Rock Bottom

Have you ever been at rock bottom? I mean the very bottom of the barrel the lowest point you ever thought you would be at? This summer I have been there several times. Only here’s the problem: each time I hit the bottom with a resounding thud and think, “Hmmmm…. This is a sucky place to be. But at least it can’t get any worse.” What I thought was rock bottom gives way, and I plummet down, down, down again to another depth…. Each one of these rock-bottom stops along the way feels like it is surely a depth at which I can never live, a fall from which I can never recover. Yet live I do.

The bottom fell out again two weeks ago. After all this summer has held, I really thought a deeper, darker valley could not exist. Yet it does. This time, however, is a little different. See I’m really not as dumb as I look, and I think I finally might have this figured out. After crashing hard against the bottom of this most recent trial, I have started to gingerly lift up my head and struggle to a seated position. But while I am lifting myself up and brushing off the dirt of the pain all around me, I realize that I no longer think, “This has to be as bad as it can get.” I full well know the reality is that this too could be a false bottom, and before I know it I could be careening on another death defying drop towards another heart-crushing stop.

I have been through more pain than I ever thought I could tolerate this summer. I have faced things that I never thought I could survive. I won’t say I came through victorious, but so far, I am at least still standing. It has been a very long time since I have blogged because I have not known how to be the “my life as a lesson,” “bare-naked honesty” Jami through this valley. I have not been able to share some of the struggles of the summer of 2009 so I instead chose silence.

The silence has ended and I have a few lessons to share from this life-changing summer:

1. No matter what you are going through, no matter how painful, no matter how hopeless and desperate things seem, GOD IS THERE WITH YOU. Life may pack a punch that leaves you face down on the ground. Human beings may hurt and betray you. Sickness may invade your body and leave you in pain and miserable. But no matter what, He is THERE. He will never let you down. Put your trust, your hope, your faith in Him, because HE alone is worthy.

2. There is ALWAYS something worse. I know a lot of the times it really doesn’t feel like there could be, but trust me there is! So no matter what the struggle or trial you are facing today, find some way to thank God that it is not worse. Because believe me, it really could be worse.

3. You will make it through this. You may not feel like it. You may not even want to. But you WILL make it through this if you trust in Him.

4. God is good ALL the time. In the face of what I have seen this summer, I will admit I have questioned this one. I have thought, “God how could you have let this happen?” and “God where were you when this happened?” He is GOOD. This world is evil, and there is a real live Devil who prowls around trying to destroy you, but He is GOOD. HE IS GOOD!

I guess I’m a little scared to even say, “I’m back.” My heart…. My life…. Everything is so raw right now that I do not want to share it, but yet I feel compelled to put it out there and risk the ridicule, the questions, the scorn in the hope that someone, somewhere will be encouraged. That somehow my life will be a lesson to at least one of you. So I guess this jumbled mess of a blog is back online. It will become, however, a messy hodgepog of (hopefully) inspiring blogs and medical updates on John. I am too exhausted and depleted to start up (and keep up) a separate blog for what’s going on with John’s health. Therefore, I’ll post updates on him here along with blogs as often as I can get what my heart is feeling into words.