For better or for worse....

I remember vividly the day.... It is one of my favorite days to remember.  There I stood, twenty-nine years old sure I'd be forever single... but I was wrong... oh so wrong. The day was absolutely perfect!  Melinda Toy sang like an angel... my sisters, cousins and friends walked down the aisle before me... Dad walked next to me and gave me away... Mom cried... John did too... I often say my ONLY regret of the ENTIRE day was that I took my veil off at my reception. My hair never looked quite the same once I removed the veil. I stood there at that altar stars in my eyes and love in my heart and there I vowed, In sickness and in health.... For richer for poorer... For better or worse...  I had no idea what poorer would look like.  No one forewarned me how dark worse could get. And no one explained the excruciating pain of the sickness.

I'm not sure whose pain is worse. John, again incapacitated in the living room, unable to turn his head AT ALL to the side, struggling with discouragement over the realization that this will LIKELY be the rest of his life... intolerable neck pain, trips to the NICU, continual medications... Or me, torn in half watching the man I love struggle through the despondency of realizing he is just NOT the same and will probably never get back to what he used to be.  We are both struggling through so much YUCK!

Last night we had the discussion (with tears in BOTH of our eyes) that as SUCKY as this is... it really, truly DOES beat the alternative. We could have lost him. I could be struggling to raise these four babies alone. I could be lonely and scared and without my BFF. I could be spending every night wiping tears from the faces of my precious babies instead of schlepping him medication and a warm sock buddy. As hard and gut-wrenching as this is, the alternative is just way worse.

So here's the deal... when we pledge for better or for worse, we have NO idea what that means. We have this strong conviction that we'll "stand by our man" but we have only a vague idea of what that will look like. As the details become clear, it's not like we wish we hadn't pledged this but we kinda realize WOW! I had no idea it would look like THIS! 

It's like our relationship with God. We choose to accept His free gift. We ask Him to come into our hearts and our lives. We have a FIRM conviction that we'll stand by Him NO MATTER WHAT, but we have NO idea what NO MATTER WHAT will look like. We have to just blindly trudge forward waiting for the details to be revealed to us.

I hope this e-mail doesn't strike you wrong.  I am NOT lamenting the struggle through the worse.  I actually embrace it. I really truly do! First of all because the alternative is so much worse, but second of all, I embrace these times because I really don't get to see enough of my husband. While I don't like him being in pain, I really do like him being home.  I guess I just wanted to put it out there for anyone else who is struggling through the sickness, poorer, or worse right now.... Struggling in their marriage, in their life or in their walk with God.... Hang on! Do NOT give up!  For better or worse!  You promised it to your spouse, to your God, to yourself!  You can DO this!