I have kinda shied away from blogging because it got too painful....I love to share my experiences...even the gut-wrenching ones, in the hope that they will minister to someone....that someone will think: "Wow, I never thought of it like that" or "That is the most hysterical story I've ever heard" or "I can hang on too" or even "Gosh I'm glad I'm not her." But when you share your stories, you open yourself up to others opinions, criticisms, suggestions, judgment. Life has been too raw (and frankly too busy) for that lately so I've kept quiet. But there are two lessons BURNING on my heart right now so I've got to get them out. Hope you'll tell me which response is yours
If you've followed my blog for very long at all (or if you are at all a part of my life), you know that the past 3 years have been a season of DIRE financial hardships for this family. I'm not talking, "Oh dear we're going to have to dip into the savings" hardships. I'm talking, "How in the world are we going to pay the energy bill so they don't turn off the power" hardships. The only other situation I've had in my life which has been this gut-wrenching and faith-building was 11 years ago when I was a 28-year old, single, teacher with NO prospects of dating (muchless) marriage on the horizon. I remember the deep and desperate feeling of loneliness....I remember how undesireable I felt....I remember thinking no one would ever be attracted to me, no one would ever fall in love with me, no one would ever marry me... It's funny to think of it now, but I was in a severe crisis of faith over it several times....I had watched almost all of my friends walk down the aisle already (was a bridesmaid in 7 of those weddings), I had given my life to Jesus I was serving Him as a teacher in a Christian school and what did I get for that? A life of lonliness.... There were several times in college where the fact that I NEVER (read NEVER as NEVER) dated drove me to be suicidal. I mean this was a deep, dark struggle with my self-image and my fears....
Well fast forward 11 years and those fears seem laughable....what they nearly drove me to....stupid. God answered all of my prayers and desires to find and marry a godly man with lightening quickness that made my head spin....I met John and within 10 months we were married....another 17 months and Noah was born. Here I am 11 years later and I can't even remember what loneliness feels like....I am married and in love and I am continually amazed that even now MANY more pounds heavier than I care to admit...I am found to be attractive by this great man. So....enough with the history lesson let's get on with those things that are burning on my soul:
When I struggled through being of an "advanced single age" I did NOT handle it with grace and faith. I stomped my feet. I screamed and cried. I begged God. I bargained. As beforementioned, I even despaired almost to the point of death. Looking back now, I am chagrined by the petulant child I was demanding her way instead of her Father's. Yesterday, something odd happened in my heart. I was thinking about how dire our finances are. I was starting to feel like I couldn't breath. The 3 disconnection warnings and rent coming due were looming in my brain and I all of a sudden realized...HANG ON! I don't want to do it that way this time. I don't want to cry and fear and worry and fret. I want to rest in the peace that my heavenly Father is in control. I want to just proceed with life....this is number 1 folks so pay attention.... I want to do it right this time. I want to enjoy all that is around me in spite of the large struggle I'm going through and I want to work as hard as I can to earn money and save money and make our financial situation bettter but I don't want to worry I don't want to cry and scream and stomp my feet this time.... And it happened....all of a sudden since yesterday it's been a TOTALLY different feeling. I'm not sure I can explain it except for with this: peace. Our troubles did not go away...we still have to come up with the phone bill by today and the internet by the 28th and the rent by the 1st and the energy bill by the 2nd....those Goliath bills are all still looming there laughing at our David-like salary, but guess what....I all of a sudden have this odd.... unnatural... PEACE in my heart...and I'm going to do it! I'm going to face this one in a different way. I'm going to do this one right!
Okay gotta move on to the second lesson because today's tasks are screaming at me to get going. I have a friend who is struggling through a TERRIBLE, life-altering, faith challenging, situation. I mean one of those all encompassing can't seem to get away from it kinda struggles (kinda like not being able to pay the rent, cable, phone and energy bills ) well anyways I touched base with her yesterday to see how she was doing and she said, "Outside of _______ (debillitating struggle) everything is great!" Well that was SO convicting to me....again how often do I need God to remind me....factor out the financial destitution and my life is pretty nearly perfect. While that trying to figure out who to pay and who to put off game can be pretty all-encompassing, why can't I step outside of the frenzy and look around a little at my beautiful babies, my godly husband, my growing youth group, my amazing church....
So today not only am I deteremined to "do it right this time." I am also determined to say, "Outside of having NO money to pay the bills, EVERYTHING IS GREAT!" Because guess what? it is!
Here's hoping your day is great and that you to will have the strength to carry on through whatever you're struggling with. My life as a lesson....that's what God has called me to.
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