Thoughts on approval....

Good morning everyone! I'm in the midst of a crazy busy morning... what a WEEKEND we had! My little brother is leaving for basic training tomorrow. Saturday we had a HUGE going away party. Sunday we met for an intimate family dinner. It was a physically demanding and emotionally draining weekend. PLEASE do me a favor and keep my brother in your prayers....

So anywhoos back to this blog... This weekend was BUSY and this morning I have a TON to do. I quickly opened my Internet Explorer but before I could type in the address of my work's remote login site, an article about Tim Tebow caught my eye. I refuse to link to it because the situation irks me. But apparently over the weekend Tim Tebow attended a Yankees game (in Yankee fan attire) and when they showed his picture on the jumbotron, he was booed by the New York audience. [PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ARE SO RUDE!  Tim Tebow IS a person you know! GRRRRRRR!] 

Anyways my heart cringed and my eyes got a little wet at the thought of it. You know this is just really a young guy, barely more than a kid, who is just trying to play football and be a good example in the process. The thought popped into my head that maybe it didn't even phase him. You know he has GOT to know that God's approval is WAY more important than man's and that God SURE is not booing him.  But then I thought more and realized, disapproval HURTS. No matter what.... No matter when... it hurts. It doesn't matter if we are surer than SURE that we are on the path that God has put our feet on or not... It hurts to feel the sting of other people's disapproval.

We homeschool our children not because it is an easy choice or because it is ALWAYS fun or because we're some sort of conspiracy nuts... We homeschool our children because we feel CALLED by God to make that choice for their education. We homeschool our children because we believe that God wants us to. We pray every, single, solitary year and ask God, "Where do you want these children to be educated?" And for the past few years, He has answered, "At home."  Yet STILL... in spite of the conviction and calling we SOLIDLY believe in, it hurts when people make snide remarks, try to convince us we're not doing right by our children, or simply look down their noses at us like they think we're stupid for homeschooling.

I'm sure it wasn't fun for Noah standing out in the dessert building an ark. I'm sure Moses didn't ENJOY leading the children of Israel through the Red Sea and into the dessert. I'm sure Jesus didn't enjoy the walk to the cross (the Bible says he cried out, "Lord, take this cup from me!"). I'm sure Tim Tebow didn't enjoy being booed this weekend. But in the discomfort of disapproval Noah, Moses, Tim and John & I have the comfort and sureness of knowing that we are following our God's instructions to us. Those instructions do NOT have to make sense to ANYONE else. Sure it helps to have the support of a few valued people. It helps that my sister homeschools too... that my mom continually says, "I'm so glad my grandbabies go to school at home." I would bet my FAVORITE coffee mug that Tim Tebow had some help after being booed. I bet he called Mom and she said, "Tim, don't worry about man's approval." But the help and support, the sureness of your conviction, they don't completely erase the sting of disapproval.

I guess I'm near the end of this blog and I'm not really sure what the lesson is supposed to be??? Maybe several things:

1. choose wisely when you're going to be negative to/about someone... booing, snide remarks, judgmental comments... you could be used as a tool of the devil, discouraging someone who is on the path God set them on!

2. if you're being booed... eyes up! refocus and see what God is saying... seek the approval of God not man... lick your wounds... run to your support system.... but ultimately remind yourself Whose approval matters the most.

3. (shameless plug) remember to pray for Seth Thomas Haugh (leaving for basic training tomorrow) our hearts will be missing a piece until he returns so we would really appreciate your prayers.

What's underneath?

I moved VERY slowly this past weekend. I had some nasty bug that settled in my chest and was REALLY tiring me out. My "to do" list was completed over the course of three separate days. It went kinda like this.

Friday: Somehow in spite of my exhaustion and illness, I was able to get the kitchen floors sparkling clean, did some laundry, and CLEANED the basement. I came upstairs from finishing the basement to find a HUGE spill on the sparkling clean floor. SERIOUSLY?!?!?! That wasn't even clean for an hour! Saturday: Cleaned my closet, bathroom, and bedroom, did some more laundry. Sunday: Cleaned the kids' bedrooms and did some more laundry. Then Sunday afternoon, I crawled into bed and really didn't get back out. By Monday morning the kids' rooms were TRASHED! The dishes overflowed in the sink. There was more laundry to be done. I was feeling so discouraged. I started lamenting my sorrows to John and here's what I came up with: When you have small children, the point of cleaning is not necessarily to have a sparkling, perfectly clean house. The point is to know that underneath the clutter and chaos there lies a floor that won't kill your child if they eat something off it. This calmed me down a little. Looking around things didn't look very orderly, but I did have the peace in my heart of knowing that underneath it all, that floor has been "mop & glo'd"... those counters have been sanitized.... the dust has been wiped from those shelves.... all mites, cat hair and other heebie jeebies have been vacuumed out of that carpet...

[Disclaimer: I wonder if I might lose y'all on this application. In some ways I feel like it's a stretch, but it's where God took me. Hope it ministers to someone.]

It's kinda like my life. On the outside it looks all clutter and chaos. I FLY from task to task. I'm homeschooling and working and cooking and cleaning and mentoring and loving and AHHHHHHHHHHH! This past year the STRESS has been laid on my shoulders, and I am not proud of some of the things which have come out. (In fact my latest shame is the dirty word that is Hannah's newest favorite word. Ugh! Guess who's lips she heard that one from?) But on the inside, underneath the stress of too many tasks to do, behind the worry of how we're going to pay the bills, beneath the shame of my falling short, guess what you'll find? Deep in the center of my heart, at the very core of my being, regardless of what the outside looks like, you will find a STRONG and FIRM faith in God. You will find the hope that 2010 will be a jubilee year for the Kastners to make 2009 pale pitifully in comparison. You will find the assurance that no matter what Satan throws at me I will stand....just stand. You will find a deep and abiding love for my Jesus. Isn't that what truly matters? Not whether the outside, visible things are perfectly in order, but the knowledge that on the inside all is right.

Have hope today. It is okay if your life doesn't look perfect on the outside. Those extra gray hairs you found this morning, the added jiggle you noticed on your backside, even the steam you blew off at the one you love the most.... Those aren't as important as what's on the inside. Get your inside cleaned up, and then no matter what craziness leaves it's stain on your exterior, you can rest in the peace that underneath it all is order.

But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

I Samuel 16:7

Sometimes I wanna be a turtle...

Sometimes I just wanna be a turtle. I want to pull my head and arms and legs inside my hard shell when I am scared or under attack. I want to hide away from the cold, cruel, painful world protecting myself from the sting of judgment, the harshness of reality, the pain of loss. I wish I could just crawl away to a corner, retract my appendages and lick my wounds. Yet somehow I don't feel that is what God has called me to.

Trust me I know FULL well the cost of being transparent. I have gleaned the blessings of laying it all there: the constant prayer support, the encouragement, the aid and helpful suggestions. But I have also paid the price of being forthcoming: being judged and criticised, being misunderstood, being ridiculed and looked down upon. Yet in spite of the cost, I remain comitted to the calling of being laid bare before you. In spite of how much the rejection and scorn hurt, I will continue on presenting "My life as a leson.". I will count it joy to be found worthy of the suffering, because it is my life's passion to help others. I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to bring hope to a weary soul.I want to encourage someone who is ready to give up.

So even though it is heating up out there, even though EVERYTHING in me screams, "Retract! Retract!" I refuse to back down. I will continue to let it all hang out. I will continue to share and write and keep giving you "My life as a lesson,".because THAT is God's will for ME in Christ Jesus.

Who's controlling you?

I was reading The Love Dare over the weekend, and this struck me:

If you’re irritable, it’s because you choose to be. If you can’t function
without a clean house, it’s because you’ve decided no other way will do.
If you pick at your mate more than you praise them, it’s because you’ve allowed
your heart to be selfish.

I have long maintained the only person you can control is yourself, and no one else can control you unless you let them. When my children say to me, “He makes me so angry!” I always tell them, “You allow yourself to be angry. He can’t control you!” But this is so much easier to say then to live out!

I have this horrible flaw. I want everyone to approve. I cannot stand for people to disapprove of or doubt my decisions. I am a people-pleaser, and I just want to make everyone happy. This leads me to worry about EVERYTHING! I wonder what will my mother think of this? What will the people at church think of that? Even what will the checker at Pick ‘N Save think when I buy that? I give so much control to others in my life, important (my mom) and not so important (checker at Pick ‘N Save).

Here is the biggest problem with this, quite frequently God calls us to do things that make sense to no one. [Think Noah and the Ark, Joshua at the Battle of Jericho, Peter walking on water.] Often we are asked to step out in faith believing that His ways are not our ways, and to others we must look at best silly but oftentimes even insane. The more control I give to others by worrying what they will think, the less control I give to God.

What’s a people-pleaser to do? I guess I can choose to follow the example of any one of those Biblical heroes: Noah, Joshua, Peter. I choose Peter. I actually like how Peter starts to sink when he focuses on the wind and waves. I can practically see myself starting to sink into a sea of faces. The faces of all those people I am so worried will disapprove of me. I like even more what comes next. Peter is saved when he LOOKS AT JESUS. That is just so poignant. Focus on Jesus! Keep your eyes on Jesus! Do NOT worry about what anyone else will think. Do not fret that this or that person might be watching you and judging you. Keep your eyes on Jesus! Seek God’s will and then with your eyes firmly fixed on your Savior walk across those waves and triumph over all that disapproval!

So that's what I'm gonna do! This people-pleaser is turning in her membership card and vowing with everything in her to keep her eyes affixed on her Savior and pleasing Him alone. Will you join me?

Bare Naked Honesty

Bare-Naked Honesty... This is the theme of the current season God is leading me through. I feel He wants me to be bare-naked honest about the things I am going through right now. I am sure there are many reasons that he has called me to this level of exposure, but the two which have been most recently revealed to me are:

1. I have available to me through my family, my church and even Facebook a VAST network of support. Without bare-naked honesty, no one knows how or when to pray for me. Without bare-naked honesty, no one knows how bad things really are. Without bare-naked honesty, no one can reach out and help us.

2. Another reason God wants me to be so open and honest is because of the blessing it is to others. Sometimes others are blessed by being witness to miraculous answers to our prayers, and sometimes they are blessed with hope as I share the depths of the darkness we have walked through and reveal that not once in the past has God EVER let us down.

But as in all things there is a dark and nasty side to all this bare-naked honesty. Imagine it this way for a moment. You are standing in the middle of a huge arena filled with all your friends and family. Some of these who fill this audience are merely acquaintances, your sixth grade teacher or that guy you vaguely remember from college. Others seated in this arena are intimately acquainted with you; they changed your diapers or have been your best friend since the second grade. All these people fill the seats, waiting for what you have to tell them.

You stand in the middle of a full court with cameras projecting your image onto that huge scoreboard screen above, and you drop your robe to stand there in nothing but your birthday suit. Your purpose for this is noble. Your nakedness is not for the mere sake of nakedness. It is for a higher purpose. It is to reveal your needs to others. It is to encourage and even warn
others.

Yet those around you start to point and snicker at the stretch marks that zig zag across your abdomen. They shake their heads and whisper, “That flab around her middle. That is why she is going through this.” Not everyone is laughing or judging. In fact, as you look closer, you see that it is really only a handful. Almost the entire arena has now stopped to bow their heads and pray for you. Yet those few mockers, those few judges, and even those well-meaning ones who like Job’s dear friends are trying to offer advice but are really just pouring more salt in your tender wounds, they are the ones that stand out. Their laughter, finger pointing, even their “friendly advice” seems to drown out all the prayers you hear being offered.

What is a person to do? “Grab your robe and cover up!” That’s the first thing your heart screams. You should have never opened up. You should never have tried this stupid thing called bare-naked honesty. But back in a little corner of your soul, you hear God quietly whisper, “Surely I desire truth in the innermost parts.” “Scream and shout and fight your cause to them!” That’s your brain talking now. It’s telling you to defend yourself, to present the 3-point sermon you devised in your head before you convinced yourself to drop the robe as God commanded. God counters, “Be still and know that I am God.” What does that mean? I am standing here, exposed and vulnerable. “Look up to ME!” thunders the voice in your soul. And finally you get it.

It doesn’t matter how others respond to your bare-naked honesty. It matters that you did what God told you to do. So get your eyes off the crowd. Turn your eyes up to the One to Whom your pleas are directed, to the One Who has the power to redeem you, to the One to Whom all praise and honor and glory are due.

I do not know what season you are currently walking through right now, but I know that no matter what it is that last sentence applies to your situation. It applies to you who are begging God to heal your children. It applies to you who are unsure how you are going to put meals on the table to feed your children. It applies to you who are walking through what very well might be the last days of your life. Turn your eyes up to the One to Whom your pleas are directed, to the One Who has the power to redeem you, to the One to Whom all praise and honor and glory are due.