Oftentimes I find the "aftershock" can be worse than the "earthquake".... During the earthquake moments, I get by on adrenaline kept aloft by the prayers of MANY of you walking through my trial with me. But when the aftershocks come, my adrenaline has worn off.... an exhaustion starts to set in and I FEEL the stress and pain left in the wake of the earthquake.
This weekend might have been harder for me than when John was actually IN the hospital. Saturday was a nice reprieve [John and I had a kid-free day.... If you follow me on FB you know I found my dream rocker which I have been SEARCHING for for at least 2 years]
and Sunday morning God SCREAMED, "I love you Jami." from the worship set list [FB friends: remember this post from Thursday night:
Jami Lynn Kastner shared a link.
How many times in the past five years have I chased an ambulance to the hospital? 5? 6? Maybe even 7?
Today as I RUSHED to St. Luke's my fear was palpable, and I could feel myself losing it. Hannah and Elijah were in the van with me.... That was the ONLY thing keeping me under control. I knew if I fell apart they would too. And then God GRIPPED me with a lyric from this song bubbling up in my heart:
"I will look back and see that You are faithful
I look ahead believing You are able"
And His peace SWIRLED around my soul as I realized... 5? 6? 7? times He has gotten us through. This time WILL be NO different!
If you need a little encouragement tonight listen to this song. I'll be playing it on repeat as I drift off to sleep.
Today as I RUSHED to St. Luke's my fear was palpable, and I could feel myself losing it. Hannah and Elijah were in the van with me.... That was the ONLY thing keeping me under control. I knew if I fell apart they would too. And then God GRIPPED me with a lyric from this song bubbling up in my heart:
"I will look back and see that You are faithful
I look ahead believing You are able"
And His peace SWIRLED around my soul as I realized... 5? 6? 7? times He has gotten us through. This time WILL be NO different!
If you need a little encouragement tonight listen to this song. I'll be playing it on repeat as I drift off to sleep.
well THAT song was the last song of the worship set yesterday.....] I BAWLED like a baby as the words washed over my soul!
...but the rest of the weekend was a murky MESS of pain, irritation and impatience.
Right now I am just past exhausted with VERY thin skin and absolutely NO patience. I am taking EVERYTHING personally. I am BLOWING UP (okay if not on the outside at least on the inside) over every minor infraction. And honestly, I don't even like to be around myself right now.
Last night I started feeling like I'm coming down with something [body aches, headache] and this morning I awoke with a sore throat, but I was BOUND and DETERMINED to bike this morning, and am I glad I did because God had a sermon waiting for me on my Pandora station! Because music ministers to my soul so much, I am including videos of the songs in case you want to hear one....
Pandora Station: Barlow Girls
Song 1:
Hold
by Superchick (can I just say how I LOVE Superchick??? MMMMM!)
most gripping lyrics:
Tell me I can make it through this day
I don't even have the words to pray
You have been the only One who never left me
Help me find the way through all my fears
Lord, I'm so tired.... please get me through THIS day... I don't know how to pray because I don't even KNOW what emergency might be on the horizon... help me to face this day without fear, and NO MATTER WHAT don't leave me!
Song 2:
You're Not Alone
by Meredith Andrews
most gripping lyrics:
You're not alone for I, I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
Every single dark alley I've walked down.... Every night I spent alone in my bed afraid of what the test results would bring... YOU have seen me through God!
Song 3:
Held
by Natalie Grant
most gripping lyrics:
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
The promise NEVER has been ANYTHING other than I would be HELD. And I have been HELD.
Song 4:
Crawl
by Superchick
On this one the WHOLE song GRIPPED me....
How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
'Cause I have You
And if I had to crawl
Well, You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is You
See me through
Oh, Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can You not see my tears?
When all have left meAnd hope has disappeared
You'll find me here
And when I had to crawlWell, You crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is You
See me through
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
When I am lost, You have not lost me
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
When I am lost, You have not lost me
I have been crying in silence... trying to be strong... afraid to say how scared I really am... unsure if I can verbalize the pain in the depths of me.... but you HAVE NOT lost me. You WILL NOT lose me.
As always I hope this jumbled mess has ministered to someone, but honestly the writing of it has ministered to me and maybe that's all God wanted this for.
Have a great day everyone!
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