More on weeds...

I mowed the lawn today.... and I have more to say about weeds.... I know... I know!  I talk a lot about weeds.  Kinda seems like all I do is garden, but with 1.89 acres to care for, weeds figure into the equation quite a bit.

Our lawn is actually a quite frightful sight right now. I keep praying that God will water it for us because moving a sprinkler around a 2 acre lot is not only wasteful it just might give a passing environmentalist a heart attack! Our lawn is more brown than green right now, and the patch on top of the septic hill is COMPLETE hay. We just haven't gotten much rain lately and things have gone a little dormant. The lawn really actually didn't need to be mowed except for the WEEDS!  DARN WEEDS!

Out in the country we have these noxious things. They start out looking like a pricker plant, but in the BLINK OF AN EYE this stick grows up from the center of the pricker plant shooting up to about 2 feet tall in no time at all. So while our grass is brown and nearly dormant barely in need of mowing, the weeds scattered ALL over our lawn needed to be mowed and were nearly as high as the riding lawn mower. So I put the mowing deck on the second highest setting and set out to mow my weeds.

As I mowed I marveled at how what I want to grow (my grass) is dormant and near death and what I want to  go away (the weeds) is thriving and vibrant. I also marveled at how as I ran over them, many of the weeds resisted the mowing blade having found solace under the tire of the mower until after the blade passed. I mowed the WHOLE lawn yet still there are a good 30 of those plants, mocking me with their 18" height.

How like life huh? What we want to grow (faith, hope, love, patience, kindness) has to be coddled and watered and fed and babied just to show the TINIEST shade of growth.  And what we want to slay (greed, selfishness, pride, anger, lewdness) fights our every attempt to annihilate it. On a daily basis we have to cultivate what we WANT in our lives: pure speech, peace, trust and at the same time we have to fight the urge to cuss, fret, vent, and SCREAM!  Left to itself, the lawn of our hearts would be just like my lawn... dormant, dead, brown grass with knee-high weeds thriving across it.

There is no easy way out of this dilemma. Only hard, back breaking work will bring about that which is good in our souls. Only daily Bible reading, continual prayer, and CONSTANT choices to REJOICE in our trials will give us a heart as pure as gold. Only minute-by-minute slaying our selves, laying down our wills, and FIGHTING Satan tooth & nail will get rid of the dross that floats on the top of our hearts.

My lawn problem isn't solved. I should probably get a TON of weed killer and go on an all out WAR against those evil little things.... But my war against the problem with my heart has new wind beneath its sail. Fighting those weeds encouraged me to fight my sins, to fight against the devil, and to rail against my own selfish desires.

Hope you enjoyed this little bit of John-Deere inspiration.  Now go fight some weeds!

I have a cat....

Did you ever have one of those moments where something quite obvious hits you like it is brand new?  The other day I was sitting in the living room. Job came into the room, and I thought, "Holy crap!  I have a cat!"

For those of you who don't know me "real and in the flesh" let me just say, I am the LEAST likely person to have a cat. I mean besides a mouse there is NO OTHER creature on the face of this planet who is LESS likely to own a cat than Jami Lynn Kastner (okay maybe my dad too). In my pre-cat owning days, I had a saying that went something like this, "The only good cat is a dead cat."

However, we live in the country now. We are NEXT DOOR neighbors with cows. When it gets cold in the country, mice have a way of finding passage into a warm country house.  Hence the need for a cat.  See our cat isn't just a pet. This is a WORKING household, and every member of it has a job to do.  Job's job is catching mice.  Anywhoos... that is the reason why the other day I found myself faced with the stark realization that, "I have a cat!"

Life hits me that way sometimes too.

     "I have FOUR kids!"

     "I am 41!"

     "I canNOT do a toe touch anymore!

These things SHOULDN'T surprise me, yet time and time again they do.

Here's one that hits me like a ton of bricks over and OVER again:

     Christ died for my sins.

CHRIST the Son of God, the Lord of Lords, the Prince of Peace...

DIED a horrible, painful, disgusting, excruciating, inhumane death on a cross...

FOR MY... Jami Lynn Kastner, not some random, faceless, nameless person... ME...

SINS my ick, my ugly, the things I wish no one knew, the shameful, miserable, filthy, rotten stuff

Let it hit you like a sucker punch to the gonads!  The absolutely perfect, sinless God of this universe suffered and died for YOU! Not because you deserved it.  Not because you're a pretty good person.  While you were still a dirty rotten sinner... While I was still a dirty rotten sinner....  Christ died for us!  for no other reason than because He loved us SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much He couldn't stand the thought of living without us.

Let the beauty of that OBVIOUS truth hit you like it is BRAND NEW today.

Christ died for my sins.

Worship Wednesday: Get Back Up!

[sorry couldn't find this song to add it to my playlist and play automatically here... if you want to listen to it follow this link]

I have been waiting and waiting to do this song by Toby Mac for Worship Wednesday FOREVER!!!! It is an AWESOME tune, but week after week has found me TOO busy on Wednesdays to blog about this song! Well this week I am bound and determined to get this blog posted before this Worship Wednesday ends!

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,
You saw it comin' but it hit you outta nowhere

Have you ever had this happen to you? You saw something coming yet STILL it "hit you outta nowhere? I have and let me tell you what! It KNOCKS you to your knees! I've been the one to fall and the victim of hurt resulting from another's fall, and I tell you... Both situations knock you to your knees! HARD!

We lose our way,
We get back up again

Here's what we do: we lose our way??? Get back up again! Fall into sin??? Get back up again! Devastated by the sin of another??? GET BACK UP AGAIN!!!

It's never too late to get back up again,

Never, ever, ever, EVER! It is NEVER too late to get back up again. God will not run out of mercy! Jesus' redeeming blood NEVER runs dry! It is never too late so GET BACK UP AGAIN!

You may be knocked down,
But not out forever,

...because a knock down does NOT mean you are out forever.

This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken,
This is love callin'.
This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken
This is love callin'.
This is love callin', love callin',
I am so broken
This is love callin' love callin

God loves you, broken. God know you are, broken. God is calling you, broken. So go to Him, broken.

This blog is SUCH GOOD NEWS!!!! It is ok that you fell. It is okay that you're broken. He is calling you!!!! Just GET BACK UP AGAIN!!!

I hope you have a great end to this Worship Wednesday, and I hope that you will have the courage to get back up again. Remember: I'm routing for you!

Day 3... Epic Fail

Ugh! I was NOT a shining beacon of God's light today. Ugh.... This was a BAD day.

It all started because of the Kastner Family Homeschooling Doctrine. See our Statement of Faith on homeschooling does not include the words "Summer Break." From the Head Mistress's point of view, we do take a break in the summer because we only do reading and math. But the pupils of this Academy of Insanity do not see that as a break, and today they revolted over that fact. They whined their way through math, complained their way through flashcards, and gnashed their teeth through reading, and the teacher did NOT respond to the melee with grace.

I got frustrated. I was impatient. I muttered to myself, "THIS!?!?!? Is what I gave up my career for?!?!". It was not a banner day.

But even in an epic fail there is a lesson to be learned. Even in a major screw up there is value. By Family Worship time I had gotten control of my frustration and conviction had set in. We started with a lecture and then moved into a repentant spirit of worship. The first song had me on my knees bawling. I poured out my repentance to my God. By the time we closed in prayer, all hearts had repented and not many eyes were dry.

See sometimes a Momma has to teach her children what to do when they screw up, and oftentimes showing them what to do is better than telling them.

Shame is NOT God's game....

We've been down to the bottom, stories we've got em

When we hit rock bottom

If you been there put your hands in the air

So let the lost know that someone cares

Superchick

I've been thinking a lot about shame lately. In that Karen Kingsbury book I finished last week the main character was overwhelmed by the shame of a ten-year old sin. She even fretted God would punish someone if she prayed for them, because her sin was so grievous.

You know what? We've all got sin. None of us is exempt. We all have something we wish NO ONE knew, and we fear EVERYONE will find out. And trust me... God is not put off by our ickiness... "While we were still sinners...." (Romans 5:8) That's when Christ died for us!

Shame is just such a silly waste of time! God doesn't want your shame or guilt. He wants you to be convicted. He wants you to turn away from your sin. But wallowing in shame.... That's the devil's game... Not God's.

If you have a sin in your past (or even in your present) don't waste time on the shame game! Confess it! Turn away from it! And start your journey away from it. That's God's game.

I *heart* Karen Kingsbury!

I don't think I've written much about Karen Kingsbury in this blog. I believe it is because I don't find myself having much time for reading anymore. But I LOVE Karen Kingsbury. In fact, if I had more time, I think I'd stalk her. She is the BEST author I have ever in my life encountered. Many times, John has found me huddled in the bathroom (because I didn't want my sobs to wake him) at 2 a.m. finishing one of her books. However, last night her writing did something new for me. The sobs which emanated from me as I read weren't just sobs of empathy. They were sobs which brought waves of healing that I needed SO badly. This time her writing did not just make me feel something, her novel brought me healing. The topic at the root of the book was not something I could relate too, but every issue that spring out of that main topic hit me hard.

***I was convicted about my propensity to sit up on my high horse when I've been wronged and think how LUCKY the person who wronged me is that I extended my royal scepter and deemed to forgive their lowly butt.

***I was humbled by the reminder that no matter how sorry we are about a sin we can't go back and change it and its consequences will be endured no matter how contrite we are.

There were so many life applications I found in this novel that I literally had to sit still a few minutes after turning the last page. I was a bit stunned, and my head was spinning. God was whispering SO many things to my heart that I didn't know which one to allow my brain to settle on first. I am still in the process of working through all of this, but here is the part I wanted to share with all of you.

A few days ago I blogged about my struggle with the concept of forgiving and forgetting. Remember I talked about the salt (like our sin) being completely dissolved in water?? Well in processing the thoughts and feelings I had after this book, I came to an understanding about a new facet of forgiveness that I would like to share. Here is is.

As previously stated, I don't believe forgiveness is forgetting. I also don't believe forgiveness and healing are synonymous. I don't believe I have to be completely over a sin to forgive it. I don't believe that I have to never ever bring it up or mourn the consequences of it in order to have forgiven it. I think that forgiveness means choosing to continue loving in spite of the sin. I think that when someone hurts us we can IMMEDIATELY let go of that sin and FORGIVE. I believe that forgiveness can take place instantly. But depending upon the magnitude of the sin, it make take us a while to heal from the wound of it. It may take us a while to rebuild. But needing time to heal or slowly rebuilding these things do not indicate an absence of forgiveness and in order to heal and rebuild we must REMEMBER.

Here's my analogy:

Imagine being sinned against is like an earthquake in your life. Forgiveness is your choice to go on living. You may have lost loved ones in the earthquake. Your house may be rubble and your livelihood may be in ruins. But you make a choice to forge ahead. As you forge ahead, you may need time for the injuries you sustained to heal. Rebuilding your home and reestablishing your livelihood will not happen overnight. The pain of the loved ones you lost will sting for a very long time. However, none of these things mean that you are not going to continue on living.

When someone sins against us, we can make the choice IMMEDIATELY to forgive. We may have lost innocence or trust because of their sin. Our hearts may be rubble and our spirits may be in ruins, but we make a choice to forgive. Forgiveness isn't a magic wand that makes everything "okay." We still need time for our injuries to heal. We still need time to rebuild trust and to whittle away bitterness and anger. The pain of what was done to us will sting for a very long time. However, none of these things mean that we have not forgiven.

More then a decade ago, I was sinned against in a grievous way. What made matters worse was the sinful thing was done to me by a fellow believer in Christ. I was not just hurt by that single incident. My world was rocked by the thought, "How can part of the body of Christ DO THIS?" I was not as good at forgiving back then, and it took me awhile to get to the point that I even wanted to forgive. Yet to this day, nearly twelve years later, when I look back on that situation, I cringe a little at the memory of the devastation it wrought. I do not believe that means I did not forgive. I believe that means that I suffered a PAINFUL betrayal and the more painful the betrayal the longer it will take to heal from it.

I guess that is all I wanted to say for today.... I already feel a blog for tomorrow building in my heart... Wish I had a good teaser for it, but I don't want to give anything away...

See you tomorrow.

On sin and salt water....

I was searching this morning for an analogy. See one of my pet peeves is the saying, "Forgive and forget." Because I find it literally IMPOSSIBLE to forget the big hurts in my life. I think I am a pretty forgiving person. In fact, on occasion, I have been accused of being too forgiving. However, STILL I have never been able to transition from forgiveness into that state where I literally do NOT remember the offense. I just don't think it's possible. Hence why that statement peeves me.

This morning I was trying to come up with one of my famous analogies to explain the fact that even though a sin is forgiven the consequences of it still remain. It's still a part of you. I was sorting through comparisons like oil and water which I didn't really like because to some extent the sin we dabble with is more completely dissolved in us, more like salt dissolves in water.......

When I hit puberty, I started losing my knobby kneed, emaciated look in a BIG way. My gymnastics coach took notice of this and began lecturing me on how fat I was becoming. My response was to request bathroom breaks from gymnastics practice to go to the bathroom and make myself throw up. My disorder grew throughout high school and college, crescendoing when I was in Denver for my first teaching job. It was there that through counseling and eventually a miraculous healing that I conquered my eating disorder. However, even still I carry with me a little bit of that 13-year old girl in a leotard bending over the toilet. Now in a season of life where I have lost control of my fitness and weight I still am haunted by her. Even still if I overeat, I am tempted to shove a toothbrush down my throat. Even in healing I am somehow a bit different than someone who never forced herself to throw up to try to be thinner.

I was searching for the analogy to illustrate this enigmatic quality of sin, when I came up with the salt in water concept. I started working it. When we taste of forbidden fruit, when we dabble in sin, it's like pouring salt into a glass of water. The salt dissolves and even if we stop sinning, even if we stop pouring more salt in the water, the salt is still there. It's a part of us. When all of a sudden from out of NOWHERE God hit me with a science lesson out of the kids Abeka text book. They had to boil salt water to learn that salt from the ocean doesn't evaporate. I heard God whisper to me, "I can boil you. You will become a water vapor leaving your salty sin behind." WOW! It ministered to me in ways I cannot explain. And it reminded me of a truth from my very favorite movie EVER (Facing the Giants), "With God all things are possible!" He can remove the salt of sin from my life. Whether I poured that salt in on my own or whether someone else poured it into me, God can REMOVE it. It won't be easy. The analogy of being boiled away does not seem like a walk in the park to me; however, "desperate times call for desperate measures."

So if you have sin in your life, and it feels like you just can't get the last of the saltiness out, ask Him to boil it away. It won't be easy. It won't be comfortable. You'll never be the same... but isn't that what you wanted in the first place?

Weeds....

I have become such a John Deere girl! (Okay my riding lawn mower is a Yard King or something like that, but you get my drift right?) See it's become my job to mow the mammoth of a yard we now have. John works so much. Every night (except Monday) he arrives home between 8 and 9. Saturdays he works a full eight hour day. His only real day off is Sunday, and that is church day and a well-deserved Sabbath too. So it has become the Momma's job to mow the 1.89 acre lawn, and guess what? I actually LOVE it! Idk why... I think cuz it's mindless and no one can interrupt me, and because the lawn stays neatly mowed just a little bit longer than the kitchen floor stays spotless after a mopping.

Anywhoo... I was mowing on Tuesday, and I came up over a hill in the backyard and caught sight of a beautiful patch of overgrown grass polka-dotted with bright yellow dandelions. At first the beauty of the sight took my breath away, but very shortly thereafter, God hit me with a POW! of a lesson. Even as my eyes took in the beauty of the green with splashes of yellow and my heart swelled at the appreciation of the beauty of God's creation, my brain started to kick in and say, "Ummm Jami... Those are weeds." I thought about how just a few weeks ago there wasn't a dandelion in sight. Then one day, Elijah brought me a fistful of "flowers." I thought, "Hmmm dandelion time." Before I knew it... there were patches everywhere. Dandelions were covering my lawn.

God got me thinking about sin. One minute everything is hunky dory. Then sin pokes its head up and if you don't do something about it, before you know it, your whole "lawn" is covered with dandelions.

I've had several applications of this thought called to mind the past few days, but here is the one that is screaming out the most and hitting me HARD in the heart. It has to do with relationships.

I am very good at filtering the thoughts that occur in my mind before they reach my lips; however, because of this I tend to keep my mouth shut a little too much. I let little irritations with people fester until they become huge grievances crippling my entire relationship with them. I see this happening all around me in other people's lives too. People who should have spoken up when something was small and manageable allow it to grow and thrive until it takes over their entire relationship with their spouse, their family, a friend, their church. Before you know it the dandelions have taken over their yard and they have some MAJOR work to do in order to get control.

Kinda like this:

Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

James 1:15

So what's the plan of action then? I used to think my response was simply to root out that weed of sin every time it popped up in my heart and my relationships. However, this week looking around I realized that even if I had rooted up that very first dandelion, it likely would have been too late. That one weed would have likely already had little friends about to pop up all over. So here's what I advise when dealing with weeds (in your yard and your heart):

1. Root them out! Definitely yank that bad boy outta your yard or heart as soon as possible. The sooner the better! When your hubby's voice has a bit of an edge to it, when your BFF forgets your b-day, when your church fails to pray about your illness... address the hurt and pain but then LET GO and get rid of it!

2. Sprinkle some weed killer all about. It's not good enough to just root out that weed. You also have to take action against any friends that weed may have lurking about. I suggest when you root out a sin you IMMEDIATELY bathe your spirit in the word of God. If you are struggling with the sin of lust say. Turn your eyes from that person/thing you are lusting after the SECOND you realize you are lusting. Then immediately find all the scripture you can about lust and soak your spirit in those truths.

3. Protect your yard from your neighbors dandelions. Here's where my analogy goes a little off track, because you can't really do much in a yard situation. You can't pick up your yard and move it away from your neighbor's yard, BUT in life, you can physically remove yourself from the people around you who have weeds in their "yard". Surround yourself instead with people who's lawns are weed free and flourishing.

Well I hope my little rabbit trail on weeds got you thinking. Are there any weeds in your yard today? If so, I hope and pray you will root them out! spray some weed killer! and move your yard away from other weedy yards!

Have a GREAT day!

It's all about love....

Palms sweating, heart racing, knees knocking she willed herself to enter the room. Seated on the couch, the mother who rocked her to sleep, taught her right from wrong, and wiped away all her tears. Only this was NOT right and even a mother's love could not wipe away these tears. Behind the paper in his favorite chair, her daddy, strong and sure, always firm but loving, never angry or worried. Yet this time she feared he would be both. For what she had to say would change it all. "Mom, Dad," she said her voice shaking, "I'm pregnant."

I've known that girl over and over: a cheerleader, a student, a youth group kid. In fact, I'm the child of that girl... a young scared teenager carrying love in her belly. You know what that girl taught me? You know what her tears told me she needed? Love! Love! Love! It's all about love!

So often in the Christian world, we hit that girl with condemnation, judgment, disapproval. We try to teach her a lesson about her sin. Let me tell you what.... LIFE is going to teach that girl a lesson over the next 18 years. We don't need to present our silly little lessons. And there is therefore NO condemnation! And judge not lest ye be judged!

I've heard it said that Christians are the only ones who shoot their own wounded when they are down, and I have seen that to be true. Time and time and time again when a fellow Christian has fallen (or been shoved) face first in the mud I watch other Christians walk right over them shoving them deeper in the mud, delivering a well placed kick as they pass by adding to their mud covered pain, or tossing out a quick "I told you so!" to deepen their shame.

It makes me sad that so frequently the very place we should run in our darkest hour, becomes a place of ridicule, shame, and pain. The church should be where we can go to find acceptance, forgiveness and LOVE when we are swimming in the consequences of our bad choices.

Dreams crashing, heart breaking, eyes welling up with tears, she jumped from the couch and rushed to this child that had come from her womb. Grabbing the face of her precious baby between her palms, she wiped away the tears with her thumbs and said, "I love you and we WILL get through this." She pulled her pregnant baby into her arms and held her sobbing body close. Their sobs mingled, and the girl whimpered, "I thought you'd be mad. I thought you'd hate me." She pulled back a little, sniffed aside some of her sadness and told her baby girl what she had been saying since the girl was a baby at her breast, "I love you when you're naughty and I love you when you're nice."

When I was about 20 or so, my dad had this Plymouth Laser. It was a GREAT little sports car. He loved that car! One day at home on break from college, I had to drive that car to a doctor appointment. On the way home I totaled the thing. I remember the fear and terror in my heart. I did NOT want to tell my dad I had totaled his precious car. I trudged over to a nearby McDonald's to use the phone while the police cleared the wreckage. I remember standing next to the fryer, the smell of french fries in my nostrils as I told him, "Dad I had an accident, and your car is ruined." I waited for the screaming and anger. I waited for the disappointment in his voice. But you know what his response was??? "Are you okay? Are you hurt?" That was all my dad wanted to know. That was all he asked. When I said I was fine, he said, "I'm on my way. I will pick you up in a few minutes."

See that's how I envision God when I sin. I don't see Him barking out fiery destruction in His RIGHTEOUS anger. I see Him broken by my sin, but still arms open wide. That's what I aspire to be when confronted by the sin of those I love. Broken and damaged by the effects of their sin, but still arms open wide to pull them in with my love. I may not always be as gracious as this fictional mom I created here (or as my real life dad). I may not remember to love first and leave the lecture for another time, but I aspire to be JUST like that when faced with the sin of someone I love.... arms open wide... with nothing but LOVE for them.

GET OUT!

For whatever reason, this morning it occurred to me that we've been living in this house for six months now, and we have yet to discuss our "Fire Safety Plan." I'm sure it has something to do with the chaos that consumed our first few months here, but I decided not to waste any more time. I planned to do a lesson today on fire safety during school time. I put a task in my Blackberry to remind myself and moved along through my morning tasks.

During the devotions portion of the morning, I resumed my study of Zechariah.... today's reading: chapter 7. In the notes section of my Bible I found this comment on verses 11 & 12:

Zechariah explained to the people that their ancestors brought God's great wrath on themselves by hardening their hearts. Any sin seems more natural the second time - each repetition is easier. Ignoring or refusing God's warning hardens you each time you do wrong. Read God's Word and apply it to your life. Sensitivity and submission to God's Word can soften your heart and allow you to live as you should. (I underlined here just as I underlined in my Bible this a.m.)

Continuing on: read my Love Dare, did my morning workout, started a load of laundry, calmed some babies who woke too early, came downstairs to get started on my early morning work and school plans. I made up a really cool little worksheet Kastner Fire Plan. Number one on the plan: Get out FAST! And that's when it hit me. That's when the two concepts (Fire Plan & Zechariah 7:11-12) came together in my head and rocked me like the collision of two cars traveling in opposite directions: GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!

Do you know how much easier life would be, if when we are standing in the burning building of sin, we just GET OUT! ? How much destruction is wrought through standing still? How many lives are ruined when we smell the smoke a little? How much regret results when we think, "Just a little longer. I can make it just a little longer without getting burned." But why!?!?!?! Why do we stand frozen in the midst of temptation? Why must we smell the smoke of enticement? Why are we so stupid as to think that we can get away with dabbling in sin and not getting burned?

I absolutely LOVE the inspiration I get from the story of Joseph. When Potiphar's wife propositioned him, do you know what he did? He FLED! The Bible says, "But he left his cloak in her hand, and ran out of the house." (Genesis 39:12b). He didn't waste time waiting around. He didn't think about it. He didn't rationalize it. He smelled smoke and thought: GET OUT!

I'm not sure why this is on my heart this morning. I just feel the need to say to someone: GET OUT! Don't play around where you are! Don't think you are the ONE person who can resist! Don't think you won't get caught up in Satan's web when you dance too close to what he's put in the middle of your path! Turn around and RUN! Leave your cloak behind and RUN! I promise you with everything in me, you do NOT want the destruction that will result from your sin and you will NOT be the one person in this whole world to play around in sin and come out sparkling clean.

I'm a little sorry, but only kinda. My blog is so forceful and blaring today. But I can't help it. God put it heavy on my heart, and I know that someone out there needs to hear this warning: Turn back before it is too late and regret is your continual companion. Sure God will forgive your sin. I'm pretty certain the people who love you will give you another chance. However, you will regret for the rest of your days not just turning away from that stupid sin and fleeing.

Just GET OUT! You'll be really glad you listened. I promise.

Though None Go with Me

The other night John and I watched Though None Go with Me. I have been trying ever since to find the words to describe this movie: life altering, affirming, encouraging.... all these apply, but yet it was MORE for me. I recommend this movie as highly as a movie can be recommended by a human being. You NEED to see this movie!

The movie tells the story of a woman who follows Christ all her life in spite of NUMEROUS and devastating struggles. I cried harder then I have cried since my mother-in-law gave us a copy of the EVIL and despicable movie The Christmas Shoes.

John and I have been through our share of struggles, especially as of late. Because of this, I have wrestled long and hard with the concept of why Christians faces trials.... sometimes trials of GARGANTUAN proportions. Here's what I have come up with (because I don't want to be a spoiler I'm not connecting any of these reasons to Though None Go with Me... you'll have to check it out for yourselves to figure out which reason is from the movie).

1. The Eve effect - In the garden, Eve took the fruit. She made a choice to disobey God's instructions, and she reaped the logical consequences of her actions: banishment from the garden. Sometimes Christians suffer due to reaping the logical consequences of their own actions. There are times in our life when we go through a hardship that is simply just the outcome of a choice we made.... a choice to speed may get us a ticket, a choice to commit adultery may ruin our marriage, a choice to steal may end us in jail... That is just the way of natural consequences.

2. The Job effect - Job suffered TERRIBLY, but his suffering was not a result of his sin. It was a result of his righteousness. God gave Satan permission to test Job because God had FULL confidence that no matter what Job would stay faithful. Sometimes Christians suffer for that very reason, because God has confidence in their ability to stay faithful. Over the past few months, John and I have said quite frequently (and only half-jokingly), "Gosh I wish God didn't trust us so much!" This testing I guess should be considered an honor.... But it's not always easy to put on the glasses that see it that way.

3. The Kathi effect - I'm naming this one after my momma, because she recently shared it with me. Many of you who know me via Facebook have heard that my grandmother has been struggling with some debilitating health issues the past few months. Recently, my mother had a conversation with her about why she had to suffer so much. My mother told her, "Sometimes our suffering is not about us at all. Sometimes our suffering is for what other people can get out of it." There are times when we suffer so that others can see Jesus. So that people can see the strength of our faith in action. So that others can be witnessed to or encouraged or convicted.

How then to face our struggles? Should we sit around evaluating them from every angle trying hard to figure out why we are going through what we are? I really don't think that is the answer, mostly because I don't think it will get us anywhere. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (I Corinthians 13:12) Many things we experience on this earth will not make sense to us until we get to Heaven.

Therefore, I propose another way. Perhaps I'll call it the "Cover all your bases" way.

1. When you suffer, search your heart and ask God to reveal any sinful ways. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24) If any of your suffering is due to a sin you have committed, God will reveal that to you so that you can repent and turn away from it.

2. When you suffer, STAND strong!!! Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. (Ephesians 6:13) If your suffering is because God has full faith that you will stand the test, then be careful that you STAND! You do NOT want to give Satan a victory. Prove God RIGHT! Gird up your loins and just STAND!

3. When you suffer, focus on others. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. (I John 3:16) When you are struggling, look around you and see how you can "lay down your life" for another. The benefits of doing this are two-fold. It benefits those you focus on, but it also benefits you by getting your eyes off yourself and your suffering for awhile.

Trust me, I know hardships. I know struggles. I don't know how much of my "suffering pie" is allocated to reason number 1, 2 or 3 of suffering, but I do know that searching my heart, STANDING strong, and focusing on others has been a good way for me to get through the struggles I have faced. I hope it helps you too. [Oh, and GO SEE THAT MOVIE!]

Lessons I learned from Mercy

I need to begin this blog with a HUGE disclaimer. I am NOT a cat person. I really am not. I can hardly stand cats. In fact (as MANY would tell you), I might have even been heard saying, "The only good cat is a dead cat." I really do not like cats. Okay, finished with the disclaimer. Here's the story:

About two weeks ago, a stray cat followed the kids home from a bike ride. What I didn't know then was that it was just the "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" storyline being played out in front of my eyes. As John and I decorated the Christmas tree (something the kids were supposed to be helping with), they sat out on the driveway petting the cat and playing with the cat.

"She's hungry Momma." was the first step in my slippery slide down the hill. I gave in out of love for my babies, not out of any affinity for this cat. We gave her a can of tuna and a saucer of milk. She set up an abode underneath our front porch, and the kids started calling her Lucky. After about two days, it was time for Elijah's tonsil surgery so Riri came out to the country to watch the other kids. She brought along with her a water dish, food dish and a bunch of cat food. I guess that was step two...

I can't remember the exact timeline, it is all so foggy and seems like it was forever, not just a few weeks. Eventually (we theorize because we were leaving her food outside) she got into a scuffle with another animal. One morning we found her face all gashed up and her nose bleeding. We let her move into the garage to keep her safe and let her heal from whatever predator had attacked her. John and I rationalized, we can have an outside cat and not be cat people. At that point, I announced that Lucky was a lame name, and we needed a real name. We decided upon Mercy because in our dreams the dog we'll have is named Gracie, and Grace and Mercy go so well together. We moved her food and water into the garage, gave her a camp chair and a few blankets to sleep on, and opened the door during the day for her to "do her business."

Our setup became problematic when the weather started turning colder. The day that I found her water bowl frozen solid was the day we knew we were in over our heads. We moved Mercy inside and set her up in the mudroom. In breezed Riri, with a litter box, toys, canned cat food, a brush... all the goodies the spoiling Aunt has right at her fingertips (at least after a quick trip to Target). The kids were in heaven. They would sit and pet Mercy forever.

Mercy was a GREAT cat. She was not like other cats. She wasn't snobby or persnickety. She was friendly and patient. She was great with the kids. She would let Hannah manhandle her and love on her, and she never got mean. She must have been someones cat who had been abandoned or something, because she immediately knew what the liter box was and used it consistently from the beginning. She was a dream cat (if there is such a thing).

We always kinda knew that Mercy was sick. When she first showed up, I told John, this cat just came here looking for somewhere to die. So when we decided to let her come live inside, we determined she would have to take a trip to the vet in order to make sure she wasn't a danger to the children. The vet did not have good news. Likely Mercy had a terminal condition that wasn't treatable, but nothing that could be transmitted to the children. We could try to clear up her infections with antibiotics and keep her for awhile. So we tried. That was Monday.

So there I was (NOT the cat person) squirting antibiotics down this cat's throat twice a day and wiping away her bloody buggers. I mean SERIOUSLY?!?!?! John was humoring me, but I know he was thinking, "Who is this crazy cat lady who has taken over my wife's body?" The medicine seemed to be working. We could hear Mercy sneezing a lot, and she seemed to be clearing some of the mucus from her lungs and nose.

Then yesterday, she climbed in her litter box and wouldn't get out. She sat in there much of the day. It was awful. I explained to the children that she was likely going to die soon, and she knew it. She would let us pet her, but if we tried to pick her up she'd bare her teeth and make a little pitiful sound like, "Please don't. It hurts too much." I was a wreck. The triple assault of watching this creature suffer, realizing I had fallen for this dumb cat and was now going to lose her, and knowing that this would break my babies' hearts was too much for me. I cried all day.

I struggled to find something to do for her. We could not afford to put her down (the vet said it would be nearly $100). No Humane Society would help me because we live in a "non-contracted" area. Part of how we ended up in this jam was because we had called the contracted "dog catcher" guy for Hubbard earlier in this saga, and he never called us back. We prayed for Mercy and that God would help us find a way to help her, and I tried one more time to reach the Hubbard animal guy. Miraculously, I reached his wife. I think my tears helped plead my case for once. She assured me he would call as soon as he returned from work. Mercy left with the animal man at 4:10 p.m. last night. We were devastated but not left without many lessons learned.

1. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death (James 1:15) I am not saying Mercy was sin; however, I am saying, if you don't want to have a cat.... if you don't want to be a "cat person".... do NOT (I repeat) do NOT feed a stray cat. Don't even pet it. Don't even look at it. The parallels here are too clear not to be applied! If you don't want to have sex before your married, don't take your clothes off. If you don't want to become addicted to drugs, don't smoke even your first joint. If you don't want to cheat on your husband, don't spend any time with a man you are not married to. If you want to avoid sin, do NOT entertain it! Don't give it even one second of your time. Because if you let it get just one tiny little paw into your front yard, before you know it that thing will be sleeping on your couch, and you'll be wiping the bloody mucus from it's nose. Trust me! I know some of you are saying, "Not me! I hate cats!" or "Not me! I love my spouse!" or "Not me! I don't drink, smoke or chew or go with boys who do!" But let me tell you: If it can happen to the greatest cat hater of all, it can happen to you.

2. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9) God sure works in mysterious ways I tell you. Me falling for this cat reminded me of this unexpected friendship that came my way. I had determined in my heart to hate this girl. She had taken my place. She was the new (and MUCH better) cheer coach at HCS, and I was still bitter about having my job, my calling, my ministry ripped from my grip. But in breezed Shannon Michelle and it was all over. She and I "clicked" like peanut butter and jelly. Still now... ten years later she is one of my BFFs. God works in mysterious ways. I never thought I'd love a cat. But I did, and because I kept my heart open to the unexpected I gleaned a lot of good things.

3. Why you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. (James 4:14) Mercy really seemed to be on the upswing this week. Then all of a sudden she veered suddenly and started declining rapidly. Life is like that too you know. All is going well and then without much warning, it is lying shattered at your feet. We had such a short time with Mercy before she was gone, but we enjoyed every moment with her and we loved her and gave her a little taste of Heaven before she succumbed to her illness. So the lesson I take from that??? Suck up every second like it is your last. Savor every moment you have with the ones you love because before you know it your time may be up. I have had two relationships like this. Two very intense friendships that came seemingly out of nowhere and overtook my life. Two "BFFs" who became indispensable within a matter of minutes and then after not very long left my life with a heart-shattering "BAM!" I have really learned to just be grateful for every second I have... with Mercy, with my friends, and with my family. Because I know that sickness, death, or betrayal can rip those things from your grip in an instant, and I never want to be left regretting the fact that I didn't cherish what I had when it was there.

4. The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:40) Being kind can never be wrong. It just can't. It might hurt in the end. You might end up with your heart torn to shreds and bleeding profusely, but it can NEVER be wrong to be kind. Recently, I made a kind gesture that was rebuked and thrown right back in my face. At first, I was so angry. The sting of the rejection really hurt. But then I realized, I wouldn't change one thing I had done because I had been kind and that was a good thing. Right now as I sit here a little bruised and battered from having known and loved Mercy, I realize that I wouldn't change one thing. It hurt like heck to let her go, and it hurts like heck still as just a few moments ago I had to console Elijah through a storm of tears after he asked, "Mom, why did Mercy have to go to sleep?" But I am glad we were kind to this tiny little creature. I am glad we gave her love and warmth and food for her last days on this earth.

Okay so I'm finally to the end of this long-winded blog. Please do not mistake me, I am still NOT a cat person. However, I think I may amend my famous saying, "The only good cat is Mercy."

Sinners

You know which characters I love the most in the Bible? The sinners. Yes I know we are all sinners, but I love the BIG sinners. Those who sinned big, yet God still used them BIG. You know why I love them? Because I can relate to them. I am such a wretched, sinful creature. I so strongly relate to this verse from Romans:

For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing.
Romans 7:19

I love the Bible characters who sin BIG and are still used of God because I can relate to them and they give me hope. My all-time favorite Bible character is David. David was called by God "a man after my own heart" (Acts 13:22). Yet David was SINFUL! He was the personification of sinful. His picture is next to the word in the dictionary! Not only did he look lustfully on Bathsheba (another man's wife), but he committed adultery with her, and THEN he took it to another level and MURDERED her husband so he could have her. Now THAT is sinful! Yet later on in the New Testament when David is mentioned what do we hear about? Does God count his many sins? Does he site the evil things he did? NO! He says, "I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do." WOW!

Today I was reading in Luke and another similar situation struck me. In Luke 22 Jesus is predicting Peter's denial of Him. He said,

Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.
Luke 22:31-32

Jesus did not pray that Peter would not deny him or that Peter would not sin. Jesus prayed "that your faith may not fail." He prayed that through the sin and failure Peter's faith would not fail. God knows us. He made us! He realizes that we are weak and frail humans capable of nothing but filthy rags of righteousness without Him. Jesus prayed that after the sin Peter would still keep the faith.

"And when you have turned back..." Jesus then assumes that Peter will (after failing Him) turn back to his faith. And here, HERE is my favorite part!!!! He commands Peter, "strengthen your brothers." This ministers to me on so many different levels!

I am a perfectionist at heart. Being the firstborn, it is hard for me to slay my perfectionist tendencies. Therefore, when I sin, when I mar up something (that in my mind should be perfect), my first gut reaction is to toss out the whole thing. If it can't be perfect, than it is worthless is my incorrect assumption. However, here Jesus is commanding Peter after he turns back to go on and minister to the others. Obviously in Jesus' eyes Peter's sin wouldn't make him worthless. In Jesus' eyes Peter's sin would not exempt him from all future ministry.

I can actually take this further to a whole different level. When I read that part of this verse this morning, I felt the Holy Spirit whispering to me: Not only did Peter's sin not remove him from service for Christ, but it actually prepared him for future service.... ALL things... ALL THINGS can be used for good! One of my FAVORITE sayings is, "What Satan meant for our destruction, God will use for our VICTORY." I believe God specializes in taking the icky, the sinful, the mistakes and using them for His glory. Therefore, Peter's sin actually better prepared him for ministry. His sin actually made him MORE qualified to minister, because it made him better able to relate to the sinners around him.

So there it is. My dissertation on why sinners are my FAVORITE people. Because I can relate to them.... Because they give me hope.... Because I am the chief of them....

Have a great day!

Cast down your idols....

This song…I just can’t get away from it. It haunts my thoughts and pierces my conscience. Here’s the line that was after me today: Oh Lord we cast down our idols… It got me thinking about idols. I think sometimes we think of idols as just things we are worshipping: career, romance, money, etc… But I think idols are more than that. Idols are anything we can’t cast down in the name of Jesus. Things like: worry, fear, anger, gluttony. Lately my biggest idol is righteous indignation. I have at least three situations in my life right now where I have been wronged. I have been sinned against… quite obviously sinned against. In these situations, anger is a logical response. Feeling pain over being hurt is logical as well. But hanging on to my indignation, struggling to let go of the hurt and pain because I feel righteously angry that these things happened, well that is not right. Then I’ve made that thing an idol. I’ve elevated it to a status where it is exempt from being cast down before God, and that my friend should signal some serious warning bells!

Guess what? Today on my way home from the dentist, it did! All of a sudden my heart felt as if it had been punched. I started crying: Oh Lord we cast down our idols…. Over and over again…. Oh Lord we cast down our idols…. Oh Lord we cast down our idols…. I replayed that part of the track so many times my children were begging for mercy. The hard part is that knowing we have an idol and wanting to cast it down before God is only the beginning. Satan doesn’t want us to cast down our idols. Satan doesn’t want us to bow our hearts… bend our knees… Satan does NOT want us to be humble. He wants us to pridefully cling to those things we are idolizing. So he is going to throw a lot of fiery darts our way. He will remind us of that idol. He will taunt us with that idol. He will torment us with that idol. It will be gut wrenching and grueling to get that thing out of us.

Think of a wisdom tooth whose roots are crooked and twisted and even wrapped TIGHTLY around each other and fused with the bone. A dentist will need all his strength and all his dental knowledge to get that thing extracted. That’s what we have to do with our idols. We have to muster all our strength to root out that worry. We have to gather all our spiritual knowledge to extricate that fear. We have to work hard to extinguish that righteous indignation. I believe that God will help us in this endeavor; however, I also believe when we give power to something evil, when we allow an idol to have center stage in our hearts, then we are going to have to combine some good old fashioned elbow grease with God’s grace in order to cast that bad boy DOWN!

So whatever your idol is today, why don't you try to cast it down? I know I'm going to. It won’t be easy. We'll need to be strong. We will need God’s grace and all our strength and every bit of spiritual wisdom we have ever gained, but close your eyes with me and sing these words with ALL your heart:

We bow our hearts

We bend our knees

Oh Spirit come make us humble

We turn our eyes

From evil things

Oh Lord we cast down our idols

On potty training regression and sin

“Hannah pooped on the floor!” I am getting so tired of hearing those words. Our little princess has been sliding down the slippery slope of potty training regression for several months now. She was completely potty-trained at the beginning of last fall, but since about January, not so much. Her most recent setback is in the area of “number two.” For our little diva, it is not enough that she fails to make it to the potty when she has to go “number two.” Nope! She is so independent that she has to try to rid herself of the mess because she doesn’t like it in her underpants. Last night my bathroom looked like someone tossed a poopy diaper grenade in there. At least twice, I heard shouts of, “I stepped in Hannah’s poop!” It seemed we kept finding little “care packages” tucked away in different places around the bathroom and beyond. The smell was overwhelming, and the clean up was torturous to say the least.

But come on….you know me right? You can feel me heading toward the lesson. Are you thinking, “DISGUSTING! How in the world is she going to turn that YUCK into a lesson from God?” Ladies and gentlemen, I do NOT turn them into lessons from God. He does, and here’s what He revealed to me.

How often are we like Hannah? We sin, and try to clean up the mess by ourselves. But what results is a nightmare of poopy proportions. As we try to clean up the sin by ourselves, and sometimes long after, we keep finding remnants of our sin tucked away in unexpected places. Sorrow or pain the sin brought or a tender spot left by the hurt of the sin or that sense of shame when the sin flits through our mind. And the stench! Ahh the stench of our sin! It is overwhelming and makes our attempts at clean up so torturous.

But imagine this. Imagine if Hannah had not tried to clean up that accident by herself. Imagine if she had trotted down the stairs, uncomfortable from the mess in her pants, but contrite and looking to her mother for help. I would have carefully removed the offending underpants, cleaned up the mess on her, and taken care of the soiled clothing. The floor would not have had to be cleaned, seventeen towels and three shirts would not have been stained, and the entire upstairs would not have smelled like it desperately needed to be fumigated.

Let my daughter’s poopy problem bring you to your senses today. It is humbling and uncomfortable to turn to God with our failures, but He is much better equipped to deal with the mess we made then we are. He will take our sin (every single time we commit it), clean us up, and care for the mess we made. We just have to humble ourselves and go to Him.