Pt 2: Christmas Day

 So after the hap, hap, happiest Christmas Eve in the world, we awoke Christmas Day morning ready for tons of F.F.F. (Forced Family Fun). All four children were dragged out of bed and tossed into coats and boots for the early a.m. trip to Oma & Poppa's for breakfast and presents. When Hannah awoke (with her hair trapped in the bend of Eli's elbow) she was complaining that she had an owie, and she kept grabbing her hip. We babied her by carrying her from place to place and hoping that it was just a bad charlie horse. But she did look oh so pathetic when she tried to walk holding her hip and dragging her leg behind her.

Shortly after we arrived, who do you think came up the walk? Santa! The rest was a blur of yummy dishes, a flurry of wrapping paper scraps and more presents than you can imagine. We had our first ever Cousins Christmas Concert. [Oma is teaching all of the cousins piano, and Christmas morning was their first ever recital.] It went VERY well. Somewhere in the middle of the adult's white elephant gift exchange, John disappeared. We all kept calling for him, and I was pretty sure he was in the bathroom as he had been there many times before, but he wasn't telling me what was up.

As soon as we finished presents, he called me upstairs to the bathroom he was in. I found him slumped over on the ground writhing in pain. He said, "I need to go to the emergency room." That's when my terror began. My husband NEVER wants to go to the emergency room. It was all quite a bit of deja vu from the second kidney stone experience; however, he kept saying this doesn't feel the same; it's not a kidney stone. I rushed downstairs to make some preparations: Cori....can you be point man for the kids? Mom...can I borrow a car so I can leave the minivan for the kids to ride in? Then back upstairs to get him. John couldn't stand upright so he just sorta crawled/rolled down the stairs. My mom kept saying, "We should call an ambulance." But I really didn't want to incur the cost of an ambulance when I was pretty sure I could get him to the hospital. Everyone kept saying go to that new hospital in Franklin....it's so close! So we headed south on 27th to the new one. On the way there I started to cry. The sounds of John's screams and his writhing around was really getting to me. It is very hard to see someone you love in that much pain, but even harder when you see someone who is typically so strong and tough whimpering and crying.

As we pulled into the hospital, I got this TERRIBLE feeling in my gut as I realized I was 99% sure that Wheaton Franciscan facilities were NOT covered under our insurance. By that time, however, it was WAY too late to go anywhere else. He had hardly made it the 5 miles to this place. He would have NEVER made it the nearly 10 to St. Luke's. So trying not to freak out about the fact that we would most likely be paying this visit completely out of pocket, I pulled up to the ER door and stopped. I ran for a wheelchair as John tumbled out of the car onto his hands and knees. My brother-in-law had followed us there so he helped me load John into the wheelchair and then he parked the vehicles. The hospital personnel rushed out as soon as we entered the waiting room, and they whisked him back. I went to check on Shawn and get the keys from him, and then went back to the room they put John in. He was still writhing and screaming. I was trying to help give the doctor (who was NOT a nice man) his health history and the symptoms he was having and trying not to cry because I was really scared. The thought did flicker through my head, "Ohmigosh! What if he dies on Christmas Day?" But I pushed that thought away as fast as I could. I was holding his hand and whispering prayers in his ear. Within a little while, they had him on an IV and finally on some morphine and anti-nausea medicine. As the pain subsided, we fell back into the calm routine we had practiced a couple of times earlier this year: turn on the t.v.; notify the fam we are ok and the pain is being managed; start to joke about how in the heck we're going to pay for this out-of network visit (we have NO coverage out-of-network). After a little under 2 hours, we got the news: 2 mm kidney stone, almost to the opening of the bladder. Here's some Flomax, Percoset and 2 different anti-nausea medicines. Contact your urologist ASAP. So we headed out of the hospital. Our Christmas lunch plans at my mother-in-laws ruined. We started altering our plans for the day. Dropped the prescriptions at Walgreen's and returned home to the children who were very glad to see their daddy walking again.

It seems if your last name is Kastner there always has to be drama. I left the kids (except for Hannah) at my parents with John and headed home for a quick shower. Pulling into the driveway (which had not yet been shoveled from the snow we got on Christmas Eve....to find out why refer to Pt 1: Christmas Eve) I realized my mistake a little too late. I was stuck in the snow. I hopped out of the van still in my pjs from Christmas breakfast and proceeded to shovel myself out of the driveway. By the time I made it into the house with Hannah in my arms, she was whining and crying again about her hip hurting. So I let her go first and put her in a hot bath followed by some ibuprofen. The hot water seemed to loosen up her cramp a little and the ibuprofen made her limp less. I jumped in the shower and finished to find texts and missed calls and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Christmas dinner was in 15 minutes!

Hannah and I got back to my mom's after dinner had already started. We ate a little and then watched the final version of the Cousins Christmas Concert (complete with a LAME re-enactment of Do You Hear What I Hear by the (now completely adult) children of Kathi Haugh. [Isn't Forced Family Fun great????] As we lounged around nearly comatose from our stressful and exhausting day, I realized that I had only had one cup of coffee all day and I still had to make it through a trip to my mother-in-laws. Well Dad only had cold coffee I could microwave to offer (I can't do that microwaved coffee thing). As we drove to my mother-in-laws it was seriously like the end of the world. Not a THING was open. Every single store we passed (except Hooters of course) had no lights on inside. I couldn't find a cup of coffee to save my life. And to make matters better, my mother-in-law only has decaf... so there was no relief there.

We arrived at Gramma Joan's and spent a little time there. The whole time I was sure I would pass out from exhaustion. The exhausting trip going to pull up the van then carrying Hannah while John was leaning on me across the ice to the car was successfully completed and we were finally on our way home.

Once home we just collapsed on the couch hardly moving and vegged out to a House marathon....

This Christmas was one of the most eventful and NOT storybook I have ever in my life had; however, it was not less magnificent than any of the others. As I sat there exhausted and ready to collapse, I realized that I still had this odd sense of contentment and happiness. In spite of everything, I felt blessed to have beautiful, sweet, kind children who were spoiled to the gills with great Christmas presents. I praised God that it was just another kidney stone, and that I came home with my slightly ailing husband, instead of having to leave him at the hospital (or worse). I realized that even when Christmas doesn't go according to the images we keep in our head, it is still Christmas. It is still a blessed time to remember the things that are most important, family, friends, and most of all a savior who came to earth as a child to make a way for us to all go to Heaven. That's what Christmas is about...whether it includes hospital visits and snowy driveways or perfectly sung carols around a cozy fire.

Pt 1: Christmas Eve (NOT for faint of heart or weak of stomach)

 Ok.... so consider yourself warned, this blog contains some graphic stuff.

It has been an odd Christmas for the Kastners.....not necessarily TERRIBLE... just not the picture perfect kinda stuff you imagine. This first part of the craziness happened on Christmas Eve.....

I awoke on Christmas Eve to tons of snow coming down. This was not really a welcome sight for me because I had a rare and treasured hair appointment scheduled. As the mother of 4 who homeschools, works from home, and organizes a youth ministry, I don't often get time for frivolous things such as haircuts. My hubby got me a giftcard to the beauty school and demanded I use it BEFORE Christmas. Well.... it was snowing so I called the beauty school... yups they were staying open. Hooray! So I got to work on the mountain of laundry and way too many Christmas gifts still to make so I could get some done before my appointment.

I was not too thrilled with my spoiling hubby because the night before he stayed out too late after work with some of the guys he works with. Now I'm not one to begrudge him some recreational time; HOWEVER, we are not younguns and 3 a.m. is just a bit too late for a 42-year old. Especially one who works 2 full-time jobs and gets absolutely no sleep. Not to mention for about 2 days we had been suspecting that he might be about to pass another kidney stone.

So he was already on his first "nap" of the day at 10:30... the time I needed to leave. I asked him if I should cancel my appointment but he assured me he'd be fine to watch the kids. I wasn't convinced. I headed out for a little pampering, stopping along the way to get some Starbucks (compliments of my gift card from Elise).... well I guess because I have not had my hair professionally colored in at least 15 years, I didn't realize that I would be sitting in that chair for 3 1/2 hours by the time I was done having my hair cut and colored and my eyebrows waxed. My butt hurt. I was bored. I had TONS to do at home, and I was wasting time in this pampering chair of torture. Oh, and I was NOT at ALL confident that John was watching the kids at all. The texts I was receiving from home were alarming me, and then I got confirmation.... Sarah and Elise stopped over and then stayed to watch the kids as John was on his second nap of the day. You are an OLD man! You cannot go out with the guys after work! Not when work ends at midnight!!!!

So my hair turned out great but not my eyebrows (bald patch in one spot, stray hairs left behind in another) and she was NOT the best Vici student I have ever had. She did NOT do that cool scalp massage thing they are supposed to do when they wash your hair, and she did a CRAPPY job of styling my hair. Whatevs... the color is what I wanted (actually better than I had imagined) and the cut is GREAT so I'll deal.

So I rushed through Pick N Save now opting for a quick warm and heat dinner instead of a fancy homemade slow cooked one. I returned home to a GLORIOUSLY cleaned home. I was expecting to meet total chaos, but Sarah and Elise had been busy little beavers and my house looked great! Turns out they used cleaning as an escape mechanism to get away from my children who were behaving TERRIBLY. Whatever you have to do man, my house is clean!

I bought the kids some plain gingerbread men at the bakery for them to decorate, but then I knocked them off the stove and they had to instead start with surgery to reattach all the gingerbread amputations and even one decapitation. Whatever the more frosting to reattach a limb the better that gingerbread tastes!

Finally, I returned to burning my homemade DVD's and printing out the family calendars that it is my tradition to make for Christmas. Noah and Jeremiah warmed dinner while I did this. I was trying VERY hard to work quickly. My goal was to be in bed before midnight. Well midnight came and went and I was still up. The later it got the worse it got.... (here's where it starts to get graphic so zone out if you are squeamish) I finally gave up my day long search for Hannah's missing party shoe because I needed to search for my niece's missing present. When Hannah went through her present opening frenzy, we hid all the presents. Well Alyssa's AWANA bag got hidden too well (in fact it STILL hasn't turned up). Finally at about 12:30 I decided I had to get to bed, when I realized I didn't print out the stuff for Do You Hear What I Hear? I quickly printed the required materials. I had already thrown my jeans down the stairs cuz they were dirty. So now I was working in just my underwear and a t-shirt (this is an essential fact for this story.... I promise).... After printing the materials I needed, I went to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair to sit at the table and write a few things down. As my butt hit the chair (remember I'm only wearing underwear) I realized there was a puddle on the chair. (Last warning if you are squeamish turn back NOW!) As I jumped back to my feet all sorts of random facts started flying into my mind.... weren't those Hannah's underwear under the chair? wait didn't she disrobe for a naked run just before bed? puddle... what is this a puddle of? without thinking enough, I stuck my finger into the puddle and put the finger to my nose to smell.... YUPS you've I'm sure deduced it already: PEE! I sat (wearing only my underwear) in a puddle of Hannah's pee! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I cannot BEGIN to describe to you my revulsion as I stood there with my daughter's pee running down my leg and my own underpants soaked exactly as if I were the one who had peed my pants. I wanted to scream and cry... this is CHRISTMAS! I'm supposed to be in bed dreaming of sugar plum fairies not standing in my kitchen, exhausted from hours of making and searching for presents, with my daughter's pee running down my leg. This is NOT Merry!

I felt like I was in Christmas Vacation 2.... I wanted to shout: Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny flipping Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white butt down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of idiots this side of the nuthouse. (Clark Griswold...Christmas Vacation.... yes I did change some of the text to make it PG enough for this blog)

But I wasn't. This was my real life and I had a choice to make.... so I chose to do what the mom has to do... I started laughing.... then I went upstairs to share my hysterical story with my already half asleep husband.... then I planned to blog this humiliating, disgusting story for all of your enjoyment, because it fits perfectly into my world view: if I must suffer through something hopefully at least someone else will get some joy out of it.... a good laugh, a little encouragement, or at least a "WOW! am I glad I didn't sit in a puddle of pee wearing only my underwear on Christmas Eve night!"

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night....stay tuned for more Christmas Day excitement.

Florida Trip Installment 6 -- the End of the Road

So we hightailed it out of St. Petersburg immediately after our 7-11 Thanksgiving Dinner. But not before Jeremiah had one more comment... As Auntie Marge tucked us into our minivan to send us on our way, Jeremiah said, "Auntie Marge I just have one more question for you. Why do you keep your house so hot???" SERIOUSLY funny!

We weren't driving that great that night. We were both very tired and couldn't take very long turns at driving. We only made it barely to Georgia before we stopped for the night in a Holiday Inn. We just cleaned up and went to bed. Early the next morning we both were awake so we dressed the kids while they were half-asleep and loaded them into the car to return to the road. That day...it was NOT a good experience... the kids were done being in the car and were a little sick of each other. We kept having these odd experiences: gas pumps down, credit card machines down, clocks set to the wrong time.... My mom started educating me on how the world was probably coming to an end...something about electromagnet pulses, the economy, and Barack Obama being elected President. I was actually starting to get a little creeped out... it was Black Friday. Maybe the rapid influx of purchases was creating a sonic electromagnet boom that was going to knock out all communication. We'd be stuck 700 miles from our loved ones, unable to purchase gas or a hotel or food, with no ability to contact them. Every apocalyptic movie I have ever seen was running through my head: we'd be walking to Franklin... carrying the children on our backs (crap! why'd I let people talk me into leaving my stroller at home and renting one at Disney?!?!?) we'd have to kill rodents along the way to feed ourselves and drink our own pee (AHHHHHHHH how many times could you drink it before it wasn't sterile anymore?) I was seriously starting to lose my mind. It was just about this time that the noise from the backseat reached an all-time high and the children started lunging out of their seatbelts at one another. We pulled off at the next exit and PRAISE BE TO GOD there was a McDonald's WITH A PLAYLAND!

Since the car was becoming such a pigsty, I didn't make anyone find their shoes in order to go into McDonald's only Noah had his on. Well even this stop wasn't without drama: the "Cash Only" written on a piece of paper and stuck at one of the registers revitalized the end of the world worries, I took Hannah to the bathroom and as she was sitting on the toilet she didn't lean forward enough and she started peeing all over her pants and training pants. Well thank goodness I decided not to fight her when she wanted to drag her pjs into McDonald's with her. I just put her pj pants on her. I thought... I have to remember to put training pants on her before we start driving again [famous last words...okay thoughts]. We hung at the playland for about 30 minutes letting the kids burn some steam off.

Then we returned to the car and headed out on the road about 30 to 40 minutes later, Hannah said, "Momma I peed," and I realized.... yep you guessed it.... I forgot to put the training pants on her. So we got off, stripped her down, removed the liner from her car seat, put training pants on her....while this was going on I told Noah and Elijah (who had to pee too) to go in to use the bathroom with Oma. I said get your shoes on...the look on Noah's face said it all. I said to him, "You left your shoes at the playland didn't you?" Yep he did... those were the only shoes he had with him, and he left them at a playland, and we were NOT driving back 40 minutes to get them. C'est la vie.

What else happened on that fateful trip??? I don't really recall.... but here was the final frontier of insanity. Somewhere in Kentucky, Hannah's little will gave up. She just started crying and wailing about being in the car (in retrospect it was poor planning to drive only 4 hours the first day and 16 the second). We switched drivers so I could lie across the back and be near Hannah. She fell asleep but every now and then she would wake slightly and start crying again. It was heartbreaking and pitiful. As we neared Chicago, we had the finish line in sight, but we got a little cocky. Wanda (our GPS...mom named her Wanda "so we don't have to wonder while we Wanda") told us to go through Chicago. Mom said, "Wouldn't it be better to go around Chicago?" I was too tired and worn out to form many thoughts and could not come up with a decision. I said, "Whatever you think." But then somehow we ended up going through the iPass lane of the toll booth (we don't have an iPass!), and I started freaking out. In the confusion, we started listening to Wanda again...she was desperately trying to get us back on the route she felt was best. Long story short, we ended up in Chicago (not on the freeway traveling THROUGH Chicago), but IN the actual city at about 10 p.m. on a Friday night. Yippee! Finally Wanda forced us back onto the way through Chicago; we'd added about 30 minutes to our time and every cell in my body was literally SCREAMING to be home. The texts were flying back and forth: dad to me; me to Cori (who was at mom & dad's house); John to me; Gorski (who was secretly awaiting my return at my house) to me; I was getting whiplash!

Finally we arrived at our home at about 11:30 p.m....I was rudely assaulted by snow and freezing cold the second I stepped out of the van. I carried a sleeping child in and found my house completely transformed...John had spent his entire holiday cleaning the house, carpets and all.... Sarah had baked a cake and cookies... it was an amazing welcome home. But best of all, we were HOME, and we were out of the car.

End of trip story.

Florida Trip Installment 4 -- Just Beachy

For me the absolutely best thing about warm weather, Florida, summer is basking in the sun.... we got A LOT of that during this trip. Our very first day in St. Petersburg was the warmest day of the week. I think we got up to 75 degrees that day. It was sunny without a cloud in the clear blue sky and GORGEOUS!

After breakfast and a few errands, we stumbled upon this great little place called The Caddy Shack. It was this little beachfront restaurant. If you paid $5 to park in their lot, you could spend the whole day hanging out at their beach property. If you patronized their establishment you got your $5 from parking off your bill. They even offered complimentary beach chairs to lounge on. It was a tiny slice of heaven.

We spent that clear, beautiful, amazing day with our feet dug into the sand and the sun beating down on us. Oma buried the kids in the sand up to their necks. Jeremiah took a VERY keen liking to the surf and ventured out far enough to make even the pretty brave momma nervous. Noah (who had SWORN he was not going in the water because he didn't want to get eaten by a shark) quickly threw his worries aside and dove into the surf. The kids collected shells and played in the sand and swam and swam and swam. We had an INCREDIBLE day!

Finally we sampled the Caddy Shack's cuisine....it was palatable...but the funny part was after our meal.... I hadn't really paid much mind to the seagulls flying about. (After the fact, I realized they were circling us like vultures around a carcass.) We had hardly finished our meal. In fact, in true Kastner fashion the kids had merely finished phase 1 of their meal and were taking their typical Kastner break to run about, do some Ninja moves, and spread the mess of their eating around a bit...when all of a sudden the seagulls started dive bombing our table! I swear! I was scared one of my children would be picked up and carried away. I had just said, "Are you guys done with this stuff?" before the attack began so then I quickly changed it to, "Well now you are done with this because you're not eating it after those germy birds picked at it. It was hysterical! (and maybe a little frightening).

We wanted to do some shopping along the little shoppy/boardwalk area. My Aunt didn't want to come along so we left her sitting in the car to "people watch." We weren't in this cool little surf shop but 15 minutes when my mom said, "Auntie Marge is on the loose!" She took off to go track her down as she was marching up and down the streets. By the time my mom reached her, Auntie Marge was fit to be tied! She was scolding my mom and saying, "You've been gone so long! I got tired of waiting!" (seriously and truly we weren't gone more than 20 minutes TOPS).... then she got angry with my mom because we weren't in the store she thought we should have gone in. We quickly returned to our vans (we were in two separate ones) and started the trip back to her house. All the way my Aunt scolded my mom for leaving her so long, driving too fast, not turning wide enough, going in the wrong store, EVERYTHING.... my poor mother was about to pull her hair out.

So as we left the Treasure Island area, Noah had to pee, and we were running out of gas. We stopped to fill up and let Noah empty out.... My mom walked Noah into the gas station to go to the bathroom. It was an older gas station with the bathroom access outside of the building, so the man handed my mother a key...attached to the key (so that no one would walk off with it) was an empty water bottle. Noah's eyes grew wide at the sight of it. So they left the station and traveled around the building to the bathroom. Noah started telling my mom, "I don't have to go anymore. I don't have to go anymore." They arrived at the door to the bathroom, and my mom pulled it open and thought, "No way! He is NOT going to pee in there." It was filthy with rusty pipes and a horrible toilet. Noah said, "They have a toilet!" and proceeded to take care of his business in that disgusting place. It seems he thought they didn't have a bathroom so he was going to have to pee in that tiny empty water bottle... we about peed our pants laughing.

We took two more trips to the beach during our Florida experience. The next one was at sunset the evening we returned from Orlando. It was amazing, beautiful, incredible and memorable. Noah wanted to see the sunset on the beach. We looked up when the sun would set in St. Petersburg from Orlando, and then we HIGHTAILED it out of there to get to the beach in time. We arrived just as the sun was setting into the water. It was amazing, and we got TONS of great pictures. I love moments like that. Where you can just sit there and marvel over the God we serve Who made that water and this beach and that sun that's setting into that water. And He didn't care just enough to give us the sun for warmth and the water for sustenance.... He cared enough to make those things beautiful as well. So that we could not only appreciate the benefits of them, but we could also be blessed by the beauty of them too.

Sunset on the Beach

Our final day at the beach was on Thanksgiving Day. I do feel a bit as if I missed Thanksgiving this year, but I wouldn't trade my nontraditional Thanksgiving for anything in the world. The weather was a bit cooler that day.... 65 I think. But on the beach it felt much warmer. The kids even swam in water so cold I felt like I couldn't even let it wash over my feet! We paid a RIDICULOUS amount of money for some sand toys, and they just built sand castles and used sand molds and ran in and out of the surf filling buckets of water....it was HEAVENLY!

For Thanksgiving "dinner" we patronized the only establishment open in that little beach town: 7-11. My mom & Aunt drove over and came back with a few salads, some Lunchables, two bags of chips, some cookies, and some sodas. It was the best food I'd ever tasted ;) That Thanksgiving Day and it's sand, sun, surf, and convenience store food will go down in my memory as one of my best!

Florida Trip Installment 5 -- Recovering from Disney World

So Wednesday we just slept in at the Hyatt... repacked our bags... took a shower... just lollygagging around and taking our time until I realized it was 11:40 (check out was noon), and I hadn't gotten in the shower yet...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Then the mania began: I hopped in the shower all the time barking packing orders at the kids. It was craziness, but we got out of there by 11:54!

We went to the van, and as I was loading the stuff in the car, my mom was playing Simon Says with the kids. Then she let each of them take a turn being Simon. When it was Jeremiah's turn to be Simon, he said, "Simon says push each other." Before my mother could scream, "No!" Noah pushed Elijah down into the grass. Elijah stood up, and he was covered in red ants! Yep! No lie! So there I was in the middle of packing the van, and I had to stop to strip Elijah's clothes off and brush all the ants off of him. Then I had to rifle through the neatly packed suitcases to find new clothes for him and go into the Hyatt to get a plastic bag to confine the rest of the ants to his clothing instead of giving them free reign in our minivan.

So phew onto the next escapade. We went to pick up Jeff and headed over to have lunch at Olive Garden. When we got there, and I tried to get Hannah out of the van I realized she was barefoot. I searched the car to no avail and could not find her shoes that "Buzz Lightyear gave her." I had a very bad feeling they were gone-gone. I found the number for the Hyatt we had just checked out of. I called, and the lady at the front desk put me on hold and went out into the parking lot. Sure enough right next to where our van was parked she found our Disney shoes. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I carried Hannah into Olive Garden barefoot. The Olive Garden experience wasn't too bad, although the Kastner children aren't really the type of children who do well in a sit-down restaurant. We had a really nice waiter...in fact at the end of our meal, the kids ran up to him and hugged him for being such a good waiter :) 

Hugging the Olive Garden Waiter

We left Olive Garden and headed back to the Hyatt to get Hannah's shoes. I had been at a nearby Walgreen's the night before and had found TONS of Disney souvenirs for MUCH cheaper than you'd get them at Disney World. So we headed over to that Walgreen's. I went in and did my shopping; then my mom went after me (so that we didn't have to take the kids in). While my mom was shopping there was a little excitement, an older couple parked in the parking lot called 911. An ambulance and fire engine came and took the woman away. My mom ended up kinda irritated because I paid 3 for $12 on some small towels and 2 for $15 on these HUGE ones. The cashier screwed up and charged my mom $15 each for the puny ones. <sorry mom>

We headed back to Jeff's to check out his place and pick up my laundry. He googled when the sun would be setting in St. Petersburg, and we hightailed it out of there to get to the beach by sunset. Even hitting rush hour traffic along the way, we got there in time. Yippee!

Florida Trip Installment 3 -- Disney World!

So we hightailed it out of my Aunt's scary residence in the armpit of Satan very quickly Monday night. We arrived in Orlando at about 8 o' clock and preceded to immediately shower and bathe off the filth of our trip and last night's sleeping quarters. Now I'd like to take a quick rabbit trail here to explain how much this trip was blessed by God... first of all for the Kastners it was completely funded by Oma so that was great, but then after Oma decided to fund this amazing trip God just kept blessing and blessing her by lowering the price more and more. First of all, when we started planning this trip, gas prices were around $4.00 per gallon. We did not pay more than $1.89 per gallon once on the trip. I think our lowest price found was about $1.59! Next, we were able to get 3 of the 5 of our paid admissions into Disney World free because of our amazing friend Jeff, and mom had a gift card from her anniversary party...the entire cost of getting us into Disney $54! My mom used free hotel certificates, and we stayed in the Hyatt in Orlando for two nights... her entire bill $12.00 for the movie we rented. It was really truly amazing.... so Monday night we arrived back in the lap of luxury....staying at the Hyatt which is located directly across the street from Universal Studios. Tuesday we arose early and left for the Magic Kingdom. We seriously almost closed the place out....me, my mother, and four children at Disney from 9 a.m. to 10:30 p.m. EXHAUSTING, exhilarating, memorable, amazing!

We hit tons of rides....(a few notables)

1. very first ride was Lilo and Stitch's something or other.... my mom took Elijah, Jeremiah, and Noah.... I stayed off with Hannah because she was too short. Well it seemed to take FOREVER before they were done, and when they finally came off, Elijah was HYSTERICAL and almost inconsolable.... apparently that ride is a little scary

2. teacups....they just aren't what they were when you were little.... I really and truly thought I would vomit on that ride

3. someone and someone's race car ride.... Noah and Jeremiah ADORED the chance to drive on this ride....

4. Space Mountain.... OHMIGOSH! why didn't someone warn me???? I HATED this ride. Thought I would but was busy showing my support and love for my 9 year old. I had this pained terrified look on my face most of the time, but then I kept thinking, "Crap what if this is one of those rides where they snap your picture during it?" So I kept trying to make my face look normal... wasn't working. At some point I thought, "Wow! I'm going to be that person who pukes and spews their vomit all over everyone behind her!" But thankfully I didn't. Noah did not really enjoy it either. He was pretty proud that he made it through but NOT at all interested in going again. Throughout the whole ride I could hear him saying, "I'm scared. I'm scared." After the ride he said, "Mom, you know what I did on that ride?" I said, "What?" He said, "When I was scared, I just prayed and told Jesus, 'I'm scared. I'm scared'." Very precious.

5. It's a Small World was as amazing as I always remembered.

6. Buzz Lightyear's ride was actually my favorite. Noah wanted to ride it again, but Jeremiah and Elijah did not. So Oma took Noah and Hannah for a second turn. When they came off the ride, my mom called to tell me Hannah had lost her shoe on the ride. She said I should come meet them at the front. As I walked up, I could see my mom talking to a security guard or something. I thought the security guard was giving instructions as to when we could come back and see if the shoe had been found. I was thinking, "Please, it is a little $9 Walmart tennis shoe. We will live without it." You know what that security guard was doing??? She was writing Hannah a coupon for a free pair of shoes in the gift store. We walked over there and picked out a pink and purple pair of Crocs (real, live, name-brand Crocs) with Mickey Mouse shaped holes....the price tag was $39 or something.... Hannah got them for FREE because, as she kept telling the gift shop employee, "Buzz Lightyear stole my shoe." It was then that I realized I have been missing out on a HUGE source of revenue....I could be using this blond haired adorable little money maker to hustle thousands out of people.... (I didn't say it would be a legal or moral money maker).... people were running around saying, "Don't worry Princess. We'll get you new shoes." And she just played them like a fiddle, "Buzz Lightyear stole my shoe!" (said with beautiful ruby lips appropriately pouted). She was unbelievable.

We also caught 2 parades and the fireworks over Cinderella's Castle (that was what Momma came for!). The looks on the faces of my children as those glorious fireworks exploded of Cinderella's royal abode was the most amazing part.

We returned to the Hyatt with our feet sore, completely depleted, exhausted, and completely and thoroughly agreeing that Disney World is Where Dreams Come True.

Florida Trip Installment 2 - Arriving at Auntie Marge's

Okay so I have SO much to blog about still! Our trip was non-stop, not a second to breathe....it was amazing, over-the-top, INTENSE! Every single thing we experienced was "the most"....if it was a funny moment it was HILARIOUS, if it was a scary moment it was TERRIFYING, every single experience was just the most intense it could be.... I wanted so badly to journal or blog about all of the things while they were happening so they were still fresh in my mind, but I literally had NO time to do so. Therefore, here we go...memories a little dimmed by time, but still hopefully fresh enough to record them for posterity.

So.... the whole inspiration for this trip to Florida was my Great Aunt Marge. My mom had not seen her in several years, and I had not seen her for even longer. She (and a company shutdown for the Thanksgiving holiday) was what led my mother to dream up this fantastic vacation. 

During the drive to Florida, my mom had asked me, "Do you think the kids will be scared of Auntie Marge?" 

I had said, "I'm sure initially they will be shy because she is someone new to them, but they will most likely recover quickly and be just fine." 

Well that is kinda how it happened, but in a HILARIOUS fashion.

To put it mildly, my Aunt does not live in the best neighborhood. So after being stuck in several miles of bumper-to-bumper traffic which resulted from the highway being down to one lane after a rollover accident, we arrived in her not so great part of town well after dark (around 8 p.m.)....the drug dealers on the corner had already taken their posts for the night, and things were looking appropriately scary. In order to park, you approach her house from the back alley (which is even scarier than the front of the house). We had parked the car, and my mom and the other children headed for the back of her house while I tried to wake Elijah and get him out of the van. By the time I got to the house, I had heard my mother shout, "Hello" about 7 times.... 

When I got to them, she said, "The back door was open, and she's not answering." 

The house was pitch black, and my mother was letting Noah go in first! I was thinking, What the heck! Anything could be going on in there.... a home invasion, a robbery. She could have had a heart attack, and Noah would have walked in and found her dead body lying on the ground. I grabbed Noah and said, "Get out of there! You are not going in first!"

So I stepped into the pitch black hallway (does everyone know how TERRIFIED I am of the dark? does everyone know that I had to stop watching CSI, Law & Order, and Without a Trace so I would stop seeing chalk drawings and children disappearing everywhere I looked???) So here I am NOT at all brave, walking into her PITCH black house in an unsafe neighborhood.... 

Now I am the one shouting, "Hello... Hello..." I get into the kitchen and out of the pitch black living room she emerges into the light (she has lost a TON of weight and is 87 years old.... to Hannah's credit she did look slightly alarming).... Hannah caught one look of her and started SCREAMING this blood curdling, terrified, high pitched at the top of her lungs SCREAMING.... the boys were just frozen in their tracks with petrified looks on their faces.... I think they were as scared as Hannah, but somehow they knew not to scream.... I swooped Hannah into my arms, and she instantly stopped crying.... I don't think my Aunt caught on to the terror of the moment (did I mention age and isolation have made her a little loopy?) my mother had to leave the room because she was laughing so hysterically.... I was trying to hold it together but not doing so great (although better than my mother). But that was not the end of the hilarity...

So now the lights are on... the frightening moment has passed (although not altogether because when the lights came on the realization of how NOT clean the place was started dawning on me).... We start to enter the living room... Jeremiah is first and I hear him say, "Why is it so hot in here?!?!" Well if you know Jeremiah you know he can be a little "obsessive" so saying it once wasn't good enough. He kept repeating it over and over again... "Why is it so hot in here?!?! Why is it so hot in here?!?!" I was still in the kitchen, and I started to say, "Jeremiah, quiet it can't be that...." right before the word bad escaped my lips I entered the living room and was struck by a wall of heat. "Ohmigosh! Why is it so hot in here?!?!" flew into my mind. I swear on everything holy I am not exaggerating, she had the heat set on at least 85... it was like a sauna in there.

The rest of that first night was filled with humor.... the back bedroom (where we were to sleep) had been shut up for God only knows how long and there was dirt and bugs and such all over (please keep in mind....if you've ever been to the Kastner house you know that Jami Kastner is not nearly as OCD as Jami Haugh was.... it is typical to find let's just gently say, "a mess" when you come to visit the Kastners....therefore when I say they house was a mess you can imagine that it was pretty bad.) The roof must have leaked into the living room because there was a huge water stain on the ceiling, and the kids kept looking at it and saying, "What is that on the wall?" I think they were a little scared of it.... It was just creepy and kinda gross and thoroughly HYSTERICAL! When we lay down to sleep that night, I kept trying to tell myself, "Missionaries in the jungle sleep in less than desirable conditions too... if they can, I can." Keep in mind that running through my head was the contrast between sleeping in the lap of luxury the night previous at the Stancils (see Florida Trip Installment 1) and tonight's adventure residing in the armpit of Satan. As we drifted off to sleep, my mother and I intermittently would just start laughing uncontrollably.... we couldn't help ourselves.... it was just TOO funny.

In the middle of the night, I awoke to the sound of a child crying quietly.... I tried to get my bearings... figure out where I was... what that noise was... I finally came to the conclusion that the noise was coming from outside the bedroom window. However, I still sat up to check heads and make sure it wasn't my children making the noise. I wasn't sure what to do.... why was that child crying? did it just sound like it was coming from the vacant lot next door or was it a nearby bedroom? what should I do? I got up from the air mattress I was sleeping on planning to find the phone and dial 911. Every single Law & Order SVU I had ever seen was racing through my head, and my pulse was out of control. All of a sudden I heard a second "child" and then a third.... it was then that I realized I was hearing cats in the vacant lot mewling.... I felt relieved and stupid at the same time. Thank God I didn't call 911.... I can see the headlines now.... Crazy vacationing WI woman calls 911 for stray cats....

What a hysterical, terrifying, filthy, and memorable experience.

Florida Trip Installment 1 -- the Stancils

Okay first a little background..... right after graduating from college, I had my first teaching job at Riverview Christian Academy in Denver, CO. During my second year of teaching there, I lived with a family from our church/school, named the Stancils. Rosalind and Larry had three children: D.J. (13 years old and one of my students)... Gregory (idk... bout 10 I'd guess)... and Jessie (my beautiful little buddy... 5 or 6). I lived in their basement, drove the kids to school each day and was D.J.'s teacher and youth leader. Rosalind is the MOST amazing woman of God you have ever met in your entire life, and I was blessed to live with her and be touched by her zeal for God for an entire year. Well when I left CO to return home to WI, I lost touch with the Stancils. Once Google came along, I started stalking them and trying to track them down. I would search all of their names.... I found they had moved to GA. I found that D.J. was playing semi-pro football (and that he had a decent career in football at West Point). I found a listing for them, but the phone number was unlisted...no e-mail contacts could be found....I couldn't reach them. Randomly over the past few years, I would think to google them again, but nothing ever came of it. Then about 6 months ago due to the amazing and practically perfect networking website, Facebook, I found Jessie Stancil! I was SO excited to reconnect with her and then eventually with her mother. We lamented about how we wished we could get together; however, finances are way too tight for the Kastners, and life is way too busy for the Stancils. The second we started planning this Florida trip, I realized we'd be driving through Atlanta, and I made plans to stop to visit my "brown-skinned side of the family".

So we left WI on Friday night at about 10 p.m. Wanda (my mother's GPS) told us we'd arrive at the Stancils at about 10 a.m. Not so.... Wanda didn't know about the 4 children riding in the back of the vehicle who would have to pee frequently. Nor did she realize that after the first 5 hour stint, the drivers of said vehicle would be way too exhausted to drive anymore than one hour stints the rest of the way.

Well we really arrived at about 3:30 p.m. (I think). Our last conversation with Rosalind went something like this:

Rosalind: Who will be driving?

Jami: I will be driving.

Rosalind: Okay because we live in a gated community, and I have to call in to the guard and tell him your name so he can compare it with your valid driver's license before granting you access.

[Jami & Kathi (to selves) - HOLY CRAP! gated community]

So we finally arrived at the Country Club of the South. Sure enough big security shack blocks the entrance. As soon as we received our security clearance, we drove through the gate and entered a wonderland. Seriously, I have seen big houses... I lived in a pretty nice brand new home... In college I babysat in a VERY affluent community.... but NOTHING in my life had prepared me for this (I promise to post the pictures after I return home). The brick walkways, beautiful paths, and OHMIGOSH look at that HUMONGOUS house! I was seriously and truly awestruck. After we arrived at the Stancils, Rosalind informed us that in their "community" were houses owned by Usher, Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston (pre-divorce), and Jeff Foxworthy. Numerous professional athletes resided here, and their son had a picture of himself with Chili (spelling???) from TLC too. So yeah here we are in our beat up old 2001 Chevy Venture stocked to the gills with dirty little travelers weary from their trip, pulling into Georgia's Bel Air... we felt like country bumpkins in the city for the first time.

Well, that short 18-hour period was one of the most amazing times in my recent history. When we arrived, we were greeted by Larry and then Jessie.... as I got to the front door Rosalind took me in her arms, and we both started tearing up... It was just too good to be true. We entered their grand piano room and started a little bit of introductions while Rosalind passed out presents she had bought my children. It was dreamy and amazing. I took a quick shower to wash of the "road," and then the real catching up began. We talked and talked and talked and talked. Ros made tacos for dinner. One of my former students (Rhonda Moore....now Slaughter) who had been a classmate of D.J.'s and was now coincidentally living in Atlanta as well came for dinner and brought her 19-month old son for us to meet. It was amazing. My children were "themselves" flipping on and running and doing tae kwon do moves amongst the grand piano, pool table, foosball table.... I pulled them aside and started lecturing them about how this was not our house, and they could not act the way they acted at home here when Larry yelled at me and told them to let them be kids... (okay let me state that yelling for Larry is a Jami whisper with a HUGE smile on his face but somehow you know that you HAVE to listen to him and obey)... from then on out, Larry chased the children around the house screaming and playing hide and seek and scaring the pee out of them.

When we arrived, Rosalind showed us around our "quarters" for the night. We had the entire upper level to ourselves... Room for Oma (with an attached bathroom)... Room for the boys with an adjoining attached bathroom to room for Jami and Hannah. WOW!

After dinner and before bed, I took a trip to see D.J.'s condo/loft [rooftop of building overlooks gorgeous site of downtown Atlanta and has a hot tub, party room, fitness room] that he had recently purchased and decorated in an impeccable fashion. Before doing this I put the children to bed with strict instructions NOT to leave the bedroom. Well come on... you know the Kastner children. I returned home to learn that Hannah had taken off all her clothes and when Ros tried to redress her a cat fight ensued. She was screaming and kicking Ros and so Elijah said, "I think she wants me to do it." So Ros handed him her pull-up, and Hannah continued screaming and kicking. Elijah proceeded to then pin her to the ground and shout, "I'll hold her. Quick! Just do it!" After that apparently the boys "rocked" Hannah to sleep by jumping on the bed she was lying on. That is just how the Kastners roll. Well, I also found all three boys chasing around the lower level with Larry when I returned home... not surprised are you???

After getting them settled back in bed and making sure most of them were sleeping, I returned back downstairs and spent some quality time catching up with Ros all by myself. It was a little slice of heaven.

The next morning Rosalind made us a BIG breakfast for our send off. As we sat there, Rosalind asked how long had Hannah been wearing glasses. I told her since she was 4 months old. Then I said, in January she has to get bifocals, and we are praying HARD that they work because if they don't then at her next checkup in the spring, they will make her start wearing a patch. Ros immediately stood to her feet and said, "Can I pray for her?"

I said, "Of course." 

She went looking for her anointing oil and returned to the dining room to anoint Hannah's head with oil. Then we laid hands on her and prayed. Hannah remained uncharacteristically still through the entire thing... Praying with Ros was an awesome trip back to 1993. I remembered the zeal of my charismatic leanings, and the beauty of trusting in God for a miraculous healing. After Amen, Ros taught Hannah to say, "Thank you Jesus for healing my eyes!" and told her to walk around throughout the day saying it.

I also had a VERY tender moment with Ros when I was telling her what an inspiring woman of God she is.... then I got to pray for her.... that was great too. I didn't really want to leave, but that was truly only our first stop. So at about 9 a.m. we headed down the drive in redneck fashion (Jami rolled over the grass and then bottomed out at the bottom of the drive.... "I don't care who you are now that is funny!) And we plugged St. Petersburg into Wanda and headed on our way.

Stay tuned for more Florida blogs as time allows.....I have to go wake the troops for Disney World now.

Sadly watching history be made....

 So I think I might be ready to put into words what I am feeling on this sad and historic morning. I watched Barack Obama's victory speech last night with tears in my eyes. How majestic! How amazing! How inspiring! To be watching the first black President of the United States of America be chosen....WOW! That is an incredible experience. Yet through my tears I still found time to YELL at the tv: Liar! Liar! Liar! "This campaign was made possible by the working people who gave their $5 from their hard earned savings..." Oh and I suppose Oprah's millions were nothing? I suppose the millions of dollars from your other rich friends should be overlooked? Whatever! Caught up again in the majesty of the moment I almost choked when I heard him issue what sure sounded like a threat to other nations that America would FIGHT for peace...what the heck??? Now he's a fighter? Where did that come from?

I guess here's where I stand: I respect NOTHING about Barack Obama. I think he is willing to say whatever he thinks people want to hear to get power. When he's in California the people of Pennsylvania are "clinging to their guns and religion" and when he's in Pennsylvania he's talking to the hard working men and women of this country... BLEH! He's a liar. (Which I suppose most politicians are....) He is a chameleon... He is embarrassingly liberal....

But he is going to be my president.... I am thrilled to the gills that America has finally elected a black president. I fully recognize (while others won't) that this is a racist opinion, and I don't care. I am glad to see a black man in the highest office in this country. I desperately WANT to live in a nation where ANYONE can be successful and rise to the top. So I am glad that this president is black; however, that's about the only thing I am glad about on this morning... but the people have spoken. So be it....

So I did what all true cheerleaders do: I made the best of the situation. I pulled my babies into the living room (yes they were still up...I'm sure that makes me a TERRIBLE parent...but Barack Obama's babies were up too) and I sat them in front of the TV and I told them, you are watching history be made... this is an event whose significance you will not be able to fully comprehend for a LONG time, but you need to watch and see this happen because it is a great day in America. It's a day that echos with strains of the truths we hold to be unalienable...."that ALL men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness...." This is a great nation we live in...so now let's get to work praying that it stays that way.

May God bless America!

How can it be?

 Today is my baby's 9th birthday, and I'm freaking out man! Seriously how can he be 9 already???? Wasn't just praying that I'd have this baby soon but not on Halloween? Wasn't it just minutes ago that I was riding that big wheel (an affect of a girl who's NEVER done drugs being given a narcotic) in that hospital bed? Wasn't it just a blink ago when they placed his tiny little body in my arms and I got my first glimpse of that gorgeous pout?

I just finished nursing him, teaching him to walk and potty training him. I'm sure I just turned around from tying his shoes for him and spooning mushed bananas into his mouth. It couldn't have been that long ago that we stood before that church dedicating our precious little boy to the Lord. I swear I can see it like yesterday: that time he was just learning to stand up and he chipped his two front teeth on the side of the bathroom, wasn't I just outside the room praying that a sweat test would reveal he didn't have cystic fibrosis, didn't I just take him for that ultra sound which left us praising God it was something called a baker's cyst and not C-A-N-C-E-R....

His life is flying by me today and I cannot for the life of me accept the fact that it has already been 9 years. At the same time, it feels like just a blink, I can't remember what my life was life before this amazing child was given to me.

So today I am reflecting on this sensitive, brilliant, God-loving child I have been blessed with. His life so far has left me gratefully tearful.... I cant' wait to see what the next 9 years will hold.

The whinings of a work-at-home mom....

 I was so excited to start my day today. I had a SLEW of east coast calls to make which meant that I could start calling at 7 a.m. instead of 8 a.m. (Typically I only get in about 30 minutes of calls in the morning before everyone starts stirring but today I was set up to get in an entire 1 1/2 hours of calls....yippee!)

At 5:50 a.m. the descent into the bowels of hell began....I had just woken John and I was preparing to get in a rare shower without an audience of 1 - 4 children, when I heard a faint knock on the bathroom door. It was Elijah.

"Why'd you wake me up?" he said.

"I didn't wake you Eli," I replied.

"Yes, you did...with the shower."

And so it began. I never did get in the shower. I got no peace & quiet in the early morning hours. However, with only one awake I was still able to get a few calls in (especially when the one is an older child and not Hannah). So at 7 o'clock with Elijah snuggled on the couch under a blanket I began my east coast calls....it should have been a sign, but I didn't recognize the omen: first 3 calls were companies/schools whose voicemail greetings indicated they were not open until 8:30 or 9 a.m. EST. By 7:20 I had only gotten in about 2 calls and all 4 of the children were up an hour early.

By 9:00 a.m. (CST) I was ready to rip my hair out. We had been through 3 meals already: cereal, then some pot pies, finally some turkey sandwiches (possibly they were just having a 3 course breakfast? idk). There was screaming and violence and great gnashing of teeth (some of it was even from the children).

Finally I gave up and walked away from my desk. I decided a break to shovel up some of the mess on the ground would be nice. I grumbled my way through straightening up the lower level, including a not very patient lesson for the children on "Why I don't like to buy granola bars." (I found 4 granola bar wrappers and 2 uneaten halves of granola bars behind the recliner. Littering and waste are not life lessons I'm trying to teach.)

It was a glorious morning, and I have been behind the 8 ball trying to get work accomplished while starting Journal & AWANA time instead of completing my work prior to having them start school. Now I am making a huge batch of homemade soup because I need some comfort food. While it's cooking, I need to get to emptying and reloading the dishwasher, changing the loads in the washer & dryer, and teaching math.

But don't cry for me Argentina, things are actually looking up....this morning I was seriously planning my getaway complete with a change of hairstyle and color to complete my disguise. It isn't even noon and I'm already back to just wishing I could have a real vacation.

Yeah! It's hump day!

Aren't ya glad???

 Wow! Talk about hitting me right between the eyes! Yesterday I was LATE to church. I wanted to sleep in but John (and about a million texts from Sarah Gorski) kept harassing me to get my butt to church. Good thing they did because God had a definite appointment for me. The sermon was called Prosperity, Peacemaking & Proximity. Like several 1-2 punches right in a row, God (using Shane as his fist) knocked me down to my knees over and over until I was down for the count!

Prosperity (please keep in mind this is merely my take on the sermon and how God ministered to me through it….other peops might have gotten a totally different take on it). For the past 3 years, John and I have suffered through financial troubles so dark and deep there seemed to be NO way out and NO end in sight. Whenever I would hear people talk about having financial troubles I would struggle to not roll my eyes. I wanted to scream each time, “You have no idea what financial troubles are!” Things that seemed horrendous and unimaginable in the world of poverty became common place to me. My children still remember when the power was turned off and when the cable doesn’t work the first thing they do is wonder aloud if Daddy couldn’t pay the bill. We have literally survived through the past three years only on the charity and generosity of those around us in our church and our families. I have felt for the past three years the shame of living under the cloud of financial strain. There seems to be this pervasive belief that financial troubles are solely of one’s own doing…that if you just stop spending frivolously or if you just shop at Aldi’s or if you saved more money you wouldn’t be where you are. I am here to tell you that sometimes YES financial troubles are brought on ourselves…much like the 60 year old who dies of lung cancer after smoking a pack a day since he was 15 years old. But I am also here to tell you that not all financial troubles are a result of poor decisions….just like there are non-smokers who die of lung cancer…Job’s financial troubles were like this. Job’s financial troubles came upon him because Satan was allowed to send trials his way because God believed he was strong enough to stand it. Anyways, the past three years have been a time of not only stress and strain from an inability to pay our bills even after we cut out every possible frivolity, but of also having TONS of shame heaped upon us…some by ourselves, some by others. So when Pastor Shane preached yesterday about how more often than not prosperity can be detrimental to one’s spiritual health….how frequently our prosperity leads us to depend less and less upon God. How Jesus was not prosperous: he was born in a manger; he lived as a peasant… It was like balm on my weary battered soul. I loved Hosea 13:6…When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me. I have said all along that one thing I was taking out of this financial valley we’ve traveled was my complete and utter dependence upon God. I have been unable to become proud and forget God because I have been so humbled by my circumstances…..and I am glad for that. One other thing that seeped into the cracks of my heart and brought healing to my deep painful wounds: “Sacrificial giving is the proof of our love.” John and I have never stopped giving through this whole entire escapade. I’m not trying to toot my own horn here, but I need to admit that this brought such comfort to me…the reminder that we showed how much we love God by continuing to be generous even though the worst of our troubles. We never stopped inviting people into our home, we never stopped cooking meals for families in need, we never stopped giving the shirt off our back to someone we saw in need. We didn’t allow financial destitution to turn us into people who clung tightly to every little thing they had trying hard to dig out of the nightmare all on our own.

So point #1 was such a warm, fuzzy feel good experience for me. Funny how sometimes God butters you up before bringing home the truth. As comforting and affirming as the first point of the sermon was, that is exactly how convicting and penetrating the second part was.

Peacemaking not exactly sure how candid I’m gonna be here….I always try to be as naked and upfront as possible; however, this part brought up SO many things that I’m not exactly proud of and I’m not sure I’ll have the courage to share it all, but here goes….He started out nice and easy and I was still feeling pretty good: Abraham gave Lot a choice and said you pick which way you’ll go and I’ll take the other…Lot took the best part and Abraham got the leftovers and Abraham was ok with getting less because he trusted God. Okay little ouchie here…I need to stop fighting for my fair share of the pie…whatever God gives me is good enough. Families can be the hardest place to be peacemakers….put 2 sinners under the same roof and there is bound to be conflict ouch! Getting a little hotter in here…I’m starting to resemble this sermon way too much! Jeremiah 31:34…”For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” Overlooking is one of the most valuable skills… yikes does everyone else here know he’s preaching right to me? He might as well have just announced Jami Lynn Kastner this one is for you. And then it came…the part that hit me so hard all the breath rushed from my lungs….What if God said to you, “We’re thru!”? What if God stopped forgiving you and said that’s it I’m done with you. Ohmigosh! Hadn’t I just said those same words last night? Didn’t I vow to stop forgiving?

So a little of the revealing that I so desperately fear: John and I had a HORRENDOUS fight on Saturday. The whole time we were bickering I could hear this voice in my head screaming, “Keep a tight rein on your tongue Jami!” I knew in my head that we were both exhausted from this marathon race we are trying to run. I knew that we both didn’t mean the things we were saying and that we were just crabby and tired, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was tired and crabby and miserable and I wanted to make him feel just as miserable….”You are SO mean! I’m tired of you being SO mean! I am done with this!” Seriously these ugly, impatient, unloving things…I said them. I said them all. I said them over and over. I said them in different ways….like a thesaurus I spewed out different versions of the exact same thing and now here was Pastor Shane preaching in front of the whole church, “Jami what if God said to you all those words you said to John yesterday.” Okay fine! He didn’t actually say my name up from the pulpit, but he might as well have. I knew full well that God had me in this exact place to hear those exact words just in that exact way: “Jami what if I told you I’m done with you! What if I said that’s it! I won’t let you sin against me one more time! Where would you be then Jami?” I was humbled to the point that I actually couldn’t even cry about it…me Jami Kastner the human bawl bag…I couldn’t cry. I was so convicted…so guilty…so firmly underneath God’s thumb that I couldn’t even wiggle, couldn’t let one little bit of moisture drip out from my eyes…I just sat there staring at Shane and knowing that I was evil to the core and I had behaved in a way that was so unChristlike I wanted to puke.

Thank the good Lord above the third point was kinda a fizzler for me…Proximity there are some place in the world that are so wicked the best strategy is to get out…we are to be salt…preserving the world and light dispelling the darkness in the world…don’t run TOO quickly from our culture because you’ll miss out on the biggest mission field available. Okay that one didn’t hit me too much and didn’t hold too much conviction for me which was a good thing because I was already lying on the floor unable to do anything but catch shallow ragged breaths…one more thing would have done me in.

So here I am the day after…I am still feeling quite battered and bruised…my soul took quite a licking yesterday but it kept on ticking. I am feeling very convicted and very wrong but I have bathed in the forgiveness of my Savior so the healing has begun. I went to my husband and confessed my sin. And now here I am proclaiming it semi-publically because…I guess I just have feel this strong urge to share this. In fact God is leading me to share some more specific thoughts on this with one person and I’m just praying I have the courage to do it. If you care to hear the sermon yourself….if you think I made it up, it couldn’t have really been THAT good…here’s a link to the podcast…it should be available by Friday.