One year ago...

Stitches

September 8, 2009... Some things are so fuzzy.  Some things are so clear.  I clearly remember sitting in a little vending machine alcove with Amber trying to keep our minds off what was going on in the operating room.  I hardly remember handing the kids off to my sister.  I remember Shane prayed with us before the pre-op nurse wheeled John away, but I don't remember much of what we said or did other than that..  I remember John left so quickly I didn't feel I had enough time with him and what if....  (Well you KNOW)...  What if that was the last time I saw him?  I remember how puffy he looked the first time I saw him after surgery, and I remember I cried tears of joy that he had made it through mingled with tears of sadness for how miserable he was.  I can't remember how long he was in that first ICU, but I remember the other family in the waiting room there.  I remember that their loved one wasn't expected to recover fully.  I remember eating TONS AND TONS of Noodles & Company.  I remember Amanda and Amber helping me watch the clock so we could tell John exactly how many minutes till he could press his morphine button.  I remember there was a hot male nurse Amber was sweating, but I couldn't pick him out of a line up.   And I remember the grumpy AWFUL nurse who preceded him.  I remember I hardly slept at all that week...  A few stolen winks on a family room couch... A few restless moments on an air mattress at my sister's.  I remember the AWFUL 2nd ICU, and its horrid brightness.  I remember the luxurious room we got once John got out of ICU.  I remember that it seemed we were at the hospital for years, but in reality we only spent 4 days there!  For BRAIN SURGERY! 

Daddy is my BFF

I remember tons of great nurses, doctors, therapists (most of the icky ones have faded away into fuzziness).  I remember my family and friends taking over care of the children, especially Cori caring for them EVERY spare unaccounted for minute.  I remember thinking over and over and OVER again, "The stress of all this should be killing me.  Why isn't it killing me?" I know now why...  because I was surrounded by a vast cloud of prayer.  I remember friends, family, even complete strangers blessing us with gifts, prayer, meals, food, advice, financial support.  I remember the sweetest of sweet (a little girl asking her daddy to send us 7 cents from her piggy bank), the crazy LAVISH (3 diff people gave us LARGE amounts - enough to pay the rent!), the very sacrificial (a friend whose family had struggled with unemployment for over a year slipped a folded up bill into my hand at church)....

Watchin TV in the hospital

But here it is ladies and gentlemen, what I remember the most:  He was right there with us through the whole thing.  He didn't drop the ball.  He didn't wring His hands.  He gathered us in His arms.  He buoyed us up with His people.  He healed my husband with a skillful surgeon from his tool box.  He carried us, He loved us, He provided for us, He stayed by us!

On our way home...

I don't know what you're facing today... I have friends facing foreclosure... I have a friend who just inherited FIVE children he is trying to keep together as a family.... I have friends struggling with a mysterious illness... Another struggling with the pain of divorce brought on by unfaithfulness... ALL of these needs and MORE are on my heart this morning.... A year and a half ago my heart would have felt such DEEP sadness for these situations.  Today, I feel a little sadness, but mostly I feel awe, wonder and expectation!  I know that I know that I KNOW that our God WILL come through for all of you in miraculous ways!  Just ask Him and then look for the answers.  

Last year, He pulled us through things I thought I could never make it through (a mini-stroke, being out of work for TWO MONTHS with no pay).  We hit rock bottom, time and time and TIME again last year, and we learned to cherish each and every day as a blessing from God.  I believe with all of me that He will pull you through too.  If you have a little time and want a little encouragement go back and read (or re-read) my blogs from last year:  August, September, October.... we were in the belly of the beast, and here we stand today having made it through by the grace of God.  He will get you through too!  So hang on and let Him carry you.

Update and a little inspiration.....

Well... John returned to work yesterday. It went fine, but on Mondays he only has to work the one job (MU) so today will be the real test. He plans to return to McD tonight.

Last night he climbed into bed, and there was NO winding down... before the opening credits of our episode of The Office were done, he was ZONKED! So I'm thinking he was a little tired from returning to work at ONE JOB. Tonight I better use my killer spotting techniques as he may not even make it to the bed before falling asleep!

Switching up his meds and increasing the pain killers along with lots of rest and heat/ice therapy has gotten him to the point where he can function again. However, his pain is still at a much higher level than we'd like it to be. Please continue to pray for his stamina. The pain wears him out A LOT. He is drained from just the simple tasks of a normal day. Also continue to pray about the discouragement. He is VERY down and struggling with despair over not being able to get past this. Finally, of course pray for healing... While we recognize that he very well COULD be like this the rest of his life, we refuse to accept that as the end. Our God raised the dead! Our God parted the Red Sea! Our God turned water into wine! What are a few spasmed neck muscles, excruciating headaches, and significant exhaustion to Him?????

So we're still here... hanging on... we had a LOVELY evening last night with two beautiful angels and their guys. Amanda and Amber came to celebrate Father's Day with a cookout at our house. We had a very nice dinner and then watched RV. However, our evening was cut short by the severe weather. They had to skirt out of here QUICK to beat the storms. While the storms did leave me feeling jilted and neglected (we got NOTHING out here in Dodge county! just a little thunder and lightening... no tornadoes... no hail... no hurricane force winds... BLECH!), they were also a good reminder to me. My God created this whole universe. He is bigger and stronger than the tornado that ripped through Eagle last night. He holds the power of those lightening strikes in the palm of His hand. He holds back the rain and sends it forth. I take comfort in knowing my Heavenly Father is THAT big and THAT powerful.

Hope you do too....

Thankful Blog Part 3 - My Children

All I ever wanted to be was a Momma and a Wife. I went to college, had a career, but all along I was really hoping someone would marry me and make me a Momma. I laughed with WILD abandon at the movie 27 Dresses. While I didn't have quite 27 to my credit, I did have one summer where I was a bridesmaid in 3 weddings. WOWZER! It did for sure seem I would be "always a bridesmaid and never a bride." Then with lightening speed I met this man who fit my one and only, sole qualification: he loved Jesus. We married within 10 months and just 17 months after we married.... VOILA! I became a momma. It has been the most amazing, wonderful, excruciating, incredible experience I have EVER undertaken. It is everything I hoped of and everything I never realized it would be.

The one overarching thing I am most thankful for with regards to my children is how deeply, genuinely, and completely they love Jesus. It is amazing to me. Nine times out of ten, these children are the FIRST to say, "We should pray about that." They LOVE to go to Sunday school and AWANA. They just love Jesus. Jeremiah recently had this conversation with me,

"Mom I love you so much."
"I love you too baby."
"I love Jesus a lot too."
"I know you do baby."
"Is it okay if I love Jesus more than I love you."
"Absolutely Jeremiah. You should NEVER love anyone more than you love Jesus."
"Okay. Good."

Then from that point on he would frequently tell me and his siblings, "I love mom but I love Jesus more. You have to love Jesus more." Precious.

My time is quickly slipping away as we have to pack up our baked goodies and travel the hour into town for the Road Rally and Grand Feast, but I want to quickly mention a few more things for which I am thankful with regards to these children:

Noah James... my firstborn - I am grateful that this boy is so fiercely protective of his brothers, his baby sister, his momma, and actually any child or baby he meets. Our friends Brad & Amanda have a new baby and the few times she has been at our house, Noah follows her around making sure she doesn't get near the stairs, fall off a chair, or get into a toy which is not safe for her. This boy he is such a protector at heart. I am grateful for how completely he "gets" the things of God and desires to take in more and more knowledge about Him. I am grateful to this child for turning me into a mom.

Jeremiah David.... my sensitive one - This child sense when I am sad. He runs to comfort me if I cry. This summer was a tough one for this family and every time I dissolved into tears, I could count on his arms being quickly wrapped around my neck and his asking, "Mom can I pray for you?" That's the second thing: this child LOVES to pray for people. Everything that concerns him... every hurt he sees.... every need that occurs.... he takes to his God in prayer. I am thankful for how responsible and orderly Jeremiah is. If you ask Jeremiah to do something, if you give him a set of instructions to follow, you can count on the fact that every single i will be dotted and every single t will be crossed. I love that this boy has such a soft and moldable heart. If he is caught in a sin, he is QUICK to confess and make reparations. I am grateful to this child for making my job as a mom a little easier.

Elijah Daniel.... my oopsie baby - I always tell Elijah he is the best surprise God ever gave me. I joke that a child who was conceived in spite of TWO forms of birth control was destine to be resourceful, scrappy, determined. This boy is all of those things and some. My best parenting stories all stem from him: broken toilets - him, butter spread in the windowsill - him, poop in the stuffed Elmo's mouth - him... Elijah has given me most of my gray hair, but every time he ends up in one of his escapades I think of what my wise Momma always tells me, "You are not raising successful children. You are raising successful adults." And that resourcefulness will do him VERY well as an adult. I am thankful for this child's brain. I can frequently "see" it working behind those gorgeous eyes fringed in ridiculously long eyelashes. I am thankful for how energetically he attacks EVERYTHING in life. I am even grateful for how he knows EVERYTHING. I am grateful to this child for keeping me on my toes.

Hannah Elyzabeth... my little princess - I am thankful that God gave me a pretty little dollop of frosting on top of this amazing cake of children I have. She is EVERYTHING I hoped a girl would be: tender and tough, frilly and fierce.... part princess, part linebacker. I am thankful that God gave her imperfect eyes for it keeps her real. I am thankful that she is a little bit of each of her brothers: protective like Noah, sensitive like Jeremiah, impish like Elijah.... and yet COMPLETELY her own.... I have never seen a 3 year old who can command such attention from 3 older boys.... that little girl is like Hitler! She controls her brothers better than I do. Oh and I saved the best for last: If you ask Hannah what she wants to be when she grows up.... she says, "A cheerleader!" Perfection! I am grateful to this little girl for being my best buddy forever (pinky swear).

I can't end a blog about my children without a quick shout out to my step-babies. You know regretfully I don't know them as well as I wish I did. The past corrupted the present making the future very difficult to navigate. I, ever the optimist, am prayerful that God will continue doing His redeeming, healing work in their relationships with their daddy and the rest of us, and I am very grateful for the chance to be a part (no matter how small or big) of their lives.

Alex Joseph - I am grateful that he is a strong, brave, responsible man. I am grateful to him for sacrificing being with his beloved bride and his beautiful new children to travel across the ocean and fight to protect our freedoms.

Amanda Gene - I am grateful for Amanda's loving, giving, sacrificial heart. And this Thanksgiving I am grateful for the budding relationship I see growing between her and her daddy. God can do amazing things if you let Him and I am grateful that Amanda is letting him.

Amber Jade - I am grateful for this girl's spunk! This girl is scrappy and tough and (while this is slightly off topic) the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. My favorite story about Amber is one John LOVES to tell. She was young (idk maybe 3 or 4) and he took her to Chuck E. Cheese. Some kid tried to skip her on a ride and she hauled off and punched him in the face. Life will NOT take advantage of this girl and I am excited to see the woman she is going to become. I see her taking on life just like that kid at Chuck E. Cheese. It better not try to skip her or it will pay the price.

This Thanksgiving I am eternally grateful that God gave me what I wanted, sevenfold. I am the momma to 4 amazing children and the step-mother to 3 incredible adults. Thank you Jesus!

Please pray for John....

Well they moved us out of the Neuro ICU and up to a different ICU (I think it said surgical ICU). They said it is because he is so stable, but I feel like we've been banished. This room is TEENY, TINY. It has this horrible window that has no shade or drape and it is way TOO bright in here. John's headache has worsened significantly, and the light is exacerbating the problem. I put a folded up sheet over his eyes to block the light. Also there is an obnoxious phone that keeps ringing RIGHT outside our door. This place feels like Hades.

How to pray:
1. John's pain is increasing. He has a bad headache in the front of his head. One of the neurosurgeons said this was probably from air which got into his brain cavity while it was cut open (sooooooooooooo not using anatomically/medically correct terminology... they had a word for it: pneumo something-or-other...)... they put him on an oxygen mask which will somehow dissipate the air. Please pray for it to go FAST.
2. He hasn't eaten much today. He is very sleepy. This is kinda two concerns in one. We aren't sure why he is so sleepy, but he is really rarely awake. Please pray that he will perk up a little and that he will eat at dinner time.
3. Neck...his neck is very stiff (obviously... it was cut open yesterday). Pray that his muscles will relax some.
4. I am suffering from a BAD headache. I'm sure from lack of sleep. Yet I'm not comfortable leaving him here overnight (especially since they moved him to Hades). Please pray for me. My s-i-l is bringing me excedrin migraine... hopefully that and your prayers will do the trick.
5. The children are being a little squirrely (hope Jen Kallas isn't reading this and getting scared off). Pray for them. This is taking it's toll on them all in different ways. Noah misses his Daddy a lot and he "gets" what's going on so he is worried too. Jeremiah, Elijah and Hannah seem to be all fine and dandy but their poor behavior reveals that isn't really true. Don't forget to pray for Alex in Afghanistan, Amanda and Amber too.

Thanks so much to EVERYONE supporting us. Your love, prayers, food, gifts, are sustaining us through this trying time.

What a DAY!

Sorry for the blog silence today. (I hope everyone has been able to access my twitter account.) I can hardly find the words (yes ME... Jami... the wordiest, gabbiest person you've ever met can't find the words) to describe the depth of my exhaustion right now. It all started Monday.


We had a VERY productive day in which I accomplished nearly everything on my pre-hospital to-do list. We had a very nice little impromptu cookout with friends and were proceeding nicely towards the end of a practically perfect day before surgery. [SCREECHING halth sound here]


An angry voicemail message reignited the warring over John's desire to have NO ONE (but me and his daughters) at the hospital during his surgery. It is in fact his desire to see NO ONE until he is fully conscious and managing his pain well. This desire has resulted in several confrontations with well-meaning loved ones who all think there should be one exception to his wishes...them. Over and over again during the past few weeks, he and I have had to firmly restate what HIS desire is and explain to others that this is about HIS wishes and what will make HIM most comfortable so HE can heal quickly and completely. Each confrontation has been difficult; however, this one on the eve of his surgery may have been the worst. The stress immediately reignited the stuttering he had been struggling with and when he got off the phone he was tired and a bit defeated.


From there things began to snowball. I was fielding WAY too many texts & phone calls, mostly about the confrontation. The house was coming together nicely, but many things remained to be done, and I was running out of time quickly! I finished packing Hannah's bag and decided to cut bait on my OCD need to pack all the kids bags myself. I started barking out orders to the boys, "2 pairs of play shorts, 2 pairs of nice shorts, 2 pairs of sweats, 2 pairs of jeans!" (YES! I realize we should only be in the hospital for about 4 days BUT our house is far, far away. I wanted them to be prepared.) As the boys packed their things, I decided to get started on mine & John's bag. In the middle of this I realized I never took out the kids AWANA uniforms. Ran down to storage to find them but OF COURSE one found, one lost. AHHHHHH! Long story short, it was about 11:30 p.m. before we were finally in bed.


Awoke at 4 a.m. to find that John had not slept a wink ALL night. We made it out the door and halfway to Milwaukee before I realized we had left ALL the carefully prepared lunches in the fridge. GRRRRRRR! I was ticked at myself!


Everything happened in such a whirlwind... We got to the hospital, Jodi took thekids, and we checked in. Shane stopped up to pray with us. Amber arrived. The anethesiologist was delayed. They whisked him away to surgery too quickly. Soon Amber and I were out in the waiting room and time slowed to a snail's pace. About halfway through the surgery I started to get a good case of the worries. I quickly text my mom and sisters for some prayer support. Even though it seemed like forever, before we knew it we were talking to the doctor. All had gone just as planned. John made it through like a champ. So we were directed to the Neuro ICU waiting room to wait more. By about 11:30 we were finally able to see him again. He was in considerable pain and it took quite some time to get his pain manageable. However, by dinnertime he was resting comfortably and the girls left.


There was no sleeping for me last night.... those recliners are the complete antithesis of comfortable. I finally found a couch to zonk out on for about an hour when they took him for a CT scan this a.m. but I am T-I-R-E-D!


Today John's mom came to sit (okay stand) with him for a few hours and I raced over to my parents house for a shower and to squeeze my kiddos. When I got back, the therapy people were here and they were AMAZED by how much John was able to do. First they got him seated on the edge of the bed. Then they got him standing. He did a lap around the ENTIRE unit, and then they put him seated in the chair. He is sleeping there now.


I miss him a lot. I'm right here by him, but I can't communicate more than a few sentences before he drifts off to sleep again. I long to TALK with him. When they sat him up, I started to get teary and asked if I could hug him. I just needed to be in his arms. This blogging thing is great, and we have SUCH a VAST network of support. Yet (no offense) I just want to process all my feelings with him. I just want his opinions. I just want to share with him. Soon enough Jami... Soon enough.


A few seconds to send a quick shout out to the AMAZING nursing staff at St. Luke's Neuro ICU. They are GREAT! They are taking such amazing care of John and me. We are blessed and give them the highest recommendation...if you ever wanna have your skull cut open :)


Don't know if I have the energy for many lessons/applications today, but I'll try.

1. A worried mind is the devil's playground. Yesterday about halfway through John's surgery I started to have these weird (almost like flashbacks but not stuff I had really seen) images flashing into my head. I could see John facedown with the back of his head cut open and his brain exposed. I started to get anxious. That's when I text my mom and sisters. They started sending me scripture and before I knew it I had calmed to the point that I could pray again. There are several situations in my life right now where Satan has a toehold. He assaults me with images, intuition type feelings, fears. If I give playtime to these attacks from the enemy, he gets control, and he sends more graphic images, stronger intuitive feelings, greater fears. If I turn to scripture, he is slain, silenced, defeated.

2. Focus on intent instead of effect. Well-meaning people can do a lot of damage. It's true. They can. I think, therefore, the most godly response is to focus on the intent the person had instead of the effect they had. All of these wars we have had to fight to institute John's healthcare directives... people weren't INTENDING to cause stress and pain. Not only that, but I am SURE that the effects of my actions of trying to enforce John's wishes and trying to keep the right people updated in the right order are not perfect. I intend to do well by John first and everyone else next, but I am sure I am missing the mark. I sure hope others will take the time to focus on my intent and to cut me some slack. Therefore, I need to do the same for them.

3. Things could be SO much worse. There's a family here I keep seeing in the Neuro ICU. I don't know there story, but I can tell it is not good by their demeanor. As exhausted as I am, as much pain as John is in, as serious as this is, I can still praise God that we did not get an inoperable or terminal diagnosis.


Okay that's about all I have the strength for. I gotta try to get some rest quick. Keep following the tweets and keep the prayers coming!

Information from the Neurosurgeon

Well John has two things wrong with his brain (I know, I know you thought there were many more than that).

1. Cavernoma – he has a spot on the left side of his brain which the neurosurgeon suspects is a cavernoma. Apparently a cavernoma is a leaky blood vessel. The doctor does not believe this is what is causing his symptoms: right side weakness, headaches, vision problems, etc… However, this area must be looked at more closely to confirm the doctor’s suspicions that it is not the main culprit.
2. Chiari Malformation – John also has a Chiari Malformation at the base of his brain. Basically, his brain is sinking into the top of his spinal column and putting pressure onto his spinal cord. The doctor suspects this is what is causing the symptoms. The solution for this is brain surgery.

What is the gameplan? It’s gonna move pretty quickly. Apparently the quicker this is resolved the more likely that John’s right side weakness and other symptoms will be resolved and not be permanent.

1. Tomorrow he goes to Hartford Hospital for an MRI of his cervical spine.
2. Monday he goes to St. Luke’s (in Milwaukee) for an angiogram of his brain.
3. Thursday we go back to the neurosurgeon to see if brain surgery is the recommendation.

Prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer! We need PRAYER!

1. Wisdom for the doctors, nurses, technicians, etc…. to figure this out for sure and come up with the proper plan of action.
2. Complete and total healing. Whether through God’s miraculous intervention or through the healing hands of the doctor doing surgery….beggars can’t be choosers. We will take it however we can get it.
3. Practical matters: caring for the kids during all of this, paying the bills if John ends up out of work for surgery, short-term disability, FMLA, how much sick time does he have left, etc, etc, etc…

As far as the children go: Alex is in Afghanistan and will find out what he needs to know when he needs to know it. Amanda and Amber are adults and we are including them on everything we know. Noah, Jeremiah, Elijah and Hannah are way too young to process this. We will be telling them in bits and pieces on an as need basis. For example, Monday they will be with my sister Cori all day, and they will know that Daddy has to have a better picture taken of his brain. If any of you have chance to talk with any of them about this, we wanted to make sure you know what we are telling them.

We are exhausted, a bit overwhelmed, but completely secure in the verse that closes every e-mail I send: He knows the plans He has for us and they are plans to prosper us and not to harm us… plans to give us hope and a future. Thank you in advance for your prayers.