. I'm reminded of the vomiting that occurred the time I tried to begin my new year with a cleansing diet but the shock of caffeine withdrawal had me nauseated by the severe headache pain. I'm thinking that a spiritual cleansing might not be much more pleasant than that. However, I full, well believe that the benefits of cleansing my soul will FAR outweigh the benefits of any kind of cleansing of my physical body.

So here we go! Project soul cleansing begins when I wake up this morning. One week of eliminating spiritual junk food and increasing spiritual health food. I have made a list in my journal of "toxins" that I hope God will purge out of my soul and breakthroughs I hope He will bring. But I FULL WELL expect that at the end of this week, the list of actual toxins purged and actual breakthroughs made will far exceed my expectations and will be exceedingly more than anything I could ask for or hope for.

Birthday blog....

On the occasion of my birthday I thought I would reflect on what I've learned over the past 12 months. It's been a rocky year... one that resembles some sort of boot camp experience... but I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I learned A LOT:

1. It is God who holds my heart in His hands. He is the only One who will never let me down, leave me, or betray me. Friends, family members, spouses... They disappoint, leave, betray, even die... But He NEVER will. NEVER!

2. It is very important to keep my focus forward; however, glancing backward to remember where I have been is VITAL when attempting not to repeat past mistakes.

3. You can't fix stupid. This may sound funny coming from a teacher; however I have come to see that I CANNOT change the inane rules my insurance company has... I CANNOT change a headstrong, mule-like person... I just CANNOT fight city hall.... Therefore, some battles are better left unfought.

4. Stress.... It's a killer! Stress will catch up with you. It doesn't matter how much I think I resemble Wonder Woman. It doesn't matter that I think I can handle it. Put your body through continual and constant stress, and eventually, the effects will begin to show.

5. His grace is ALWAYS sufficient. No matter what I FEEL like. No matter what I FEAR. No matter what the devil is whispering to me.... No matter that those aforementioned effects of stress are beginning to show... His grace is ALWAYS sufficient.

6. People are crazy and we live in strange times. (Have to admit I stole this one from my mom and her healthcare seminar).... it's so true... read it again... marinate on it... I think you'll agree.

7. One ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship. (Spanish Proverb) When push comes to shove.... When I am down on my luck... When I feel like I have no one else to turn to... My family is ALWAYS there for me and this I can ALWAYS take to the bank: my Momma loves me.

8. This thing called parenting... Heck this thing called marriage... it just ain't as easy as it looks. There are days when I want to throw the whole kit and caboodle out with the used dishwater, BUT... the benefits... should I choose not to throw in the towel... are well, well, WELL worth it.

9. I am sooooo glad that God chose these specific angels to be my babies. They may be daredevils.... Their heads have been known to spin around.... But they are sweet and smart and kind and polite.... They LOVE Jesus with all of them and THEY ARE MY BABIES! And I am GRATEFUL!

10. John Joseph Kastner is the bravest man I know. He is no saint, and he is not perfect. But he bravely faces down EVERY challenge that comes before him. He will fight to the DEATH for his family and especially his wife. He will never give up no matter how insurmountable the odds seem... no matter how scared he is... no matter what it might cost him. I am ever grateful that my God chose THIS man to complete me... for without him I would be NOTHING.

So there it is... another year older, and actually, I think this year (more than many others) I am actually another year wiser as well. It is NOT a year I wish to repeat EVER again, but it is definitely a year that brought me closer to God, my husband, my children, and my family. It was definitely a year that made me stronger. Hope I'm not too whimpy though if I ask just one thing as a "birthday wish"...

Dear God, Can I please have an easier year next?

Another fruity drink please, Mr. Vin Diesel

Sometimes I literally and truly wonder if I will make it through all of this. I mean SERIOUSLY what kind of person can handle THIS! I'm not some sort of super human.... I'm just a girl... One puny, measly, fearful, insecure, little girl!

"Send in the reinforcements! Shore up the line! The B team MUST take the court! For this front line fighter is done! Toast! Spent!"

I want a break! I need a vacation from all this misery! I want to plant my big white butt on the sand in Fiji while a cabana boy who looks like Vin Diesel brings me fruity drinks with umbrellas in them! I'll come back and fight the battle later. I'm not deserting FOREVER! I just need a little hiatus from the hassling... Just a tiny little lull in the character shaping... A small pause in the healing...

Don't they give burn victims a break in between skin grafts? When someone suffers extreme trauma aren't there MULTIPLE surgeries so they can have time in between to heal? For goodness sake even this one little tooth implant they want to give me has to be done in two parts so the screw thingy holding the fake tooth in place can grow into the bone or something like that.

Alas.... there is no white sand beach in my near future.... People have said John looks a little like Vin Diesel but I'm not sure John has any little umbrellas at his disposal. So I guess it is back to the grind for this peasant. I just hope God remembers this one thing, "I'm just one girl."

"Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling." 2 Corinthians 5:2

I *heart* Karen Kingsbury!

I don't think I've written much about Karen Kingsbury in this blog. I believe it is because I don't find myself having much time for reading anymore. But I LOVE Karen Kingsbury. In fact, if I had more time, I think I'd stalk her. She is the BEST author I have ever in my life encountered. Many times, John has found me huddled in the bathroom (because I didn't want my sobs to wake him) at 2 a.m. finishing one of her books. However, last night her writing did something new for me. The sobs which emanated from me as I read weren't just sobs of empathy. They were sobs which brought waves of healing that I needed SO badly. This time her writing did not just make me feel something, her novel brought me healing. The topic at the root of the book was not something I could relate too, but every issue that spring out of that main topic hit me hard.

***I was convicted about my propensity to sit up on my high horse when I've been wronged and think how LUCKY the person who wronged me is that I extended my royal scepter and deemed to forgive their lowly butt.

***I was humbled by the reminder that no matter how sorry we are about a sin we can't go back and change it and its consequences will be endured no matter how contrite we are.

There were so many life applications I found in this novel that I literally had to sit still a few minutes after turning the last page. I was a bit stunned, and my head was spinning. God was whispering SO many things to my heart that I didn't know which one to allow my brain to settle on first. I am still in the process of working through all of this, but here is the part I wanted to share with all of you.

A few days ago I blogged about my struggle with the concept of forgiving and forgetting. Remember I talked about the salt (like our sin) being completely dissolved in water?? Well in processing the thoughts and feelings I had after this book, I came to an understanding about a new facet of forgiveness that I would like to share. Here is is.

As previously stated, I don't believe forgiveness is forgetting. I also don't believe forgiveness and healing are synonymous. I don't believe I have to be completely over a sin to forgive it. I don't believe that I have to never ever bring it up or mourn the consequences of it in order to have forgiven it. I think that forgiveness means choosing to continue loving in spite of the sin. I think that when someone hurts us we can IMMEDIATELY let go of that sin and FORGIVE. I believe that forgiveness can take place instantly. But depending upon the magnitude of the sin, it make take us a while to heal from the wound of it. It may take us a while to rebuild. But needing time to heal or slowly rebuilding these things do not indicate an absence of forgiveness and in order to heal and rebuild we must REMEMBER.

Here's my analogy:

Imagine being sinned against is like an earthquake in your life. Forgiveness is your choice to go on living. You may have lost loved ones in the earthquake. Your house may be rubble and your livelihood may be in ruins. But you make a choice to forge ahead. As you forge ahead, you may need time for the injuries you sustained to heal. Rebuilding your home and reestablishing your livelihood will not happen overnight. The pain of the loved ones you lost will sting for a very long time. However, none of these things mean that you are not going to continue on living.

When someone sins against us, we can make the choice IMMEDIATELY to forgive. We may have lost innocence or trust because of their sin. Our hearts may be rubble and our spirits may be in ruins, but we make a choice to forgive. Forgiveness isn't a magic wand that makes everything "okay." We still need time for our injuries to heal. We still need time to rebuild trust and to whittle away bitterness and anger. The pain of what was done to us will sting for a very long time. However, none of these things mean that we have not forgiven.

More then a decade ago, I was sinned against in a grievous way. What made matters worse was the sinful thing was done to me by a fellow believer in Christ. I was not just hurt by that single incident. My world was rocked by the thought, "How can part of the body of Christ DO THIS?" I was not as good at forgiving back then, and it took me awhile to get to the point that I even wanted to forgive. Yet to this day, nearly twelve years later, when I look back on that situation, I cringe a little at the memory of the devastation it wrought. I do not believe that means I did not forgive. I believe that means that I suffered a PAINFUL betrayal and the more painful the betrayal the longer it will take to heal from it.

I guess that is all I wanted to say for today.... I already feel a blog for tomorrow building in my heart... Wish I had a good teaser for it, but I don't want to give anything away...

See you tomorrow.

Full moon...

Last night as we drove home from Franklin it was so BRIGHT out! Even though it was nearly 8 p.m. and clouds were covering the full moon, it was so BRIGHT. I marveled over how much a full moon makes a difference out here in the country. At any other time of the lunar cycle if I am standing in my living room looking out my front window, it looks as if I am the only house for miles. But when there is a full moon, it is amazing! I can see ALL the way down to the end of the cul de sac in front of our house! You don't notice these things when you live in the city where streetlights (man's light) crowd out the moonlight (God's light). In the city, the wonder of a full moon passes with hardly any notice. It looks cool up there in the sky, but it doesn't really impact our existence at all. It got me thinking about that concept....

Is God playing the role of full moon in my city-dwelling life? Is He looking cool up there in the sky, but He really isn't impacting my existence at all?

Lately I've been struggling through healing some old hurts. It has been a HORRIBLE week of pain for me. The only thing I can compare it to is having a broken bone that healed improperly re-broken and set properly. It has been excruciating! Yesterday I felt God telling me to write it out, to write it ALL out. In a private place where I don't have to worry about other people telling me what they think about it, I wrote.

It was AWFUL! I hated it! I was NOT eloquent. It was not well-written or engaging. It was bare and raw and UGLY. I cried through much of the writing, and when I was done I felt icky, as if I had just taken a swim through raw sewage. I told John first thing this morning that I must have heard God wrong. That did me no good, and I wasn't going to write my way through any more of it. Then just a few hours ago, it was weird... I started to notice a feeling in my heart that had been missing for a while. I started to feel warmth where there had been numbness. I started to feel hope and love where there had been despair and fear.

God quickly called another medical situation to my mind. After I had Hannah (via c-section) I developed a horrible hematoma (it was about the size of a foot long Subway bun) underneath my incision site. The solution to that situation was the most physically painful thing I have EVER endured.... worse than all four births rolled into one. With no pain medicine administered, my doctor re-opened a small part of my incision and then for what felt like HOURS she "bled" that hematoma. She pressed and pressed and pressed on the pocket of blood until she had drained it all. It was terrible. I remember my nails digging so deeply into the palms of my hands I thought they would draw blood. For weeks after that experience with my doctor, John would have to repeat that process at home to remove the blood that continued to refill that area. Each time was a little less painful and eventually the incision site healed.

I think God called that situation to my mind because that is how this emotional healing will be. Emotionally, I think last night's private journaling was the initial draining of the hematoma. I think the first time was the worst. As I keep journaling, I will continue draining the hematoma, and it will still be painful. But each time will be better and better until full healing comes.

Back to my full moon analogy.... I think this whole week.... painful memories.... reliving traumas... new hurts revealed... last night's painful journaling... has all been a way of God moving me out of the "city" of pain and regret I've been wallowing in, so that I can abide in the country where His truth, healing, and glory don't just look pretty up in the sky but they affect my entire existence. I think that for MONTHS I have been residing in this city where I know that God is there, and I know His truth in my heart (I've know it all since I was a little girl) but because of the streetlights all around me I haven't been able to let the FULL weight of His light affect my landscape. At least that is what I'm hoping this week was, because I am NOT a fan of pain just for the sake of pain :) So I'm going to continue on. It is NOT fun! But some things just HAVE to be done. I'll continue writing in private (sorry even a bare-naked girl like me has to have SOME things which are kept to herself), and I'll keep hoping that God will move me out away from all the streetlights which are crowding out the moonlight.

A bum thumb...

A few months ago, I hyper extended my thumb. I could tell it was not broken so I did not go to the doctor; however, time would tell that I had pretty badly damaged it even if I hadn't broken a bone. I lost much mobility and almost all strength in that thumb. I was unable to bend it very far. With time it started to heal from excruciating and constant pain to a dull ache to hardly hurting at all. However, still now, three months after the injury, it is not as strong as it was, and if I bump it or jam it in a certain direction, the pain returns in waves feeling nearly as bad as it did when I first hurt it.

I jammed it at the end of last week (and then several times over the weekend... seems when it rains it pours). As the pain rushed in I thought, "DARN! That thing is just NOT better!" Now for the past few days it has been sore again, and I've taken a few steps back in strength and mobility in that thumb.

This got me thinking... some of life's emotional hurts are like that. Some of the REALLY big things, the ones that are nearly our undoing, keep on hurting for a long time. You struggle through the pain and agony. You push through trying to rehabilitate. Then without warning an unexpected jolt comes from out of nowhere stabbing deeply into the partially healed wound. It might be a flippant comment, a familiar scent which evokes an unpleasant memory, a return to the "scene of the crime," or even a memory of a time before the "injury." Immediately, it feels like you are transported back to the first moment of betrayal, loss, heart break. The pain is so intense, and you feel discouraged by the realization that you have not quite healed yet. For days after, the pulsing of pain in that area of your life reminds you that there is still restoration to be done.

I discussed this connection recently with my dear friend Christina. In late June I received a middle of the night phone call from Christina. My gut fell when she told me, "My mom is dead." Christina is just 21 years old. Her mom was just a few years older than I. A motorcycle accident claimed her life. When I shared the thumb situation with her and then compared it to a major hurt in my life, she wholeheartedly agreed with my connection between the thumb and emotional pain. She admitted that sometimes a random occurrence will transport her right back to that night she first heard the news. Her heart will explode with the pain of the announcement. For days afterward she will feel sore again almost tender to the touch.

Here's the good news, it is not for nothing. I think these "reinjuries" are akin to emotional physical therapy. It is almost like it is necessary for you to "bump that thumb" to remind you how far you've come, to begin another phase of your healing, or maybe just so that you NEVER forget that sin, betrayal, loss, heart break. So that you never forget the lessons you learned from it.

Whatever occurrence this blog brought to your mind today... whether it is the loss of a loved one, betrayal from someone who should have never let you down, or disappointment so deep it feels bottomless... know these two things:

1. He is Jehovah Rophe, the God who heals. He will continue healing that fracture in your heart.
2. Feeling and remembering the pain does NOT mean you have not made any ground. So take a second to look back at that earthquake that hit your life. Do not shy away from it. Acknowledge how far you have come in your recovery, but allow yourself to grieve it some more so that you can take another step forward towards full and complete healing.

He made it through the rain....

He kept his world protected...
He made it through the rain ...

Well today was exhausting and grueling for all involved. John left for work at 6:15 a.m. Because of his restrictions, he was not allowed to return to his regular job at his building. He was given a "light duty" assignment. This was a bit disappointing to John as he misses his building and the people there; however, eternally grateful to be earning a paycheck again and to be allowed (by MU) to return to work in spite of his restrictions, he cheerfully plodded on at the boring task of inspecting fire extinguishers all day. He returned home from work at 4 p.m. sore and wiped out, but with a smile on his face. The children (and I) FLEW into his arms, grateful to have him back after what seemed like such a long day without him. Noah said (15 minutes after waking up this morning), "This place is boring without daddy." I had to admit I agreed with him wholeheartedly.

So day number 1 is under our belts. I sometimes cannot believe that we are actually at the end of this ordeal. I know... I know... the doctors say that John may not be back to "normal" for another four months; however, I am rejoicing over semi-normal and glad to be this far.

When I look back and think of all the things we have overcome in the past eight weeks, I am in awe over the goodness of God and His people.

Jehovah Rophe: the God who heals! I vividly remember the debilitating fear over the fact that they were cutting my husbands skull open and removing part of it. I remember a point during the actual surgery when Amber left to go smoke a cigarette, and I sat there literally rocking back and forth and chanting soothing snippets of Bible verses in my head. I remember sitting there when he was unconscious and praying till I felt I would sweat blood that he would just wake up. I remember when he awoke in MISERABLE amounts of pain and I could do nothing about it. I remember not too many weeks ago fighting with him to the point of nearly killing him just to get him to wake up, get out of bed, and EAT something! The physical healing that God has already brought to this man's body boggles my mind.

Jehovah Jireh: our Provider I have taken flack for being too open about our financial strains; however, I need to bring them up once more because I really, truly do not know if people get the FULL picture of what an AMAZING miracle God has already done in that area. John and I both work; however, he brings in about 71% of our total income. So we went from 100% to 29% for the past two months. We have NO savings. In fact at the point at which he stopped being able to work, we were not even caught up on our bills. We have so far made it through two months without any services being shut off (well sorta but that was just a clerical error cuz I didn't know when it was due by), without going hungry, without being late on even one rent check.... does anyone else realize how AWESOME it is that God made 29% into 100%???? I mean SERIOUSLY now. John really and truly talked about just trying to live without the surgery because he could NOT see how we could go without his salary for that long when we were already behind to start out. He literally talked about risking his life because of money worries. God QUICKLY stamped out that silly idea by DRASTICALLY increasing his pain and symptoms and making it impossible for him to work even before the surgery was done, and then God MOVED and did some mighty and AMAZING things and we feel humbled and blessed to have been the ones to receive such a miracle. I am sorry to those who take offense at hearing these kind of details about our finances, but I cannot let a miracle of these proportions go by without proclaiming it from the mountain tops! Our God reigns in the HUGE things like giving a human being the wisdom to cut open someones brain and offer him healing from miserable symptoms and in the medium things like turning 29% salary into 100% salary for two long months and in the little things like a wonderful, beautiful little angel showing up at my door with lavender smelling frivolities to reduce my stress and make me feel like a girl again. Our God reigns!

Jehovah Shalom: my Peace. If I close my eyes I can still feel the stress from the worst part of this ordeal. I can feel the weight of the zillions of tasks I had to complete all on my own. I remember having to wake all night long to give John meds. I remember having to work and school the children and nurse John and still finish unpacking. I remember having to all of a sudden take over paying John's share of the bills too and not being sure what his ones even were. I remember sleepless nights, lying in bed with the worries of this dark valley weighing heavy on my heart like there was an elephant right there in my bedroom who had taken a seat on my chest. I remember that day driving home from the hospital after John had been discharged. I literally thought I was the one stroking out at that point. My chest was tightening, my vision was weird in my one eye, I couldn't take a deep breath. I wasn't sure if I was having those symptoms because all the stress had finally gotten to me or if the power of suggestion from him just experiencing them was playing with my head. I really and truly do NOT know how I lived through this experience. It was THE single most difficult thing I have EVER in my life had to do. I was pushed to the limits of EVERY boundary I had: physical, emotional, spiritual, mental. I fought battles with well-meaning but BRUTAL loved ones. I fought battles with friends. I fought battles with John and the kids and the devil. I do not know how to state it emphatically enough: our God is SO good. It is because of Him and Him alone that I am still alive right now.

So here I am feeling I am nearing the end of this ordeal, and I want to come up with a poignant and meaningful scripture to close with, but this is all that is going through my head right now... It's an old children's song we used to sing in Sunday school.... do you know it? Then sing it along with me:

God is so good
God is so good
God is so good
He's so good to me!

In closing, keep on praying please. Pray for:
*John's physical needs:
-ability to continue managing his pain while working
-won't overdo it at work
-will have patience until he is allowed to return to his regular position
-ability to return to his part-time job soon
*Our collective stress level:
-haggling out the details of all of these medical bills to ensure they are correct is wearing at Jami
-scheduling and rescheduling and getting to all of the remaining doctor appointments is tough
*Finances:
-still have to make it through November on the grace of God
(returning to MU gets us part of the way there hope to be back to McD and 100% salary in 2 to 3 weeks or at least by the end of November)