One foot in front of the other

Seriously? Seriously? I think the title for this weekend should be, God Pampers Jami. Just THIS weekend, I/we received the following gifts from God and His people:

*help with running errands
*time spent catching up with my step-daughter
*a mini-spa day in my own bathroom
*help cleaning my house
*4 dinners prepared for me
*time spent catching up with a former cheerleader
*a COMPLETELY ordered and cleaned house (which the kids TRASHED within 2 hours of returning home last night….oh well it was nice while it lasted)
*monetary gifts (one which COMPLETELY paid the rent which is due in 3 days)
*much needed time reconnecting with my family
*the blessing of reconnecting with our NDC church family
*a chance to run to the grocery store ALL BY MYSELF

It all got me thinking about how the night is always the darkest just before the dawn.

My blog from Thursday revealed the deep desperation of my soul. I was depleted, exhausted, completely wrung out and DRAINED. While I really never would “throw in the towel,” I desperately WANTED too! I desperately wanted to just toss down my dishtowel and crawl in my bed pulling the covers over my head and crying and drooling until this all went away. Friday dawned and more of the same. I developed a wretched headache as the day wore on. I had an invitation to a girls’ night with friends from high school I haven’t seen in 20 years. I wanted DESPERATELY to go, yet I just couldn’t gather the strength. Still in my stubborn head I tried to make it work, until a bunch of work rained down on me making it impossible for me to finish up in time to make it into the city for that. My night seemed so dark and deep. I didn’t see how I was going to keep walking through it.

Then like a pin prick of light FAR in the distance, I got a text from Amanda. “How’s it going?” I asked her if she wanted the reality answer or the sugar-coated answer a step-mom should give. She said, “Give it to me REAL.” I told her it was pretty brutal. She offered help and the day started to dawn on my dark night. What followed was an AVALANCHE of relief and brightly dawning day (see above list). This weekend replenished me and rejuvenated me more than I could have imagined was possible.

Here’s the thing: we never know if this part of the night is the darkest. When walking through it, I didn’t know. Was the point I was at on Thursday night the bottom of the barrel? No. Okay then Friday morning when I thought my head would explode? No. Well how about Friday night when the disappointment over having to miss the little girls night reunion. Yups! There is was… the turning point. But until the light starts to dawn, there is no way to know how long the night will last. So what are we to do? What is the word from God to tell us how to proceed? When the night seems so long? When the darkness just WON’T break? I got the answer from my pastor, “Just keep putting one foot in front of the other Jami.” Until you see that first pinprick of dawn, you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It is hard. It is scary. You can’t see where you’re going. You’re tired. You’re READY for the dawn. But until that pinprick of light breaks through, JUST KEEP PUTTING ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER!

So! The Kastner’s made it through that dark night. I am sure there are MANY more to come even just in this chapter titled, “Chiari Malformation.” Right now I’m praying this light of day part lasts for a little while so we can have a little rest. But when the darkness crowds in again, I will try hard to remember: one foot in front of the other…. one foot in front of the other….