Update and a little inspiration.....

Well... John returned to work yesterday. It went fine, but on Mondays he only has to work the one job (MU) so today will be the real test. He plans to return to McD tonight.

Last night he climbed into bed, and there was NO winding down... before the opening credits of our episode of The Office were done, he was ZONKED! So I'm thinking he was a little tired from returning to work at ONE JOB. Tonight I better use my killer spotting techniques as he may not even make it to the bed before falling asleep!

Switching up his meds and increasing the pain killers along with lots of rest and heat/ice therapy has gotten him to the point where he can function again. However, his pain is still at a much higher level than we'd like it to be. Please continue to pray for his stamina. The pain wears him out A LOT. He is drained from just the simple tasks of a normal day. Also continue to pray about the discouragement. He is VERY down and struggling with despair over not being able to get past this. Finally, of course pray for healing... While we recognize that he very well COULD be like this the rest of his life, we refuse to accept that as the end. Our God raised the dead! Our God parted the Red Sea! Our God turned water into wine! What are a few spasmed neck muscles, excruciating headaches, and significant exhaustion to Him?????

So we're still here... hanging on... we had a LOVELY evening last night with two beautiful angels and their guys. Amanda and Amber came to celebrate Father's Day with a cookout at our house. We had a very nice dinner and then watched RV. However, our evening was cut short by the severe weather. They had to skirt out of here QUICK to beat the storms. While the storms did leave me feeling jilted and neglected (we got NOTHING out here in Dodge county! just a little thunder and lightening... no tornadoes... no hail... no hurricane force winds... BLECH!), they were also a good reminder to me. My God created this whole universe. He is bigger and stronger than the tornado that ripped through Eagle last night. He holds the power of those lightening strikes in the palm of His hand. He holds back the rain and sends it forth. I take comfort in knowing my Heavenly Father is THAT big and THAT powerful.

Hope you do too....

Rock Bottom

Have you ever been at rock bottom? I mean the very bottom of the barrel the lowest point you ever thought you would be at? This summer I have been there several times. Only here’s the problem: each time I hit the bottom with a resounding thud and think, “Hmmmm…. This is a sucky place to be. But at least it can’t get any worse.” What I thought was rock bottom gives way, and I plummet down, down, down again to another depth…. Each one of these rock-bottom stops along the way feels like it is surely a depth at which I can never live, a fall from which I can never recover. Yet live I do.

The bottom fell out again two weeks ago. After all this summer has held, I really thought a deeper, darker valley could not exist. Yet it does. This time, however, is a little different. See I’m really not as dumb as I look, and I think I finally might have this figured out. After crashing hard against the bottom of this most recent trial, I have started to gingerly lift up my head and struggle to a seated position. But while I am lifting myself up and brushing off the dirt of the pain all around me, I realize that I no longer think, “This has to be as bad as it can get.” I full well know the reality is that this too could be a false bottom, and before I know it I could be careening on another death defying drop towards another heart-crushing stop.

I have been through more pain than I ever thought I could tolerate this summer. I have faced things that I never thought I could survive. I won’t say I came through victorious, but so far, I am at least still standing. It has been a very long time since I have blogged because I have not known how to be the “my life as a lesson,” “bare-naked honesty” Jami through this valley. I have not been able to share some of the struggles of the summer of 2009 so I instead chose silence.

The silence has ended and I have a few lessons to share from this life-changing summer:

1. No matter what you are going through, no matter how painful, no matter how hopeless and desperate things seem, GOD IS THERE WITH YOU. Life may pack a punch that leaves you face down on the ground. Human beings may hurt and betray you. Sickness may invade your body and leave you in pain and miserable. But no matter what, He is THERE. He will never let you down. Put your trust, your hope, your faith in Him, because HE alone is worthy.

2. There is ALWAYS something worse. I know a lot of the times it really doesn’t feel like there could be, but trust me there is! So no matter what the struggle or trial you are facing today, find some way to thank God that it is not worse. Because believe me, it really could be worse.

3. You will make it through this. You may not feel like it. You may not even want to. But you WILL make it through this if you trust in Him.

4. God is good ALL the time. In the face of what I have seen this summer, I will admit I have questioned this one. I have thought, “God how could you have let this happen?” and “God where were you when this happened?” He is GOOD. This world is evil, and there is a real live Devil who prowls around trying to destroy you, but He is GOOD. HE IS GOOD!

I guess I’m a little scared to even say, “I’m back.” My heart…. My life…. Everything is so raw right now that I do not want to share it, but yet I feel compelled to put it out there and risk the ridicule, the questions, the scorn in the hope that someone, somewhere will be encouraged. That somehow my life will be a lesson to at least one of you. So I guess this jumbled mess of a blog is back online. It will become, however, a messy hodgepog of (hopefully) inspiring blogs and medical updates on John. I am too exhausted and depleted to start up (and keep up) a separate blog for what’s going on with John’s health. Therefore, I’ll post updates on him here along with blogs as often as I can get what my heart is feeling into words.

Another oldie but goodie...

written 1/16/07...

Well, our baby girl got inaugurated into the world of the viciously ill. She had the stomach flu. She couldn't keep down anything, not even just breast milk. She and I had to change our clothes three times. Then the fever started. It only got as high as 101.8, but I could tell she was MISERABLE! I hate it when my babies are sick. She was just pathetic and weak and burning hot; however through it all my little trooper could still manage a smile. I couldn't do anything to make her feel better except just hold her and caress her hot little face and whisper I love you. Somehow though I could tell it made her feel better. The power of a mother's love....made me think of God's love.

It's just like that. Sometimes He can't do anything to make it all better. For Him it's not because he isn't capable of making our situation better, it's because He cannot choose to do what would not be right and good and just. So when we're wallowing in the just consequences of sinful choices or when we are suffering through the "testing of our faith" He's just there, holding us, caressing our hot little faces and whispering I love you.

My new goal now is to be more like Hannah. Being in her Momma's arms didn't make her situation any better, she was still hot and miserable and achy and vomiting, but she was just glad that at least if she had to be miserable she didn't have to go it alone. She was grateful just for her Momma's arms.

Lord, help me to be grateful for my Daddy's arms. Help me to remember that what I am going through is for your glory, might be caused by my own choices, could be Satan trying to gain a victory through me, After I remember that help me to stop wishing away my pain and just be grateful that I don't have to go it alone, grateful that if I have to be miserable and broke and tired that I have my Father's arms around me holding me and whispering, I love you.

May God hold you today. May He whisper, shout or scream, "I LOVE YOU! May you never, ever forget that you are not alone!