Aftershock

I have blogged about this phenomenon before.... when God uses Pandora to preach a sermon to me. It happened to me again this a.m. as I biked, and I feel compelled to share the message(s) He spoke to me.

Oftentimes I find the "aftershock" can be worse than the "earthquake".... During the earthquake moments, I get by on adrenaline kept aloft by the prayers of MANY of you walking through my trial with me. But when the aftershocks come, my adrenaline has worn off.... an exhaustion starts to set in and I FEEL the stress and pain left in the wake of the earthquake.

This weekend might have been harder for me than when John was actually IN the hospital. Saturday was a nice reprieve [John and I had a kid-free day.... If you follow me on FB you know I found my dream rocker which I have been SEARCHING for for at least 2 years]

and Sunday morning God SCREAMED, "I love you Jami." from the worship set list [FB friends:  remember this post from Thursday night:

Jami Lynn Kastner shared a link.

June 12

How many times in the past five years have I chased an ambulance to the hospital? 5? 6? Maybe even 7?

Today as I RUSHED to St. Luke's my fear was palpable, and I could feel myself losing it. Hannah and Elijah were in the van with me.... That was the ONLY thing keeping me under control. I knew if I fell apart they would too. And then God GRIPPED me with a lyric from this song bubbling up in my heart:

"I will look back and see that You are faithful
I look ahead believing You are able"

And His peace SWIRLED around my soul as I realized... 5? 6? 7? times He has gotten us through. This time WILL be NO different!

If you need a little encouragement tonight listen to this song. I'll be playing it on repeat as I drift off to sleep. 

well THAT song was the last song of the worship set yesterday.....] I BAWLED like a baby as the words washed over my soul!

...but the rest of the weekend was a murky MESS of pain, irritation and impatience.

Right now I am just past exhausted with VERY thin skin and absolutely NO patience. I am taking EVERYTHING personally. I am BLOWING UP (okay if not on the outside at least on the inside) over every minor infraction. And honestly, I don't even like to be around myself right now.

Last night I started feeling like I'm coming down with something [body aches, headache] and this morning I awoke with a sore throat, but I was BOUND and DETERMINED to bike this morning, and am I glad I did because God had a sermon waiting for me on my Pandora station! Because music ministers to my soul so much, I am including videos of the songs in case you want to hear one....

Pandora Station:  Barlow Girls

Song 1:
Hold 
by Superchick (can I just say how I LOVE Superchick???  MMMMM!)

most gripping lyrics:
Tell me I can make it through this day
I don't even have the words to pray
You have been the only One who never left me
Help me find the way through all my fears

Lord, I'm so tired.... please get me through THIS day... I don't know how to pray because I don't even KNOW what emergency might be on the horizon... help me to face this day without fear, and NO MATTER WHAT don't leave me!

Song 2:
You're Not Alone
by Meredith Andrews

most gripping lyrics:
You're not alone for I, I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life

Every single dark alley I've walked down.... Every night I spent alone in my bed afraid of what the test results would bring... YOU have seen me through God!

Song 3:
Held
by Natalie Grant

most gripping lyrics:
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

The promise NEVER has been ANYTHING other than I would be HELD.  And I have been HELD.

Song 4:
Crawl
by Superchick

On this one the WHOLE song GRIPPED me....
How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
'Cause I have You
And if I had to crawl

Well, You'd crawl too

I stumble and I fall

Carry me through

The wonder of it all is You 

See me through

Oh, Lord, where are you?

Do not forget me here

I cry in silence

Can You not see my tears?

When all have left me
And hope has disappeared

You'll find me here

And when I had to crawl
Well, You crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is You
See me through
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
When I am lost, You have not lost me
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
When I am lost, You have not lost me

I have been crying in silence... trying to be strong... afraid to say how scared I really am... unsure if I can verbalize the pain in the depths of me.... but you HAVE NOT lost me.  You WILL NOT lose me.

As always I hope this jumbled mess has ministered to someone, but honestly the writing of it has ministered to me and maybe that's all God wanted this for.

Have a great day everyone!

God used Pandora???

I recently downloaded the Pandora app to my smart phone. I'm slowly but surely getting the hang of it. I guess you type in a song (or artist, or genre) you like and it creates a like-minded "station" for you to listen to. Every once in a while you have to endure a few commercials, but other than that it is free. I downloaded it for the purpose of working out. I didn't want to go purchase a bunch of new workout songs from iTunes, and I didn't want to listen to the SAME old music EVERY workout. So I got Pandora.

Yesterday I found the genre search function and "created" a radio station Contemporary Christian, and POW! it was like God Himself was choosing the songs for that "station" to play and I got a few messages from God while I sweated my butt off tackling the EVIL stair treadmill.  Each song that played spoke to my heart and soul... Each song brought me a word from God (some for others but mostly for me).  Here's the playlist that resulted and the lessons that came with it:

Get Back Up - Toby Mac
I <3 this song!  I just love every word of these lyrics! In fact, I've even blogged about it before. But today the message related to my new fitness plan. I have been doing SO well working out. I've been "on the wagon" for about three weeks now with a goal to get to the gym five or six days per week. I'm doing High Intensity Interval Training, weight lifting, and stretching. The first and second weeks, I worked out at the gym five days, did a stretch only workout one day and took one day off. This week has been not as good. My workload TRIPLED this week and I have been SWAMPED. In addition to Gramma Hilly being in and out of the hospital and preparing for Hannah's surgery, it has been an INSANE asylum around here!  Today is the last day in my workout week and so far I have worked out at the gym only three times, taken two days fully off, and done abs and a full body stretch on the other day.  I was feeling VERY discouraged and loathing the stench of failure in my nostrils when Toby Mac SCREAMED at me from the ear buds connected to my Smart Phone:  We lose our way... get back up again... its never too late... to get back up again... with each repetition of the chorus I was more and more encouraged and by the end of the song I was ready to battle the beast of getting back in shape ferociously again.

Call on Jesus - Nicole C. Mullen
This song makes my heart SWELL with encouragement. When I call on Jesus... mountains are gonna fall... But yesterday this song was for someone else.  Someone I have been praying for all week. Someone who made an AMAZING choice, lying down her own desires in the name of doing what He was calling her to. Someone whose heart is breaking from the pain of what he asked her to lie down.  Standing in front of her is this mountain of sadness, uncertainty and pain... And I want to tell her: When I call on Jesus.... mountains are gonna fall... and I want her to hear He'll move Heaven and earth to come rescue me when I fall.  And any of the rest of you with a mountain in front of you, I want you to hear this message When I call on Jesus... all things are possible... with Jesus on your side, you can DO IT!

You Never Let Go - Matt Redman
Blogged about this one before too... This time is for my family.... We are walking through a very tough time with my Gramma. She is in the end of her life. I don't know when she will pass (only God does)... this year... next... but I do know that we are losing her a little more each day. These lyrics soothed my soul that is mourning each tiny loss of her memory Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... Your perfect love is casting out fear... And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life... I won't turn back... I know you are near.... Mom... everyone... He's right there. He sees your pain. He knows your loss. Don't turn back!  Walk right next to Gramma all the way to the end... and KNOW that He is near.

You Love Me Anyway - Sidewalk Propehts
This week the wretchedness of my sin reared its ugly head again. In a heated "discussion" with someone, after maintaining my patience and godliness for quite some time, I snapped, lost it, and BLEW UP! I felt justified. I had held my tongue for a long time. I avoided blaming the other person. I took responsibility and apologized for unintentional slights that I really did not NEED to take blame for. So I was RIGHT when I finally drew the line in the sand! It was okay that I finally tried to STOP THE MADNESS and that I told that person OFF!  Until late Thursday night, as I read through my blog, and God poured CONVICTION on me with my own words. Such a strong wave of conviction that I nearly vomited. I immediately composed an e-mail repenting through my tears. Yet the guilt of my wretchedness was still lingering like that acidy feeling after you puke. This final song in my little Pandora Treadmill Time with God poured oil over my guilty conscience. I am the thorn in Your crown... But You love me anyway... I am the sweat from Your brow... But You love me anyway... I am the nail in Your wrist... But You love me anyway... I am Judas' kiss... But You love me anyway... See , I am the man who yelled out from the crowd for Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground... Yes then, I turned away with a smile on my face... With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace... And then alone in the night, I still called out for You... So ashamed of my life, my life, my life..


BUT YOU LOVE ME ANYWAY




So, you might ask, "What are you SAYING today Jami???"

1. Get your BUTT back up!  I don't care what wagon you have fallen off of: fitness, addiction, sexual sin, lying, temper.. I don't care!  GET UP!

2. With Jesus on your side, you can do ANYTHING!

3. God is right THERE! Through sickness, death, divorce, loss, fear, unemployment, a failing economy, surgery on your baby girl's eyes... God is RIGHT there!

4. He LOVES you anyway.  I always tell my babies:  "I love you when you're good. I love you when you're bad. I love you when you're clean. I love you when you're dirty. I LOVE YOU!"  He LOVES you!

Have a GREAT day everyone!  And check out that thing called Pandora  maybe God will use it to give you a word today too.