God is good!

 I feel the strongest urge to blog about this, but I'm a bit at a loss for words to describe what I'm feeling. For the past 3 years, we have teetered on the brink of financial destruction. Our faith has been stretched and tested beyond what we ever thought we could endure. We suffered several LARGE financial blows which should have been the end of it for the kind of couple who lived paycheck to paycheck with NOTHING for a rainy day. Instead by the grace of God and generous people, we have survived through this season.

I can hardly even begin to list the things that have been birthed in us...increased faith in God, stronger committment to each other...coming face to face with many of our deepest darkest fears has brought much pain but many good things into our lives.

We have been praying and praying for God to save us from this situation. We were not sure what to do about it. We had already cut out every single non-essential thing from our lives. I was working as many hours as I could (this summer topping out at 40 nearly every week because overtime has not been authorized at all this summer). John grubbing for side jobs and working himself into the ground, but still we are in DEEP doodoo.

Over the weekend we were in another VERY deep valley. SEVERAL bills are so past due that we're being threatened with disconnection of our Time Warner services (which are necessary for me to work from home), cell phones, etc... We are behind on every single thing and our refrigerator has been bare most of the summer. I started blogging again last week, and I really truly determined in my heart this time I was going to do this trial right. I was not going to lose my hope that God would get us through. I was going to hang on through it all and KEEP ON TRUSTING.

On Sunday I tithed. I was terrified to do it....it wasn't much, but still I have NO idea how I'm going to pay Time Warner on Monday so putting even a little in the offering was very scary.

I think it was on Friday that it occurred to me...maybe John should look for a second job. Not a part-time job...not a side job...but a REAL full-time second job. I mentioned it to John and all of a sudden he was like a man on a mission. He spent much of the weekend on the internet looking for a second shift position. On Monday he called about 4 temp services and one company that had a posting for a 2nd shift grinder. We were VERY excited about the grinding position. It was at a company in Franklin...barely 3 miles from our house. By the end of work day on Monday, he had scheduled an interview for Tuesday. He went to his interview on Tuesday and HE GOT THE JOB!!!! He starts 7/30; will be working from 3:30 p.m. to midnight M-F!!!

While this will bring many hardships our way: we won't see John during the week, he won't get much sleep, he will be working 77.5 hours every week. Those things are barely registering as a blip on the screen...we are ECSTATIC that we will finally have enough income to pay our bills. It will take a few months to get caught up, but then we should actually be able to make some progress towards climbing out of some of the debt we are drowing in. I guess we are just FULLY aware of the difficulty level of what we are embarking on, but we just really can't imagine that it will be any more difficult than it has been to continually fear we won't be able to pay the energy bill in time to avoid having the power cut off or constantly deal with collection agencies or having to tell our children over and over again, "We just don't have the money for ______"

I was a little nervous to blog about this. It's so raw and honest and revealing. However, SO many of you have read my blog over the past years and have been faithfully praying for us...I could not keep from you this news: Your prayers have been answered! We are being delivered!

This entire situation seems so saturated with God....the idea popping into my head, John being SO driven to find something, it all coming together so quickly, the position being just 3 miles from our house....

On Monday I asked a dear friend if I could just vent to her my deepest most honest feelings about this situation to her...after I spewed it all out one of the things she said was,

Your desperation for provision is warranted- time to rally the troops! You need a breakthrough!!!! You have every right to petition for one, too!
God sees you. I don't understand what He's up to, but He sees you! GOD- PLEASE MOVE! I'm asking for Your Fatherly rescue of your child! Please God!

I feel so strongly and amazingly that He has finally rescued us, and while I truly and honestly told Him I didn't care how He rescued us as long as He did rescue us, I for one am just TICKLED that He is going to rescue us through our own hard work and not through a handout. When John walked in that front door after getting this job, his whole countenance, the way he was holding his shoulders, everything about him was just strong again...not defeated...not worried... for so long he has tried to stand up under the emasculation of not being able to provide for his family and now I can already see how good he feels about the fact that God is going to use HIM to get us out of this mess. So while I would have never told God how to fix this, I am SO eternally gratefully that He chose to use John to rescue us.

I guess the way I started this blog (I'm a bit at a loss for words) is kinda funny now that it's turned into a novel. I wasn't at a loss for words to tell you what happened just at a loss to describe what I'm feeling: I am grateful, nervous, excited, relieved, peaceful, victorious...idk I just can't get the perfect word...

I am so glad I am God's and I am so glad He is mine. He truly has lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand (Psalm 40:2)

Don't forget to cry...

I was just sitting here watching In Plain Sight....the ending brought tears to my eyes (not a surprise...I'm a big fat bawl bag)...so I stood up to get started cleaning the kitchen and all of a sudden I felt sobs welling up inside me. As I let myself cry, I realized how good it felt to let out some of the pent up emotion I'd been keeping inside of me. As tears coursed down my face and sobs rose from deep inside me, I realized: trusting in God does not mean stuffing your feelings. God doesn't want us to deny, hide or bury what we're feeling. He desires honesty in our inmost being. Trusting in God is being afraid and lying it in his lap. Trusting in God is being worried about the Goliath in front of you but slinging that stone anyways. Trusting in God is being real and scared and defeated but GOING ON ANYWAYS!

I feel a little better now. The real truth is I am scared of our current financial situation, and on top of it all, I've been suffering from some pretty miserable sinus pain for the past 3 days, and I just needed to let a little of the fear and pain and misery out of me. That didn't make me a weaker person...that didn't mean I don't believe that God is sovereign...that didn't mean that I'm not "doing it right this time." It just meant I was being real.

Here's to keeping it real!

A Word from God

 This morning I asked God for a Word. I just sat silently for a little bit wanting to hear from Him. My battered soul, my worried heart just needed to hear from my Lord.

As I sat quietly, I got a picture in my head of an ostrich with its head buried in the sand. That's odd I thought. But I again cleared my head so I could hear from God and like a gentle wind he ministered to me, I want you to be just like this ostrich. I am the sand. Bury your head in Me. Don't worry about the world crashing and exploding about you...keep your head buried in Me. I will worry about the rest.

Maybe that ministers to you...maybe you just think I'm the crazy ostrich lady now...regardless...I shared. God will do the rest.

Do it right cuz EVERYTHING is great!

 I have kinda shied away from blogging because it got too painful....I love to share my experiences...even the gut-wrenching ones, in the hope that they will minister to someone....that someone will think: "Wow, I never thought of it like that" or "That is the most hysterical story I've ever heard" or "I can hang on too" or even "Gosh I'm glad I'm not her." But when you share your stories, you open yourself up to others opinions, criticisms, suggestions, judgment. Life has been too raw (and frankly too busy) for that lately so I've kept quiet. But there are two lessons BURNING on my heart right now so I've got to get them out. Hope you'll tell me which response is yours

If you've followed my blog for very long at all (or if you are at all a part of my life), you know that the past 3 years have been a season of DIRE financial hardships for this family. I'm not talking, "Oh dear we're going to have to dip into the savings" hardships. I'm talking, "How in the world are we going to pay the energy bill so they don't turn off the power" hardships. The only other situation I've had in my life which has been this gut-wrenching and faith-building was 11 years ago when I was a 28-year old, single, teacher with NO prospects of dating (muchless) marriage on the horizon. I remember the deep and desperate feeling of loneliness....I remember how undesireable I felt....I remember thinking no one would ever be attracted to me, no one would ever fall in love with me, no one would ever marry me... It's funny to think of it now, but I was in a severe crisis of faith over it several times....I had watched almost all of my friends walk down the aisle already (was a bridesmaid in 7 of those weddings), I had given my life to Jesus I was serving Him as a teacher in a Christian school and what did I get for that? A life of lonliness.... There were several times in college where the fact that I NEVER (read NEVER as NEVER) dated drove me to be suicidal. I mean this was a deep, dark struggle with my self-image and my fears....

Well fast forward 11 years and those fears seem laughable....what they nearly drove me to....stupid. God answered all of my prayers and desires to find and marry a godly man with lightening quickness that made my head spin....I met John and within 10 months we were married....another 17 months and Noah was born. Here I am 11 years later and I can't even remember what loneliness feels like....I am married and in love and I am continually amazed that even now MANY more pounds heavier than I care to admit...I am found to be attractive by this great man. So....enough with the history lesson let's get on with those things that are burning on my soul:

When I struggled through being of an "advanced single age" I did NOT handle it with grace and faith. I stomped my feet. I screamed and cried. I begged God. I bargained. As beforementioned, I even despaired almost to the point of death. Looking back now, I am chagrined by the petulant child I was demanding her way instead of her Father's. Yesterday, something odd happened in my heart. I was thinking about how dire our finances are. I was starting to feel like I couldn't breath. The 3 disconnection warnings and rent coming due were looming in my brain and I all of a sudden realized...HANG ON! I don't want to do it that way this time. I don't want to cry and fear and worry and fret. I want to rest in the peace that my heavenly Father is in control. I want to just proceed with life....this is number 1 folks so pay attention.... I want to do it right this time. I want to enjoy all that is around me in spite of the large struggle I'm going through and I want to work as hard as I can to earn money and save money and make our financial situation bettter but I don't want to worry I don't want to cry and scream and stomp my feet this time.... And it happened....all of a sudden since yesterday it's been a TOTALLY different feeling. I'm not sure I can explain it except for with this: peace. Our troubles did not go away...we still have to come up with the phone bill by today and the internet by the 28th and the rent by the 1st and the energy bill by the 2nd....those Goliath bills are all still looming there laughing at our David-like salary, but guess what....I all of a sudden have this odd.... unnatural... PEACE in my heart...and I'm going to do it! I'm going to face this one in a different way. I'm going to do this one right!

Okay gotta move on to the second lesson because today's tasks are screaming at me to get going. I have a friend who is struggling through a TERRIBLE, life-altering, faith challenging, situation. I mean one of those all encompassing can't seem to get away from it kinda struggles (kinda like not being able to pay the rent, cable, phone and energy bills ) well anyways I touched base with her yesterday to see how she was doing and she said, "Outside of _______ (debillitating struggle) everything is great!" Well that was SO convicting to me....again how often do I need God to remind me....factor out the financial destitution and my life is pretty nearly perfect. While that trying to figure out who to pay and who to put off game can be pretty all-encompassing, why can't I step outside of the frenzy and look around a little at my beautiful babies, my godly husband, my growing youth group, my amazing church....

So today not only am I deteremined to "do it right this time." I am also determined to say, "Outside of having NO money to pay the bills, EVERYTHING IS GREAT!" Because guess what? it is!

Here's hoping your day is great and that you to will have the strength to carry on through whatever you're struggling with. My life as a lesson....that's what God has called me to.