When it feels like God is late...

Before I even start, let me please make it CLEAR:  I know that God's timing is not our timing. I know that He has not dropped the ball. I know that He is still in control.

But sometimes it FEELS like God is late. It feels like He should have stepped in weeks, months or even years ago. It feels like SURELY He has lost track of all the things currently heaped on one person's shoulders. It feels like He lost track.

I have been PRAYING! I have been BEGGING for prayer and I KNOW others are praying too... yet still here we sit.. nothing changes but for the worse.

I know all the Christianese for my situation: I know I need to hang on. I know I need to trust God. I know I need to consider the lilies of the valley....

I also know that I have been BEGGING God to let me catch just ONE title to write about for MONTHS now... nada. I also know that I have been trusting Him to bring GOOD out of John's most recent medical woes... nopes! Nothing but negative ramifications raining down on us from that. I know that every single stinking place I turn there is NOTHING but broken down, negative, NONSENSE coming my way.

This morning I woke up to the refrigerator incessantly beeping. This is a NEW fridge... just THREE WEEKS out of warranty. And it is DEAD. Won't cool anything... won't stop beeping... I was able to get the manufacturer to cover the service and repair it under warranty; HOWEVER, they aren't even coming for the service call until Tuesday (and then who knows how long till the parts come in)... What in the WORLD? What is up with us? We just have the WORST luck ever and I can't figure it out! This fridge is new and in 13 months it has NEVER caused us even ONE problem... Yet now... right NOW with John still unable to drive, my "layoff" from freelancing starting to squeeze us, and my schedule so full I have NO wiggle room... NOW I get to figure out how to CHEAPLY feed a family of 7 without a refrigerator. The timing on this couldn't be worse and I just want to know WHEN? God WHEN will you step in and help me out????

I have been crying much of the day.. this may seem like just a stupid refrigerator but I am TIRED and WEARY and fed up with being the poster child for Trials R Us!

I have been trying for the past month to weather this with grace and godliness. I haven't fretted or worried... I keep trusting that God is going to figure this out... that He will make a way when there seems to be no way, but I am DONE now... I can't keep believing that everything is going to be "okay" when quite CLEARLY it is not.  I know in my head that He is not late, but right now I feel like God has forgotten me.... like He doesn't remember that I already have a HEAVY load on my shoulders and I don't need anymore burdens to carry. I know that's not right but I also know that is what I feel. Defeated... Discouraged... Hopeless...

I want to believe that He's gonna rescue us but I'm just not sure I can.

So what do you do when it feels like God is late?  On the way into town today, I just kept chanting to myself, "I love God. I love God. I love God." I couldn't make it past that... One thing I know is I LOVE GOD... I suppose nothing else matters much.

I think often of that scene in Facing the Giants when the coach's wife is struggling with her infertility issues and she keeps saying, "I will still love you, God." I am SO there.... I am at the end of me... my hopes and dreams lie dashed on the rocks, but I WILL still love Him... no matter what.