And the bass keeps runnin' runnin'.... runnin' runnin'.... runnin' runnin'...

Yesterday we learned that John has to have yet ANOTHER surgery. To answer a few of the FAQs I fielded yesterday:

*It is a second fusion surgery (like he had last year). He previously had C4 thru C6 fused. This time they will also fuse C3 and C7.

*Once again as I understand it, this was not CAUSED by the Chiari Malformation but the condition is exascerbated by the changes brain surgery wrought on the anatomy of his skull/neck.

*The neurosurgeon we know, love and TRUST feels it is necessary. As neither of us went to medical school, and as we are DESPERATE for some relief for John, and because this doctor successfully cut open John's brain and has led us every step of the way since then, we are trusting his opinion.

*Yes, we did see this coming. In recent weeks the strength in John's arm has been DRASTICALLY decreasing, the pain in his neck has been DRASTICALLY increasing, and he is RARELY able to sleep.

*Yes, I will let you know if there is anything you can do for us. For right now, please STORM the gates of Heaven begging God for a slot to open up in the 2014 schedule so that John can have this surgery under this CURRENT year's medical claims and so that he will have the extra days of Christmas-to-New Year's shut down to recover.

As is typical, I ran the WHOLE gamut of emotions yesterday:

*ANGER:  Lord, WHY now?  WHY again?  WHY NOT before the end of 2014?!?!?!

*FEAR:  What if this doesn't go well? What if this doesn't work? What if? What if? What if?

*ACCEPTANCE: 2014 or 2015 DOESN'T matter. my stress here is over MONEY (money it will cost us in the brand-new calendar year; money we may lose if John ends up out of work without pay) and money does NOT matter.  I am a daughter of the King with His FULL resources behind me.  I may not WANT to walk through a valley of need again, but if I do, I need NOT fear because my Father will supply ALL my needs according to His riches in glory....

*HOPE:  Never once.... not ONCE... in the past 5 years we've been walking this medical journey... in the past 16 years I've been joined to this man.... in the past 45 years I've been on this earth.... NEVER ONCE did we EVER walk alone.... NEVER ONCE did You leave us on our own....

I found out around 4 p.m. yesterday.  I was a PUDDLE of tears, yet a still, small voice whispered to me "PRAYER." I found the strength to post a FB plea:

Post by Jami Lynn Kastner.

Then I gathered my babies, and we dove into prayer. There were a LOT of tears as I prayed (but my tears are a REGULAR house guest here). When John's turn to pray came, he paused after just a few seconds. As the length of the pause grew, Hannah must have looked up and with awe and wonder in her voice, she said, "Dad's crying." As far as I can remember, that is the first time during this medical journey that our children have seen him cry about it. He doesn't cry from the pain---no matter how bad it gets. He wasn't crying out of fear---honestly this man RARELY knows fear. He was crying out of a place of SHEER EXHAUSTION over all he has traveled through and out of WEARINESS from watching us struggle along with him.  The end of his prayer gutted me, "Lord let ALL of the difficulty of this situation fall on MY shoulders. Protect my family from it." OY!

So as we enter this next valley of difficulty, there will be close to a JILLION things you could pray for us (and don't hold back!  Let the Spirit lead you to WHATEVER topic He puts on your heart. We are NOT picky.  We will take ANY prayers we can get.)

But for today, the top 3 are:

1. Pray for John.  Pray that he may gracefully travel through this valley.... that he will TRUST God... and that he will FINALLY find RELIEF.

2. Pray for our children. Pray that God will use yet ANOTHER time their daddy has to be cut open to pull them CLOSER to Him.... to INCREASE their faith... and that Satan would NOT be given a foothold of fear or bitterness in ANY of their hearts.

3. Pray for this surgery to happen THIS YEAR.  I realize that these money worries are just "fluff 'n stuff" but walking through previous seasons of need and desperation have left me with what feels like a form of PTSD and while I know that God WILL get us through whatever comes, I really, really, REALLY do not have ANY desire to add yet ANOTHER thousand dollars of bills to the Kastner Medical Bill quagmire.

To those of you who have journeyed with us the entire time: THANK YOU for your continued prayer. I would have COMPLETELY understood if you had grown tired of our woes and distanced yourself from our situation.  I often wish I could just escape it too.

To those of you who have recently joined our lives: previous blogs (especially from the fall of 2009, the winter of 2011, and the end of the year in 2013) may help you get up-to-speed if you desire, and THANK YOU for joining us in prayer.

To my family:  you are my ROCK. Besides Jesus there is NO ONE, NOTHING that has been more precious to me through all of this than you.  Thank you for CONSTANTLY jumping to help me... For clutching me so tightly in your prayers... For opening your home (and your elliptical trainer) to me when I need to flee the stress for a lil bit... For letting me scream, cry, and say REALLY stupid things to get the gunk out of my heart... And for forgiving all my faux pas in the midst of difficult journey.

Firmly in His grip and EXPECTANTLY waiting for mountains to move,

Jami L. Kastner