It is well...

We are standing at the beginning of a deep dark valley. We've actually been descending the backside of the mountain for several weeks. We could see the valley in the distance, so to some extent we could prepare for it. But we've arrived...  Set foot on the actual terrain of the valley last night just before bed.

We've traveled this kind of valley before. It was horrible. Painful. Exhausting. Even faith shaking. As I crawled into bed last night, I felt myself reverting to my old pattern of handling this. Every time I closed my eyes sheer terror overcame me, so I picked my phone back up to try to distract myself from the fiery darts racing through my mind. I think I finally escaped my consciousness just before midnight. I fell asleep whispering the lyrics of my new song.... 

 

You are good

In the morning I sing

You are good

In the evening I sing

You are good

You are good to me

 

I slept like the dead! Blissfully, no nightmares assailed. But when I woke I had that lingering wish I had slept longer feeling. I lifted my cement limbs from my bed and started my day. As I brewed my coffee, the Lord whispered to me. He reminded me how the last time I traveled this valley, I got to the end and glanced back wistfully wishing I had traveled stronger. I repeatedly told Him, "Not that I want another chance to do it better! But..." 

Alas... not my will but His be done... we are here again. And this time. Imma do it BETTER! So just some random reminders to myself... really just a packing list for the trip 

*don't travel alone! Bring your prayer tribe with you, Jami! (You know who you are... prepare to HEAR from me.)

*sing your way through the darkest parts (when sorrows like sea billows blow.... It. Is. Well.)

*cocoon yourself.... reserve your energy... don't overcommit... pull back into your cozy spot and STAY SAFE... surround yourself with love and hope and peace as much as it depends on you.

Here's the thing God spoke to me.... this is gonna happen. You're going to walk this valley. It's up to you whether you walk it with 10 pounds of sharp rocks on your back binge eating m&ms and hot cheetos chased down with espressos.... or if you set down the rocks. Hydrate. Eat whole, good foods. And follow your Guide to the other side.

My goal is the later.

Peace everyone! Have a great day.

For no word from God will ever fail.

Luke 1:37

Worst mom ever....

Everyone has those days right? When you feel like the absolute WORST mother in the world? When you said (or more likely SCREAMED) those horrible words.  When you rushed when they needed slow, spoke when they needed silence, nagged when they needed love.... 

Here's the thing.... it's not getting any easier.... bigger kids bigger problems... I thought this would get easier with time, but it just keeps getting messier and harder.

I suppose if I didn't care about these four humans I birthed more than I care about any other thing I've tried to do, it would be easier.  But the stakes.... they are SO high here.

So regardless I did it. The other day. Spoke what I thought would be a convicting encouragement.... boy, did I miss the mark! It cut to the bone and left my child aching. 😢 If you know me you know I'm an overthinker extraordinaire... so I have been mulling it over.... agonizing...  analyzing... condemning myself for two days.

This morning as I untangled the situation with my hubby, the Lord gave me peace and direction. See I wasn't really WRONG in what I said. There was truth in my words. And I never intended to cut so deeply or cause any pain at all actually. 

The Lord got me thinking about two things:

1. Sometimes people say things to me that HURT. Because I am such a sensitive person I focus on the butt hurt feelings. I stew and moan and, "Why did they SAY that? It hurts so much!" But just because words hurt me doesn't mean they aren't true. And even deeper every single hurtful thing (even the untrue ones) can teach me something. Maybe if only 

*that's not how I want to be or 

*I should be cautious about giving unsolicited advice. 

Every. Single. Thing. In life can be a lesson... if I let it be one.

2. I have to do a better job listening to the Holy Spirit. 

*With those in my very immediate circle (John, Noah, Jeremiah, Elijah, and Hannah) I tend to let every whisper I hear from God FLY out my mouth with little filter. They deserve more. It is okay to count your words with your most intimate people. So I need to zip it a bit more.

*With other people I tend to shake my head and press my lips closed... not ceding to the Holy Spirit as easily because I fear rejection and condemnation. I need to open up my mouth more freely with them. My close friends deserve my whole heart laid vulnerably in their hands. 

So hear I am.... if I'm going live it I want to learn from it. So I'm going to pray God will give me the strength to apply these lessons. But I also want to use this public forum to say: 

Noah James, Jeremiah David, Elijah Daniel, and Hannah Elizabeth, I love you more than my own life. I'm sorry you have an imperfect mom. You deserve a perfect mom. But what you do have is a mom who LOVES you with ALL of her heart.... and a mom who will NEVER stop trying to be a better mom. Please forgive my failings.  I never set out intending to let you down.

Love,

Mom

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8 

As far as it depends on you....

On my road trip to North Carolina, I caught up on my Elevation Church sermons. For whatever reason I haven't been catching them live lately, so I listened to them while I drove. [Steven Furtick can PREACH!]

Back home, I decided to try to listen to one sermon a day. So while I was wading through vacation laundry two nights ago, I opened YouTube and clicked on a video that had a picture of Steven Furtick. As the person started talking, I realized this wasn't Steven Furtick and this wasn't a sermon. I backed out and read the title. What I was actually listening to was a podcast of someone bashing Steven Furtick.  They had just used a picture of him in the thumbnail. 

For quite some time God's been forming a lesson in my heart. It has taken several different forms, but they all spring from the same truth He wants me to see. 

*Initially I heard it this way: there were just many people who thought Miss Haugh was the best teacher they ever had as there were people who thought that Miss Haugh was an obsessive-compulsive, control freak put in their lives to make them miserable. 

*I  have heard it multiple times during this election season: Donald Trump is the best thing that ever happened to America vs  Donald Trump is destroying America.

*I think that Steven Furtick brings the Word of God hot and fresh every time he steps up to that pulpit, and clearly the woman in this podcast does NOT think that.

As I started to ponder to find the lesson God wanted me to get, I breezed right by everyone has the right to their opinion and landed on something else.... 

I started to wonder does Steven Furtick REALLY never preach a bad sermon? Is Donald Trump really as evil as CNN wants me to believe? Was Miss Haugh ever out to get people? 

Is it more likely that our opinions shape the way we respond to things? Is it possible that Strven Furtick gets up in my kitchen every Sunday because I go into the sermon expecting him to? Is it possible that the media sees Trump offering to send troops to Seattle as dictatorial because they hate him? Is it possible that you overlooked and excused Miss Haugh's OBVIOUS flaws and shortcomings because you liked her?

Stay with me please.... I know this one is long.... but it's been brewing in my heart for quite some time.

Because IF those things are possible, THEN we have the power to just make them different! We can just switch the lens we are viewing those situations through. We can have the power to choose joy over depression. We can have the power to hear a word from God out of a donkey's mouth. We can have the power to submit to and learn from an authority figure (like Miss Haugh or Donald Trump) who we dont agree with.

I like this power. I hate being a victim. I want the control to decide to HEAR from a preacher I don't prefer.  I want to FLOURISH even in the presence of my enemies.  I want to GROW even when my teacher bores me near to death. 

So here's what I'm doing today. I'm taking back my power, and I'm examining my heart, especially when something offends me or I dislike something.  I am going to look more closely and see if its possible that my bias is causing me to roll my eyes, get my hackles up, turn off my ears. I am going to change the ONLY person I have control over.... ME!

If it is possible, AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU, live at peace with everyone.

Romans 12:18 

(emphasis mine) 

Night driving...

I struggle with driving at night... it's something about not being able to see were I'm going.... like FAR down the road going... even though my eyes can see the lane lines RIGHT in front of me, I can't see FAR down the road... and that scares me. I get this weird panic attack feeling when my brain can't gather the distant image and has to rely solely on just the feet in front of me that my headlights illuminate. I have this panicked NEED to KNOW where I'm going! It happened several times on this girl's road trip to see Noah and struggling through it was PACKED with application for me. Gonna try to unpack it here.

It hit me like an owl flying out of the dark and into my windshield: well well well... at least you're consistent! You get this same panicked feeling when you can't see where your trials are taking you also. When you can't see FAR down the road of the struggle (which is most of the time when you're walking with God).... When all you can see is the few feet of the situation RIGHT in front of you that your headlights have illuminated.

I thought about how I was getting through the night driving terrors, and it was DEEP y'all! 

1. I breathed... like I seriously connected to my breath and just BREATHED my way through until it passed.

2. I encouraged myself... I literally talked (out loud) to myself, "Focus on what you can see, Jami. Just keep breathing. Stay between the lines you can see. Just stay in your lane."

3. I found a vehicle up ahead to fix my eyes on for perspective, and I course corrected off of them. 

4. Sometimes... it didnt really make sense. But sometimes I even sped up in order to catch up to another car that I could use for perspective. 

And I thought..... when I get home I have GOT to blog about the parallels between these night driving terrors and struggles. The connections aren't hard to draw, but imma draw them here in the hopes that it will cement these reminders in my fickle heart.

1. Breathe.... when life throws you a swift hard PUNCH to the gut... BREATHE. Just BREATHE. Physically.... it helps to just concentrate on your breathing.... inhale slowly.... count if you have to... exhale slowly... focus HARD on the process of breathing... give time for the panic to dissipate a little.

2. Encourage yourself. Remind yourself of God's promises. Tell yourself you're going to survive. Redirect your panicked thoughts to focus on what you can see... to stay in your lane... get your eyes OFF the problem and onto God.

3. Find a vehicle up ahead! Tell someone about your struggle. Find someone who has previously driven down this road and FOLLOW THEM until you get your perspective and can see the whole road again.

4. If you have to SPEED UP to catch someone to follow... it's not Sunday yet??? Find your church family anyways. You don't know anyone who has struggled down this road? SEEK THEM OUT.... don't give up until you find another person to help you course correct... to give you perspective... to help you see which way to go.

The first time this terror hit me.... I was just a few hours from Noah at about 8 p.m.... stopping until daylight just wasn't an option. So I pulled up my big girl pants and fought through. On the return trip, as night fell.... I kept the lessons I learned in NC in the front of my brain.... I sought out vehicles to follow the entire time I was driving.... whether in a well-lit area or a DARK stretch of the path..... I made sure there was always someone in the distance for perspective... I practiced taking my eyes off the distance and navigating by the lane markers... and I just kept breathing and telling myself it would be fine.... just for a little next-level fun it started POURING in Indiana... even before dark fell... I just kept using my strategies,  and I powered right through.

I feel like this blog is a bit of a jumble.... but I hope it ministered to someone. Even if it didnt.... it helped me to get it down for posterity so the next road trip or the next struggle.... it will be better cemented in my brain.... and for me, the most important takeaway was.... find someone to follow through the dark.... 

Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

1 Corinthians 11:1 

For His name's sake...

I'm unpacking this verse this morning:

He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake.

Psalms 23:3

Already wrote an entire blog about one part...  went back to finish meditating on the rest of the verse and caught THIS:

for His name's sake....

It hit me like a ton of bricks... FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE.... He guides me along the right paths FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE.... not for my comfort... not for my enjoyment... not for perfection... but FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE.

Follow me here.... if I'm on the right path for His name's sake, it might get messy, so He can be glorified.... it might get HARD, so He can show HIS power.... it most likely will NOT be easy.... because I'm on the right path FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE not for anything else.

Wow!

The right paths...

"Sometimes life's just hard  for no reason at all."

Carol Boone... Remember the Titans

I struggle A LOT with wanting to believe if I just make the "right" choices,  do everything "right," be a good girl.... then life will work out... be easy... picture perfect. 

This morning I was meditating on the "verse of the day"

He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake.

Psalms 23:3 

The Lord spoke to me about the "right paths".... He showed me that even on the "right paths" there are potholes... there are rocks that can roll your ankle or even block the path.... there are things that could trip you or ways you can be forced to slow down... right paths aren't perfect... nothing is perfect.... except God. 

This revelation drew me back... full circle... to the movie we watched with Noah two days ago.... Remember the Titans.... after a tragic,  life-altering car accident,  Carol Boone (Coach Boone's wife) says, "Sometimes life's just hard, for no reason at all." 

Sometimes you can do everything,  every single darn thing, "right" and still end up having to go through some hard stuff. That's life, and it's beautiful and comforting while sad and infuriating. 

Today I just wanted to remind myself,  right paths aren't always easy.