Happy Birthday America

It's been six months, today, since I've held my baby in my arms. Six. Long. Months. Yes, I know it's been longer for some moms... Yes, I know some moms will never hold their children again.... I respect that and don't envy them. Yet this is not some mom's post. It's mine.

When he left it was GUT-WRENCHING.... He was returning to a base that was being deployed to what we feared was WW3. Then pandemic hit... and I watched as my friends welcomed their college-aged kids home to be quarantined..... my arms stayed empty.  A travel ban is still in place, and it is looking like we won't get to hold him again until Christmas.... empty.  

We've been doing this Army thing for going on two years, and as PROUD as I am, I am EQUALLY gutted.... empty. Perhaps we made this harder on ourselves by homeschooling. So much closeness... complete control of his curriculum, schedule,  free time.... now he is the property of the US Army... we have no say... he has very little "free" time... or maybe it would be hard regardless. All I know is holidays are different.... special days are bittersweet.... and my arms ACHE to hold my first-born child again. 

This year.... Christmas can't come fast enough. So Happy Birthday America... I'm ready for Christmas. 

Boxing Day thoughts...

I've been walking through a season of loss lately... not big, huge, death, kinda loss... just little, everyday, letting go of the way things used to be and walking forward into a new landscape kinda loss. Life is such a journey of ups with downs,  good with bad,  tender with tough.  Here's what God has been teaching me through this transition:

1. Minimizing my details does not help. Marginalizing my struggles because they aren't as bad as someone else's doesn't do much towards the goal of adjusting and adapting to MY situatuon. My goal in each and EVERY situation has to be to know Him and make Him known.  Shoving my feelings aside because they aren't as serious as other people's struggles is not productive toward that goal. 

2. There's a reason why the rearview mirror is so much smaller than the windshield.  I do need to glance back. Remembering what God has carried me through in the past.... revisiting mistakes I've made and the lessons they've brought is beneficial.  But ultimately I've got to get my eyes forward and figure out where I'm going.... how I'm going to respond to my current troubles.... what God wants me to glean from this valley season. 

Our holiday this year was different.... I won't call it bad (there was too much good mixed in for that). I won't call it a mess (there was too much purpose and too many divine moments for that). It wasn't a complete failure,  but it wasn't a roaring success either.  So as I sit here on the day after, pondering.... I'm feeling called to give value to my struggles without comparing them to what other people walked through the past 2 days. And I'm working to pry my eyes away from the train wrecks and disappointments that were a part of my Christmas and gaze intently through the windshield to find the path to the new year that God wants my feet on.  

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28 

What I want my kids to know

10 years ago today was the very first hospital trip that set our feet on the path of brain surgery, neck surgeries, seizure-like episodes, medical bills unending, prescriptions as a lifestyle. 10 years ago.

Today we still haven't fully left the medical woes behind us. But honestly they've been eclipsed by bigger trials, hairier experiences, greater heartbreak. We have adult and almost-adult children now.... and as they face trials of their own... and as we struggle to watch them travel their own dark valleys... here's what I want them to know about tough times.

1. FEEL IT. Don't bottle it. Don't deny it. Don't whitewash your feelings so other people feel comfortable. Feel. Them. Cry the tears that are aching to be cried. Scream the screams boiling in the base of your belly. Use your angry words. Let. It. Out. God isn't put off by your pain... by your anger... by your fear. And you're not fooling Him when you try to slap a bandaid on your bullet hole and call it fine.

You delight in truth in the inward being,
Psalms 51:6

2. TURN TO GOD. Whatever happens... no matter how dark the valley... no matter how unfathomable the sea... turn. towards. God. He holds the key. He wants to lead and guide and carry you through what no man wants to endure. So turn to Him.

for He has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

3. GET THROUGH IT. Eventually there comes a time to pull up your big girl (or boy) pants... to build a bridge and GET OVER IT... or under it or through it.... when you've cried your tears and prayed your prayer GET TO WORK and do something to affect your situation.

Diligent hands will rule,
Proverbs 12:24

Noah, Jeremiah, Elijah, and Hannah,

I don't want you to have an easy life.  I want you to walk with God. Wherever that may take you.  I can about guarantee that it will take you down some roads that are bumpy,  and through some valleys that are DARK, and you might even be DRAGGED,  KICKING AND SCREAMING through a place you NEVER,  EVER wanted to be.... but if you listen to my words.  If you FEEL IT and TURN TO GOD and just GET THROUGH IT. I promise you.... God will be as faithful to you as He has been to me.

I love you,
Mom

Parenting adults and almost adults

I hate this season of parenting I'm in... I know... I know... every season has its perks... embrace this before it slips away... you raised them with wings so they could fly... don't give me your platitudes... cuz I know them! I've said them! I actually believe them! But. Still. I hate this season of parenting I'm in.

I hate the letting go. I hate the graduations. I hate the getting bigger. The sweet 16's and the far-aways...  I just hate them!

I've raised these wonderful, beautiful, kind, servant-hearted humans, and I really do WANT to share them with all of you.  But gut-level honesty: it was nice when they were mostly just mine, all here under one roof,  needing and loving and wanting me so much!

Here's the thing... if I've said it once on this blog I've said it a HUNDRED times: as much as I want to I can't #turnbacktime nor can I #slowdowntime #timeisapunk and I can't have ANY effect on its passage.

So here is what I'm trying to do: SLOW DOWN... BREATHE IN... even if the air I'm breathing is heavy with teenage angst and sweaty armpits... zoom in on the SWEET and the TENDER... cuz they ARE there... nestled in between the tough and the traumatic.... last night my fiesty, headstrong, hair-style-a-phob strolled in my room and casually asked, "Mom, can you French braid my hair?" I tried to play it off cool like this happens all the time, but I'm sure she caught the hint of glee in my voice as I asked, "Right now?"

There are so many good moments... there are so many positives... even in my soldier being so far away.... three days in a row his end-of-the-day prayer request has been "to go home."

So I'm done whining. Pulling up my big girl pants and focusing on the good... cuz these four humans of mine... they ARE good!

Rejoice always,
1 Thessalonians 5:16

A reason....

Sometimes God breaks our heart for a reason. Sometimes the devil is just trying to break us. Sometimes our hearts are broken because of a sinful choice we made. But sometimes God breaks our heart for a reason .

When John and I first got married, we moved to Denver for a "fresh start." He got a job right away. I did not. I went on interview after interview. Nada. I remember hearing I didnt get one teaching job, and just THROWING myself across our bed and SOBBING. Why couldn't I find a job? Would I ever teach again? My heart was broken.

After 5 months my mother said to me, "Why dont you move home? Think of this time in Denver as a long honeymoon and just move home."

See there was a reason for my broken heart. God didn't want our roots planted in Colorado. His plan was for us to move home and build our family... our life... here in Wisconsin. So He was willing to allow my pain and heart break for a greater plan.

I urge you today. If there is something you can do to fix the situation that is breaking your heart, ok. Do it. Rage against the devil. Confess a sinful choice. But if you think God may be breaking your heart for a reason, I encourage you to lean into it. Express the pain. Be angry. Be sad. Cry. Scream. Rage. Then wipe your face and move on, keeping your eyes open for the reason. It might take YEARS to see the reason. And actually you might never see that reason this side of Heaven. But trust and be sure. Sometimes God breaks our heart for a reason.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:17