the private things.....

Some things are just TOO private for even ME to blog about.  One happened today... I guess maybe it wasn't too private too ever blog about.... I just had to keep it close to my coat at first because I guess I wasn't real sure what to say... That's right... ME the one who is NEVER at a loss for words, didn't know what to say. I actually don't think I was at a LOSS for words I think I was at an overload of words. There was SUCH a jumble I couldn't focus on one thought so I stayed quiet instead.  Here's what happened...

On April 14, I went for my very first mamogram EVER (YES! I know I was over two years late! Cut me some slack we've had a few medical things happen in the past 2 years.). On April 17, they called and said I needed to come back for more images and possibly an ultrasound. Terror, calm, worry, peace, fear, SURENESS... assaulted me without letting up. My heart SCREAMED, God is in control. He holds your future in His capable hands. But my head SHOUTED BACK, that doesn't mean He won't walk us down yet another scary and difficult road.

I asked a few to pray for me. I prayed my guts out. And I waited.

Today I went for my additional images. I had to have SEVERAL mammography images done and an ultrasound and I waited... A LOT. Finally the doctor came in. [I remember it was a bit surreal. I kept thinking could he just CUT to the chase? and is this a moment that will change my life? and Lord hold me close, I'm quite a bit scared.]  The end result is: The radiologist is confident that this is normal tissue for me, but just to be safe it will be re-examined in six months.

I'm still not sure WHAT to say about this. It is all just raw and quite honestly a bit terrifying. I just know in my heart (in fact I knew back on April 18th) God doesn't want me to stay silent on this. I knew He would call me to reveal it, in spite of its embarrassing/sensitive subject. I'm still not sure why. See back on April 18, I thought I would be called to share so other people "waiting" in similar situations could be encouraged.... problem is, while I sorta got a green flag... I'm also still waiting a little... waiting for 6 months. so I'm not sure how encouraging that is.

Maybe the answer.... Maybe the reason for sharing is this:

Whether the answer is positive, negative or somewhere in between isn't what really matters.... He is with me REGARDLESS of the answer.  That's what matters. There was a moment in the waiting area... I had already had two different sets of mammograms and they had announced that I would need the ultrasound... I was sitting there in that treacherous hospital gown, trying not to expose anything and growing more fearful by the moment and then I had a vision of God sitting in the empty chair next to me with His arm around my shoulder. My heart calmed and my soul realized... He is there.  He is ALWAYS there.

Hope this encourages someone.... otherwise I just spilled out this terrifying, embarrassing mess for NOTHING!

God bless, everyone.