This is the day that the Lord has made.....

Yesterday morning I arose at the appointed time.... cheerfully woke my husband and headed to the kitchen. I prepared a warm, healthy breakfast for us, and then we sat across from each other at the kitchen table, enjoying our breakfast and coffee while reading our Bibles. We stopped a few times to share something that occurred to us while we read. It was quiet... It was peaceful... It was heavenly.

This morning I awoke to a smell that NO ONE wants to be greeted with. As I neared the bathroom the odor worsened and a quick glance into the bathroom confirmed my fears: Auntie Marge had an accident. I woke John quickly and then returned to the bathroom to clean the toilet, floor, and an old lady. All this taking place before I even got a cup of coffee!  John and I snatched a quick prayer before he headed out the door to work and then I collapsed at the table all alone with my coffee and Bible, and it occurred to me:

"Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" 
Job 2:10

God is mighty and on the throne whether my day starts with a beautiful coffee date or a WRETCHED mess to clean up. His goodness doesn't change with the events of my day! His goodness doesn't change with the events of this world! He is GOOD when bad things happen. He is GOOD when good things happen. He is GOOD.

Whatever your facing today:  it may be sunny skies and lollipops or it may be poop messes and unpaid bills.. even hospital nightmares... but your CIRCUMSTANCES do NOT affect God's goodness. He is good and just and right and HOLY wherever you are.

What a flippin, flappin DAY!!!!

For two days now, I have had "one of those days"... nothing major... no one needed brain surgery; no eye muscle reattachment; car didn't blow up; axe murderer didn't find me unaware... just tons and tons and TONS of little stuff:

*messy accidents of the elderly
*not one but THREE attempts before a viable urine sample could be obtained (from same senior citizen), confirming my suspicions that a UTI was causing some of our problems (I'm not a doctor. I just play one on TV.)
*no work.. I mean NO work to be had... until the morning of the day that I had to take my aunt to the doctor... SERIOUSLY???
*5 year old who learned to light a match (THANK YOU JESUS she only burned her finger and not the whole house down)
*4 trips to Walmart in 4 days.. If I'm lying, I'm dying!  FOUR TRIPS!!!!!
   Monday - because Hannah was promised a bike if she bravely endured surgery, all post-op appointments AND the evil eye drops;
   Tuesday - because in the middle of a cake pop project I needed to get candy melts;
   Wednesday - because our regularly scheduled programming calls for an every Wednesday trip and I had been putting of the normal stuff till the regular trip
   Thursday - needed burn cream and gauze

Along the way, it was like the devil was throwing snowballs at my frostbitten spots!  ERGH!

***navigating Walmart with four kids and a 90-year old lady on the DAY BEFORE school starts is NOT fun!
***while normally very helpful, the people at Aurora Hartford were NOT my favorite people today
***old people canNOT seem to "go" when needed but ALWAYS seem to need to "go" when NOT needed
***golly 4 kiddos are irritating at Walmart (wait did I already say that one?)
***I have A LOT on my plate at any one given moment (that's not really a brand-new revelation... I'm just saying)

So anyways, I was LITERALLY and TRULY in tears by about 4 p.m. It was FREAKING hot out there today! the kids had pushed me to my limit! previously mentioned Aurora peops were trying to make my life difficult I think. previously mentioned old person wasn't helping either.....

I realized a few things today:

Sometimes it IS the little things... a TON of little things is still a TON. It was that last one little STRAW that broke the camel's back and sometimes the load of all those straws can be as heavy as one BIG thing!

No matter what... When my day is NOT good, my God still is. The day can fall apart. One TERRIBLE revelation or TONS of tiny little irritations, but REGARDLESS, my God is still on the throne!

Also, while the muscle spasms in my back and shoulders don't really prove this point: I am starting to see that there is only so much I can do in any one given day. When things go perfectly, I may be able to write my 5 articles, do any reference checking that is needed, homeschool 4 kids, care for one old lady, and not lose my mind... But when someone gets burned, gets a UTI, has three bathroom accidents... on those days... I'm not going to get much "work" done. I have to learn to just accept that and walk away. I have to see that the productivity of my day isn't only measured in articles written, blogs posted and reference checks completed... owies soothed, messes made right, battles mediated, and cake pops placed in the hand of a smiling child ALL COUNT TOWARD MY PRODUCTIVITY!!!!

Finally a couple of quick less lofty lessons:
*Auntie Marge does NOT go to Walmart... EVER... AGAIN!
*Do NOT run out of burn cream, bandaids, or benadryl. Not in THIS house.
*Hannah should be glued to my side... Maybe another trip to Walmart to buy a bunch of those sticky mouse traps???
*Walmart may not be much fun, but I would NOT make it without one.
*Cake pops are YUMMY!
*Kids cooking for you is heavenly.

Sooooooo here's to hoping for a better day tomorrow. I realized tonight, even if tomorrow bites too, it is still FRIDAY!!!!! Homeschooler bonfire, LifeChurch, Christian Life Fellowship and a WHOLE lotta laying around on Labor Day are ALL on the docket for my weekend and I can't WAIT!

Have a GREAT Friday everyone!

Lessons from last week...

Last week was a Jami FOR SURE!  Now that the insanity has settled down to a gentle simmer, I stand in awe-struck wonder at the way God's fingerprints were ALL OVER the insanity of last week. It was a GREAT reminder to me that:


And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28. 

Or the Jami paraphrase:  What Satan means to be our defeat, God LOVES to turn into our victory!

Ways that God left His fingerprints all over my crazy week last week:

*Auntie Marge fell on Wednesday morning at about 10:15 a.m. I was supposed to be at Physical Therapy for my Achilles tendon at that time; however, because my mother was in the hospital, Gramma spent the night at my house and I cancelled my appointment.  If I had gone to physical therapy, who knows how long Auntie Marge might have laid on the floor in agonizing pain.

*We have been slowly and casually leaving the children (boys only NOT Hannah... she'd burn the place down in < 2.2 seconds) home alone while I run to Mayville for a QUICK trip to Piggly Wiggly.  They have done VERY well with that responsibility.  So they were PREPARED to stay at home for a little bit with Gramma Hilly while Hannah and I ran Auntie Marge to the hospital.

*When Auntie Marge moved here, she needed a doctor. Mom sent her to Gramma's doctor on the south side. But that was not an optimal situation.  She was living an hour away from her doctor AND as it turns out that doctor was not the best one for her... he probably should have tweaked her medications a little because the dosage on one of the was WAY too high which led to a VERY low heart rate which is VERY likely the reason she fell... regardless that's all kinda babble... here's God's fingerprint:  she landed in the care of THE MOST amazing doctor in the WORLD!!!! (If you live near Hartford and are looking to be seen by the MOST amazing doctor in the WORLD, look up Dr. Tye at the Aurora Clinic... AH-MAZE-ZUH-ZING!)  Dr. Tye is tweaking her meds, taking good care of her, and providing AWESOME bedside care... She REALLY, REALLY likes this doctor and he is SO kind to her too!

*After Auntie Marge had surgery, she was going to need to be transferred to a Rehab Center for Physical Therapy and Rehab. My family wanted to have her rehab at the nursing home near them (in Greenfield), which made sense in the natural:

---5 families sharing the load of visiting an elderly relative is easier than 1 family doing it
---my mom is her power of attorney, I am just her daily care giver... it made sense to put her nearer to her POA
---we've had a trial run of that center because Gramma Hilly was there before
---I have a friend who works there

But my spirit was VERY unsettled about Auntie Marge being that far away from us.  I was not trying to be selfish, but I really felt that for HER healing and motivation to get out of there it would help for her to be around the family she lived with ever day.  Not wanting to cause a feud, I just presented my feelings to my mom and then prayed.  I prayed, "God you do what YOU want, and make it ABSOLUTELY clear to ALL of us that YOUR will is being done."  Later that day, mom called to say that there was not a bed open in Greenfield.  Auntie Marge was going to the center in Mayville!

So now here's where I attempt to wax poetic... or at least make this make a little sense.....  Last week was HORRIBLE!  Seriously it was... there were SEVERAL times where I was just bawling, unable to handle even one more tiny hiccup in the plan.  But through it all, He was right there... He was working things out... He was weaving His loving plan through all the fear, pain, tears, and stress...

Guess what?!?!?!  He's there for you TOO!  I know you feel tired!  I know your body aches!  I know you are sick and tired of struggling through this SAME EXACT TRIAL!  But He is THERE!  He is leaving His fingerprints ALL OVER your situation!  You just have to look for them.  Sit back and look for them.

You know I watch WAY too many crime dramas on TV.  I fancy myself an amateur sleuth of course.  Well I was just thinking about how Gill Grisham's peops sprinkle that powder on the surface they are fingerprinting, brush away the excess and then the fingerprints STAND OUT.  Do that today... Sprinkle the powder of God's word on your situation... use a little meditation and contemplation to dust away the excess... and then look and SEE God's fingerprints standing out!  I promise you if you look hard enough, they are THERE!

God bless everyone and have a GREAT day!

Part 2...

I am literally starting to wonder if my SOLE purpose for existing is so people can look at me and think, "PHEW! Am I glad I don't have HER life!"

So I was cruising along, basking in the warmth of the glow from the good report my mom got after her heart cath this morning. Since Gma was staying with me while dad stayed at the hospital with mom, I had called in and told my work I wouldn't be very available. I was concentrating on ONLY having to homeschool (and care for two old ladies). We were SO far ahead of schedule!  The kids were doing GREAT!  Gma was folding laundry with wild abandon.  I didn't even notice Auntie Marge slip away from the kitchen table. All of a sudden I heard a THUD!  I jumped up to investigate and as I walked down the hallway I could see Auntie Marge's head sticking out of her doorway.  She was lying on the ground.  I took ONE look at her and I KNEW something was wrong with her right leg. It was just at an odd angle AND it was completely lame. She couldn't move her foot AT ALL.

This day has SO many more twists and turns that I will skip all the details of how I got her into the chair, arranged an adult to supervise the boys staying home with Gma, notified my parents and John, cancelled the rest of our school day, etc... I had to CARRY her to the car because she could not use that leg AT ALL.  She is VERY light; however, she was dead weight, and she kept slipping out of my arms.  At one point, I almost passed out.

I kept thinking this CANNOT be happening!  This canNOT be happening!  They discharged my mom from Waukesha Memorial at about noon, and she and dad headed straight for Hartford Hospital to check on Auntie Marge. Really???  Two ER visits in two days???  What kinda crazy family does that???  We do apparently.

Soooooooo Auntie Marge is having surgery to repair her broken hip/femur tomorrow at 1 p.m. (PLEASE pray for her.  She is VERY scared as she has never had a surgery before.... 89 years she made it without ever having surgery!) But now we get to the part where I was finally reduced to tears.

John met us in Hartford after work, and we ate at Culver's.  Then he took two kiddos home, and I took two to do the Walmart shopping. We finished our shopping without a hitch (I had my mode of payment with me this time) and got in the car.  We turned right onto Hwy 60 from the Walmart parking lot.  We traveled.. idk... about 100 feet??? and reached the place where the streetlights stop, and I was INSTANTLY and COMPLETELY disoriented.  I couldn't see the road AT ALL.  I had NO headlights!  Panic mode kicked in, and I held back my tears.  I called John, and we problem solved.  We decided (with hazards on) I would return to Walmart (they have an automotive shop) and see if they could help me.  I will NOT lie. Last summer's almost unsolvable taillight issue was haunting my soul, and at that point the tears were JUST under the surface.

I got to Walmart and started incoherently babbling to the automotive guy. He walked into the shop and voila! I had lights.  I was like "WHAT???"  He reported, "You have brights (I didn't think of that)... which means it isn't electrical. I'm guessing your low beam bulbs just burned out."  Apparently I am just SO lucky that BOTH bulbs burnt out at the SAME time.  WHATEVER!  that was it... I holed up in the waiting room and let the tears start....  Whose life is LIKE this????  I tell you I couldn't MAKE this stuff up!  Fact TRULY is stranger than fiction!

Have you seen Evan Almighty???  God (Morgan Freeman) tells Evan that everything He does, He does because He loves Evan.  At one point, Evan's family has walked out on him.  The whole city thinks he's nuts (he is building a boat in his subdivision just like Noah built the ark)... Evan says, "I know, I know, everything You do You do because You love me."  His lawn sprinkler comes on timer and squirts him in the face, and he SCREAMS, "Could you love me a little less!?!?!?"  Let's just say right now I can relate to that scene.

But I gotta bring it around to something inspirational... and really and truly the tears were just tears of exhaustion... I'm not despondent over here.   I'm just DEPLETED.  Here's the verse I'm clinging to:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Tune in tomorrow for another episode of Calamity Jami  Will she plummet off a cliff? Be struck by a rogue wind turbine? Or just lose her pants in the middle of the hospital waiting room? Only God knows and only time will tell.

Peace out my faithful readers.  And don't forget to say, "PHEW! Am I glad I don't have HER life!"

Reflecting on twelve years of marriage....

As of yesterday, John and I have been married for twelve years. We had a GLORIOUS weekend away from EVERYTHING. We shipped the kids off (THANK YOU Shawn & Jodi) and farmed Auntie Marge out (THANKS Mom & Dad), and we just hung out in solitude at our place for the whole weekend. It was marvelous! The highlight of our weekend was dream shopping at Home Depot… (hee hee hee)

But on this first day of the thirteenth year of our marriage, I thought I would do a little more reflection. Here are a few things that this weekend (and thirteen years) have taught me...

1. John Joseph Kastner is an amazing, enigmatic, hard working, funny, adorable, incredible, dedicated man. I just REALLY love this man. I love being with him. I love talking to him. I love everything about him. You know I’m sure after twelve years one or two of his flaws have presented themselves, but I have learned two things about loving my spouse: (1) Everyone in this world has positive and negative characteristics…. EVERYONE (2) It is MY CHOICE to highlight his attributes or emphasize his weaknesses… MY satisfaction level depends upon which choice I make. I work my hardest every day to CHOOSE to highlight John's positives while helping him work through his negatives....

2. Marriage is HARD! Anyone who tells you otherwise is either a newlywed or is lying. Taking two individuals and melding them into one cohesive unit takes WORK! It does not come naturally. Crucifying your own desires on a daily basis is not inherent, it is a learned trait. Even after twelve years, marriage takes work. I don't believe that will ever change. I believe marriage is a lifelong assignment. If you think you have completed that assignment and you and your spouse are still alive, well then you have some more thinking to do.

3. Marriage is worth fighting for. As difficult as it can be to meld two people into one unit, the benefits reaped from doing so FAR surpass the effort required. Having someone with whom to weather all the storms of life is an amazing blessing. Having someone who just "gets" you with hardly any explanation on your part is invaluable. Having someone who is always, always, always there for you is a gift that is worth fighting your butt off for. So don't be discouraged by point number 2, instead be ENCOURAGED, marriage may be a difficult, but it is definitely worthwhile.

4. A marriage can withstand ANYTHING if the people in it are stubbornly headstrong to this one purpose: marriage is FOREVER! One of the best things my parents EVER did for me was to show me that no matter what their relationship weathered, they were going to stick together. They taught me marriage was going to be hard, but exiting marriage was not an option. Trust me, John and I are both stubborn and headstrong so I think we've got this one in the bag.

5. Everyone in this world can benefit from a little downtime. Sometimes John and I do not realize the superhuman load we are attempting to carry: He works a full time job and a part-time job. I work a part-time job, homeschool four children, and care for my elderly aunt. Neither of us gets much sleep. Neither of us has much of a social life. We rarely go out on dates. We have never once been on a family vacation. We live life at a frenzied pace. We have always just adapted to this craziness out of necessity, but this weekend I realized how very, very, very nice downtime (and sleep) can be.

Well I guess that's about all I have time for (it's not all I learned, but Blogger stymied my efforts all day by way of a broken link that kept prohibiting me from posting this). I guess my closing is more of a dedication than a wrap up:

Happy anniversary John Kastner... I love you with all of me. Thank you for loving me when I'm unlovable. Thank you for believing in me no matter what. Thank you for being my biggest fan and my best critic. I can't wait to see what the next decade or two brings.

The kind of mother I have....

My mother has a second mother, Auntie Marge. Auntie Marge and her husband Uncle Joe helped my grandmother (a single mother in the 1950s) raise her twin daughters. As a result my mother has always treated Auntie Marge as her mother too, and for the first time in many decades, my mother won't have to settle for sending Auntie Marge flowers or a fruit basket. This year she gets to spend Mother's Day celebrating with Auntie Marge. But first my mother and I had to negotiate getting Auntie Marge into town for the celebration....

"But I don't want you to have to pack up and lug all the kids on a special trip into the city just to bring me Auntie Marge."

"It's okay mom. I don't mind. Besides.... I would like a chance to see my mom for Mother's Day."

"It's just so far to come for no reason. Don't you have any errands in the city."

"No mom but I wanted to come into town to see you too."

"Hmmmm.... maybe Dad could meet John halfway before he goes to work at McDonald's."

"I want to come into town or meet you halfway, so I can see you for Mother's Day."

"Okay, but I still feel bad that you have to lug the kids out."

I have to admit the conversation left me feeling a little frustrated because I still didn’t feel she had heard me. However, the next morning’s call rectified that….

“I feel so silly. I FINALLY get what you were saying. YOU want to spend some time with YOUR mother for Mother’s Day.”

(with a smile on my face)…. “Yes Mother, I would like to spend some time with MY mother for Mother’s Day.”

“Fine then let’s meet halfway for lunch.”

See that is the kind of mother I have….. I have a mother who is so wrapped up in honoring other people, that she doesn’t realize someone is trying to honor her. I don’t have a mother who is obsessing over what her children are going to do for her for Mother’s Day. I have a mother who is obsessing over what she is going to do for her mothers for Mother’s Day. And that is just the way I want it.

What a wonderful heritage to have handed down to me! And what a daunting task to pass it down to my children. Put others first. Don’t concentrate on what you’re getting; concentrate on what you’re giving.

I hope you are all as lucky as I am, but even if you didn’t have a sacrificing, amazing mother like I did, you can still be a person who puts others first. I’ll let you in on a little secret…. The people who are consumed with blessing others are much happier than those who are consumed with what others are doing for them.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom, and thank you for modeling a servant’s heart for me!

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Philippians 2:3

The sound of silence...

Silence is not really something I know much about. I've always been a gregarious person with a HUGE mouth. Every parent/teacher conference my parents ever had included the words Jami, talks, and a lot. Most of the time I'm not sure I could even pick silence out of a line up. My life is SOOOOOOOOOO loud. We always joke we are "The Loud Family," but it really isn't a joke. My house has a constant din that seems to be the soundtrack of my life. Last summer when we moved in to this quiet, country neighborhood in the boonies, we kept saying, "There goes the neighborhood," because we are ANYTHING but quiet. However, this past month I have really been called to a time of silence.

I'm not entirely sure why, but God called me to silence my fingers this past month. At first it started out as just busyness. To my normal load of mother of four with a husband still recovering from brain surgery who telecommutes and homeschools, I added caring for an elderly Aunt in my house full time and traveling to the city to care for my elderly Grandmother twice a week. Plus I was planning a HUGE birthday gala event for Hannah. Finally, John and I were walking through a bit of a valley (not really a valley... more like a culvert) of fear related to a significant increase in his pain level accompanied by a return of some of his Chiari symptoms. (Visit to the Neurosurgeon earlier this week put all our fears to rest, and switching up of his medications has eased the symptoms and pain.) This all made for a busy time which did not allow for much blogging. I felt a little guilty about leaving you all hanging and not blogging; however, after a little time I realized that I had NOTHING on my heart to blog about. It wasn't that God wasn't moving all around me, but I could tell that there was nothing He was pressing upon my heart to speak about. Then earlier this week the dandelions burst open the dam in my soul, and I could feel my writing pressing upon my heart again. I'm happy to be back, but I'm also contemplating what all that silence was about.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the silence was to shore me up. I am about to enter several months of "one year ago todays." Anniversaries of the most difficult things I have ever in my life dealt with will be hitting me over and over again this summer, and I suspect that (knowing me more intimately than any one else does) my Creator knew I needed a little silence to rest. Only time will tell if that is the truth or not, but I have a sneaking suspicion I will look back on April 2010 as a fortifying time.

However, I digress.... the point is what lesson should the sound of silence bring? To someone like me who can hardly find silence in the din of children, work, and other related chaos, it sometimes becomes a dirty word. Silence! Ha! It tastes a bit bitter like the word Atlantis to the treasure hunter. I know it exists, but my inability to find it makes that word feel icky on my tongue, in my mind. But silence can be the Holy Grail to your soul. In this case, I feel the blog silence was to strengthen me. See as much as I love to write, and as much as I love all of you, sometimes my blogs bring me nothing but trouble. It often feels like no matter how much I share someone always want to know more. Furthermore, sometimes my intent... the moral of my story... is so completely misunderstood, I am left feeling like a failure for not getting my point across more appropriately. Yet while I suspect the main purpose of all this silence was the shoring up thing, there was a hidden agenda too. I discovered that while I hear lessons from God all around me, sometimes the chaotic din is blocking out lessons too. The little lessons, the quiet things are easier to find in the silence.

Well consider yourselves forewarned.... the silence is over! I feel blogs backing up in my heart like cars in a traffic jam on a Friday afternoon. Yet I'm hoping to hold on to the fortitude God brought through this season of silence and striving to remember to seek out the silence with my whole heart so that I can hear the itty bitty lessons He has for me too.

Hope you have a GREAT day and that you can find a little silence today too.

I'm not dead!!!!

That title is both an update and part of the lesson of this blog. I am not dead. I know I've had a long blog silence. All I can say is when you take a family of seven on vaca (even for two days) it takes a lot out of you!

Last week was Haugh Holiday. It is the day my mother and father met. When we were children, we celebrated that day by getting measured up against the closet door to see how much we had grown the past year and with a present of course (Kathi Haugh is ALL about presents ya know). Last year, we turned Haugh Holiday into a family reunion of sorts. All my parents children and grandchildren step away from the hustle and bustle of life for a little fun and a TON of bonding. This year took us to the Chula Vista resort in Wisconsin Dells and brought a lesson learned as well.

After packing up all six of us to go to the Dells and helping Auntie Marge get ready to spend a few days in Franklin, we were off to Oma and Poppa's. We measured all the grandbabies against the door and then headed out to the Machine Shed for breakfast. It was all fun and games until I blew out the pocket of my jeans. Seriously, I sat down and a tiny two inch worn spot (which was cute and trendy) turned into a foot long rip which revealed my unmentionables! A well placed jacket around the waist saved my dignity, the ripped jeans were chalked up to a GREAT story to add to the folk lore of Haugh Holiday, and on we went.

Well I don't know if it was bad luck or poor planning... (No one really thought to check all of the Spring Breaks around that state of Wisconsin.) Holy mother of pearl! That place was crowded! I have been to MANY waterparks in my lifetime, and I have NEVER seen one that was as crowded as the Chula Vista was last weekend! But the big punch it packed wasn't felt by the Kastners until much later. As we were driving home from the Dells, the itching began. Noah's legs, Jeremiah's stomach, Hannah's cutie bootie, and Elijah's whole body were assaulted with itching, the likes of which man has never seen before. We were all tired and itchy and ready to be home. As we got on I90, a teaching moment hit me from outta nowhere. I told the kids, "We are all tired, and we are all itchy from the chlorine. However, in every thing in life there is good and there is bad. We can choose to look at the good things or the bad things. That's our choice. So let's play a game!" We spent the next few miles going around the minivan taking turns listing three good things about Haugh Holiday. Time with Daddy. Time with my children. Jeremiah went on the scary ride with me. I got to spend time with my cousins. I saw The Squeakwel. We got to eat some GOOD food. I got to sleep in Riri's room. Before too long, the irritation of our itching had faded into the background and eyelids were beginning to droop. A much needed naptime commenced, and as I drove us home, I uttered a quick prayed that my children would learn the MARVELOUS lesson placed before them well. There is GOOD and BAD in EVERY situation. Focus on the good, and the bad starts to fade away.

Back to I'm not dead..... I returned from Haugh Holiday to find an avalanche of work awaiting me. It has been non-stop, long hours, many reports completed all week. We're back in one of those chaotic, "Mommy has to work a ton" times where granola bars and chips become the staple of our diet and to do items are piling up higher than dirty towels at the Chula Vista. But guess what???? The lesson of Haugh Holiday was not lost on ME! I am focusing on the positive: lots of hours = big paycheck! I have a job.....many people don't right now. The weather is BEAUTIFUL and is keeping my children busy while I work, work, work. And just like the title says, "I'm not dead!!!!!"

So come on, join the Kastner Kids. Play the game! What three things are you grateful for today? List them here! I'd love to hear them. And if you play my game, I PROMISE your situation will look a little better than it did 5 minutes ago.

God bless! And have a GREAT day!

Pray without ceasing....

My life has been so stressful lately! Many have expressed concern over the blogs I've been posting. I guess that's the downside to bare naked honesty. Too much is never enough. I try sometimes to keep a few of MY details out, in order to make my writing applicable to more people, but then I seem to muddy the water and arouse suspicion. Idk...

Just this week I told John, my gut was getting sketchy and was telling me to run away from my life as a lesson for awhile, like I did this past summer when the heat was turned up too high. He encouraged me to take a different route this time. Wisely advising, that possibly by standing through the heat God would reveal even more to me.

So here I stand. My yuck displayed (or at least mostly displayed) for all to see. I've really been going through it lately. I can't EXACTLY finger when this most recent plunge into the depths began, but it has been a rough start to 2010, a year I had hoped would be MARKEDLY better than its predecessor 2009, a year which will go down in infamy as the year that nearly destroyed Jami Lynn Kastner.

Since the middle of January, I have been helping the rest of my family to care for my elderly grandmother. This is a labor of love for all of us; however, even when laboring for love you can get depleted. All of us are playing different roles in this play entitled Keep Gma out of a Nursing Home as Long as Humanly Possible. For me it involves traveling to Franklin (a 1-hour drive one way) twice per week and working and homeschooling from my parents' house while caring for Gma. I also prepare dinner (most of the time) for my entire family on those days and try to keep Hannah from destroying my mother's things (not very successful at that one). Caring for Gma is not THAT bad in the grand scheme of things. Her care involves mostly gently cajoling her to do the things she needs to do: teeth brushing, hair brushing and ensuring her meds are taken and vitals are recorded. I do prepare her meals (but big WUP I was doing that for four little ones anyways.... what's adding in one more mouth to prep food for). Most things she is still capable of doing herself. Also, this labor is not without its perks. I am compensated monetarily. We are fed from my parents' pantry two days a week. They have cable, a fact the children RELISH. However, it is still exhausting to take the Crazy Kastner Show on the road two times per week.

Add into the insanity the fact that our washer broke about a month ago. So for that long I have been dragging the laundry of a family of seven to and from Franklin with us twice per week. Again.... there is ALWAYS a silver lining.... my Gma and Auntie Marge fold all my clothes while we are at my parents, but still it is EXCRUCIATING to have this big of a family and have no washer. We are VERY close to hopefully having enough money to replace the beast, but until we do.... on I plod dragging my dirty (and then clean) clothes to and from Mom & Dad's.... being a burden to my parents electric bill and depleting their laundry supplies... and remaining incapable of instantly cleaning up any childlike emergencies (puke, HUGE milk spills which become VERY stinky when stored for 3 or 4 days, other things to delicate for the senses to be posted here).

Oh and that brings up the next little stress to my system. My Great Aunt (also elderly and now incapable of living independently) moved in with us at the beginning of February. In many ways, this is not so bad. She pays us room & board (which is a HUGE help). She LOVES and ADORES the kids and frequently occupies them (especially Hannah who could definitely use 24-hour observation to keep her out of trouble). However, it is still a shock to our system to have a new person in our house. She does require assistance and care, which is a little hard but I keep telling her (because she feels bad and that she is a burden to an already stressed out woman) she changed my diapers when I was a baby... I can do my part and get her a cup of coffee or remind her to take her meds. It is, however, quite "interesting" living with someone who has spent the past five years basically being a hermit. She has REALLY toned down the continual talking about inconsequential things; however, she still reads me EVERY SINGLE street sign we pass when we are in the car. It's like I have a living breathing GPS system sitting next to me. That means that four times a week for one hour each time I have to hear,

"Madison Road. Turning onto Madison Road."

"Hwy 33. We're at Hwy 33."

"Washington County. We're in Washington County now."

"Hwy 41. That's how we get to Milwaukee. Hwy 41."

"Germantown. Already in Germantown."

ALL THE WAY TO AND FROM Franklin! It is interesting to say the least.

The typical Kastner stresses have been heating up too.... John's neck/shoulder muscles have been revolting lately. They seem to get tighter by the day. The other night he walked into the bedroom, and his shoulders were nearly touching his earlobes. The pain and tightness tends to make him a "little" crabby to the point that I'm about ready to make a bed for him on the front porch and start sliding his meals through the screen door. And lack of money... ahhhh lack of money my constant companion..... we are now just $106 away from paying off our van yet last month we had to scrape and struggle to come up with a HUGE amount of back payments to ensure we were allowed to keep the dilapadated beast we just about own. I cannot remember the last time I was able to go to the grocery store and just BUY the things we need. This week I promised the kids that the second I had the full amount budgeted for groceries they could each pick their favorite meal and that week we'd have "Favorites Week" for dinners. They are so sick of having no "snackies" in the house, but yet they still don't tire of pancakes for dinner. PLEASE!!!! No one tell them that this is because pancakes cost just pennies per serving and make a VERY economical dinner. They think I am spoiling them!

Finally, add into this recipe for a breakdown: stress with my work, still adjusting to living in a new community, my oldest entering the "tween" stage and acquiring a rare, but oh so lovely, teenage type attitude, rolling my stinking ankle every time I try to get a little "me-time" by working out, a bum back cuz I'm old & out of shape, my face breaking out like a teenager, having a husband I rarely see cuz he works two jobs, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF!

I've been begging God for answers, solutions, coping strategies, and as always, He "gives generously to all without finding fault" (from James 1:5) I have been getting some answers, and here's the first one.

pray continually; I Thessalonians 5:17

That's the entire verse. I swear it is. If you don't believe me, look it up! It doesn't say, "Pray when you're in trouble." It isn't, "Pray when good things happen." It isn't even, "Pray morning, noon and night." I think that I Thessalonians 5:17 may be the most poignant verse in the whole Bible.... "pray continually;" (emphasis mine)

I looked up continually. Here's what I found:

1 : continuing indefinitely in time without interruption

2 : recurring in steady usually rapid succession

Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession.... Is that how you pray??? I guess I'll have to examine that idea to arrive at my answer to that question.

At first I guess I thought that God was saying to me, "Pray some more, Jami." But the more I looked at it, the more I came to a different conclusion.

If my directive from God's Word is to pray "Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession...." I guess I would have to look at EVERYTHING I do as part of my prayer. I stopped to think: Is my life lived as a prayer to God? Are my words formed as a prayer to God? When I'm talking to my children? Is it language worthy of being before the throne of God? When I'm working? Is it work worthy of being before the throne of God? When I am relaxing? Is it in a manner worthy of being before the throne of God?

This concept is rocking my world. [Quick Sidenote: I absolutely LOVE and ADORE the way God takes a concept we know... one we have known since Sunday School.... one we memorized in AWANA.... one we heard about in Youth Group.... even one we clung to in previous dark days.... and REVOLUTIONIZES its meaning to us so we understand and KNOW it more deeply more completely... the same yet completely different.] This morning it came to fullness in my heart. It had been kinda lurking around in the shadows of busyness for several days and today it stepped out into the light and made itself FULLY known.

pray continually;

So that's the first coping strategy God is giving me.... turn my life into a prayer to Him.... make every word I say.... every action I execute.... a PRAYER TO HIM.... make my inner thoughts and the aroma of my attitude a PRAYER TO HIM.... be CONTINUALLY (Continuing indefinitely in time without interruption.... recurring in steady usually rapid succession....) in prayer.

That's my challenge to you today too....

pray continually;

I've got tons more that God is teaching me through all of this, but today's blog is long enough. You'll have to wait until tomorrow for more. So until tomorrow...

pray continually;

The other side of the coin

I can't wait for this day to end. Stress has been my constant companion. There were several times today when I wanted to lose my Christian testimony or maybe just my mind, but it was you, my blog readers, who inspired me to keep plugging on. I kept on thinking, "I have to keep going so I can give them a good report."

Just yesterday, just YESTERDAY, I ended my blog:

Wherever you are this morning: at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

And right away today, I had to put my money where my mouth was and live that theory out. It was NOT so easy, but I am happy to say that so far, I've made it.

I awoke for the first time at 3 a.m. when a sleepwalking child invaded my bed, then again at 4 a.m. when a nightmare required some soothing to get a little princess back to sleep and finally at 5 a.m. when it was time to get up and get started with our day.

It wasn't looking good from the moment we pulled out of our garage door. It had snowed... not much, but it doesn't take much to make for treacherous roads out here in Dodge County. We prayed, slipped and struggled our way up Madison Road to Hwy 33, but by the time we reached 41, it was becoming quite evident that we would NOT be on time. We had to drop John at MU instead of going straight to my parents' house (today was one of our days to care for Gramma). After dropping him off safely, the children and Auntie Marge and I continued on our way to Oma and Poppa's house.

Once I walk in the door on the mornings I care for my Gramma, the mania seems to commence IMMEDIATELY. Everyone needs me at once. Four little children dragged from their beds a little too early for them have weathered the one-hour drive and are now awake enough to realize they are HUNGRY. Their noisy clammering tends to wake Gramma who needs a lot of attention first thing in the a.m.: blood sugar needs to be tested, blood pressure needs to be taken, meds need to be administered, breakfast must be made, etc... Somewhere in the middle of all that I attempted to get Hannah a glass of water, I was pushing the lever for the ice dispenser and I could hear something, but nothing was coming out. I thought, "Where in the WORLD is the ice?!?!?!?" I opened the freezer door and was met with the answer: LOUDLY and MESSILY several cups of ice poured out onto the floor answering my query. It was at that exact moment, that I realized I was having the complete opposite of "A beautiful morning...."

In the next few breaths as I swept up and tossed out the ice, I mulled over the choice before me: loose my temper and get frustrated with all this chaos or live out what I had blogged about the day before. A few moments later as I cleaned some dishes the following started pouring out of my soul (and my mouth): "I have decided to follow Jesus. I have decided to follow Jesus." It grew in my belly and was exploding out of me with fervor and emotion. "No turning back! No turning back!" I thought to myself, "From now on, every time that Satan throws these pathetic little darts at me in an attempt to steal my joy, ruin my acts of service, or even cause me to sin, I am going to fight back with THIS song!" I promised myself that I WOULD remember that he wouldn't be attacking me if I weren't doing some good for the kingdom. I purposed in my heart to "count it all joy" and praise Him at the top of my lungs whether it was sunny or stormy in my world.

I wish I could say the day instantly got better. It didn't. There was still a cantakerous 6-year old to deal with, a VERY messed up wireless network adapter in my way, worries about the bills I can still hardly pay, and the continual stress of constantly trying to do more than I should. As we traveled home in the car tonight, I was nearing tears. My exhaustion, the tensions of the day, abundant conflict all around me, threatened to overwhelm me. I sat there with wails building in the back of my throat and started just chanting in my head, "I won't give up. I won't give up." (It was SO very important to me to weather this day and be able to tell all of you I did.) When all of a sudden like an answer STRAIGHT from God, the sun broke through my clouds. K-Love started playing Sing, Sing, Sing by Chris Tomlin. I LOVE that song, and earlier in the day when I first arrived at my parents' house it had come on but I had to get out of the car and start the insanity so I couldn't listen to it. I started singing that song like my life depended on it. I was belting it out. I lifted my hands as I sung, "LIFT HIGH THE PRAISE OF JESUS!" And then I felt it.... the moment when my praise actually ushered in the peace of God.... I literally FELT it.... the children who had been bickering WAY too loudly quieted down and actually heard the song.... Even my Aunt stopped commenting on all she was seeing around her somehow transfixed by the presence of God which had entered the minivan..... I could feel Him all around me.... I could feel Him crowding in and bringing peace with Him.... My spirit settled down and my emotions followed suit. What followed was odd... K-Love seemed to being playing a playlist entitled Jami Lynn Kastner's favorites: Perfect People came on, then a few worship songs I LOVE and finally Free to be Me.... I got a 20 minute retreat into the presence of God and I was GREEDY for it! It refreshed me! It encouraged me! It strengthened me to go on!

Again I wish I could say it made everything better, but it didn't. We arrived home to more lunacy.... putting away all of the Wal-Mart stuff... unpacking the basket from Oma's house... a stack of bills a mile high in the mailbox... trying to get 4 VERY crabby and completely spent children into bed..... the discovery of a towel used to wipe up a milk spill that REALLY should have been washed before we left.... and then traipsing down to my office because I vowed I'd type this blog before bed only to have the cat step on the power strip and shut off my puter.....

But guess what y'all? I did it. It wasn't pretty. But I did it. I stood strong, and it was mostly because of all of you. Because I wanted to be able to say to you at the end of this day, "By the POWER OF GOD alone, I was able to stand strong." I wanted so badly to be able to give you all a good report afterwards. What a vast supply of accountability partners you all served as today! Thank you so much! I hope in return I could encourage you a little with this blog. Hang tight! Don't give up! Try using a little praise to usher in the breakthrough, peace, or just a tiny little oasis of rest from the struggle... but whatever you do remember this:

Wherever you are this morning (evening): at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.

Peace out y'all! I am going TO BED! Praise Jesus! (I might have to get a little charismatic over that thought.) Hope you all have a great night and a blessed tomorrow.

A beautiful morning....

Hmmmm…. What started out as a bit of a chaotic morning (John took about 4 “alarms” to get out of bed, Jeremiah awoke at 6 a.m. because the cat jumped on his pillow, Hannah awoke too early and she was C-R-A-B-B-Y, my back was SPASMING and shooting pain all the way down my left leg), had turned around quite nicely thank you (John and I read the Bible and prayed before he left for work, Jeremiah and Hannah crashed on the couch watching TMNT because they both woke too early, Elijah and Auntie Marge were still asleep, and Noah was playing PS2 so I was blissfully in silence).

I was walking down the stairs to my office carrying my third cup of “nectar from God” (that’s coffee for those of you who don’t speak Jamiese) and I thought, “What a beautiful morning! What a peaceful way to start the day! I wish every day started like this.” And all of a sudden conviction hit me so hard my coffee literally sloshed over the edge of my cup and splashed on my foot…. Is God any less great on the mornings that start out anything BUT beautiful? OUCH! As the coffee seeped into my slipper that thought seeped into my soul…

When I awaken John late, and we are racing about getting him out the door, when Hannah won’t be consoled by adolescent turtles throwing great roundhouse kicks, when the cat doesn’t just jump on someone to wake them up but pukes on their comforter and all over their p.j.s, when I stumble down the stairs with a burnt cup of “nectar from God” rushing to my puter an hour late to see what awaits me in my work inbox…. Isn’t He the same God who deserves all my praise and worship?

I know it’s tough to “Praise him in the storm.” Trust me! I know! My life has had its share of storms, and I have not always weathered them gracefully. More often than I care to admit the torrents of rain have tossed me to my knees wailing and screaming, “Why? God! Why?” But God doesn’t change. He isn’t any different. Whether you are standing at the altar pledging your heart till “death do us part” or hunched over a coffin saying goodbye until we meet again…. whether you are rolling in the dough or scraping together $2.63 to put just one gallon of gas in your car and praying you'll make it to your destination.... whether you are healthy and well or sick and infirm... HE IS STILL GOD! He is still on the throne. He is still in control. He is still worthy of your praise and worship.

Let that seep into your slipper today. Mull it over and drink it in. Wherever you are this morning: at the top of the sunny mountain or in the depths of the darkest valley, HE IS STILL GOD! So give Him what he deserves: your praise, your worship, your love.