King of My Heart

All week long I've been trying to recall this song. It touched my heart, and I had a vague feeling of recall, but I couldn't even get a brief piece of the lyrics to search for it. All I knew is the song had the word good in it. Talk about your needle in a haystack!

Fast forward to Sunday morning church... last song of the worship set... and would you BELIEVE, it's the song! It was the most special whisper from God..  "Here it is, Jami. The song you've been searching for all week." It was awesome!

But better than that little whisper, was the fact that the lyrics they hit me RIGHT where I'm at this weekend. Last week God started tickling my heart with this song...  all week long it eluded me... then this morning God gave it to me... the message I needed so badly to hear... wrapped with a beautiful bow made from the knowledge that God cared enough about me to lay this song on the heart of the worship leader for this week's set. Amazing!

He IS the King of My Heart.

King of My Heart

Let the King of my heart
Be the mountain where I run
The fountain I drink from
Oh-oh, He is my song
Let the King of my heart
Be the shadow where I hide
The ransom for my life
Oh-oh, He is my song

You are good, good, oh-ohh
You are good, good, oh-ohh
You are good, good, oh-oh-ohh
You are good, good, oh-ohh

Let the King of my heart
Be the wind inside my sails
The anchor in the waves
Oh-oh, He is my song
Let the King of my heart
Be the fire inside my veins
The echo of my days
Ohh! He is my song

You're never gonna let
Never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
Never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
Never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
Never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
Never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
Never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
Never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let
Never gonna let me down

When the night is holding onto me
God is holding on
When the night is holding onto me
God is holding on

Hear my prayer, O Lord ; listen to my plea! Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
Psalms 143:1

A hope and a future

Declan Fisher,

I can't believe it's already been a year!  But at the same time I can't even remember a life without you in it. 

We all know what a miracle you are. The story's been told far and wide.... your momma was not supposed to be able to have babies... losing your sibling just a few months prior gutted her and left her battered... then came you.  Beautiful,  smart,  PERFECT you! 

You are the answer to her tearful prayers. You fill her arms and her heart. But dear Declan you are a miracle to me too.

See this last year life has been TERRIBLE, more painful than any other I've endured. Hope has been HARD to find. Miracles have not yet come. So often this past 12 months I have been at the depths of despair and there has been you.  Your baby soft sweetness... your blond newness... This past year,  I would feel hopelessness CRUSHING my soul, and then I would remember your momma sobbing, from the depths of her soul ACHING because she would never know what it felt like to be a mom. And now here. you. are. Miraculously,  amazingly,  incredibly you.  are.  here.  When you shouldn't have been.... when doctors said you couldn't have been... YOU. ARE. HERE. and at the depths of my worst pain I would think.... God did this.  God brought Declan to Cori. He can take care of my heart break too.

Declan Fisher... you are so much more than a baby.  You are so much more than my sister's full arms.  You are hope.  You are possibilities.  You are dreams come true.  You are a FUTURE. 

Thank you for keeping me afloat this past year, Declan.  I love you dearly!

Happy birthday! 

Auntie Jami

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

Know Him and make Him known

A few months ago I claimed this as my family's Mission statement:

Know Him and make Him known

I think from before we even started a family, from before we were even a couple this was my goal for life. But a few months ago, I consciously claimed it to my children and John. This is our official mission statement. These are our only goals in this life:

*know Jesus
*make Jesus known

All my life choices... all my decisions... I want them to filter back to this....

But sometimes life just doesn't LOOK like what you thought it would look like. Sometimes the pieces are scattered all over the floor and they make no discernible image. Sometimes words like cancer, and guilty, and unfaithful shatter the image we have of what our life was going to be like. I've been there. In fact for about a year and a half now, my tent's been pitched there. In this wilderness... where I keep looking around thinking THIS is MY life?!?!? How can that BE??? Even though the Bible constantly disproves this notion, somehow I keep thinking if you love God, if you follow His decrees, if you dedicate your life to serving Him and doing His will then things should go your way. But they don't always.  And in fact often in Scripture I see the opposite... for Joseph... for Job... for Jesus!

Recently in one of the particularly dark shadows of this valley we're in, I stopped... I looked around at the UGLY filth and thought how can this awful landscape be my life. Then right there, midthought the Holy Spirit spoke to me. And I looked around again at the ugly... the waste... the broken parts... and I thought, here, at the bottom of this outhouse pit do I know Him? YES! Possibly more intimately than ever before. Am I making Him known? YES! Over and over... blow after blow... sitting here on this hardly inhabited island waiting for the Lord to send a search plane to rescue us... I am SCREAMING my belief that eventually HE will have HIS way. No matter how dark and desolate this gets, I will NOT stop saying HIS WILL BE DONE. So yes... this IS my life. The ugly... the broken... the awful.... if those things are making me know Him and I'm making Him known... it's. my. life.

I realized life's ick... Satan's attacks... these potholes along the way.... they don't matter.... what matters is that my mission statement stays true:  know Him and make Him known.

The things that happen along your road to Heaven are not what's important.  Don't let them define you! It's your mission.  It's your journey. Those are the things that matter.

I want to know Christ....
Philippians 3:10

The Glad game

With Declan toddling toward the basement stairs,  I shouted,  "Is the door open?!?!" The second I heard the answer, "Yes!" I was off the couch, bounding towards him.  With him just steps away from the opening to the basement, I caught him as BLINDING PAIN shot through my body. I didn't really even see the piano bench I had leapt over, but my heel sure found it. My foot came up underneath the bench, and I kicked the edge with the back of my heel and ruptured my achilles tendon. I'm a hero! I saved a baby from falling down the stairs! But now I need surgery to repair my achilles tendon.

It's been a rollercoaster since that fateful Monday night.  Tuesday I was in so much pain I cried most of the afternoon. Yesterday, I was on an endorphin high because I kept thinking, "He could have REALLY been hurt! And I stopped him!" Today I've been teetering on the edge of depressed discouragement.  As if we don't already have enough trials we're trying to withstand over here! Won't we make a pretty picture me scooting in on a knee walker to John's upcoming kidney surgery. #gimmeabreak

It was in the midst of REALLY starting to feel sorry for myself that I remembered the Glad Game. You know from Pollyanna. She wanted a doll so bad but instead got little crutches. Her dad taught her that in every situation you can find something to be glad about.  They were glad that Pollyanna didn't need those crutches.  Thus began the Glad Game.

So tonight instead of wallowing in my sorrows I'm going to play the Glad Game.

I'm glad that:
*Declan Fisher O'Brien didn't fall down a flight of stairs.
*We have great health insurance.
*I love the doctor we found.
*Not only will my doctor repair my ruptured tendon, but he'll remove this deformity thing on  my heel that has given me two decades worth of tendonitis.
*My bosses are SO supportive.
*My job is very flexible.
*Because I work-at-home, I will be out of work less than 2 days.
*Because I am such a taskmaster my children are fully capable of running this house in my absence.
*John takes such great care of me.
*My office, my bed and a full bathroom are all on the same level.
*(and what you all kept telling me when we moved into this dream house) our house is only two blocks from the hospital!

So surgery bright and early Monday a.m. I'm not gonna lie I'm pretty terrified.... about going under anesthesia and having to give myself shots after surgery... but hey there's that Glad Game again.... I'm glad I have so much pain in my foot and a ton of horrible drama going on in my personal life to distract me from those fears. 

Did I do that??

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 

Prosperity

Today it hit me.... maybe all the prosperity people are right... see I've long had a problem with those who preach the message that "God wants you to prosper!" Because that's not what I read in my Bible... that's not what I've seen working it's way out in my life or the life of my friends... but today I thought maybe those people are RIGHT.  Not about the prospering part but at least about the positivity behind it. 

Let me back it up a bit in case I lost you.... the very first time I had a mammogram I had to go back for additional tests to rule out something nefarious. I remember the fear in the pit of my belly... I remember trying to convince myself, "God's got this." But I remember STRUGGLING too because see I know that sometimes children get cancer, sometimes daddy's don't come home,  sometimes it doesn't all work out like a fairy tale,  and those times God is STILL in control.

So now fast forward back to where I was before.... today I was driving down the road and it HIT me... like a Mack Truck crashing into a VW bug... what if they're RIGHT.... What if believing God is gonna heal you,  rescue you,  provide for you is what it is really about... then it doesn't matter if the rescue EVER COMES.... What matters is you NEVER gave up hope... cuz the ONLY thing we can do in the face of a hurricane ripping through our lives is TRUST in the only One who controls the outcome.

See the outcome isn't ours to do.... what got us here can't be undone.... how we'll deal with a... b... or c... not the question.  What's ours... the ONLY thing God calls us to... often the only thing we CAN do.... is BELIEVE.

So maybe these prosperity people who tout this God WANTS you to live in health and wealth mantra... maybe they have actually got it RIGHT.  Because they refuse to entertain any other possible outcome but one where God REIGNS in the end.

Just a lil food for thought....

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
Lamentations 3:25