Aftershock

I have blogged about this phenomenon before.... when God uses Pandora to preach a sermon to me. It happened to me again this a.m. as I biked, and I feel compelled to share the message(s) He spoke to me.

Oftentimes I find the "aftershock" can be worse than the "earthquake".... During the earthquake moments, I get by on adrenaline kept aloft by the prayers of MANY of you walking through my trial with me. But when the aftershocks come, my adrenaline has worn off.... an exhaustion starts to set in and I FEEL the stress and pain left in the wake of the earthquake.

This weekend might have been harder for me than when John was actually IN the hospital. Saturday was a nice reprieve [John and I had a kid-free day.... If you follow me on FB you know I found my dream rocker which I have been SEARCHING for for at least 2 years]

and Sunday morning God SCREAMED, "I love you Jami." from the worship set list [FB friends:  remember this post from Thursday night:

Jami Lynn Kastner shared a link.

June 12

How many times in the past five years have I chased an ambulance to the hospital? 5? 6? Maybe even 7?

Today as I RUSHED to St. Luke's my fear was palpable, and I could feel myself losing it. Hannah and Elijah were in the van with me.... That was the ONLY thing keeping me under control. I knew if I fell apart they would too. And then God GRIPPED me with a lyric from this song bubbling up in my heart:

"I will look back and see that You are faithful
I look ahead believing You are able"

And His peace SWIRLED around my soul as I realized... 5? 6? 7? times He has gotten us through. This time WILL be NO different!

If you need a little encouragement tonight listen to this song. I'll be playing it on repeat as I drift off to sleep. 

well THAT song was the last song of the worship set yesterday.....] I BAWLED like a baby as the words washed over my soul!

...but the rest of the weekend was a murky MESS of pain, irritation and impatience.

Right now I am just past exhausted with VERY thin skin and absolutely NO patience. I am taking EVERYTHING personally. I am BLOWING UP (okay if not on the outside at least on the inside) over every minor infraction. And honestly, I don't even like to be around myself right now.

Last night I started feeling like I'm coming down with something [body aches, headache] and this morning I awoke with a sore throat, but I was BOUND and DETERMINED to bike this morning, and am I glad I did because God had a sermon waiting for me on my Pandora station! Because music ministers to my soul so much, I am including videos of the songs in case you want to hear one....

Pandora Station:  Barlow Girls

Song 1:
Hold 
by Superchick (can I just say how I LOVE Superchick???  MMMMM!)

most gripping lyrics:
Tell me I can make it through this day
I don't even have the words to pray
You have been the only One who never left me
Help me find the way through all my fears

Lord, I'm so tired.... please get me through THIS day... I don't know how to pray because I don't even KNOW what emergency might be on the horizon... help me to face this day without fear, and NO MATTER WHAT don't leave me!

Song 2:
You're Not Alone
by Meredith Andrews

most gripping lyrics:
You're not alone for I, I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life

Every single dark alley I've walked down.... Every night I spent alone in my bed afraid of what the test results would bring... YOU have seen me through God!

Song 3:
Held
by Natalie Grant

most gripping lyrics:
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

The promise NEVER has been ANYTHING other than I would be HELD.  And I have been HELD.

Song 4:
Crawl
by Superchick

On this one the WHOLE song GRIPPED me....
How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
'Cause I have You
And if I had to crawl

Well, You'd crawl too

I stumble and I fall

Carry me through

The wonder of it all is You 

See me through

Oh, Lord, where are you?

Do not forget me here

I cry in silence

Can You not see my tears?

When all have left me
And hope has disappeared

You'll find me here

And when I had to crawl
Well, You crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is You
See me through
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
When I am lost, You have not lost me
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
When I am lost, You have not lost me

I have been crying in silence... trying to be strong... afraid to say how scared I really am... unsure if I can verbalize the pain in the depths of me.... but you HAVE NOT lost me.  You WILL NOT lose me.

As always I hope this jumbled mess has ministered to someone, but honestly the writing of it has ministered to me and maybe that's all God wanted this for.

Have a great day everyone!

When the simple becomes profound....

I haven't been writing much lately. It is from a combination of lack of time and something else. See lately I have been feeling (on my blog and in person) that people are sick of hearing about my struggles. So I've stopped talking and writing. It is a lonely and scary place for me... because I thrive off getting this crud OUT of my system and I cling to the hope that if I have to suffer at least someone can learn something from it... However, I'm just so raw right now I cannot take anymore correction/judgement/disapproval. Don't get me wrong... there are a few faithful out there that I can FEEL are dedicated to seeing me through to the VERY end of my struggles... but silence seems an appropriate choice to protect myself from the other stuff. All this to say that something has to BURN in my belly before I will write it out right now. I cannot bring myself to invite more criticism without a REALLY good reason. Well this morning I have a really good reason.

Basically I'm in a sea of confusion right now... Unsure exactly what God is doing here... Not seeing what He is bringing about... TERRIFIED (I cannot think of a word that actually expresses the depth of my fear) over my circumstances yet still somehow inexplicably just KNOWING that even though I cannot see Him working right now, He is still "on the clock" working on my heart... working on my circumstances... working out my perseverance....

I have been STRUGGLING through some SERIOUS attacks of the enemy.... ones where I can LITERALLY feel my struggle is "against rulers, against authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."  I don't know really how to explain it... If you have ever been in a battle of spiritual warfare, you just "get it," I guess.

So yesterday on my way into town, Your Great Name by Natalie Grant came on K-Love. Now this song is not new to me. (I've blogged about it before.) And the concepts held within are not earth-shattering or ground breaking. However, as I flew down the highway, this line hit me:

     The enemy, he has to leave, at the sound of Your great name.

And all of a sudden an epiphany occurred to me: when I am in the midst of those battles I need His great name. Now this is not a new concept to me. I know that when battling Satan we must call out the name of Jesus. I know that the very NAME of Jesus holds power we cannot fathom. I know that demons shudder and walls fall at the mere SOUND of the NAME of JESUS. But it struck me right then and there, the next time I am in the midst of a battle.... the next time I start to get the sense (through the absurdity of the sheer volume of CRUD that is being hurled at me) that Satan is toying with me, I need to call out the name of Jesus!

[Hang on... I'm not done yet!]

So this morning I awoke at 4:17 a.m. because I had to pee [sorry if that is TMI (too much information)]. I realized that it was FREEZING in my house so I went to the thermostat. It was 66 (thermostat is set at 68) I could hear that the furnace was running, but I couldn't feel any warm air coming from the vent. A groggy John reported it would take a few minutes for the blower fan to engage, but my gut said, "Nopes! Something else is going on here." Long story short, it was an easy fix... we have hot air blowing again but here's the part I must share... this is the part that is burning in my belly:

I sat at the kitchen table trying to concentrate on my devotions for the morning while John tinkered away in the basement. Finally I just stopped and started praying, "God PLEASE I need a miracle here. I NEED this to be an easy fix, because right now I cannot take another thing to deal with. As I sat at the table, praying.... just before I heard the blower fan engage, I realized that there were lyrics running through my head as I prayed, "Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man You are high and lifted up; and all the world will praise Your great name."  Those lyrics running through my head were God reminding me of the message He had spoken to me yesterday! I started repeating out loud, "Jesus... Jesus... Jesus... I need you Jesus. Please do something JESUS."

The simple can be profound. You don't need special words. God won't be convinced by a well-worded request. You do not need a formula or strategy... You need JESUS. For salvation, for eternity, for right HERE AND NOW... You just need JESUS.

The funniest part is that this revelation wasn't followed by a great mountaintop high... It was immediately followed by another dip down low into the valley of uncertainty and fear.... it was followed by the realization that something is wrong with John. I haven't put my finger on it yet, and I'm still assessing whether we can handle this at home or not, but he is NOT right and will not be going to work today. You know how I'm handling it? With an odd sense of peace and one word on my lips, "Jesus."

Worship Wednesday: Your Great Name

I know that Wednesday was yesterday. This blog hit me yesterday (if that counts), but I just wasn't able to get back downstairs to blog last night so here it is a day late and a dollar short (what else is new eh?).

[I want to dedicate this blog to my second Momma, Rosalind Stancil. You are SUCH an example of godliness, strength and faith to me. I LOVE YOU!  Bad things sometimes happen to GOOD people, but God remains "HIGH AND LIFTED UP" through it all and "the enemy, he HAS to leave, at the sound of HIS great name."  I know you know that but I wanted to remind you.]

Your Great Name

Natalie Grant

Lost are saved; find their way; at the sound of Your great name

All condemned; feel no shame, at the sound of Your great name

Every fear; has no place; at the sound of Your great name

The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of Your great name

Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man

You are high and lifted up; and all the world will praise Your great name

All the weak; find their strength; at the sound of Your great name

Hungry souls; receive grace; at the sound of Your great name

The fatherless; they find their rest; at the sound of Your great name

Sick are healed; and the dead are raised; at the sound of Your great name

Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man

You are high and lifted up; and all the world will praise Your great name

Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty

My Savior, Defender, You are my King

Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man

You are high and lifted up; and all the world will praise Your great name

This song isn't that profound really. We all know what it's saying. So I'm not sure what it is about the song that just GRABBED me in the gut when I heard it for the first time ever yesterday. Maybe the haunting melody? Maybe Natalie Grant's amazing vocals? or maybe just the PURE SIMPLICITY of the message.... HIS NAME IS ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS and maybe that IS profound.

Whatever you are going through today, I hope you will take a second to listen to this song in its entirety and really HEAR the message. Let it seep into your soul.... He's your Redeemer... your Healer... your Lord Almighty.

[I know this blog is dedicated to Roz, but my other Georgia friend... you know who you are... He is your Defender!  So charge into that conversation CONFIDENTLY!  It is not you who is speaking but God speaking through you as your DEFENDER!] 

This song ripped my soul wide open and allowed God to pour HEALING balm all over my broken parts yesterday. I hope it (and this blog) does a tiny bit of that for you today.

God bless!

Perfect People

This song by Natalie Grant really socks me in the gut. It is one of my least favorite parts of the Body of Christ. We are here to serve and help others. Yet within the church so many of us try to "tell the world you've got it all together..... and never let him see what's underneath." We hide away the hardest things. We cover up our foibles. We try to deny our sinfulness. But those things are the VERY things which minister to others most! People need to know they are not alone! People need to know it is possible to struggle with the ick of this world and still trust Jesus. People need to know it is okay to scream and cry and kick and think "THIS SUCKS!"

The other day I was driving down the street and this song came on, and I just started bawling. Here's why: I am so hard on myself. I am such a perfectionist. When things in my life don't line up to the image I have in my head of "perfect," I feel evil, flawed, worthless. As I drove down the street it was like Natalie Grant was screaming it JUST for me:

There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God, yeah

NONE of us are perfect! NONE of us have a perfect life! EVERYONE has their trials, their struggles, their failures. So don't let your messy, sinful, shattered life keep you from God. Take your broken, nasty nonsense right TO Him. Lie in His arms and be changed. Spend time at His feet and be amazed. Satan wants your shame to drive you from your Father. God wants your failures to drive you to Him.

I hope you'll let the words of this song wash over you today. Remember there is NOTHING you've done He can't forgive. NOWHERE you've been He can't lead you back from. NO WAY you could EVER make Him stop loving you.