But regardless of how or why we became parents, it isn't easy..... In fact, it is the TOUGHEST job I never knew I could love so much.
He was just 4 or 5. It was his first experience with a team sport.... T-ball. And this day was HIS turn to bring the snack. It was a momentous occasion for a 4-year old. Bringing the snack.... Feeling like king for the day... being POPULAR because of the treats he had in his possession. I will NEVER as long as I live forget the feeling in my tummy when the boom of rejection fell. See someone had screwed up and scheduled TWO children to bring snack that day, and NO ONE.... I mean NOT ONE t-ball player took Noah's snack. Tears brimmed in his little 4-year old eyes as he said, "Momma, no one wanted my snack." In a flash I realized this was just the beginning.... The future held MANY rejections that I would need to walk through with him: "Momma, no one sat by me on the bus." "Momma, I was the last one picked for kickball." "Mom, she doesn't 'like' me." "Mom, I lost my job." My heart SCREAMED, "God I can't DO this! I can't watch my baby hurt! I can't stand the pain of this MOST precious person being hurt."
Be still and know that I am God....
She was 5. We had been told this moment was possible since she was 4 months old. But we had done EVERYTHING to prevent it... baby glasses, patches, baby bifocals, oh SO many doctor appointments.... Yet here we were in a small curtained area waiting for them to wheel our baby girl back and cut into her eyeballs to fix them. She looked at me with terror in her eyes. "Momma, don't let them TAKE me." her eyes screamed out at me. I had MANY reasons why I was going to let them take her. I had her future vision, appearance, happiness on my side. I was RIGHT to let them do this. But she didn't need to hear any of that. She didn't need my well-thought out defense. All she needed to hear was, "I'm sorry." and "I love you." All the way down the hallway I heard her scream, "I want my Momma! I want my Momma!" Those screams still echo in my heart.... and through my tears, I just whispered, "I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry. I love you."
Be still and know that I am God....
My cheerleaders have tried to explain to me what subtweeting is... I just couldn't seem to get it, but recently I have started to realize that I guess I already am a master at it. See sometimes the situations that plague my heart are too sensitive and too confidential to blab the details. So I blog about related topics. I blog about safer topics. I leave out the details... the names... the specifics. Most often to protect OTHERS who didn't sign up to be a part of my "bare naked honesty."
That's what this blog is about today... it's not really about t-ball.... it's not really about eye surgery... But it IS about parenting. And how difficult it is.... it was difficult when a teething baby BIT me while nursing... it was difficult when I was putting patches on a screaming 2-year old.... it was difficult when someone smeared butter in the screens and broke THREE toilets (all in one summer I might add).... it was difficult when we were deciding if we should homeschool... and the fact that I love these little people more than my own life and I realize what I am doing is worthwhile does not change the fact that PARENTING IS DIFFICULT! broken hearts... needing to simply say, "I'm sorry. I love you." and no more. It is DIFFICULT!
Be still and know that I am God....
To every parent reading this I'd just like to say:
Be still and know that I am God....
It is tough. There are many times that aren't fun. But He has this under control. When you just want to SCREAM at the heartbreak your child is suffering. When all you can say is, "I'm sorry.... I love you...." He has this under control.
I doubt this blog will minister to anyone else today... but as is typical for me writing out my angst has been therapeutic for me.
Hope you have a GREAT day!
He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
Psalm 46:10
No comments:
Post a Comment