Don't forget to cry...

I was just sitting here watching In Plain Sight....the ending brought tears to my eyes (not a surprise...I'm a big fat bawl bag)...so I stood up to get started cleaning the kitchen and all of a sudden I felt sobs welling up inside me. As I let myself cry, I realized how good it felt to let out some of the pent up emotion I'd been keeping inside of me. As tears coursed down my face and sobs rose from deep inside me, I realized: trusting in God does not mean stuffing your feelings. God doesn't want us to deny, hide or bury what we're feeling. He desires honesty in our inmost being. Trusting in God is being afraid and lying it in his lap. Trusting in God is being worried about the Goliath in front of you but slinging that stone anyways. Trusting in God is being real and scared and defeated but GOING ON ANYWAYS!

I feel a little better now. The real truth is I am scared of our current financial situation, and on top of it all, I've been suffering from some pretty miserable sinus pain for the past 3 days, and I just needed to let a little of the fear and pain and misery out of me. That didn't make me a weaker person...that didn't mean I don't believe that God is sovereign...that didn't mean that I'm not "doing it right this time." It just meant I was being real.

Here's to keeping it real!

A Word from God

 This morning I asked God for a Word. I just sat silently for a little bit wanting to hear from Him. My battered soul, my worried heart just needed to hear from my Lord.

As I sat quietly, I got a picture in my head of an ostrich with its head buried in the sand. That's odd I thought. But I again cleared my head so I could hear from God and like a gentle wind he ministered to me, I want you to be just like this ostrich. I am the sand. Bury your head in Me. Don't worry about the world crashing and exploding about you...keep your head buried in Me. I will worry about the rest.

Maybe that ministers to you...maybe you just think I'm the crazy ostrich lady now...regardless...I shared. God will do the rest.

Do it right cuz EVERYTHING is great!

 I have kinda shied away from blogging because it got too painful....I love to share my experiences...even the gut-wrenching ones, in the hope that they will minister to someone....that someone will think: "Wow, I never thought of it like that" or "That is the most hysterical story I've ever heard" or "I can hang on too" or even "Gosh I'm glad I'm not her." But when you share your stories, you open yourself up to others opinions, criticisms, suggestions, judgment. Life has been too raw (and frankly too busy) for that lately so I've kept quiet. But there are two lessons BURNING on my heart right now so I've got to get them out. Hope you'll tell me which response is yours

If you've followed my blog for very long at all (or if you are at all a part of my life), you know that the past 3 years have been a season of DIRE financial hardships for this family. I'm not talking, "Oh dear we're going to have to dip into the savings" hardships. I'm talking, "How in the world are we going to pay the energy bill so they don't turn off the power" hardships. The only other situation I've had in my life which has been this gut-wrenching and faith-building was 11 years ago when I was a 28-year old, single, teacher with NO prospects of dating (muchless) marriage on the horizon. I remember the deep and desperate feeling of loneliness....I remember how undesireable I felt....I remember thinking no one would ever be attracted to me, no one would ever fall in love with me, no one would ever marry me... It's funny to think of it now, but I was in a severe crisis of faith over it several times....I had watched almost all of my friends walk down the aisle already (was a bridesmaid in 7 of those weddings), I had given my life to Jesus I was serving Him as a teacher in a Christian school and what did I get for that? A life of lonliness.... There were several times in college where the fact that I NEVER (read NEVER as NEVER) dated drove me to be suicidal. I mean this was a deep, dark struggle with my self-image and my fears....

Well fast forward 11 years and those fears seem laughable....what they nearly drove me to....stupid. God answered all of my prayers and desires to find and marry a godly man with lightening quickness that made my head spin....I met John and within 10 months we were married....another 17 months and Noah was born. Here I am 11 years later and I can't even remember what loneliness feels like....I am married and in love and I am continually amazed that even now MANY more pounds heavier than I care to admit...I am found to be attractive by this great man. So....enough with the history lesson let's get on with those things that are burning on my soul:

When I struggled through being of an "advanced single age" I did NOT handle it with grace and faith. I stomped my feet. I screamed and cried. I begged God. I bargained. As beforementioned, I even despaired almost to the point of death. Looking back now, I am chagrined by the petulant child I was demanding her way instead of her Father's. Yesterday, something odd happened in my heart. I was thinking about how dire our finances are. I was starting to feel like I couldn't breath. The 3 disconnection warnings and rent coming due were looming in my brain and I all of a sudden realized...HANG ON! I don't want to do it that way this time. I don't want to cry and fear and worry and fret. I want to rest in the peace that my heavenly Father is in control. I want to just proceed with life....this is number 1 folks so pay attention.... I want to do it right this time. I want to enjoy all that is around me in spite of the large struggle I'm going through and I want to work as hard as I can to earn money and save money and make our financial situation bettter but I don't want to worry I don't want to cry and scream and stomp my feet this time.... And it happened....all of a sudden since yesterday it's been a TOTALLY different feeling. I'm not sure I can explain it except for with this: peace. Our troubles did not go away...we still have to come up with the phone bill by today and the internet by the 28th and the rent by the 1st and the energy bill by the 2nd....those Goliath bills are all still looming there laughing at our David-like salary, but guess what....I all of a sudden have this odd.... unnatural... PEACE in my heart...and I'm going to do it! I'm going to face this one in a different way. I'm going to do this one right!

Okay gotta move on to the second lesson because today's tasks are screaming at me to get going. I have a friend who is struggling through a TERRIBLE, life-altering, faith challenging, situation. I mean one of those all encompassing can't seem to get away from it kinda struggles (kinda like not being able to pay the rent, cable, phone and energy bills ) well anyways I touched base with her yesterday to see how she was doing and she said, "Outside of _______ (debillitating struggle) everything is great!" Well that was SO convicting to me....again how often do I need God to remind me....factor out the financial destitution and my life is pretty nearly perfect. While that trying to figure out who to pay and who to put off game can be pretty all-encompassing, why can't I step outside of the frenzy and look around a little at my beautiful babies, my godly husband, my growing youth group, my amazing church....

So today not only am I deteremined to "do it right this time." I am also determined to say, "Outside of having NO money to pay the bills, EVERYTHING IS GREAT!" Because guess what? it is!

Here's hoping your day is great and that you to will have the strength to carry on through whatever you're struggling with. My life as a lesson....that's what God has called me to.

"Win- DOW!" the story of Hannah's glasses

 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

I believe in spiritual warfare. I believe that Satan enjoys making our lives miserable. I believe that he likes to toy with us when we are really making a difference for the kingdom of God, but I also believe that he loves to "kick us when we're down." But here's my biggest one: I believe it doesn't matter because in the end we (who love Jesus) win! We're the victors. Satan may win little victories along the way but in the end, Jesus will be victorious!

So now that I'm down off my soap box, here's what I'm blogging about:

We went to Amber's soccer game in Ft. Atkinson on Monday. As we were cruising home on I94 at a speed I refuse to confess as I know there are law enforcement professionals reading this, I looked back and said to Hannah, "Hannah, where are your glasses?" She took her adorable little finger and pointed to the window and said in her sweet little voice, "Window!" What!?!?! I ripped off my seat belt and climbed into the backseat and began foraging for her glasses. I looked in all the typical places (right behind her seat by Miah's feet, in the map pocket of her door, in the crack between the seats)....I looked in the non-typical places I started praying. Finally, I said to John, "We have to go back to where we stopped to let Elijah pee."

He turned around and traveled back down I94 about 10 minutes to the spot. We got out of the car and split up searching the side of the road for any sign of her glasses....nothing! So we got back in the van and started heading for home. I was a little surprised that I really wasn't that despondent. I was having thoughts like this: it's really a miracle that we haven't truly lost a pair of glasses prior to this point, at least we have some good insurance coverage so this won't cost us that much, it's not like Hannah fell out the window her glasses did.

I had picked John up from work to race out to Amber's game on time so we had to return to his car before going home. I told him I'd follow him home because I wasn't sure where I was. So I followed him away from the parking spot. Well...I had NO idea where we were. It was VERY confusing with tons of construction. We got on an on ramp and I thought, "GREAT! now we can finally get home!" I had a headache. I had to pee. And I was getting very antsy to look through the van to make sure Hannah's glasses weren't in there. All of a sudden, I realized we were on I43 going north... we needed to be on I43 going south. I called John on my cell and just said, "Honey just praise the Lord." Satan was just toying with us byn then. He was just trying to pour salt in our already stinging wound. Getting angry wasn't going to do anything but give him one more tiny victory. Instead we chose to praise Jesus as we drove to the first exit so we could turn around. Instead I chose to thank Jesus for the delays trusting those delays must have helped us miss something worse than what we'd been through. I praised Jesus for the opportunity to show my children praising in the face of irritation instead of cursing.

I tell you again: I believe in spiritual warfare. I believe that Satan likes to see us irritated, frustrated, losing our temper, or doubting and worrying. But I also believe that Jesus is always TRIUMPHANT!

BTW...Hannah's new glasses are already on order and thanks to a little angel they are completely paid for already.

A Beautiful Conversation

Okay so this conversation occurred today on the way to my mom's house. It started as I was pulling out of my driveway.

Jeremiah (6 years old) says, "Mom, I'm gonna miss you when you die."

I reply, "Well baby, hopefully that won't happen for a long time."

Then I proceed to go through how my momma is still alive and daddy's momma is still alive and my mom's mom is still alive and daddy's mom's mom is still alive. and on and on....

I finish with, "So hopefully I won't die until you are very, very old."

At this point, Elijah (4 years old) pipes in, "Mom, I don't wanna get old."

I say, "I don't want you to get old either."

Elijah starts rambling, "Well maybe if I don't take bathes (that's how he says it like "bath - ez" sounded adorable and it's my story so I can elaborate if I want!) I won't get old, because one time I took a bath for a long time and when I got out I was old!"

Jeremiah haughtily says, "That's not old that's wrinkled! Besides you don't die until you're 100. Then you die and go to heaven."

Elijah says, "I wanna go to heave, because I want to see Jesus."

I'm in the front seat with tears welling up in my eyes because the conversation so quickly changed from humorous to precious. I say, "I want to see Jesus too, honey."

Elijah says, "I just wanna see Jesus because I want to tell him I love Him."

I say, "You can tell him you love Him now."

He says, "Oh yeah, cuz Jesus is in my heart. So I can tell Jesus I love Him in my heart, right?"

I say, "Yes baby that is right."

He says, "But I still want to tell Him in heaven Mom."

I say, "Me too Eli. You are making Momma's heart so full right now. I hope you love Jesus this much all the days of your life."

Elijah, "I'm gonna Momma. I am gonna love Jesus every day of my life."

Jeremiah, "Me too Mom. I'm gonna love Jesus forever too."

This was one of the most precious conversations I've ever had with my children. It's definitely going right in their journals right along with this heartfelt prayer:

Father God, PLEASE let my babies love you ALL of the days of their lives. May they honor you in all they do. May they never turn away from you. May you be their constant companion and faithful guide. May they grow to love you more than anyone else on this earth. Amen.

Night all!