Like a bad, bad dream....

[I apologize in advance.  I will NOT be proofreading this blog.  I am typing it as fast as my fingers can fly so that you all know how to pray and then I am GOING TO BED.]

It was all so surreal... I had JUST gotten off the phone with John.  He was having a busy day trying to fix a pump or something or other, and I was having a crazy day of dealing with temper tantrums.  I hung up and got the kids in gear for a quick trip to the library.  They were standing there with books in hand when my phone rang.  It was John calling me back.  Only when I answered it was not John on the other line.

"Is this John's wife?"  the voice asked.

"Yes.  This is Jami."  I replied.

"This is Keith.  I work with John.  Something is not right with him.  He said it feels like when he had that stroke thing.  Public Safety is on their way here."  He reported.

My head started swimming.  I didn't even know which thought to land on.  I can't do this again.  Stroke like symptoms what does that mean.  I can't do this again.  Should I get to the city.  I can't do this again.  What is going ON!?!?!?

In a flurry of activity, I called the neurosurgeon, called my mom, and returned the call to John.  Public Safety answered his phone and reported that the fire department had been called and paramedics were on their way.  After hanging up, with the children getting in the minivan, I stood in my living room starting to hyperventilate a little.  I can't do this again!  I can't do this again!  I can't do this AGAIN!

The adrenaline kicked in and my mind started flying.  I have a dog now what in the heck am I supposed to do?  It's going to take FOREVER to get to Milwaukee.  The library's going to send back the books I had on hold.  Rational and irrational thoughts abounded.  I went to ask the neighbors to let Kiah out.  I couldn't stop bawling the whole time I was talking to them.  I said goodbye to my aunt (through my tears) and agreed to call her as soon as I knew anything.  I climbed in the car and started driving.

I called about a jillion people on my way into town... I had to try to arrange help with the children without either of my sisters, my father, or my mother available.  ARGH!  Finally taking charge because I was not making decisions, Amanda left work and told me she was meeting me at the hospital.  I arrived at Mt. Sinai.  (Do you know where Mt. Sinai is??? It is NOT in a good part of town!!!  I asked the receptionist if she thought it would be okay for the children to wait for me in the waiting room while I went back by John.  She said, "I wouldn't leave them there.  We get some ODD people in here."  Alrighty then... coming with me... that's what they are doing.)  We got to John and he was "off."  Speech was slow.  Left side weak, numb and tingling.  I could just TELL he was not right.  Mt. Sinai contacted Dr. Ahuja who told them to IMMEDIATELY transport John to St. Luke's.  Another ambulance ride, another flurry of calls, and a few tears later I arrived in the Neuro ICU.  It was queer and strange like stepping back in time.  In the weirdest of all coincidences the nurses who were the first two nurses to treat John after brain surgery were BOTH on duty and BOTH helping John when I walked in.  The aide on duty was also the same, and later in the evening I ran into Sarah Prusinski a former student of mine from HCS.  She is a nurse on that unit now.

They immediately whisked John away for another CT.  Jane, Dr. Ahuja's nurse, accompanied us and explained the procedure... blah blah blah to see if he's had a stroke and blah blah blah to make sure his brain is getting enough oxygen.... blah blah blah or it might be his Chiari Malformation is causing a problem.... blah blah blah bulging discs blah blah pinched nerve....  BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!  The pointed me to a waiting room and left me alone while John went into the imaging room.  Finally finding a little privacy, I just let the tears wash down my face.  What am I doing here?  How did this happen again?  We were just coasting along thinking the worst thing was two days off work now and again and then WHAM!  What in the world is this and how in the WORLD will I make it through MORE?

The nurse finally returned to report that they had ruled out a stroke which was VERY good and was apparently the reason for all the fuss and rush and blaring ambulance lights.  We slowly and calmly returned to the Neuro ICU.  Erin (our beloved nurse from last time) tried to get John comfortable and set up; however, by now he was approaching MASSIVE amounts of pain because he had missed his afternoon meds.  His neck muscles were tightening and his headache crescendoed.  At some point Amanda arrived.  (She had taken the kids from Sinai to get food and then go to my mom's.)  Meds were ordered.  An MRI was prescribed for tomorrow morning (a fact that really bothered John because that lunatic actually thought he was going home with me tonight!)  All sorts of activity finally settled down and Amanda left to get us dinner.

After eating and taking meds, John promptly fell asleep.  I waited and waited for Dr. Ahuja to arrive.  Turns out he was stuck in surgery.  Finally at 9 p.m. I left to go get the kids and return home.  After the grueling one hour trip home, I arrived to find my doggie WIGGING out!  I grabbed her collar and rushed her out towards the leash.  My flip flops hit the frost on the deck and my feet FLEW out from under me.  THUD!  My head connected with the boards of the deck before any other part of my body did.  Pain EXPLODED through my skull and somehow keeping a firm grasp on Kiah's collar, I just laid there staring up at the stars sobbing.  My HEAD hurt!  My husband was in the ICU!  This day SUCKED and I just wanted to crawl into someone's arms and cry.... yet I was the only viable adult in this crazy house tonight.  I triumphed over the urge to just lie there crying until my tears froze to my face.  I struggled to my side, hooked Kiah to the leash, and let Noah help me up.

My head is STILL throbbing.  I need to figure out what to do tomorrow.  I made all these plans for the kids so that I could be at the hospital, but they are contingent upon me leaving the house by 7:30 a.m.  and that is NOT going to happen.  Not sure what will become of tomorrow....  All I know is this... as much as this day socked me in the gut and left me lying on my back head, heart and soul throbbing, my God is STILL on the throne.  He is STILL in control.  And He is STILL good, right, just and true!

As I drove home tonight it was like K-love had a playlist entitled "Encourage Jami through her SECOND bout with her husband's brain issues."  Song after song fed my soul.  I belted out praise with one hand on the wheel and one in the air.  I do NOT feel that I can make it through this whole, awful scenario again, but I serve a God who can move mountains so I trust my soul and not my feelings.

Please, please, please people of God, get to praying.  Please pray that the doctors will figure out (and TELL US) what is going on with John.  Please pray that the strength will return to John's left side and that they will get his pain under control.  And please please pray for this frail servant of God with a soul of steel.  I do not FEEL that I can do this again but I KNOW with God's help and your prayers I can walk through ANYTHING.

Thanks in advance for your prayers!
Jami