Chiseling

The other day I read that trials are God chiseling away the parts He wants to remove from our lives. That image has stuck with me, and this morning it formed into a blog.

I was thinking this morning about how I respond to the chiseling. If you know me you know, I respond to pain by talking, musing, writing, even obsessing about it. I examine it from every angle. I worry over what I did wrong to cause it. I wonder, "If I had only done this differently." All of a sudden it occurred to me... it must be incredibly difficult to chisel a hunk of rock, marble, whatever I am that is constantly in motion.

I realized that the best posture for chiseling is a stationary one. If I would just be still, God's chisel would take exactly what He is aiming to remove. I wondered how often do I flinch, or try to run away, or even just shudder a little, causing the chisel to dig a little deeper. I wonder if some of the pain of going through trials isn't self-inflicted. Worrying about how this will affect my future.... will I be on the streets cuz I can't pay the bills.... how will I live without that person in my life... I bring a lot of the suffering on myself by trying to pick up burdens I have no business carrying.

So as I approach the mountain of basic training in front of me (and as I glance back on the broken relationship behind... even as I look around at the finicaial struggles that are my constant reality) I want to work harder to be still. I want to remain as stationary as possible soaking up every ounce of the lessons God has for me in each season so He can chisel me into a better replica of Himself.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18

Let go

Today I'm struggling with my people pleasing tendencies. I want everyone to love me. I want to make everyone happy. I want a perfect, peaceful, happy world where I offend no one, and I'm never misunderstood. Well Barbie, shake the dust off... we arent in Neverland anymore.

This morning, God is trying to pierce my heart. He's trying to get me to hear something I don't want to hear.... "Let go." I need to stop pouring my heart, my dreams, even my prayers into people I will NEVER please. "Let go." I have people, children, loved ones all around me who love and accept me inspite of my flaws. They deserve my time, my attention, my acts of service. "Let go." I'm not meant to minister to, be in relationship with, be loved by everyone.

I need to "Let go." and allow God to remove from my life relationships that shouldn't be there. I need to "Let go." to free up my hands to pour into the relationships that are God ordained. I need to "Let go."

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
Matthew 7:6

Laying down my why

I like to know why... why I have to walk through this... why I have to be Christlike in the face of vicious, sinful behavior... and my favorite: why is this happening???

This morning as I was wrestling with the why of an ugly, painful, confusing play I've been cast in, I heard my own voice in my head, "Because I'm the mom, and I said so." It's something I say often... when I just dont have the energy to give a 5-point dissertation to my brilliant, precocious, tenacious child. It's something I've threatened to have put on t-shirts to sell. Some things are just because I said so. Doesn't mean I don't have a reason. Doesn't mean I don't care about my child. Doesn't mean I didn't think it through. Sometimes it means I'm too busy to give the reason. Or that I'm too tired to explain. Sometimes it even means that God hasn't even revealed the reason to me yet. I just know in my bones that is the answer.

This morning as I whined, "Why???" I felt, "Because I'm God, and I said so." And it struck me. Might be this painful route will protect me from even worse pain. Might be to protect the other actress in this scene. Might be logical consequences of sinful actions need to be felt. Might be so others can see Jesus in me (In fact, I feel this is an almost constant subpoint why... let's call it a "subwhy" to any suffering. So others can see Jesus in my suffering.)

So this morning I set a new goal... to lay down my why. To place it at the feet of my Heavenly Father.... in submission... in respect... as an act of worship... because HE IS GOD AND HE SAID SO.

I know it won't be easy. A sassy girl like me is going to have to lay down that nasty why over and over and over again. But today I'm going to start trying.

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:9

Icky people

People can be icky, prickly, flawed. I can be icky... prickly... FLAWED. We aren't called to love the behavior of people. We are called to love the people.

Sometimes the behavior of the people I love is terrible. They lose their temper. They make poor choices. They live in perpetuating cycles of dysfunction. But. Still. I. LOVE. Them. Wanna know why? It's not because they are always lovable. Nope. There are two reasons why I love people even when they are unlovable.

1. I love people even when they are unlovable because Christ loves me, and He commands me to love others. When He loves me, it isn't my behavior He's loving. When He loves me, it isn't only when I'm lovable. He. Loves. Me. PERIOD. When He commands me to love others, He doesn't say "love people when they are lovable" He says. Love. People. PERIOD.

This is the message you have heard from the beginning: We should love one another.
1 John 3:11

2. I love people even when they are unlovable because I am unlovable at times too. I lose my crap sometimes. I have unrealistic expectations. I am irritable, ugly, self-centered. I cannot afford to stop loving people when they are unlovable because I am unlovable too!

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.
Romans 3:23

Here's the thing folks... we are called to love. The rest is up to God. Let's work on loving more.... all the time. If we could stop focusing on our differences and just LOVE each other, this world would be a much better place.

A rare treat

Last night I had a rare treat. I'm always bemoaning the fact that I wish I could go back 10 years to when my babies were lil bitty... when they needed me so much... when pudgy lil toddler arms were my constant necklace.... when I was utterly DEPLETED physically but so FULL of being the MOM. In those days, I was exhausted... continually dreaming of when they could wipe their own butts... tie their own shoes... get their own sandwich... Being the MOM was my every minute.... it was commonplace.... we don't often remember to cherish the commonplace.  Well I'm there. Every one of my offspring can do these things on their own now, and you know what? I actually MISS doing everything for them. I miss the commonplace of being the MOM. I'm still their mom,  but it is just not the same.

Yesterday, Elijah had a minor (but PAINFUL) surgical procedure done on a very irritated, ingrown toenail. 

At about 10:30 p.m. (I had been asleep about an hour and a half) Jeremiah woke me with, "Elijah needs you.  He is in a lot of pain." I inspected his toe to confirm we didn't need to call the doctor, and then proceeded to spend the night getting water, Tylenol, pillows to prop the bad foot up. I slept in his room waking each time his moaning intensified to help him find something to ease the pain. It was EXHAUSTING.

This morning as I woke to a WICKED headache I realized... that was it! I got to be the MOM again for a night.  I got to be NEEDED, and I got to care for my nearly grown up baby. And if it weren't for seeing him in so much pain, it would have been a perfect trip back to being the MOM.

Just a couple of lessons here....

To those of you, exhausted, depleted, WORN OUT moms of lil bitties.... please listen to me! Sooner than you can imagine,  these lil bitties WILL wipe their own butts, tie their own shoes, and make their own sandwiches.  CHERISH EVERY SECOND NOW. Because I promise you, it won't be too long before being this needed will be just a distant memory.

To ALL the rest of us.... regardless of what you are going through, there is something about this season of life that you will eventually long for.  In just 7 months I'll send my first born off to basic training.... I remind myself DAILY to CHERISH his stinky socks left out,  his sometime stinky teen-man attitude,  even the senioritis that has set in to plague all his schoolwork... look around right now, and enjoy the good stuff... because it too shall pass.