Personal Theology

Senior year Bible for my kids is Personal Theology. All year long, they dig into different timely topics and report back: 

*what does God say? 

*what does the world say?

*what do my parents say?

*what do I say?

This year, my last year teaching Personal Theology, I added a new final project. Based upon all that you dug into this year, how are you going to live your life? The assignment, write 10 "I will" statements. Today I did the assignment, both to give my student a sample of how to do this and to put my money where my mouth is. 

I like my "I will" statements. They are a great combination of facts of who I am and things I aspire to be. You don't have to like them.  They aren't your "I will" statements.  But maybe this will inspire you to think about your "I will" statements and write them down too. 

This post isn't private;  however,  it's mainly intended for my three previous students who took the course before this great assignment was developed.  I hope you three will send me your "I will" statements or at least think them through.

The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.

Proverbs 20:5

Breaking up scar tissue

Something happened in my heart this weekend. The only way I can describe it is by referencing another blog I wrote long ago:

Day 155: a weird pop

I have been under so much pressure lately... girl bossed too hard and now I'm a manager and WOW that's intense.... parenting adult children or as I like to call it the valley of the shadow of death... menopause, hot flashes, weight gain OH MY! Each of these pressure cookers would be intense on their own But all combined together!?!? Sometimes I feel like I'm not even me anymore.... 

Any of you Grey's Anatomy fans out there... you know when April and Jackson lose Samuel, and then April goes to the desert to do relief work, and she comes back TOTALLY changed. I feel like I'm post-desert April: Rougher. More edgy. Bit stronger of a backbone. Bigger cojones. It's the path God wants me on, but it feels uncomfortable like a pair of pants that just doesn't quite fit me. For TOO long I have been a pushover.... afraid of conflict... people pleaser... God is making and molding me so I can be a better manager, parent, daughter, sister,  friend, HUMAN.... but I couldn't find my comfort zone in that.

This weekend something BROKE! Like the pop I described in my Achilles tendon blog above. And I think I see my way now... The way to make firm have a gentle Jami spin on it. The way to let these lil ducklings learn to fly (and fall) being their safety net FAR below instead of the shepherd right there by their side and not letting their descent or their plop into the net I formed kill me. The way to be refined not broken, stronger not tough.

I sobbed through the sermon today.  GOLLY it was FIRE! Jesus embraced the TORTURE of the cross because there was purpose in the pain --- I was the purpose in His pain! 

I guess my best analogy is this: yesterday I changed over every song in my Taylor Swift Work Hype Mix to the "clean version." It's the same brilliant T. Swift lyrics.  It's all the angry girl rock I need to pump me up before work. It just doesn't have any swears.  That's the new version of Jami. She's not a pushover anymore.  She says what she thinks a lot of the time. She draws boundaries. She is a TOUGH mammer jammer. But she is still kind and Christlike. She is still gentle. She is still Jami. 

I might be back to this blog thing. I might be a one-hit wonder until some more scar tissue pops... I don't know. But this.... this I had to share. Cuz for the first time in a long time I feel like me again, and also cuz just like this whole blog: I hope this ministers to someone else's soul too.

‭Galatians 2:20 

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 

Not a Christmas you dream about...

This really wasn't a Christmas that you dream about. I'm on crutches and in an immense amount of pain.  We didn't have a church service to go to (even if I could've hobbled in there). I forgot a TON of things for our appetizer feast. The valley of the shadow of parenting a teen girl is a bit dark and scary these days. Then I couldn't even make it through to Christmas dinner.  In the middle of our family celebration, the pain brought me to tears, and John had to take me home to go to bed and elevate my leg.  

It has me thinking.  Do you think Mary enjoyed the stable? I mean I know what the pictures convey.  I know she's all dewy and glowing cuz she just brought God's Son into this world.  But do you REALLY think she enjoyed giving birth in animal filth? I bet she didn't.  But I also bet it didn't matter if she was thrilled about the way it turned out.... GOD STILL HAD HIS WAY. 

Lately God's been doing a lot of things in a way that is just NOT pleasing to me... not my favorite.... not the way I would've planned it if I were the author.... but here's what I've been seeing... GOD STILL HAS HIS WAY... and I guess I'm starting to get it through my thick skull that I'm NOT the author. 

Regardless of how not storybook this Christmas was.... I'm trusting that HIS way is better. Just like I imagine Mary did on that very first Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone. 

Christmas on Crutches

I'm currently doing three different Christmas reading plans on my Bible app. I'm just trying hard not to miss the joy this Christmas season because of all the NOT merry stuff on my plate right now.

*Army graduations are so stressful but this one was even more so because the unit Elijah was in literally communicated not 1 word about the in-person graduation to the parents.

*a car crash the day before we left put so many wrinkles into our trip and extended our driving time.... as we had to go to Georgia and take Noah to his new base.

*my work is just so busy. I've been working overtime for at least 6 months.

*and my surgery is very close on the horizon---just 9 days away now

*2 soldiers arriving at the airport on 2 different days (one of them I have to miss because I'll still be in the hospital.)

*then two whirlwind weeks full of celebrations and family and the Kastner6 together.

I just KNOW that I'm going to get to January 5th and think, "Wow! That was a blink of a eye!" It already feels like it went fast, and it hasn't even all the way started.

As I FLY, full-speed down this hill, there are a few things I'm doing to try to make sure I don't miss everything....  

1. The most important one Get. In. The. Word. Every single day...  Multiple different reading plans. Worship songs while I exercise. Quiet minutes of listening for His voice even when I feel like I can't slow down. I'm tying to center my heart on my Savior's birth to help me remember the Reason for the Season.

2.  Count it all joy. I'm really truly TRYING to count it all joy. My work being so busy made Elijah's time in basic seem exponentially shorter.  Elijah's unit being so disorganized meant they didn't even look at our registration for our car which was last year's not this year's. All this insanity and having to pump the brakes to just even experience any of it is giving me very little time to stress out about this knee surgery. This fast pace which I'm fighting so hard is actually what's making it like "oh my gosh it's already only 10  days until I see Elijah again!" So I'm trying to embrace the suck because the suck is actually beneficial for me.

3. Connect with my people.  Even though I'm stressed and busier than a one- armed wallpaper hanger I'm trying to be intentional about connecting with people. It is so helpful to my mental health and it us why I do all this craziness.... my people.

 Whatever kind of Christmas season you're having, chill - crazy - lonely - mournful,  you can still be purposeful and celebrate Christmas. My prayer is that today you'll find just one way to do that.

When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Matthew 2:10‭-‬11

Mountaintops

I just read in my devotions that when you are looking at others,  behind every spotlight moment there are struggles you missed. That resonated in my soul. The past week on Facebook I shared GOBS of pictures of mountaintop experiences. Because I believe in raw honesty I also shared some of the struggles as well. But here's the brutal truth of it:

*we drove roughly 40 hours

*we jumped through hoop after hoop (COVID vaccines, COVID tests, last minute screenshots of recent vehicle registrations)

*we never got ANY information from the battalion about graduation other than the start time for the live stream event

*my knee has completely given up the ghost and I hobbled everywhere I went. A lot of the time using a crutch to help me walk

*the a/c was broken in our hotel room

*it was a VERY long walk from the elevator to the lobby and our room (exponentially longer for a person with an ugly knee) 

*we couldn't take Elijah off base... not once. We spent roughly 12 hours sitting at a picnic table in the on-base park

*we spent A LOT of money

*we got VERY little sleep

We endured all of that for just 20 hours with our soldier... [and the list doesn't even count the struggles Elijah went through in basic (little contact with family,  no sugar, lost sleep, being hollered at, push ups on top of push ups) a lot of sacrifice!] That's a lot of struggle for a mountaintop experience, but I would do it all over again just for those moments.... when we first found him.... when he squeezed the life outta me with that first hug.... our whole big loud family there to support him. 

The entire point of this blog is that I want to remember that nothing good comes easy.  That every beautiful moment captured on Facebook came after a TON of hard work. That the glamor and shine of graduations come AFTER a butt ton of hardship and struggle. 

But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.

2 Chronicles 15:7