I made it through...

Yesterday as I was driving Hannah to a follow-up appointment with Dr. Patterson, it came across the wires... Matt Redman "You Never Let Go." That's been the theme song through this recent trial... In fact, it is what I was singing to Hannah as I held her, waiting for her to come out of anesthesia.... And oddly, (well maybe not so oddly) she has been singing it ever since her surgery too. It was a gentle touch from God. A little reminder, that He's there... He's always there.

I started to think about the rest of the soundtrack of my life. See music is so powerful for me, and it seems every season of my life comes with a theme song.  Of course, John & I have a song... I chose songs for each of my babies when they were born. In addition, every tough thing I have gone through has a song that "attaches" to it. It was either a song that "got me through" the season or sometimes a song that came out after the fact that reminds me of the time, but regardless when I hear the song, powerful emotions surge. It is as if I'm transported back in time. I can feel the emotions, feel, wonder, excitement of that season of life as real as if it was just yesterday!

I always mean to burn a mix CD of the songs... problem is life keeps adding more songs to my list :)  Here's a little snippet:

Blessed Be Your Name - when Luke was diagnosed with Leukemia
Praise You in This Storm - financial devastation of 2005
By Your Side - tumultuous summer of 2009
Stronger - John's Brain Surgery
You Never Let Go - Hannah's Eye Surgery

But see yesterday as that song came on the radio, a thought was planted in my soul and this morning it grew into a big grown up concept to blog about.

Here's the thing with all those songs.... Here's the thing with all those seasons... They represent the PAST... I'm through them. A few of those songs still stab me like a hot poker in the gut when I hear them. Some of them bring a warm fuzzy, my God carried me through that feeling. And some of them cause my hackles to rise as I get myself in fighting stance ready to kick the devil's butt for what he tried to take from me. This morning though it occurred to me.... All of those seasons are IN THE PAST.  

I remember that I feared losing my husband... I remember fearing being evicted because we couldn't pay the rent... I remember having the air socked out of my gut with one word, "Leukemia".... I remember the constant dread of lining the bills up against the salaries and ALWAYS coming up WAY short.... I remember the cloak of humiliation I couldn't seem to shake because of the financial troubles we were struggling under.... I remember telling God time and time again that SURELY His bookkeeper had lost track and Jami Lynn Kastner was getting HER share of struggles and someone else's too....  Mostly I remember feeling that SURELY this would be the one thing to "do me in"..... SURELY I would NOT make it through THIS struggle... this battle for my life, heart and soul... But guess what everyone??? I did.  I made it through. Sometimes it wasn't pretty. Sometimes I could have stood taller. Sometimes I should have trusted more or held it together longer, BUT regardless I MADE IT THROUGH!

Someone out there needs to hear this today!  You are facing one of those bloody knuckle, gripping for dear life, I canNOT do THIS one more second situations! You feel at the end of your rope, strength depleted, can't see two feet in front of you, hope tank on E. But I'm here to tell you, "HANG ON!" You will make it through. And when you're at the end of your rope... when you have NOTHING left... when you are empty... you are in the PERFECT place for Him to work.

One day in the not too distant future, maybe you too will have a song that triggers memories of this time, this season in life. Your gut may knot up in remembrance. Your heart may surge a little. But then you will STOP and realize, "I MADE IT THROUGH!"  Please hang on.  Please stand strong. You WILL make it through!

God used Pandora???

I recently downloaded the Pandora app to my smart phone. I'm slowly but surely getting the hang of it. I guess you type in a song (or artist, or genre) you like and it creates a like-minded "station" for you to listen to. Every once in a while you have to endure a few commercials, but other than that it is free. I downloaded it for the purpose of working out. I didn't want to go purchase a bunch of new workout songs from iTunes, and I didn't want to listen to the SAME old music EVERY workout. So I got Pandora.

Yesterday I found the genre search function and "created" a radio station Contemporary Christian, and POW! it was like God Himself was choosing the songs for that "station" to play and I got a few messages from God while I sweated my butt off tackling the EVIL stair treadmill.  Each song that played spoke to my heart and soul... Each song brought me a word from God (some for others but mostly for me).  Here's the playlist that resulted and the lessons that came with it:

Get Back Up - Toby Mac
I <3 this song!  I just love every word of these lyrics! In fact, I've even blogged about it before. But today the message related to my new fitness plan. I have been doing SO well working out. I've been "on the wagon" for about three weeks now with a goal to get to the gym five or six days per week. I'm doing High Intensity Interval Training, weight lifting, and stretching. The first and second weeks, I worked out at the gym five days, did a stretch only workout one day and took one day off. This week has been not as good. My workload TRIPLED this week and I have been SWAMPED. In addition to Gramma Hilly being in and out of the hospital and preparing for Hannah's surgery, it has been an INSANE asylum around here!  Today is the last day in my workout week and so far I have worked out at the gym only three times, taken two days fully off, and done abs and a full body stretch on the other day.  I was feeling VERY discouraged and loathing the stench of failure in my nostrils when Toby Mac SCREAMED at me from the ear buds connected to my Smart Phone:  We lose our way... get back up again... its never too late... to get back up again... with each repetition of the chorus I was more and more encouraged and by the end of the song I was ready to battle the beast of getting back in shape ferociously again.

Call on Jesus - Nicole C. Mullen
This song makes my heart SWELL with encouragement. When I call on Jesus... mountains are gonna fall... But yesterday this song was for someone else.  Someone I have been praying for all week. Someone who made an AMAZING choice, lying down her own desires in the name of doing what He was calling her to. Someone whose heart is breaking from the pain of what he asked her to lie down.  Standing in front of her is this mountain of sadness, uncertainty and pain... And I want to tell her: When I call on Jesus.... mountains are gonna fall... and I want her to hear He'll move Heaven and earth to come rescue me when I fall.  And any of the rest of you with a mountain in front of you, I want you to hear this message When I call on Jesus... all things are possible... with Jesus on your side, you can DO IT!

You Never Let Go - Matt Redman
Blogged about this one before too... This time is for my family.... We are walking through a very tough time with my Gramma. She is in the end of her life. I don't know when she will pass (only God does)... this year... next... but I do know that we are losing her a little more each day. These lyrics soothed my soul that is mourning each tiny loss of her memory Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... Your perfect love is casting out fear... And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life... I won't turn back... I know you are near.... Mom... everyone... He's right there. He sees your pain. He knows your loss. Don't turn back!  Walk right next to Gramma all the way to the end... and KNOW that He is near.

You Love Me Anyway - Sidewalk Propehts
This week the wretchedness of my sin reared its ugly head again. In a heated "discussion" with someone, after maintaining my patience and godliness for quite some time, I snapped, lost it, and BLEW UP! I felt justified. I had held my tongue for a long time. I avoided blaming the other person. I took responsibility and apologized for unintentional slights that I really did not NEED to take blame for. So I was RIGHT when I finally drew the line in the sand! It was okay that I finally tried to STOP THE MADNESS and that I told that person OFF!  Until late Thursday night, as I read through my blog, and God poured CONVICTION on me with my own words. Such a strong wave of conviction that I nearly vomited. I immediately composed an e-mail repenting through my tears. Yet the guilt of my wretchedness was still lingering like that acidy feeling after you puke. This final song in my little Pandora Treadmill Time with God poured oil over my guilty conscience. I am the thorn in Your crown... But You love me anyway... I am the sweat from Your brow... But You love me anyway... I am the nail in Your wrist... But You love me anyway... I am Judas' kiss... But You love me anyway... See , I am the man who yelled out from the crowd for Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground... Yes then, I turned away with a smile on my face... With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace... And then alone in the night, I still called out for You... So ashamed of my life, my life, my life..


BUT YOU LOVE ME ANYWAY




So, you might ask, "What are you SAYING today Jami???"

1. Get your BUTT back up!  I don't care what wagon you have fallen off of: fitness, addiction, sexual sin, lying, temper.. I don't care!  GET UP!

2. With Jesus on your side, you can do ANYTHING!

3. God is right THERE! Through sickness, death, divorce, loss, fear, unemployment, a failing economy, surgery on your baby girl's eyes... God is RIGHT there!

4. He LOVES you anyway.  I always tell my babies:  "I love you when you're good. I love you when you're bad. I love you when you're clean. I love you when you're dirty. I LOVE YOU!"  He LOVES you!

Have a GREAT day everyone!  And check out that thing called Pandora  maybe God will use it to give you a word today too.

The baby with the glasses....

Hello dear blog readers. Do you feel used and abused because I only blog when there's something wrong? I don't know what to say except, "I'm sorry." See life swirls at such a frenzied pace around here that I literally have no time for the luxury of blogging. I have been doing a lot of freelance writing for Demand Studios which does not leave much time for blogging. But today life threw another one of those darn monkey wrenches at me, and I need a little therapy... the only therapy I can afford... blogging.

See it all started nearly five years ago....

We took Hannah to her 4 month well-baby checkup and I distractedly asked the pediatrician, "Is it a bad thing that her eye crosses like that?" Sure enough it was. My four-month old perfect baby girl had strabismus caused by the fact that she was severely far-sighted. Thus began an endless parade of HORRENDOUS little plastic glasses FINALLY replaced by cute and trendy frame after frame after frame!  No lie at this point the girl goes through AT LEAST three pairs of glasses per year.

***There was the time that she threw her little pink plastic glasses out the window of the minivan as we sped down I-94... never got those ones back.

***Then there was the season where we had to make her wear a patch over her strong eye for hours a day. We bought ADORABLE decorative patches: tiaras, flowers, polka dots, and pink, pink, pink... Alas it didn't make the patching more fun.

***and now this.

You know I thought by the fourth child I kinda had this parenting thing figured out... so HEY for a little twist let's through in this tiny pair of PRESCRIPTION eyeglasses and the HYSTERICAL task of keeping them on a baby's face, keeping her from teething on the lenses and EVEN retrieving them from the garbage can of a Target cashier who thought they were a TOY.

Our journey through the world of pediatric opthamology has been grueling; however, the past two appointments started revealing a light at the end of the tunnel. That was until today... when the tunnel caved in and the light was cut out, "The glasses aren't working. Hannah has to have surgery."  Those BLASTED little eyeglasses! The bane of my existence!  I retrieved them out of situations I don't care to reveal. I have offered reward after reward after REWARD for their recovery. I have spent the past two years driving an hour ONE WAY to travel to the amazing Lisa at the Stein Optical on Hwy 100 and National to make sure the bifocals in those precious little glasses were cut properly. I have cared for pair after pair after PAIR of those little glasses for five years.... and TODAY they let me down. They did NOT do the job. So now we have to travel down another bumpy road.

Now don't get me wrong people I KNOW that we CAN do this! I know that in the grand scheme of things... ranked next to a daddy who needed brain surgery and would be out of work with NO INCOME for months and would probably NEVER return to full pre-brain surgery strength... this measly little eye surgery carries little to no degree of difficulty. But... (and that's a very big BUT there):

1. that is MY baby girl they are going to be doing ROUTINE eye surgery on

2. I don't care that I CAN get through this... I don't WANT TO... I just don't want to!  I want God to reach down and miraculously touch those little eyes and make them WORK so I don't have to sit in a waiting room for 1 - 2 hours waiting while someone cuts my baby's eyeball open.

As I drove home from the doctor's visit, I ran to the one and ONLY place I can ever find comfort. I turned on K-Love... desperate for a word from my loving Father....  He just NEVER, EVER, EVER disappoints.

First I heard...

I was sure by now... God you would have reached down...
and wiped out tears away... stepped in to save the day...
but once again... I say amen... and its still raining...
as the thunder rolls... I barely hear You whisper through the rain....
"I'm with you."

Next...

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...
Your perfect love is casting out fear.
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life...
I won't turn back I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

So I will praise Him in this storm.... because I know my God is with me... But if you get a second please throw up a little prayer for the little girl with the eye glasses.... all her life she's worn those little eye glasses... but now she STILL has to have her eyes cut into... and while you're at it say a little prayer for her daddy... handing her over into the arms of the surgeon just may break that man. Oh and don't forget her momma too... a lady who has been through the WRINGER and just does not WANT to go there again.

Although as I always tell my children when they tell me what they want:  I want to be a size 10. I want to be sitting on the beach in Aruba. I want a clean house and less gray hair. 

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT!!!