A perfect moment....

[DISCLAIMER: this blog will be LENGTHY.... I'm not sure it will end with a "lesson"... but I need to document it for my most important readers: John Joseph, Noah James, Jeremiah David, Elijah Daniel, and Hannah Elyzabeth. It is for them that I write. So that if at some point, I'm not here to share my heart with them (hopefully when they are OLD and GRAY.... hopefully some time after my 100th birthday.... for that is how long I plan to live) my words will live on to minister to them.]

It had been a ROUGH 24 hours.... I will start at the beginning, because I guess that's the only place to start...

Friday morning dawned a bit daunting, but nothing I haven't conquered before. Novenah arrived bringing her sickness and tearing my heart in two. I LOATHE seeing babies sick! Ugh! Their poor, tortured, sweaty-skinned,  ragged-breath selves just KILL me. We had a tough but not overly out-of-control morning. After finishing our morning lessons and getting Novenah down for a second nap, I sent the kids upstairs to get some lunch while I quick threw in a load of laundry and made some work calls in peace and quiet. Halfway through switching the wash to the dryer, I heard screams and a couple of body slams from upstairs.

Rushing up the stairs, I found mayhem and lost my patience! One boy was clutching "the family jewels" and another was red-faced from being choked. Both were FLAT on the ground. I lost it! "REALLY??? I can't ask you to do ONE self-directed task without it dissolving into WWF Smack Down?"  I was LIVID from being forced to stay upstairs and chaperon lunch preparations. I angrily did the dishes scolding the children every other minute, "Quiet!" "Get on task!" "Finish your lunch!" I needed to finish my work calls before the baby woke back up.

Finally the children finished their lunch, and we returned to the basement as a group. I resumed my laundry job and casually asked Noah a question I would later regret, "Hey, can you check if my Fedex shipment arrived yet?" After doing my bidding, he returned with news that the package had not arrived but the mail had. As I was just finishing filling the washer with a new load I heard him say, "Mom, you got a letter."

I opened the letter (actually a brief note) from afar and quickly wished I had never read it. I suppose it was meant to be informative, maybe even helpful. However, the closing line of the letter will likely tell you why it wasn't very fun to read. "Don't continue to gain a lot of weight as it is not healthy for you."  Now I don't know if many of you have ever been in the place that I find myself. Over the past few STRESSFUL years I have put on more pounds then I care to admit here publicly. I have a scale. I know exactly how much I have gained. And in spite of my crazy busy life taking care of MANY people, jobs, and tasks, I occasionally DO find time to glance in the mirror and trust me I do NOT like what I see. I also have enough of a fitness/nutrition background to know EXACTLY how unhealthy this is for me. However, all of that being said, whether it is smart or not, I am currently choosing to put caring for the MANY I love... homeschooling my babies, offering my niece child care, nursing my husband through this time of sickness, giving my aunt a place to live that is not a nursing home.... over some things I would LOVE to do: sleep, workout, eat healthier. However, in spite of KNOWING how I've gotten here and that it is of my own choosing and a result of my own actions, I live each day in fear that someone will tell me what THEY see adding a whole new level to the disgust I feel about myself. So here it was looking me RIGHT in the face: you are gaining a TON of weight Jami and people would have to be BLIND not to notice. I dissolved into tears, most of the rest of the day basically lost in a fog of depression and pain.

That wasn't the end of the icky... this morning was the first day of Youth Cheer. I was still (in spite of my icky Friday) SO excited for cheer. Yet somehow, I overslept. Then after rushing about to still get there in time, I arrived at the school and in my haste, closed Hannah's hand in the minivan door. By this point, I dissolved. I was BAWLING and a WRECK.

Hannah is fine. Her hand has a small bruise, but the injury doesn't even warrant an x-ray. I was MUCH worse off than she. I was left feeling hungover from expelling WAY too many tears over the last day. Hannah and I had a GREAT time at her first cheer practice. Those little darlings, so cute it's almost a sugar overload, could improve just about ANY day. But still I was feeling the effect of too much crying. On the way home from practice, God whispered what would be the BEST idea ever into my ear... I came home and told John, "What if we blow off chores, get some subs, and have a picnic?" I told him I had felt God telling me to pull the ones I love the most close to me and find comfort in their presence... and OHHHHH did I ever!  Did I EVER!

The weather of today PERFECTLY mirrored what happened to me.... I awoke to a DREARY day. Gray sky.  Wet streets. COLD, damp breeze. I shivered all the way to practice. While, inside the gym practicing with my adorable girls, the weather broke. The sun came out. A BEAUTIFUL, crisp, sunny, fall day was born.

And while surrounded by my babies and the man I'll love till death parts us, hope was born inside of me.  The fog of my tears cleared. The pain in my heart was soothed.

We grabbed some subs and actually ended up having a car picnic in the parking lot of the library. We spent some time checking out books and then headed home. Then followed the most PRECIOUS moment yet... sprawled in various poses of relaxation, hands hugging warm cups filled with yummy beverages, with K-love playing faintly in the background, unintentionally, not even REALIZING where I had ended up (my FAVORITE place ever) we all just read some good books.... no communication needed.... It was SUCH a perfect moment! My favorite people in the room, my favorite beverage in my hand, and my favorite activity going on.

Next time you are caught in the middle of a foggy, gray situation REMEMBER the clouds and drizzle and cold wind will only make the beauty that comes after that MUCH brighter.

Thankful Thursday....

It is Thursday, and I am THANKFUL!

Noah James Kastner 6 years old

I'm thankful for Noah James Kastner. This amazing boy of mine is growing into such a GREAT young man! In some ways I am sad that at the ripe young age of 9 years old he had to start acting like a man, helping with Daddy's meds, worrying about his Daddy's health, doing SO much work around the house. However, those very sad things have developed character in this young man that I wouldn't change for the WORLD!  Noah is wise beyond his years and more mature than many grown men I know. He loves SACRIFICIALLY, he thinks LOGISTICALLY, and he learns SPECTACULARLY. I am so unbelievably thankful for my firstborn.

Jeremiah David Kastner 5 years old

I'm thankful for Jeremiah David Kastner. He is SOOOOOOOOOOO godly-minded! Whenever I am stressed, whenever someone is sick or in pain, whenever he hears about a tragedy in the news, this boy turns IMMEDIATELY to prayer. He constantly comes up with thoughts and ideas of how things relate back to God or godly concepts. I have LONG believed that Jeremiah would end up preaching the Word of God someday, but for the FIRST time, yesterday, we were talking about "when I grow up" things, and he said, "Mom, do I go to college to be a Pastor?" WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That's MY boy!

Elijah Daniel Kastner 3 years old

I'm thankful for Elijah Daniel Kastner. He is smart and funny and just devious enough to keep it REAL. He is ALWAYS thinking, thinking, thinking. I love the way I can literally SEE his brain working through his gorgeous little eyes. He is ALSO a snuggler. In fact, many have commented that Elijah has a poor sense of personal space, but as the mom or growing boys who soon will hardly want me to give them a peck on the cheek "in front of my friends" I love that this boy is a SNUGGLER and I'm lapping up as much of that loving as I can before he gets too grown for it.

Hannah Elyzabeth Kastner 1 year old

I'm thankful for Hannah Elyzabeth Kastner. She is princess PERFECTION! I love the way she is SO into clothes and makeup and purses, but she is the ONLY child of mine who is not really afraid of ANYTHING! She will go downstairs in the dark, kill a bug, tackle a bully. But what I love the MOST about this little girl is what a servant she is! She LOVES to take care of people. She helps me give Auntie Marge her shower, helps me change Novenah, helps Daddy with his meds. That girls is just DRAWN to those who are in need, who are hungry, who are hurting... and she HELPS them.

Last but CERTAINLY not least:

I'm thankful for John Joseph Kastner. He is my rock. When I am all floopy and frantic over some injury, symptom or oddity in our children, he remains steady and calm. When I am losing my mind in the midst of STRESS, he centers me and reminds me how amazing he thinks I am. He gets up EVERY morning and goes to work in more pain than most of us could even IMAGINE. He tries his BEST to be kind and patient even when his head is pounding and his neck is spasming. He is the BEST father I have ever seen: rolling around on the floor with the kids, unabashedly having "the talk" with our boys, being these boys "best friend" yet still their authority figure, and teaching them how to repent when he has messed up.  I LOVE this man and am SO glad that God chose him to complete me.

What are YOU thankful for today? If you don't have your own blog, feel free to post your Thankful Thursday as a comment to mine. If you don't want to post your thankfulness publicly, just make sure to be THANKFUL and maybe to tell those you are thankful for why you are....

A healthy diet....

I'm warning you now: at first glance this blog will seem disjointed, but give me time, and I promise I will try to pull it together.

Part 1:  Novenah has started her journey into the world of solid foods. As I read up on the progressions she should follow and the recommendations for introducing solids, I understood them a little differently than I did when I was reading them for Noah, Jeremiah. Elijah and Hannah. See this time, I'm not the momma so I am a little removed from the situation and able to look at it a little differently. When I was the momma, I assumed that I wasn't supposed to give my baby sweets and juice and junk before he/she was _____ age because he/she would certainly DIE if I gave them something out of the recommended progressions. This time, I'm able to more clearly see that introducing single-grain cereals, then veggies, then fruit isn't so that the baby doesn't DIE, it is so the baby learns to develop a taste (and liking) for the healthy foods before developing a liking for the not so healthy foods. 

Part 2: Jeremiah got an iPod for his birthday. He LOVES that thing and walks around singing songs none of the rest of us can hear at the top of his lungs. The other day he came up to me and said, "Mom, I have a GREAT idea." Every day of the week, I'm going to listen to my regular songs on my iPod, but on Sundays I'm only going to listen to godly music."  While I applauded his devotion to giving God one day of the week, I questioned whether giving 1 day to God and 6 to himself was proportional. It is not like Jeremiah is going to DIE from listening to regular music, BUT maybe like Novenah, he should fill up on the healthy stuff FIRST before indulging in the not as healthy stuff.

Application: Maybe I need to fill up on the healthy stuff (Bible reading, prayer, worship) before I indulge in the not as healthy stuff (TV, chatting). Some of the not as healthy stuff (work stress) is unavoidable. But I guess Novenah & Jeremiah just really got me thinking that I need to watch my proportions in life. I need to work to develop a "taste" for the healthy things in life and limit my indulgence in the unhealthy things. For if I fill up on the unhealthy stuff first, I will not get enough healthy things in my "diet."

Just a little food for thought for today.... What are you filling up on?  Do you need to switch your proportions? If you have too much of a "taste" for sweets and junk foods, it will take work and discipline but you CAN retrain your "pallet" to enjoy the healthier things.  I for one am going to try.

Thankful Thursday....

Yesterday as I was running the marathon of midweek services carpool (I so did NOT miss my calling as a soccer mom), Jeremiah was ruminating on his favorite holiday.

He said, "Mom, wanna know what my favorite holiday is?"
I said, "Sure Jeremiah."
He replied, "It's a tie between Christmas - cuz that's when Jesus was born, and Easter - because that's when he rose from the dead."

[THAT child! Oh heavenly day! he grabs my gut almost every time he opens his mouth!]

I told him those were great choices, and then revealed my favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving, because I love being thankful. A short while later (alone in the van for a few brief moments) "Thankful Thursdays" popped into my head.  What a GREAT idea! Why wait to be thankful only one day a year???  So a new tradition is born. To start us out, I am posting

Top Ten Things I am Thankful for this Thursday


1. Jesus... my Jesus... He will always be the #1 thing I am thankful for. He makes ALL of the rest of these thankful things possible. He carries me when I'm weak. He holds me when I'm sad. He cheers me when I'm weary. What else can I say? I am thankful for Jesus!

2. John Joseph Kastner... What an amazing man! Really!  He IS! Hardworking, dedicated, fierce... the yin to my yang... I am thankful for John Joseph Kastner!

3. my babies... oh my babies! these children push me to my limits... they test me, try me and purify my faith.... they inspire me, encourage me and LOVE me... my children are definitely my treasure. I am thankful for my children!

4. asphalt... I am thankful for this wonderful thing called asphalt... yesterday our driveway was graded and then a nifty steamroller came and packed it down (the kids are LOVING having Bob the Builder in our front yard I tell you!) and within the next few days... ASPHALT will be poured, rolled, shoveled (I don't know or really care how they get it on there all I know is they will GET IT ON THERE!) onto our driveway. I am thankful for asphalt!

keep rollin, rollin, ROLLIN!

5. Demand Media.... in spite of the drama and the DRASTIC slow down in title availability, it is an AMAZING opportunity which has jump started my freelance writing career and for that I am grateful. I am thankful for Demand Media!


6. my new duster... this one may seem silly to you, but my allergies have been AWFUL lately. I am pretty sure it is because I haven't dusted since... ummmm idk Spring???  so last night at Walmart I bought the most AMAZING duster! under $3... it has a REMOVABLE, WASHABLE microstatic dust cover thingy... So I don't have to buy pricey refills!!!  I'm pretty sure its my favorite purchase this fall! As an added side-benefit, it has me feeling quite eco-friendly... It is EASY being green today! I am thankful for my new duster!

Look at all that DUST already!

7. cool bulletin board... One man's trash SURELY is another man's treasure! My mom did some de-cluttering and look what I got! I just love the organizational spirit behind a bulletin board! Isn't it awesome? This pic is from when we first hung it... it's MUCH fuller now... Every time I walk by it, I smile a little bit. I am thankful for my cool bulletin board.

8. my mom is HOME from Rwanda... My mom spent nearly two weeks in Rwanda ministering to the orphans and widows who are suffering from war and genocide. It was life changing and AWESOME for her and I'm glad she went, but I'm thankful my mom is HOME from Rwanda!

9. coffee... what kind of a thankful list would this be without coffee??? I have a brand new favorite mug (another one of my Momma's castoffs) and some coffee all the way from Rwanda... although truthfully haven't been able to use the coffee yet... have to get my hands on a coffee grinder (Walmart didn't have any... grrrr!) Still... I am thankful for coffee!

10. homeschooling... I am so grateful that I get to homeschool my babies. It is the BEST, most challenging thing I have ever done, and I wouldn't trade it for the world! Not gonna lie, every once in awhile I log onto the Mayville School District's website to see when "real school" starts and ends... (just dreaming y'all!) but in spite of the struggles I am SO glad I homeschool! (If you're interested, hop on over to my homeschooling blog to learn more.) I am thankful for homeschooling!


Thus ends our very first Thankful Thursday. I'd love it if you'd play along. You don't have to list 10 things, but maybe you could take a second to quickly post a comment? just ONE thing you are thankful for today... c'mon! I'm sure you can come up with ONE!










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Quick comment tutorial for the comment-impaired:

1. See that gray box down there? it is underneath my pink signature... a little further... underneath that row of pictures entitled "You might also like"... In that box it says "0 comments"... click on THAT!

2. In the box under "Leave your comment" type just ONE thing you are thankful for

3. Choose an identity... (anonymous is a PERFECTLY valid choice!)

4. Click on "Publish your comment"

5. Do not be alarmed that your comment doesn't show up right away... I have it set up so all comments require approval.

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Worship Wednesday: Better is One Day

I love this song! It gets my thoughts on Heaven, but not just that, it brings a little piece of Heaven here to earth.


How lovely is
Your dwelling place
Oh Lord Almighty,
For my soul longs
And even faints
For You
Oh, here my heart
Is satisfied (is satisfied)
Within Your presence
I sing beneath
The shadow of
Your wings


Mmmmmm beneath the shadow of His wings. What comfort there is in picturing myself there, resting, protected, safe, in the shadow of His wings.


Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere
Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere
(Than thousands elsewhere)


One day in Heaven is SO going to be better than thousands elsewhere, yet I always feel MORE when I sing this part. I feel... One day spent in worship is better than thousands spent: working, cleaning, even playing. Being in His presence just TRUMPS all!


One thing I ask,
And I would seek,
To see Your beauty
To find You in
The place Your glory dwells
(One thing I ask)
One thing I ask
And I would seek,
To see Your beauty
To find You in
The place Your glory dwells


That's really truly the ONLY think I seek... I want to see Him, find Him. I want to see Him in the gentleness of a summer breeze. I want to see Him in the fierceness of the worst winter storm. I want to see Him in my child's sweet face. I want to see Him living, breathing, and moving THROUGH me.


(My heart and flesh cry out)
My heart and flesh cry out
To You, the Living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul


I am a BIG water girl! Ask anyone. Any one of my cheerleaders.... Any one of my children... Anyone who has met me.... Jami LOVES water and Jami PREACHES:  Drink more water! Water! Water! Water!  One of my favorite stories is after a b-day party I had some leftover Kool-Aid (a sugary bunch of garbage that I don't keep in the house except for special occasions). I wanted it GONE because it was in my way. So I was trying to get Jeremiah to have a glass.  He was about 3, and he stood in the kitchen red-faced and SCREAMING at the top of his lungs, "Don't give me that KOOL-AID! I want water!"  Love it!  


God's Spirit, God's voice, His presence.... it's like water to my soul. Refreshing me, replenishing me, flushing away all my impurities.  Just like Jeremiah, I'm screaming, "Don't give me that busyness or stupid television show! I want God's presence!"


I've tasted, and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to You
I will draw near to You
To You

And there it is... the money maker... the part of the song that it's all about... I will draw near to You....  He's already there. He's already waiting. He never, ever left. I have to draw near to Him. One day in His presence is always RIGHT there waiting for me.... Will I choose to draw in??  If I do, it will be better than anything else.  So much BETTER!


Have a great day everyone!

Raising successful adults

Lately I've been thinking a lot about something my mother always tells me, "Jami, you're not raising successful children.  You're raising successful adults."  I think about it at many different times.  For example:

Jeremiah has recently taken up the annoying habit of ARGUING with everything I say.  In frustration one day, I irritatedly asked, "Why must you argue with EVERYTHING I say?"  I started pondering why he couldn't just DO WHAT I SAY without questioning me.  Then it hit me?  Is that what kind of adult I want him to be?  Do I want him unquestioningly obeying what a boss tells him to do?  What if the boss asks him to "cook the books?"  Is it even what kind of teenager I want him to be?  Do I want him unquestioningly obeying what a teacher tells him to do?  What if the teacher makes inappropriate advances towards him?  Is that what I REALLY want from my child?  DO WHAT I SAY without questioning?

That same night I called Jeremiah to me, and I told him that was not the kind of person I wanted him to be.  I wanted him to be someone who evaluated EVERYTHING in his heart against what the Bible says and came to his OWN conviction about what to do.  However, in a family, when he is a child, it is INEFFECTIVE for me to waste THAT much time arguing with him about everything I ask him to do.  Therefore, I told him each day he would start with five "argue" cards.  I continued on, explaining he needed to "spend" those argue cards wisely for when they were gone, he would not get anymore until the next day.  EACH argument should only be made after carefully considering what he was being asked to do and whether God would want him to do it and THEN choosing whether to argue or not.  I personally think this is a GREAT strategy (although I'll admit it has been a little rocky in the implementation phase).

It got me thinking, and I know that I am likely to start sounding like a radical liberal here; however.....  Why is it that so many of us, parents, expect our children to blindly obey us and then act surprised when they blindly follow their peers into sin?  Why is it that so many of us think the Bible tells us to train our children to be robots doing exactly what we tell them to instead of mature beings who can think for themselves.

I am NOT advocating anarachy.  I am NOT saying that parents should not have rules.  I am, however, proposing that possibly blind and swift obedience to our rules is not necessarily what we want.  I for one want to raise thinkers who base their choices on Biblical principles.  Therefore, I need to make sure my children KNOW the Bible and make sure I have taught them to THINK.  Finally, I have to show them how to STAND UP for what they believe.

This situation has gotten me re-evaluating MUCH of my parenting strategies in light of this one question:  Is this going to make my babies successful children or successful adults.  I have to admit:  many things are changing around this household after that scrutiny is applied.

So the next time you see me in Walmart arguing with a nine year old who wants to play in the video game room, don't raise your eyebrows and think, "Hmmmm I would NEVER tolerate such defiance."  Just lean over and ask me, "Did he pay you an argue card for that?"

One year ago...

Stitches

September 8, 2009... Some things are so fuzzy.  Some things are so clear.  I clearly remember sitting in a little vending machine alcove with Amber trying to keep our minds off what was going on in the operating room.  I hardly remember handing the kids off to my sister.  I remember Shane prayed with us before the pre-op nurse wheeled John away, but I don't remember much of what we said or did other than that..  I remember John left so quickly I didn't feel I had enough time with him and what if....  (Well you KNOW)...  What if that was the last time I saw him?  I remember how puffy he looked the first time I saw him after surgery, and I remember I cried tears of joy that he had made it through mingled with tears of sadness for how miserable he was.  I can't remember how long he was in that first ICU, but I remember the other family in the waiting room there.  I remember that their loved one wasn't expected to recover fully.  I remember eating TONS AND TONS of Noodles & Company.  I remember Amanda and Amber helping me watch the clock so we could tell John exactly how many minutes till he could press his morphine button.  I remember there was a hot male nurse Amber was sweating, but I couldn't pick him out of a line up.   And I remember the grumpy AWFUL nurse who preceded him.  I remember I hardly slept at all that week...  A few stolen winks on a family room couch... A few restless moments on an air mattress at my sister's.  I remember the AWFUL 2nd ICU, and its horrid brightness.  I remember the luxurious room we got once John got out of ICU.  I remember that it seemed we were at the hospital for years, but in reality we only spent 4 days there!  For BRAIN SURGERY! 

Daddy is my BFF

I remember tons of great nurses, doctors, therapists (most of the icky ones have faded away into fuzziness).  I remember my family and friends taking over care of the children, especially Cori caring for them EVERY spare unaccounted for minute.  I remember thinking over and over and OVER again, "The stress of all this should be killing me.  Why isn't it killing me?" I know now why...  because I was surrounded by a vast cloud of prayer.  I remember friends, family, even complete strangers blessing us with gifts, prayer, meals, food, advice, financial support.  I remember the sweetest of sweet (a little girl asking her daddy to send us 7 cents from her piggy bank), the crazy LAVISH (3 diff people gave us LARGE amounts - enough to pay the rent!), the very sacrificial (a friend whose family had struggled with unemployment for over a year slipped a folded up bill into my hand at church)....

Watchin TV in the hospital

But here it is ladies and gentlemen, what I remember the most:  He was right there with us through the whole thing.  He didn't drop the ball.  He didn't wring His hands.  He gathered us in His arms.  He buoyed us up with His people.  He healed my husband with a skillful surgeon from his tool box.  He carried us, He loved us, He provided for us, He stayed by us!

On our way home...

I don't know what you're facing today... I have friends facing foreclosure... I have a friend who just inherited FIVE children he is trying to keep together as a family.... I have friends struggling with a mysterious illness... Another struggling with the pain of divorce brought on by unfaithfulness... ALL of these needs and MORE are on my heart this morning.... A year and a half ago my heart would have felt such DEEP sadness for these situations.  Today, I feel a little sadness, but mostly I feel awe, wonder and expectation!  I know that I know that I KNOW that our God WILL come through for all of you in miraculous ways!  Just ask Him and then look for the answers.  

Last year, He pulled us through things I thought I could never make it through (a mini-stroke, being out of work for TWO MONTHS with no pay).  We hit rock bottom, time and time and TIME again last year, and we learned to cherish each and every day as a blessing from God.  I believe with all of me that He will pull you through too.  If you have a little time and want a little encouragement go back and read (or re-read) my blogs from last year:  August, September, October.... we were in the belly of the beast, and here we stand today having made it through by the grace of God.  He will get you through too!  So hang on and let Him carry you.

I'm not dead!!!!

That title is both an update and part of the lesson of this blog. I am not dead. I know I've had a long blog silence. All I can say is when you take a family of seven on vaca (even for two days) it takes a lot out of you!

Last week was Haugh Holiday. It is the day my mother and father met. When we were children, we celebrated that day by getting measured up against the closet door to see how much we had grown the past year and with a present of course (Kathi Haugh is ALL about presents ya know). Last year, we turned Haugh Holiday into a family reunion of sorts. All my parents children and grandchildren step away from the hustle and bustle of life for a little fun and a TON of bonding. This year took us to the Chula Vista resort in Wisconsin Dells and brought a lesson learned as well.

After packing up all six of us to go to the Dells and helping Auntie Marge get ready to spend a few days in Franklin, we were off to Oma and Poppa's. We measured all the grandbabies against the door and then headed out to the Machine Shed for breakfast. It was all fun and games until I blew out the pocket of my jeans. Seriously, I sat down and a tiny two inch worn spot (which was cute and trendy) turned into a foot long rip which revealed my unmentionables! A well placed jacket around the waist saved my dignity, the ripped jeans were chalked up to a GREAT story to add to the folk lore of Haugh Holiday, and on we went.

Well I don't know if it was bad luck or poor planning... (No one really thought to check all of the Spring Breaks around that state of Wisconsin.) Holy mother of pearl! That place was crowded! I have been to MANY waterparks in my lifetime, and I have NEVER seen one that was as crowded as the Chula Vista was last weekend! But the big punch it packed wasn't felt by the Kastners until much later. As we were driving home from the Dells, the itching began. Noah's legs, Jeremiah's stomach, Hannah's cutie bootie, and Elijah's whole body were assaulted with itching, the likes of which man has never seen before. We were all tired and itchy and ready to be home. As we got on I90, a teaching moment hit me from outta nowhere. I told the kids, "We are all tired, and we are all itchy from the chlorine. However, in every thing in life there is good and there is bad. We can choose to look at the good things or the bad things. That's our choice. So let's play a game!" We spent the next few miles going around the minivan taking turns listing three good things about Haugh Holiday. Time with Daddy. Time with my children. Jeremiah went on the scary ride with me. I got to spend time with my cousins. I saw The Squeakwel. We got to eat some GOOD food. I got to sleep in Riri's room. Before too long, the irritation of our itching had faded into the background and eyelids were beginning to droop. A much needed naptime commenced, and as I drove us home, I uttered a quick prayed that my children would learn the MARVELOUS lesson placed before them well. There is GOOD and BAD in EVERY situation. Focus on the good, and the bad starts to fade away.

Back to I'm not dead..... I returned from Haugh Holiday to find an avalanche of work awaiting me. It has been non-stop, long hours, many reports completed all week. We're back in one of those chaotic, "Mommy has to work a ton" times where granola bars and chips become the staple of our diet and to do items are piling up higher than dirty towels at the Chula Vista. But guess what???? The lesson of Haugh Holiday was not lost on ME! I am focusing on the positive: lots of hours = big paycheck! I have a job.....many people don't right now. The weather is BEAUTIFUL and is keeping my children busy while I work, work, work. And just like the title says, "I'm not dead!!!!!"

So come on, join the Kastner Kids. Play the game! What three things are you grateful for today? List them here! I'd love to hear them. And if you play my game, I PROMISE your situation will look a little better than it did 5 minutes ago.

God bless! And have a GREAT day!

Way better....

I wonder.... Is this kinda what Heaven will be like?

My children, sun-starved and fresh-air-deprived, from being cooped up over a long Wisconsin winter, have REVELED in the chance to play outside these past two sunshiney days. They beg to remove their coats. They run about like puppies looking for a good spot to pee. Today Jeremiah is even outside in shorts! Bikes and t-ball.... walks and kickballs.... These are the things Wisconsin kids dream of all winter long.

Today it had me thinking... Is this kinda what Heaven will be like? Now we sit Son-starved and throne-of-God deprived, cooped up in this sinful world with its heartbreak and illness, disappointment and struggle. But soon it will be spring! And we'll REVEL in walking the streets of gold! Soon we will bask in the light of His presence. Soon we'll be like excited puppies dancing in front of our Master.

Yes I think this is kinda what Heaven will be like. But it will be better then the coming of spring is to a Wisconsin kid.... WAY better.

Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, 2 Corinthians 5:2

The fog....

What is up with this DENSE fog??? Last night was AWANA, and as the time to leave approached, the kids and I looked out the window with apprehension. We could hardly see the house across the street! Jeremiah (he's my weather-phobe) kept saying, "I don't think we should go to AWANA. I don't think we should go to AWANA." But I told him we'd be fine. We'd just leave a little early and drive carefully.

We departed fifteen minutes early and made it down the drive before the uneasiness started setting in. Wow! Out here it looks even worse, I thought. I looked both ways and really couldn't even tell if there were any cars coming down my street. However, since there are RARELY if ever any cars coming down my street, in faith, I pulled out onto Nevada Heights Road. I traveled slowly towards Madison. I could barely see 25 feet in front of me. Again pausing before turning onto the road, I shot up a little prayer that there were no cars I couldn't see racing down Madison Road, and I made the left turn. The war in my mind was deafening, What in the world are you doing risking your babies' lives and limbs??? Don't be a baby! It's not that bad! Back and forth the war continued until I reached 33. About 50 yards before 33, I started becoming pretty certain that I would indeed turn around and head home. I could not imagine pulling out onto this road where people would be traveling in excess of 55 mph when I couldn't see more than MAYBE 50 feet on either side. I turned around. I admit it. I am a wuss. But don't judge me until you are transporting four of the most precious things in your life through fog as thick as pea soup!

This morning as I looked back out on the lingering fog, I still couldn't see any of the houses across the street. I knew they were there, but I couldn't see even one of them. I felt isolated and alone, like I might be the only house in this subdivision. I didn't doubt the presence of the other houses. I didn't wonder if in the night somehow they had moved. They were there. They were just covered in a thick blanket of fog. Yet still I felt alone. It got me thinking.

There are a lot of times when I can't see God. There are times when the fog of trials is so think around me that I can't see Him. I know He is there, but I can't see Him at all. I feel isolated and alone, like I might be alone in this fight. I don't doubt His presence. I don't wonder if He has left me. I know He is there. He's just covered in a thick blanket of trials. Yet still I feel all alone.

Here's the lesson for this day: our feelings, our senses, they don't always tell us the truth. I often feel worthless and like a failure. I often feel like I am all alone. I often feel like there is no hope. But all of these things are lies! I am so valuable that God sent His only Son to die for my sins [For God so loved the world (Jami Lynn Kastner) that He gave His one and only Son... John 3:16a], and in His eyes I am never a failure for the blood of Jesus covers over all my shortcomings [....the blood of Jesus, His son, purifies us from all sin... I John 1:7b]. I am never alone! NEVER! Even if my husband and children, my friends and family were all to leave me, still I would not be alone. [Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.... Psalm 23:4a] There is ALWAYS hope [On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us... 2 Corinthians 1:10].

So today remember that your feelings are not necessarily the truth. There are times to "trust your gut" but NEVER when your gut goes against God's Word. When your feelings do not line up with the Word of God, then tell your feelings to take a hike!

Letting go...

Why do I have such a hard time letting go??? I'm not really a hoarder. (Although my husband would probably disagree as he is DEFINITELY a purger extrordinaire.) I haven't been saving the jeans I wore senior year of high school hoping to fit back into them. I don't have every single solitary Sunday school project my children ever created. In fact, I actually took part in LOSING one of Jeremiah's baby teeth. The last one that fell out came out at my parents' house, and I have NO idea where it ended up. Yet still on I struggle to let go of what seems like it was never meant to be.

I pray and pray and pray for God to help me let go of my grasp on it. Yet the feelings of sadness and sorrow and longing remain. So then I start to think, "WAIT! Maybe God doesn't want me to let go. Maybe I'm supposed to persevere in hope?" So I get my hopes up a little and cling tightly to what is clearly just a vapor.... a shadow of what it used to be.

How to know? How to know? Like when you're facing a new job opportunity.... how to know what's God's will? When there are positives and negatives on BOTH sides, how do you know which way to go.

Here's the best I've come up with. It's not rocket science. In fact in some ways it's not even a choice..... WAIT. Just WAIT. When you aren't sure which path to travel, when you're unsure if you should let go or hang on, when you're singing along with the Clash, "Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay there will be trouble... If I go it will be double..." Just WAIT.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Waiting is no fun, but when you are unsure what to do I think it is the best strategy. I've been sitting on a decision since Saturday. I had the weirdest dream on Friday night that actually turned out to be creepily prophetic. I spent the day Saturday feeling a bit like I was on Sixth Sense.... I see dead people... okay the people in my dream weren't dead but it was weird to dream something and then see it come true the next day! I tried hard all weekend to figure out what this dream meant. What did God want me to do with this crazy situation? I still cannot figure out if he is telling me to proceed in faith and speak or let go and wash my hands of the situation.

I thought maybe typing this out would make my decision more clear, but it has not. So.... if you're looking for me... I'll be right here.... waiting.... He'll speak. I know He will. But His timing is not my timing. So until His time.... I will WAIT.

A beautiful morning....

Hmmmm…. What started out as a bit of a chaotic morning (John took about 4 “alarms” to get out of bed, Jeremiah awoke at 6 a.m. because the cat jumped on his pillow, Hannah awoke too early and she was C-R-A-B-B-Y, my back was SPASMING and shooting pain all the way down my left leg), had turned around quite nicely thank you (John and I read the Bible and prayed before he left for work, Jeremiah and Hannah crashed on the couch watching TMNT because they both woke too early, Elijah and Auntie Marge were still asleep, and Noah was playing PS2 so I was blissfully in silence).

I was walking down the stairs to my office carrying my third cup of “nectar from God” (that’s coffee for those of you who don’t speak Jamiese) and I thought, “What a beautiful morning! What a peaceful way to start the day! I wish every day started like this.” And all of a sudden conviction hit me so hard my coffee literally sloshed over the edge of my cup and splashed on my foot…. Is God any less great on the mornings that start out anything BUT beautiful? OUCH! As the coffee seeped into my slipper that thought seeped into my soul…

When I awaken John late, and we are racing about getting him out the door, when Hannah won’t be consoled by adolescent turtles throwing great roundhouse kicks, when the cat doesn’t just jump on someone to wake them up but pukes on their comforter and all over their p.j.s, when I stumble down the stairs with a burnt cup of “nectar from God” rushing to my puter an hour late to see what awaits me in my work inbox…. Isn’t He the same God who deserves all my praise and worship?

I know it’s tough to “Praise him in the storm.” Trust me! I know! My life has had its share of storms, and I have not always weathered them gracefully. More often than I care to admit the torrents of rain have tossed me to my knees wailing and screaming, “Why? God! Why?” But God doesn’t change. He isn’t any different. Whether you are standing at the altar pledging your heart till “death do us part” or hunched over a coffin saying goodbye until we meet again…. whether you are rolling in the dough or scraping together $2.63 to put just one gallon of gas in your car and praying you'll make it to your destination.... whether you are healthy and well or sick and infirm... HE IS STILL GOD! He is still on the throne. He is still in control. He is still worthy of your praise and worship.

Let that seep into your slipper today. Mull it over and drink it in. Wherever you are this morning: at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

The yarn tangle....

It started before Christmas. We were talking with the kids about how it would likely be a tight Christmas. Jeremiah said, "Maybe you could give me something you made yourself! Like a sweater!" We chuckled about that because I am in NO WAY capable of making a sweater, but then I started thinking. I used to know how to crochet. It can't be that difficult to pick up again. I set out on an adventure crocheting scarves for the children. It morphed into crocheting scarves for my step-daughters and their boyfriends, and then one for my cousin's baby and my sister. By Christmas I had crocheted 11 scarves!

I realized that in this season of my life crocheting is very good for me. It is very therapeutic. There is something about the repetitiveness of it that is soothing. It also makes me feel productive at the exact same time I am sitting still getting some much needed rest and relaxation. Finally, it actually relaxes me so much that it puts me to sleep. John has made fun of me several times for actually falling asleep sitting up in the recliner with my crocheting in my lap. He says I am SO an elderly person now.

Well, always one to think a little more highly of me than I deserve, my husband returned home from work one day and asked, "Can you make my boss a scarf by tomorrow?" I laughed and said maybe I could get one done in two days but not by the next morning. I asked what color and he said, "Navy." Navy.... oh navy....

I picked up the navy skein of yarn I had in my yarn box and started on the scarf; however, just a few rows into the project, I encountered a tangle of epic proportions. Now to my knowledge I am not aware of anyone rolling around in this particular skein of yarn, so I have NO idea how it got so tangled, but it was BAD! I spent all of my crocheting time for about two days trying to untangle this thing. It was frustrating. It was hard. Several times I wanted to just give up and toss the thing in the trash. But I was DETERMINED not to let this yarn tangle win. So on I fought.

I kept thinking surely as I get closer and closer to the end of this escapade it will get easier... surely if I just get a little more untangled I will be able to breeze through the last bits of the tangle. But no dice! From the beginning of that struggle all the way through to the end it was ARDUOUS! That tangle was like the monster tangle from hell itself. I have never felt relief like I felt when I finally got through the end of that thing and was left with just a neat little ball of yarn. I had conquered the tangle and the heady feeling of accomplishment was a great high.

I've been thinking about that yarn tangle a lot lately. Struggles in life can be a lot like that monster yarn tangle. They can be HARD! Sometimes we think if we can just get a little further through that bad boy, it will get easier. Or maybe we get irritated with ourselves, "Surely I should have this down pat by now. I've been dealing with the intricacies of this struggle for so long. I should be able to plow through this." But guess what sometimes struggles are just a BEAR! No matter how long we have been at them, they are just as tough as they were in the beginning. Some trials we face just don't get easier to handle with time. Some things we have to make it through are just tough 100% of the time. I LOVE the Casting Crowns song Praise You in the Storm. For almost 4 years now this part of the lyrics has been hitting me SQUARE in the chest:

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining....

There are struggles in our life that seem to go on forever. We get tired of fighting through them. Sometimes I feel other people even get tired of hearing about them. They (and we) think, "Come on! Get through this already! It should NOT be taking this long!" But God's timing is not our timing, and His ways are not our ways....

These never-ending type struggles, for whatever reason, don't seem to be any easier years down the road then they were when they first started. They are just as tangled and knotted as they were when we first encountered them. But guess what? There is an end! Even if it is not in sight. There is a way! He can make it. Eventually (even if it's not until you make it to Heaven) you will get through that tangle and make it to that neat little ball of yarn. And OH the triumph, oh the glory, oh the feeling of accomplishment when that struggle is behind you!

So don't give up! Fight on! Be a stubborn little brat. Cling to your fight like a 2-year old clings to the sucker her brother is trying to steal. Be tenacious! Who cares how long it takes? Who cares if others don't want to hear about your struggle anymore? You focus on God and buckle down and fight through that tangle with all you have got! I promise you, there IS a reward waiting at the end, and no matter how long it takes you to get there, you will be BLESSED for not giving up.

Happy untangling!

An open Thank You to all of our Christmas Angels

This Christmas, the one which closed out the most difficult year in the history of the Kastner family, was the best Christmas we have EVER had. Thanks entirely to the generosity of God's Christmas Angels, the Kastner children had a better Christmas then they have ever had before.

As Christmas approached, John and I started to realize that we might not be able to give the children any Christmas gifts this year. God was so generously providing for our needs during this time; however, we weren't sure presents would qualify as a need. So many had given us generous gifts, and we were sure God would get us through the rest of this trial with food in our bellies and a roof over our heads; however, we did not at all anticipate the "cherry on top of the sundae" He would provide. We gently began to prepare the children for this reality. Jeremiah so wise beyond his years said, "That's okay mom. I have everything I need in this wonderful family."

But then in a gesture designed solely to show us how much He loves us. In a totally unnecessary and purely lavish act, God impressed upon Christmas Angels to bless us. First from New Mexico arrived the presents Santa "accidentally delivered" to the wrong place. Then the cafeteria ladies from John's building sent home a ridiculous amount of loot for the children. Finally, we were contacted by our church and told a family from the community would like to provide presents for our Christmas. And of course there were the typical GOBS of presents the children are always blessed with from Oma, Poppa, and Riri. We were blessed beyond measure with an AMAZING Christmas. While I am eternally grateful for the smiles on the faces of our children and the joy in their hearts over all the Christmas presents they received, it is for the intangible, everlasting gifts that I am most grateful. Our children learned lessons of generosity and kindness that I do not think they will ever forget. Through the gifts of our Christmas Angels, our children learned that God doesn't just care for their needs He cares for their wants too. Through the gifts of our Christmas Angels, our children were inspired, and they are already saving some of their allowance for next Christmas so they can bless a family just like we were blessed.

John and I were humbled to the point of tears over the charitable gifts we were given this Christmas (and actually since the beginning of this ordeal), but it is not for the tangible things that I am finding myself most grateful. I am finding myself most grateful that my children know, I mean REALLY know, that God will always provide for them. That they have learned to depend on Him and Him alone for all their needs. That they have learned to be humble and generous and to always look for ways to bless others. Truly this brain surgery, this entire year.... what Satan had crafted to be the destruction of this family and our faith has become our greatest triumph. We are stronger than we were at the beginning of 2009 and we will NEVER let go of the faith that got us through all of this.

Thank you to ALL of our Angels (Christmas, Fall, rent, and food Angels). We are truly blessed because of you.

Thankful Blog Part 3 - My Children

All I ever wanted to be was a Momma and a Wife. I went to college, had a career, but all along I was really hoping someone would marry me and make me a Momma. I laughed with WILD abandon at the movie 27 Dresses. While I didn't have quite 27 to my credit, I did have one summer where I was a bridesmaid in 3 weddings. WOWZER! It did for sure seem I would be "always a bridesmaid and never a bride." Then with lightening speed I met this man who fit my one and only, sole qualification: he loved Jesus. We married within 10 months and just 17 months after we married.... VOILA! I became a momma. It has been the most amazing, wonderful, excruciating, incredible experience I have EVER undertaken. It is everything I hoped of and everything I never realized it would be.

The one overarching thing I am most thankful for with regards to my children is how deeply, genuinely, and completely they love Jesus. It is amazing to me. Nine times out of ten, these children are the FIRST to say, "We should pray about that." They LOVE to go to Sunday school and AWANA. They just love Jesus. Jeremiah recently had this conversation with me,

"Mom I love you so much."
"I love you too baby."
"I love Jesus a lot too."
"I know you do baby."
"Is it okay if I love Jesus more than I love you."
"Absolutely Jeremiah. You should NEVER love anyone more than you love Jesus."
"Okay. Good."

Then from that point on he would frequently tell me and his siblings, "I love mom but I love Jesus more. You have to love Jesus more." Precious.

My time is quickly slipping away as we have to pack up our baked goodies and travel the hour into town for the Road Rally and Grand Feast, but I want to quickly mention a few more things for which I am thankful with regards to these children:

Noah James... my firstborn - I am grateful that this boy is so fiercely protective of his brothers, his baby sister, his momma, and actually any child or baby he meets. Our friends Brad & Amanda have a new baby and the few times she has been at our house, Noah follows her around making sure she doesn't get near the stairs, fall off a chair, or get into a toy which is not safe for her. This boy he is such a protector at heart. I am grateful for how completely he "gets" the things of God and desires to take in more and more knowledge about Him. I am grateful to this child for turning me into a mom.

Jeremiah David.... my sensitive one - This child sense when I am sad. He runs to comfort me if I cry. This summer was a tough one for this family and every time I dissolved into tears, I could count on his arms being quickly wrapped around my neck and his asking, "Mom can I pray for you?" That's the second thing: this child LOVES to pray for people. Everything that concerns him... every hurt he sees.... every need that occurs.... he takes to his God in prayer. I am thankful for how responsible and orderly Jeremiah is. If you ask Jeremiah to do something, if you give him a set of instructions to follow, you can count on the fact that every single i will be dotted and every single t will be crossed. I love that this boy has such a soft and moldable heart. If he is caught in a sin, he is QUICK to confess and make reparations. I am grateful to this child for making my job as a mom a little easier.

Elijah Daniel.... my oopsie baby - I always tell Elijah he is the best surprise God ever gave me. I joke that a child who was conceived in spite of TWO forms of birth control was destine to be resourceful, scrappy, determined. This boy is all of those things and some. My best parenting stories all stem from him: broken toilets - him, butter spread in the windowsill - him, poop in the stuffed Elmo's mouth - him... Elijah has given me most of my gray hair, but every time he ends up in one of his escapades I think of what my wise Momma always tells me, "You are not raising successful children. You are raising successful adults." And that resourcefulness will do him VERY well as an adult. I am thankful for this child's brain. I can frequently "see" it working behind those gorgeous eyes fringed in ridiculously long eyelashes. I am thankful for how energetically he attacks EVERYTHING in life. I am even grateful for how he knows EVERYTHING. I am grateful to this child for keeping me on my toes.

Hannah Elyzabeth... my little princess - I am thankful that God gave me a pretty little dollop of frosting on top of this amazing cake of children I have. She is EVERYTHING I hoped a girl would be: tender and tough, frilly and fierce.... part princess, part linebacker. I am thankful that God gave her imperfect eyes for it keeps her real. I am thankful that she is a little bit of each of her brothers: protective like Noah, sensitive like Jeremiah, impish like Elijah.... and yet COMPLETELY her own.... I have never seen a 3 year old who can command such attention from 3 older boys.... that little girl is like Hitler! She controls her brothers better than I do. Oh and I saved the best for last: If you ask Hannah what she wants to be when she grows up.... she says, "A cheerleader!" Perfection! I am grateful to this little girl for being my best buddy forever (pinky swear).

I can't end a blog about my children without a quick shout out to my step-babies. You know regretfully I don't know them as well as I wish I did. The past corrupted the present making the future very difficult to navigate. I, ever the optimist, am prayerful that God will continue doing His redeeming, healing work in their relationships with their daddy and the rest of us, and I am very grateful for the chance to be a part (no matter how small or big) of their lives.

Alex Joseph - I am grateful that he is a strong, brave, responsible man. I am grateful to him for sacrificing being with his beloved bride and his beautiful new children to travel across the ocean and fight to protect our freedoms.

Amanda Gene - I am grateful for Amanda's loving, giving, sacrificial heart. And this Thanksgiving I am grateful for the budding relationship I see growing between her and her daddy. God can do amazing things if you let Him and I am grateful that Amanda is letting him.

Amber Jade - I am grateful for this girl's spunk! This girl is scrappy and tough and (while this is slightly off topic) the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. My favorite story about Amber is one John LOVES to tell. She was young (idk maybe 3 or 4) and he took her to Chuck E. Cheese. Some kid tried to skip her on a ride and she hauled off and punched him in the face. Life will NOT take advantage of this girl and I am excited to see the woman she is going to become. I see her taking on life just like that kid at Chuck E. Cheese. It better not try to skip her or it will pay the price.

This Thanksgiving I am eternally grateful that God gave me what I wanted, sevenfold. I am the momma to 4 amazing children and the step-mother to 3 incredible adults. Thank you Jesus!

Update/Blog Combo

FINALLY! an update from the Kastners! Sorry it's been so long. You'll see why in a bit.

Lessons from Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard

I went to the mud room this afternoon to get some mac & cheese to make for lunch. My heart skipped a beat when I noticed my pantry is getting a little bare. It's not bad, but for the past few months due to the kindness of God's people my pantry has been OVERFLOWING with food. I'm not so sure exactly why, but as a mom, I always feel so secure when the cupboards and fridge are full. Somehow I feel I am in a much better place to care for my family when the cupboards have food. The sight of my supplies starting to dwindle made my heart skip a beat, but only for a second. You see I am really and truly a changed person. John isn't the only one whose entire existence was rocked by this brain surgery.

If you've known the Kastners for long at all, you know that we have struggled for about four years through a DEEP and DARK valley of financial destruction. Bad choices from many years ago, circumstances beyond our control, and just regular life have been conspiring to make for LEAN times for the Kastners. So when we stood on the threshold of this brain surgery escapade knowing that John would be out of work without pay for at least 2 months, I was thinking, "Seriously God? Seriously?" I mean we have barely been making it with John working two jobs. We have survived for over four years SOLELY on the grace of God and the goodness of His people. I suppose that should have made me a BETTER candidate for this Survivor-like escapade of my husband going without a salary for two months, but it really didn't. Now... here... nearing the end of this adventure... I can honestly say to you, I am a changed person. I am not the Jami who stood on that threshold eight weeks ago.

Last week Wednesday night, John and I were discussing what we've been reading in our Bibles the past week. As we talked, the subject of rent came up. He admitted that he was very scared. (I was too.) Facing a third month with no way to pay the rent was making our knees knock a little. But I told him that even though I was a little scared, I REFUSED to doubt. God had miraculously brought us this far, and He was NOT going to drop us now. The very next morning, THE VERY NEXT MORNING, I received a phone call informing us that someone would be paying our November rent for us. They wanted to call right away once God laid it upon their heart to do so, because they wanted to alleviate any worry that might occur between the time they sent the check and the time we received it.

So as I walked into the mud room today and caught sight of my not as full pantry, in the time it took for my heart to skip a beat, in those moments before worry could even take hold, I realized: I am NOT who I was eight weeks ago. I am a changed person. I am a person who realizes that a millisecond of fear is NOT doubt. I am a person who realizes that she must STOP the freight train of worry the SECOND she hears it coming down the tracks. I am a person who KNOWS beyond a SHADOW of a doubt that her God is big enough for ANYTHING she faces. ANYTHING!


Updates:

Kids: yups they've been moved up to first on the list this week. We have been fighting a VICIOUS virus here. I got it first and had it for about 8 or 9 days. During that time Elijah succumbed. Most recent on the list of victims was Jeremiah. He started vomiting yesterday morning and last night he gave us a REAL good scare with a pretty decent fever. It hit its height at 104.1 and then FINALLY broke. As hermit-like homeschoolers with a telecommuting mom, we RARELY get sick any more so I was a bit at a loss for what to do. Couldn't even remember how to treat a fever. YIKES! Today I ran into town for some supplies and I am ready and prepared should Noah and/or Hannah be the next in line. Please pray for:

Me - some sleep!!!!!
Elijah - NO secondary infections from this virus
Jeremiah - to kick the last bit of the fever from his body
John, Noah & Hannah - to resist this bug

John:
He is feeling better. The dark side to that is he is starting to forget that he is not 100% whole. Last week he picked up Elijah (he's still under a 10 pound lifting restriction) and paid the price for two days. He strained his neck muscles and suffered a little set back in the pain area. Then yesterday he did it again. He picked Noah up. So the dark side to being better is that he's starting to forget he's not completely himself. Please pray.

Tomorrow John starts physical therapy to relieve some of the tightness in his neck and increase his ability to turn his head. This is KEY to him being able to drive again. So please pray for its effectiveness to be multiplied greatly.

Return to work: the goal is still Monday 10/26. Tomorrow we contact the doctor to find out if this goal can become reality. Please pray! He is VERY anxious to return to earning a living (as am I) BUT I really don't want him pushing himself to return if his body is not up to it.

Finances:
As I indicated above, our November rent is covered (PRAISE THE LORD!) However, there are other big bills on the horizon and pay checks won't be coming for a little bit. Please pray. We are trying to figure out how to pay a large electric bill (this is a catch up month because the house had been vacant for so long and estimates were at unoccupied levels) and also how to get some propane in our tank soon. We are actually trying to apply for energy assistance. Never done this before... not sure it will work.... there is A LOT of paper work I have to get together in a VERY short time and one problem is we can't establish propane usage as we have no account yet for propane and as no one has used much propane in this house for over a year and a half as it has been vacant. I know that these are MINOR hurdles for our God, but please pray about them anyway.

Medical bills are starting to pour in and they aren't that astronomical (we have pretty good insurance), but they are confusing and I am having to spend A LOT of time insuring we aren't being over charged. Also they are starting to add up... Again: I'm a changed person. This isn't worry I express, simply request for prayer....

Again I am sorry it has been so long since I posted an update. It has been a crazy week here adding sickness into this other circus we have going here. Thank you SO much for continuing to keep the Kastners in your prayers.

Uncle...

I'm crying, "Uncle!" I have to! I can't take much more!!!!!

John: Well today was another bad day. He slept most of the day and hardly got out of bed. His headache is excruciating which is exhausting him. He did (from bed) work on some schoolwork with the children. However, he hasn't eaten much and I keep finding him moaning and holding his head. It seems I cannot state often enough: John is RARELY conscious these days. When he does have moments of lucidity, he typically spends them interacting with the children. The extent of my communication with him is usually, "What can I get for you honey?" or "When is the last time you gave me pain meds babe?" MANY keep commenting that he, "is not answering his phone...." or that he "is not returning my calls." rest assured you are in good company because he is not conversing on the phone AT ALL right now. He is hardly conversing with those he lives with. I beg of all of you, PLEASE understand that he is not in any condition to be returning phone calls in a timely manner.... not to ANYONE. I am trying my best to keep up with all communication for him, but as you will see in the portion of the update about me, I am ready to throw in the towel I am so overwhelmed right now.

Children: They are really not doing too terribly for those whose family has been through what ours is going through; however, the stress is starting to show in some areas. Some (who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty) are MUCH more whiny than typical, some are more aggressive than typical, some have actually reclaimed lost territory in the area of potty training regression (that has been a tiny little miracle), but ALL are desperately in need of some normalcy and to be able to be their old LOUD and ROWDY selves for a little while. In spite of the extreme circumstances around here, school has been going VERY well. Noah and Jeremiah have been making INCREDIBLE strides in penmanship and math! Elijah is proving himself to be a little math whiz tackling his new curriculum voraciously. Hannah is learning her alphabet VERY well and keeps begging to start on our phonics program. ALL are tearing up the AWANA books! Noah recited 7 sections at TNT last night!!! Hannah already earned a patch and last night she did her required section as well as 2 makeup sections. So educationally we are ON IT!

Jami: Oh pray for Jami! Pray HARD for Jami! I am really, really, really standing close to the ledge and am very tempted to JUMP! Today was a bad, bad day. In spite of the fact that I got 7 hours of sleep last night (for the first time in at least 3 weeks), I did NOT have a great day. In one 24-hour period I took on more work than I took on all of last week. That is GREAT!!! because work = $$$.... BUT difficult because John had a bad day and I was left to try to juggle a long day of work, school, and caring for him all by myself. The kids seemed to get rowdier and rowdier in direct correlation to the crescendo of my headache pain. It is now 5:06 p.m. (I was waiting for one more call for work that never came) and NOW I am finishing this blog while there is NO dinner ready and I have NO energy to make any. The upstairs is pretty much in order, but the downstairs.... well while I was working today the kids were trashing the downstairs. I need to get a few more night's sleep under my belt to get rid of this continual headache. I need to take a walk and get some exercise. I need to get my house cleaned and make a few more meals to freeze and finish the laundry and grade papers and plan tomorrow's lessons and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SEE why I wanna JUMP!

How you can help:
1. Please, please, please PRAY! Pray for John. Pray that his good days start coming in 2's and the bad days stop coming. Not only am I exhausted from holding down the fort all by my lonesome, but I miss my best friend! Pray for the children. Pray that they can just tone it down and lower the volume a bit longer so that John (and I) can make it through the headaches. Pray for me. Pray that I don't throw in the towel. That I somehow superhumanly find the strength to cook, clean, teach, work, and LOVE all while getting little to no sleep.

2. Please do the very best you can to get caught up on John's condition via one of the electronic modes we are using: Twitter, Facebook, Blogger. It is VERY time consuming to have to individually update multiple people everyday. I get multiple calls/e-mails/texts in a day asking me how John is doing. It is very hard to answer all of these in a timely manner. So please visit this site or stay in tune on Twitter or Facebook in order to relieve a little of my stress. That being said we do feel a bit lonely out here in the boonies, so PLEASE do not stop attempting to communicate with us, but understand that we are not going to be able to answer every phone call, text, e-mail. Pretty much this is a one-man show up here (ME) and I am about at the end of myself with things to do. So please keep the encouraging messages, e-mails, and texts coming. We need them badly! We need to know that people are out there thinking of us and praying for us, but please understand we (and by we I fully mean I.... for John is completely unable to assist me in responding to any one's queries) just don't have enough time in the day for personal replies to each inquiry.

3. If you have a second, please send John a quick get well wish. When he is conscious he typically asks me to check his facebook and e-mail for him. Then when we find nothing but SPAM he gets discouraged. So if you could please do me a quick favor. Stop for a second and send him an e-mail: jkastner3@gmail.com I would REALLY appreciate it.

Okay well I'm going upstairs now to find something I can quick throw together and call dinner. Then I think I will try to sneak into my closet, shut the door for COMPLETE darkness, and cry for a little while. Tears are soothing sometimes.

Peace out everyone!