Reluctant writer....

On Monday, I felt the URGE to write. It was pressing so hard on my heart. I cried back, "No! God! PLEASE! NO!"  Alas, the grip on my heart was not released.

So here I am again.... blogging for the second (maybe third) time this week. But I need to start by stating clearly that this time around I am a Reluctant Writer.

See blogging is so dangerous. It opens my thoughts, my feelings, my very heart to the scrutiny of others. Sometimes I get RANTS about how evil and off-base I am. Sometimes I get well-meaning but MISGUIDED helpful hints. Sometimes I just get plain out ATTACKS on my person... my situation... my family. The first reason for my reluctance is just simply that writing brings pain.

In addition to that, blogging again is somehow an admission that we are "in the thick of it" again. I don't want that to be true. I don't really FEEL like it is true. But somehow by needing the therapy of writing, by returning to blogging, somehow I am admitting that the Kastner family is again walking down the "road less traveled".... that pock-marked road full of pain, agony, and (if I'm being honest) doubt. I am reluctant because for me writing means I'm walking through a valley.

But on Sunday as I worshipped.... as I CRIED out to "my song"  I very CLEARLY heard God whisper to my heart, "Will you be My billboard again?" I nonchalantly with immediate obedience answered, "Yes. Always." Then He pressed in closer, "Even if the advertisement I place upon you is one of pain, loss, fear and uncertainty.... will you let Me display My power through you even then?"  The tears bubbled up and spilled from my soul.... I chewed on my lip a little... wringing my hands.... dragging my feet... yet STILL I answered (a little less certain, a little less buoyant), "yes."

I'm not sure WHY we are walking through another season like this. We never are. I'm not sure WHO needs to hear my sad tale. Sometimes you tell me.... sometimes you don't. I don't know WHAT this next valley walk will hold. I don't know WHEN we'll reach the other side. But I do know a few things.  I am CERTAIN of some.

1. I will obey. I will follow. Wherever God's going, that's where I want to be. Whether it's a hospital ER... bouncing along down the street in a minivan that STILL has something wrong with its suspension... holding a SHATTERED smartphone in my hand... or if by some pleasant surprise we turn back down a road filled with pom poms... happy, healthy, whole children... medical bills NOT looming so dark anymore...  NO MATTER WHAT MAY COME, I'M GOING WHERE GOD'S LEADING.

2. He is in CONTROL. No matter how chaotic the past 60 days have seemed. No matter how much my heart palpitates. No matter how many co-pays are bled from me. No matter how many casts grace that precious arm. No matter how many more plastic ER room chairs my rear needs to occupy. NO MATTER WHAT MAY COME, HE IS IN CONTROL.

So come along if you dare.... I promise to make time to write when God presses something on my heart. As always I will be brutally, gut-wrenchingly honest about what's going on. And you.... will you promise me one thing???  Will you let my life be a lesson?  I don't care if it's a lesson of what NOT to want for your life. Or if it is a lesson of GRATITUDE that you aren't walking through what I'm walking through.... All I want is for all this suffering to mean something. I just don't want it to be for naught. So please come along and read my life as a lesson.