Half-a-day without Internet....

Today read something like a book titled, Jami and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It should have been a GREAT day! Since he worked last Sunday, John got today off. I planned to zip through my morning work and then spend some time lounging about with him. How does that saying go again??? The best laid plans of mice and men....

Since John didn't have to work, I awoke VERY late, by 7:30 a.m. I am just groggy and off my game! Yesterday's headache had subsided but I could tell the slightest bit of stress would bring it roaring back. I started the coffee and sat at the table with my Bible. I'm still working my way through James and found a PEARL of wisdom at the end of chapter 3:

Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. James 3:18

John got up and headed downstairs to check his e-mail quickly before I got started working. He came up shortly thereafter bearing the news that would begin my slippery slide down into the valley of the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, "Can't get on the Internet." Well I rushed downstairs, cup of coffee sloshing to check out the situation and found that it was likely not our computer but a problem with our provider. I came to this deduction when I tried to call for technical support and was met with a continual busy signal. At 8:20 a.m. I finally reached a live person who told me, there was indeed an outage but they expected it to be resolved within in 30 minutes. Apparently in Bertram-Wireless"ese" 30 minutes = 7 hours because my Internet was not back up and fully functional until 3:20 p.m.

Many of you may be thinking, "So what? You couldn't play your turn on FB Scrabble. Big WHOOP!" But may I remind you that this blog writer is not a stay-at-home mom she is a WORK-at-home mom.... just changing that first word makes a world of difference when considering Internet service. I was hamstrung! No Internet means no work! Well, for most mortal women. I on the other hand am a little more stubborn than that. Using my Blackberry I downloaded the obscure browser Opera (because it is the only Blackberry browser compatible with our remote e-mail service). I then logged onto my e-mail and could at least monitor my workload and answer e-mails for a few hours. By lunch, however, it was getting a little dire and I had CALLS to make. I created a little workaround which involved the help of a few coworkers, but I got the job DONE today!

It got me thinking.... do I approach a day without God's Word with the urgency I approached this half-a-day without the Internet???? Am I as determined to find a workaround when I awaken late and "don't have time" for my quiet time? Am I as jittery and sketchy about getting time with God as I was about meeting my work deadlines today? I've gotta be honest, since that is the whole premise of this blog I've created here: I'm not. A day without God's word bring a bit of guilt and a ton of excuses, but I honestly do not attack that problem with the tenacity I attacked my inability to logon to work today. But I WANT to. I WANT God to be SO much a part of my day... so vitally important... that I come up with whatever workaround is necessary to make sure that not a day goes by without me spending a little time with Him.

I bet you do too.... But life is so crazy, so busy.... There are so many things to do... children to feed... messes to clean.... work to be done... But guess what??? We MAKE time for the things that are important to us! And we have to MAKE time for our God. The next time your cell phone is broken.... or your car breaks down... microwave is on the fritz.... washing machine won't do the spin cycle... As you sit there lamenting the stress of not being able to text your BFF... not being able to drive to all the places you want to be... having to make popcorn the old fashioned way on the burner with a pan (yes Christine and Courtney you CAN make popcorn without a microwave)... or schlepping the clothes to the laundromat.... Use it as an opportunity to inventory your time with God. Ruminate on the lengths to which you are willing to go to get around those inconveniences.... And then get inspired to be just that bullheaded in getting around anything in between you and your time with your God.

Just a few quick Kastner updates:

1. We cancelled John's neurocognitive test because we were trying to figure out what was going on with the vehicles of this household.

2. The minivan should be ready tomorrow.... after this second round of attempts to fix it, the tab is going to almost reach the initial estimate's cost: just over $500 will be the entire damage. Buick is going to cost another $300 to fix. We can't swing that right now (on top of the minivan repairs) so we'll be waiting to get that fixed.

3. God is still SOOOOOOO good! He is JUST as good as He was back on Saturday when we thought it was only $130 to fix the minivan. He is JUST as good as He was when we had two perfectly reliable vehicles. He is good ALL the time! Don't you forget that!

I *heart* my blog readers!

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

I Thessalonians 5:11

WOW! Thank you ALL so much! I got a ton of encouragement from yesterday's comments/replies. (Oh and aren't the reaction buttons FUN?!?!?!) It was so good to hear that my "debasement" encourages people. If what I am going through ministers to just ONE person, then I consider the humiliation of laying it all out there, WELL worth it! So on I share... get ready because the roller coaster ride continues:

About an hour after I posted my blog yesterday, John returned home in the minivan. I rushed out to greet him and said, "Show me those brake lights, baby!" I saw no lights. My stomach fell a little. I asked, "Are you pressing the brake?" He confirmed he was. "Ummmmm nothing is happening." I said feeling a little sick. "Try the blinker." Nope! Nada! "Are the headlights on?" They were. No taillights either.

So our little problem was NOT actually fixed. Joy! Joy! We called the repair shop (which keep in mind had our Buick in its lot waiting to be looked at), and our friend Stevie apologized profusely. He promised that HE would be the one to work on the van this time, and he would figure out what the problem was, and he agreed to pick it up from our house on Monday because we NOW are actually carless. He also agreed to try to get a look at the Buick right away so we could at least have one car back.

A recheck of the van indicated that we actually had taillights and brake lights, IF we were not using the blinkers, but once the blinker was used, the taillights and brake lights were gone. So we decided to jet to Franklin and borrow my parents truck so John would be able to get to and from work. I tried hard not to use the blinker the whole way.

So here we are. We have NO working vehicle. We have borrowed my parents truck (not sure how long we can use it though), and John can get to and from work, but we still have not heard anything about the Buick and the minivan's problem remains undiagnosed. Wanna know the weird thing? I'm not scared. Really! I promise you. I'm not! I'm not discouraged. I keep pinching myself thinking maybe I'm asleep or something, but I'm not discouraged at all. Wanna know the weirdest thing? I'm kinda excited and happy. Now before you call social services to come get my children because they are being cared for by an insane woman, PLEASE let me explain.

I'm excited because I am EXPECTING something HUGE from God. I really am. I am expecting a HUMDINGER to WOW the world on this one. That's part of why I rushed down here to blog about this today. See if the miracle happens BEFORE I get to put the crazy, DIRE, need-the-red-sea-parted situation out there, then it will lose a little of it's SHEBANG! when I finally tell it. I wanted you to hear the situation, to feel the need, and to have a chance to be a part of the MIRACLE! Pray right this instant. STOP your reading and PRAY that God takes care of the Kastner's transportation situation. Because I promise you with ALL of me, if you pray you WILL see that prayer answered and you WILL be part of a miracle. I know with all of me the Kastners will see miracles through this. We already have seen one: while carless, John is still driving to and from work thanks to a loaner car from his generous in-laws. So QUICK pray so you can be a part of the next miracle which is coming.

I'm also happy. I swear I'm not just working hard to find good in a bad situation. I am really, truly giddy happy over this. John gets to drive the truck! Even if it is for only just a few days, he has been reunited with a past love, and it is AWESOME for him. In case you don't know, the truck used to be ours, but desperate finances caused for desperate measures, and we handed the truck back over to my parents. That truck was the NICEST vehicle John has ever "owned" (granted the bank owned it and we were making payments to them for it... but you get what I'm saying right?) My husband is not a proud man. He GRATEFULLY drives a 1990"ish" Buick LeSabre, with no a/c (and no longer any blower motor even), with a driver's seat which is stuck in recline, with a driver's side window that doesn't roll down, and with a "Don't let the car fool you, my treasure is in heaven" bumper sticker. He thanks God for the little beater every day because it CONTINUES to get him to and from work, and because it was a MIRACLE from Heaven as our Pastor and his wife GAVE it to us for FREE. So I know that I know that I know that he would never speak an ill word of his precious little beater Buick, and that he is not too proud to drive it. However, I also know that he is LOVING driving that truck again. In his heart, that baby will always be "his" and while he doesn't love it more than Jesus or me or his children... no matter who "owns" it he will ALWAYS love that thing with a deep and abiding love. So I am HAPPY that in the midst of this trying time, with his neck still throbbing from his recent setback and with the stress of having not one but TWO vehicles in the shop, that he is at least able to have a LITTLE bit of comfort from being reunited with his love truck.

So where's the lesson Jami? Well... this morning I was reading James 1 and something hit me. Now I have memorized the ENTIRE book of James (with my sixth graders in 1996... are you one of them? shout out and say you memorized it for me!) so I KNOW this verse. However, this morning it hit me in a different way.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

James 1:2

PURE joy it says. PURE!!!! I thought about the word "pure" for a little bit. I thought about the fact that one tiny little speck can make something "impure." So PURE joy conjures up the idea of NOT ONE SPECK of worry, fear, doubt, anger. NOTHING but JOY when you face a trial. I do not know if my joy right now is pure, but I do know that it is the closest thing to pure it has ever been. I keep thinking, "Shouldn't I be stressing about this?" The thought will flit through my head, "Shouldn't my tummy be in at least a little bit of knots?" I almost feel guilty like shouldn't I at least have a "healthy" amount fear about this situation? But I don't. Am I a little inconvenienced because of it? Sure! I forgot to get coffee yesterday at Wal-Mart so I am drinking my LAST cup of coffee this morning. However, once again I am unable to drive even to Mayville to get some. Am I a little disappointed because of this situation? Sure! We missed out on a lake party John's boss was having yesterday. Not only had I prepared TWO dishes to bring along, but the kids had been wearing life jackets ALL day in anticipation of the event and then we couldn't go. Do I wish a little for the easy way out? Sure! I would find it GREAT if I looked out my window to find God had dropped a BRAND new fuel-efficient, 4-wheel drive vehicle which seats 7 on my driveway. He could even put a pretty red bow on top for effect. But in spite of all these feelings there is no worry, no fear, no anger. I am excited in anticipating the resolution of this matter and I am happy that John gets a little time to re-kindle his love for his "baby" (a pretty black Chevy truck).

So maybe that is my lesson today.... PURE joy. Not just searching for good in the bad, but really truly just having JOY

*JOY that we were considered worthy to be used as God's billboard again

*JOY that we were chosen to be the recipients of another miracle of God (for what else is it but a miracle when you are driving to work but you don't have a working vehicle???)

*JOY that we are poised to be the recipients of another miracle (for He did NOT bring us out this far to take us back again!)

*JOY that John gets to drive the truck again

*JOY that no matter what He has us in His capable hands.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

James 1:2

[One quick prayer request: Tomorrow John is having a neuro cognitive test done to establish a base line so the doctor can track if his memory issues are a result of a nerological problem. It is an eight hour test! PLEASE pray for him.]

God's billboard.....

So yesterday I spent some time skimming through my blog entries and adding labels to them in order to encourage people to read more parts of my blog. As I read I started to feel a deepening sense of shame settle upon me. Ugh! Our life as chronicled in my blog reads like a never-ending story of destitution! I started to feel embarrassment and shame creep in. Maybe I shouldn't be telling everyone all this. It is so HUMILIATING! I felt a quiet whisper to my soul, "I have a purpose. This is not for nothing." Without fully getting the "purpose" I plodded on finishing up my labeling and moving on to another task.

Later I was sharing this with Christina. I said to her, "I guess my faith must just be REALLY weak because it keeps on being tested." She responded with words that comforted my soul, but more than that, I believe they were a word directly from God. She said, "No.... Your faith is really STRONG. People around you need to have their faith strengthened and God knows you are strong enough to do that for us." I pondered that a little and tucked it away.

Finally, the third piece of the puzzle came to me during Family Worship. We were singing the song Undignified by the David Crowder Band. We got to this part:

And I'll become

Even more undignified than this

Some may say

It's foolishness

And I'll become

Even more undignified than this

Leave my pride

By my side

and it HIT me! HARD! Maybe God is calling me to lay my shame and humiliation out there for everyone to see so that they can ALSO see His power and greatness revealed through it, and if that is the CASE!!!!! I'll become even more undignified than this!!! I completely WILL leave my pride by my side! This stinks! It is humiliating! I'd much prefer to be living with creature comforts... bills paid on time... vehicles that WORK! but if just ONE person sees Jesus through my humiliation, then BRING IT ON! Let me be debased! Let me be humbled! Let me be poorer then poor for I am being used by God.

This morning God revealed more to me: John and I are a billboard for God. He is using us to broadcast His power because he found us to be strong enough to take it and to have big enough mouths to blab about even the embarrassing parts of our struggles!

Here's what happened this morning..... If you've been keeping up on my blog, you know that our minivan is in the shop. The original estimate was $600. A preliminary report (which we thought was their "final answer") was that the repair would only cost $118.92; however, not too long after, we were told that was only the figure for the FIRST thing they were trying to fix the problem. We have been CLINGING to hope and REFUSING to let the devil make us worry since TUESDAY. Yet still NO answer from the repair shop.

Yesterday John's Buick started having some troubles. We prayed HARD, but this morning he called me at about 9 a.m. and said he could NOT get the car into gear. Trying not to panic at the thought of being completely without a car, I called my parents who are out of town for the weekend (and by my count would have at least two if not three unused cars sitting in front of their house right now). Dad said, "Go get the truck." So I started making plans to figure out how to pick up the truck, while John called the repair shop to see if they could tell him what the problem might be with the Buick.

I went in and rallied the troops. Told them that we needed to pray for a miracle. The kids sat up rubbing sleep out of their eyes and immediately bowed their heads. After we prayed for a miracle, I returned to the kitchen and started texting my "prayer warriors." Before I could even FINISH the text, John was calling back. When he called to ask about the Buick, he was told the minivan was READY. While the guy didn't have the exact total, he remembered it was less than $130!!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!! I didn't even have time to ask my friends to PRAY for a miracle before I received it!

Over and over and over again over the past few weeks God has been speaking to me, "If God is for us who can be against us?" That is what I want to speak to you today. For those of you who need a miracle RIGHT now, please listen closely and read this part carefully: He already has your miracle PREPARED! Just because you don't see it yet, doesn't mean it isn't coming!!! Do you believe that He is on your side???? Then what does it matter what you face??? You have a BIG HUGE GOD on your side! Doesn't matter what the devil has on his side. It can't compare to what you have.

Let's imagine that Elijah and a bunch of 7 year olds are going to play basketball. Let's say that standing among the 7-year olds waiting to be picked for a team is Shaquille O'Neal. Elijah is a team captain, and he gets first pick. He, OF COURSE, picks Shaq. Does it matter who the other kid picks for his team???? Does it matter if he takes ALL the 7 year olds available???? Elijah has SHAQUILLE O'NEAL on his team!!!! The game is OVER before it begins!

That is what you have. Does it matter if the other side scores a few points? Does it matter if they win a few battles??? You have GOD on your side!!! We ALL know that NO ONE can beat God so Satan can have his trivial little victories for in the end.... GOD WINS!

I hope this installment of the Kastner's destitution turns into a MIRACULOUS victory for God has encouraged you. I know it encouraged me... and Christina... and Rosalind...

The miracle of life: a cat's birth story

On Monday evening, our little Mercie Mae gave birth to four healthy kittens. Go ahead and laugh at the new country peops... we thought she was too young to get preggos. Turns out a kitten "becomes a woman" quite earlier than a human. In our ignorance, we started letting our NOT-fixed kitty freely roam our country locale, and before you know it, one too many late nights led to a very bulging abdomen.

As the end of her pregnancy approached I kept lamenting, "I'm not even a cat person!" I was thinking, "Yeah! This is JUST what I need! Because I didn't have enough stuff to do around here already." When her behavior changed significantly on Monday morning, it became QUITE evident we'd be helping her birth those kittens soon. I had read on the Internet (what in the WORLD did we do before Google???) that because of her young age, there was a high chance that Mercie would have a small liter, give birth to dead kittens, and/or have no interest in the kittens. The Internet gave details on how to help your cat give birth just in case she showed no interest. "Ewwwwww!" I screamed out to God after reading the instructions, "I can't be a cat midwife! I didn't even like being in the room when I gave birth!"

Well, Mia Peiffer, my friend's daughter, wanted to be informed when the kittens were born. She called on Monday night to check if they were here yet. I told her no kittens yet and hung up the phone. Within five minutes of that call I heard the first kitten mewling. It was like she was prophetic! I quickly called John, and we stood watch to "help" Mercie with her labor. What happened amazed me and filled me with wonder at how great our God is. (I'm not gonna lie it also made me gag SEVERAL times.)

Our Mercie Mae, still really a kitten herself, knew exactly what to do. She did everything just like the Internet said she would. AMAZING! How did she do that? I didn't buy her a kitten version of What to Expect When You're Expecting. She just KNEW. The instincts God gave her kicked in and she just KNEW!

What an amazing God we serve! What an incredible Creator! He took the time to make sure that EVERY SINGLE creature on this earth would know EXACTLY how to bring new life into this world! This silly little kitty knew exactly how to bring those kittens into this world. She has also become QUITE the great momma cat, caring for those kittens like a pro.

It reminds me of "consider the lilies of the field..." If God cared THIS much about cats, how much MORE does he care about you! You are so much more precious to Him then a cat! You are created in His image! You are the apple of his eye! You are important enough to Him that He sent His ONE and ONLY Son to die for you! Do you really think He doesn't see your problems? Do you really think He doesn't know about your pain? Do you really think He doesn't care? Pshaw! He sees. He knows. He cares.

P.S. Stay turned for a "Free to a good home" post in a few months!

Too blessed to be stressed....

Do you ever just wonder what business God is about? Like I mean, I TRUST Him, and I KNOW that He has my best interest at heart; however, there are times when I just think, "Seriously God? Seriously?" The funny part is this is a RECURRING theme in my life. Almost always I have SO MUCH on my plate that any mere mortal would be in the loony bin from like HALF of what I'm dealing with... It makes me think, "Hmmmmm God what are you doing in this situation? What am I supposed to glean?" and I'm not gonna lie pretty frequently, "When will this all end!?!?!?!"

Take for instance today:

1. John is on the second day of being home with another neck/brain surgery setback. It was really VERY innocent. On Tuesday night, Hannah jumped up on him to hug him then she grabbed his chin to turn his head and give him a kiss, and POW! excruciating pain and he literally collapsed to the bed. Well, not really one to give up without a fight, John went to work on Wednesday but even during his commute when he called, I could tell he was in no shape to work. He was back home shortly after lunch and has not left bed since. The most ironic part of all of this is that on Sunday he said to me, "Babe, I have been trying to deny it for almost two days, but I think I have another kidney stone." Well I don't know how many of you recall that part of the saga. How in late 2008 - early 2009, John had three different bouts with kidney stones, and how one scan of his kidneys revealed "several" stones in the kidneys. AYE YI YI! REALLY!?!?!? So now this one week we are dealing with kidney stones AND brain surgery setbacks. The only good news is that now the pain from his neck is so severe that he can't feel the kidney stones moving.

2. Every now and then this telecommuting thing is not so fun. See Hannah infiltrated my office this morning and picked up my work phone when it was ringing. When I figured that out I wanted to PUKE! I just spent the morning doing damage control: apologizing to the reference, apologizing to the client, apologizing to my boss... My stomach is still in knots from the entire ordeal.

3. Our minivan... so yesterday I rejoiced to my family and even ALL of FB about the fact that our minivan repair, which had been estimated at $600 was only going to be $118.92. Then just before lunch I called to check on the status and the owner of the shop said, "Well that's just the first thing we're trying. We don't know for sure that is going to fix the whole problem. Didn't they tell you that?" Well, no, kind, balloon-popping sir, they did NOT tell me that... thanks for peeing on my parade! I have been CLINGING to my hope though and REFUSING to doubt. I am trying to BELIEVE that the first thing will be the only thing and this will STILL be a miracle from God; however, they STILL haven't called back about it.

So in the midst of all of this, I'm left to wonder a little:

God what are you doing in this situation??? (actually THESE situationS.) This morning I read this out of Hebrews 12:7a Endure hardship as discipline; and from Hebrews 12:11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. I have mused before about why we suffer, but this week as I've been reading in Hebrews I have been hearing over and OVER from God, "WHY you suffer doesn't matter. HOW you suffer DOES!" Take the suffering... take the hardship... as discipline. Discipline doesn't only mean punishment. Discipline also means training. When we endure hardships, we should consider ourselves to be "in training." Now John and I have been in training A LOT since we've been married. I keep telling myself, athletes training for the Olympics require MUCH MORE discipline than those training for a recreation department athletic event. So I keep soothing myself by imagining myself as an Olympic athlete.

What am I supposed to glean??? This question has SO many answers for my situation today. Some of them I am sure have not even been brought to my attention yet. But so far here is what I have:

1. the body is a frail thing. It cannot be cut open and have a portion of it's skull removed without far-lasting implications.

2. pain is sooooooooo relative. Kidney stone pain seems excruciating; however, when compared to the pain of the side-effects from brain surgery... it becomes minute. That is an IMPORTANT lesson... because the stress of having a sick husband, a big boo boo at work, an out of commission minivan can look pretty HUGE but when compared to the stress of _________ it could become minute.

3. EVERYONE makes mistakes. EVERYONE has snafus. See I live in this terrible world where I expect Jami Lynn Kastner to be perfect. One tiny mistake... One tiny screw up.... and I am spiraling out of control, hating myself, thinking I'm worthless. Yes I SHOULD have shut the door to my office. Yes I SHOULD have noticed sooner that Hannah was not upstairs. But EVERYONE makes mistakes. I have to learn to deal with that.

4. Do not EVER let Satan steal your joy. I was dancing around, bawling yesterday when they called to tell me that the van would be $118.92. Then after the second call I couldn't quite conjure up dancing. My parade had been metaphorically peed on, but I still REFUSED to stress or worry about it being more costly. I chose to keep my mind trained on the $118.92 and I REFUSED to look at the $600 looming in the distance. See that is a CHOICE! We ALLOW Satan to steal our joy. We ALLOW Satan to make us worry. We can CHOOSE not to give him that power.

5. God is God over ALL of this too. He is God over John's neck pain. He is God over John's kidneys too. He is God over John's job and this time spent out of work. He is God over my job and the issues Hannah caused. He is God over our minivan and its possessed taillights. He is God!

Finally, to my last question:

When is this all going to end??? I have longed for a VERY long time from relief from continual and constant "testing of my faith"... I know! I know! it's "developing perseverance." I know! I know! "Perseverance must finish its work." I know! I know! that when perseverance finishes its work I will be "mature and complete.... not lacking anything." But guess what???? I am TIRED and I think my faith has been tested enough! But here's the answer to my question... Even if it NEVER ends. Even if this is what the REST OF MY LIFE looks like: wounded husband, tight finances, enough stress on my plate to feed a family of seventeen.... I will STILL praise Him, AND I am STILL too blessed to be stressed!

God has given me more than I could ever ask for. More than I could ever imagine. Whether He has me walking down sunny paths with flowers lining the way or trudging up a rocky cliff with my blood trailing behind... It doesn't matter because I will never stop loving Him and I will never stop believing that I am blessed.