Focus

It's been rough around here this week. I haven't been sleeping well all week. Then I started getting a cold. Discouragement has been settling in because it has been a WEEK since we received any mail from our soldier.

Then this morning, John went out to warm up his truck and found a letter to Noah in the bushes.  He brought it in, and I opened it... it was the stamps I sent him 11 days ago! I started crying as I went up the stairs to get a new envelope and mail it again.

"Is this why we've gotten no mail??? Cuz he has no stamps???"

"I'm the worst mom ever!"

"We have the worst mail person EVER!" (this is the THIRD letter we've found... one was returned to us by the neighbor around the corner who found it in front of his house!)

Thoughts assaulted me and just shoved my face deeper in the dirt. After just a lil bit of wallowing (FINE! 15 minutes!), God grabbed me by the messy bun, wrenched my head around, and said to me, "Focus! This isnt about YOU. This isnt about what YOU want. This. Is. About. Noah."

As I focused I realized that even if Noah is out of stamps and unable to write to us, he has STILL been getting mail. I send at least two pieces of mail a day. John sends mail. My kids send mail. My sister sends mail. My mom sends mail. And so many others have reached out to say they are sending him mail. Noah is what matters. Noah being encouraged. Noah getting letters to lift his spirit. And that is happening.

As I refocused, I realized that is my biggest lesson in this season as the mother of a soldier in Basic Training, "Focus." I have to focus on God. When the enemy attacks.... When my fears are boiling over... When I'm exhausted... when I just MISS MY SOLDIER... FOCUS.

I've been just saturating myself in worship this week. It truly is the best way to focus. And two songs have been MINISTERING my socks off (Thank you Alyssa Westrich)....

"It may look like I'm surrounded but I'm surrounded by You...."

and

"All I did was praise
All I did was worship
All I did was bow down
All I did was stay still"

I hope these minister to someone else too. Have a blessed day, and "Focus!"

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.
Hebrews 12:2

Thoughts on growing up...

Here's the thing.... people keep saying things to me like: "Don't say, 'Goodbye'... say, 'See you later.' or "This isn't the end. It's the beginning." But here's the thing: it IS goodbye, and it IS an end. It's goodbye to his everyday physical presence in my life. It's an end to his childhood. It's goodbye to opening his door in the morning just to see him sleeping. It's an end to having four children under my roof. I'm not denying that it's also a beginning. It's not like there is absolutely NOTHING that is good about this transition. But I'm wondering why I don't have the permission to mourn the loss part. Why do I have to focus on the good? Why are we all so afraid of the messy emotions?

I've been studying a lot about anxiety (both for myself and for my anxious child), and one thing I've come to realize is that a good portion of the angst in our souls comes from unidentified emotions. Failing to identify what we're feeling. Refusing to admit what we're feeling. Even misunderstanding what we're feeling. A good portion of peace comes from honestly naming what we are going through. You know... like in that book... the Bible... "the truth will set you free."

So why is it that so many keep advising me in the opposite direction? I dont know... but here's the bare naked truth of this: Yes, this is the natural progression of things. Yes, I raised him to give him wings. Yes, he's doing what he has always dreamed of. But. This. Is. Hard. It is hard for the momma to let go. It is hard to walk the path from being the center of his universe to being a supporting actress to just being in the audience. It sucks not to hug him every day. I hate that I haven't heard his voice in over 48 hours. This. Is. Hard.

Phew! Okay! That felt GOOD! Now I will return to the regularly scheduled programming.... See ya later.... it's the BEGINNING!

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
John 8:32

Noah James

Well today is the day. I'm both ready and not ready. Saying goodbye these past few weeks has been beautiful, perfect, amazing, exhausting, heart-rending, difficult. I am ready to be done anticipating your departure, but not ready to give you that one last squeeze before you leave.

I don't doubt. I really truly don't. For the past 18 years, I've doubted and wondered and worried... was homeschooling the right choice? did I hug you enough? did we pray enough? read the Bible enough? But today all my doubts are gone. You are EXACTLY the man you were supposed to be.... the one I dreamed all along you would be. You are strong and brave and upright. You are going to be a GREAT soldier. You are going to make life-long friends. But best of all, I do not doubt that you are going to change this world for Christ. I know in the depths of me that every single person you touch is going to be gently nudged in the direction of Jesus.

There is so little I need to say to you right now because you. are. SO. ready. for this. The fires this family has walked through have forged you and made you strong as steel yet tender too. You know that God and His word hold every answer you will ever need. I've watched you turn to Him for answers many times this summer. You don't need me to nag you or remind you or squeeze in one more lesson. So I guess I'll just end with this one little whisper: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY PLEASE CALL YOUR MOMMA WHEN YOU CAN.

I love you so much NoNo. I'm infinitely proud of you. And I am so excited to watch where God and the Army take you.

Love,

Mom

They didn't tell me

They didn't tell me how to let go.  I mean I've been doing it lil by lil for many years now... get a driver's license... get a job... now a bank account... pledge your life to the Army... but this last finger gripping on the edge of my first born... no one told me how to let go of that. 

How to drop him off at a hotel so the Army can lend him back to me for dinner. How to come back the next day bursting with pride over the sacrifice he's choosing, but then LEAVE. him. there. and return home to his absence. No one told me how to do that.

I guess I'll just trudge through it knowing that God's grace is big enough.  I guess I'll just focus on how proud I am of what he's choosing to do instead of how much my arms already ache to hold him longer. I guess I'll just blab it all out here for the whole world to read.... so that maybe one person can hear this - letting go, it feels like the hardest part. It feels terrifying and heart breaking and exciting and pride-filled, all thrown in a blender and MASHED up. 

Sometimes I don't even KNOW which feeling is going to come out. Literally JUST this morning I cried as I swelled up with pride while listening to God Bless the USA because MY SON is going to be a soldier and that is the most patriotic thing I can think of. And tonight my eyes are leaking all over the place cuz he's leaving my house... and he's going to South Carolina... and there's a FLIPPING hurricane there!

I guess it's really no different than when he drove off on that first solo car ride.  The only choice I had was to trust him into God's capable hands. To trust his instructors had taught him well. To trust we had instilled responsibility in him. To trust that God's got this and then let go. They just didnt tell me it would be THIS hard.

Monday

Noah's going away party was INCREDIBLE, perfect, blessed, full. I literally couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect event than the one that unfolded on Saturday. 

Then yesterday he and I got to go Walmart shopping for the one backpack worth of supplies he gets to take to basic. We didn't buy much, but it was exactly what this momma's heart needed.... some one-on-one time with my first born.

Today I sit on my couch... Bible app on my phone... coffee on my lap... it's my last Monday with all 4 of my babies living under this roof. I'm trying hard to just CHERISH every one of the next 604,800 seconds.  I don't want to waste even one. But sometimes love leaks out your eyes and trickles down your cheeks. Sometimes....

If you're praying for us today, I want you to know that we have our own crossfit-like WoD going on here on Hayes Place. Except it's a MoD (meltdown of the day). Yesterday was Hannah. At the party, it was Elijah. So in addition to keeping my tears from leaking out my own eyes, I also get to navigate others through their grappling with goodbye. I keep reminding myself... this wouldn't hurt so much, it wouldn't be so tough... if our love weren't so deep.

Above all, love each other deeply...
1 Peter 4:8