Fear

Writing soothes my soul.  When my heart is all jumbled with feeling, the way I untangle that mess is with writing. So let's work it out then.

Fear... I'm really afraid.  On the outside and even a little on the inside, I look like I trust God, but deep inside in the secret parts of my heart fear lurks and sometimes even reigns.

I'm afraid of bad things happening to my children.  I'm afraid of not being able to pay the bills.  I'm afraid of the bad things people say and think about me. I'm afraid of conflict. I'm afraid of making mistakes.

If I'm being bare-naked honest here (which is what I strive for on this blog), all of those things I'm afraid of have happened to me.  My fears are like an emotional PTSD.... I remember the pain and I'm afraid to repeat it. Bad things happening to my children... yups! some truly terrible things have been traveled on that road. Not being able to pay the bills... yups! been there... done that... People thinking horrible things about me... sure! every.  single. day. Making mistakes... yes! my failures abound.

I guess the fact that I've been down these roads and survived should ease my fears. I should stand firm in the knowledge that God has NEVER let me down in the past so logic would say He won't let me down in the future. But my fear isn't that God won't get me through.  I believe 100% that He is bigger than ANYTHING I face.  My fear stems from a deep desire to avoid those painful journeys.

Ahhhh but THERE it is... the clarity that comes from writing it all out... my aha! moment..... pain is a part of living on this sin-soaked earth. Pain is unavoidable. Not until Heaven will I get the sunshine,  rainbow and lollipop existence I so long for.... it's actually GOOD that I don't like the flaws of this existence. I SHOULD long for my heavenly home. And that is what my fears stem from... a longing for a place with no more crying, no more pain, no more death.

Maybe tomorrow I'll blog about how I'm currently slaying the daunting dragons advancing against me... for today I just needed to hash out why I can't seem to put my fears completely to rest.  Thanks for journeying with me. 

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.
Revelation 21:4