Aren't ya glad???

 Wow! Talk about hitting me right between the eyes! Yesterday I was LATE to church. I wanted to sleep in but John (and about a million texts from Sarah Gorski) kept harassing me to get my butt to church. Good thing they did because God had a definite appointment for me. The sermon was called Prosperity, Peacemaking & Proximity. Like several 1-2 punches right in a row, God (using Shane as his fist) knocked me down to my knees over and over until I was down for the count!

Prosperity (please keep in mind this is merely my take on the sermon and how God ministered to me through it….other peops might have gotten a totally different take on it). For the past 3 years, John and I have suffered through financial troubles so dark and deep there seemed to be NO way out and NO end in sight. Whenever I would hear people talk about having financial troubles I would struggle to not roll my eyes. I wanted to scream each time, “You have no idea what financial troubles are!” Things that seemed horrendous and unimaginable in the world of poverty became common place to me. My children still remember when the power was turned off and when the cable doesn’t work the first thing they do is wonder aloud if Daddy couldn’t pay the bill. We have literally survived through the past three years only on the charity and generosity of those around us in our church and our families. I have felt for the past three years the shame of living under the cloud of financial strain. There seems to be this pervasive belief that financial troubles are solely of one’s own doing…that if you just stop spending frivolously or if you just shop at Aldi’s or if you saved more money you wouldn’t be where you are. I am here to tell you that sometimes YES financial troubles are brought on ourselves…much like the 60 year old who dies of lung cancer after smoking a pack a day since he was 15 years old. But I am also here to tell you that not all financial troubles are a result of poor decisions….just like there are non-smokers who die of lung cancer…Job’s financial troubles were like this. Job’s financial troubles came upon him because Satan was allowed to send trials his way because God believed he was strong enough to stand it. Anyways, the past three years have been a time of not only stress and strain from an inability to pay our bills even after we cut out every possible frivolity, but of also having TONS of shame heaped upon us…some by ourselves, some by others. So when Pastor Shane preached yesterday about how more often than not prosperity can be detrimental to one’s spiritual health….how frequently our prosperity leads us to depend less and less upon God. How Jesus was not prosperous: he was born in a manger; he lived as a peasant… It was like balm on my weary battered soul. I loved Hosea 13:6…When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me. I have said all along that one thing I was taking out of this financial valley we’ve traveled was my complete and utter dependence upon God. I have been unable to become proud and forget God because I have been so humbled by my circumstances…..and I am glad for that. One other thing that seeped into the cracks of my heart and brought healing to my deep painful wounds: “Sacrificial giving is the proof of our love.” John and I have never stopped giving through this whole entire escapade. I’m not trying to toot my own horn here, but I need to admit that this brought such comfort to me…the reminder that we showed how much we love God by continuing to be generous even though the worst of our troubles. We never stopped inviting people into our home, we never stopped cooking meals for families in need, we never stopped giving the shirt off our back to someone we saw in need. We didn’t allow financial destitution to turn us into people who clung tightly to every little thing they had trying hard to dig out of the nightmare all on our own.

So point #1 was such a warm, fuzzy feel good experience for me. Funny how sometimes God butters you up before bringing home the truth. As comforting and affirming as the first point of the sermon was, that is exactly how convicting and penetrating the second part was.

Peacemaking not exactly sure how candid I’m gonna be here….I always try to be as naked and upfront as possible; however, this part brought up SO many things that I’m not exactly proud of and I’m not sure I’ll have the courage to share it all, but here goes….He started out nice and easy and I was still feeling pretty good: Abraham gave Lot a choice and said you pick which way you’ll go and I’ll take the other…Lot took the best part and Abraham got the leftovers and Abraham was ok with getting less because he trusted God. Okay little ouchie here…I need to stop fighting for my fair share of the pie…whatever God gives me is good enough. Families can be the hardest place to be peacemakers….put 2 sinners under the same roof and there is bound to be conflict ouch! Getting a little hotter in here…I’m starting to resemble this sermon way too much! Jeremiah 31:34…”For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” Overlooking is one of the most valuable skills… yikes does everyone else here know he’s preaching right to me? He might as well have just announced Jami Lynn Kastner this one is for you. And then it came…the part that hit me so hard all the breath rushed from my lungs….What if God said to you, “We’re thru!”? What if God stopped forgiving you and said that’s it I’m done with you. Ohmigosh! Hadn’t I just said those same words last night? Didn’t I vow to stop forgiving?

So a little of the revealing that I so desperately fear: John and I had a HORRENDOUS fight on Saturday. The whole time we were bickering I could hear this voice in my head screaming, “Keep a tight rein on your tongue Jami!” I knew in my head that we were both exhausted from this marathon race we are trying to run. I knew that we both didn’t mean the things we were saying and that we were just crabby and tired, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was tired and crabby and miserable and I wanted to make him feel just as miserable….”You are SO mean! I’m tired of you being SO mean! I am done with this!” Seriously these ugly, impatient, unloving things…I said them. I said them all. I said them over and over. I said them in different ways….like a thesaurus I spewed out different versions of the exact same thing and now here was Pastor Shane preaching in front of the whole church, “Jami what if God said to you all those words you said to John yesterday.” Okay fine! He didn’t actually say my name up from the pulpit, but he might as well have. I knew full well that God had me in this exact place to hear those exact words just in that exact way: “Jami what if I told you I’m done with you! What if I said that’s it! I won’t let you sin against me one more time! Where would you be then Jami?” I was humbled to the point that I actually couldn’t even cry about it…me Jami Kastner the human bawl bag…I couldn’t cry. I was so convicted…so guilty…so firmly underneath God’s thumb that I couldn’t even wiggle, couldn’t let one little bit of moisture drip out from my eyes…I just sat there staring at Shane and knowing that I was evil to the core and I had behaved in a way that was so unChristlike I wanted to puke.

Thank the good Lord above the third point was kinda a fizzler for me…Proximity there are some place in the world that are so wicked the best strategy is to get out…we are to be salt…preserving the world and light dispelling the darkness in the world…don’t run TOO quickly from our culture because you’ll miss out on the biggest mission field available. Okay that one didn’t hit me too much and didn’t hold too much conviction for me which was a good thing because I was already lying on the floor unable to do anything but catch shallow ragged breaths…one more thing would have done me in.

So here I am the day after…I am still feeling quite battered and bruised…my soul took quite a licking yesterday but it kept on ticking. I am feeling very convicted and very wrong but I have bathed in the forgiveness of my Savior so the healing has begun. I went to my husband and confessed my sin. And now here I am proclaiming it semi-publically because…I guess I just have feel this strong urge to share this. In fact God is leading me to share some more specific thoughts on this with one person and I’m just praying I have the courage to do it. If you care to hear the sermon yourself….if you think I made it up, it couldn’t have really been THAT good…here’s a link to the podcast…it should be available by Friday.